Tammy, I don't think those of us who aren't sure living in the same home is a good idea were suggesting you move out. HE is the one to go, as you and the children get first whack at the family home, assuming you remain the custodial parent. (Another incentive to control the cutting: you don't want him to have ammunition to take your kids.) I'm not trying to be negative, but your relationship will likely get worse before it gets better, and you really need to protect yourself, your kids, and your rights.

I may be wrong about this, but maybe if you can't eat you shouldn't. (I rather enjoyed having no appetite - the only good part of the experience was losing 22 lbs in a month.) Try easy things like broth, and bland foods like rice, dry crackers, bananas. A little Ensure or other liquid meal replacement might give you the nourishment you need. As for the diarrhea, make sure you rebalance your electrolytes after with something like Pedialyte. At some point you will feel hungry again.

Good luck with this awful mess. And remember HE is the idiot here, not you. HE wants immediate gratification more than he wants to be an honorable person. And even if right now you doubt he ever loved you, take my word that he most likely did. In fact he probably still loves you now, but would prefer to believe otherwise to assuage his guilt. But he's more interested in the excitement of someone new who probably thinks he's a god with a shrew for a wife.

It has taken me two years to fully believe that our relationship was not all a fake. In fact I think I can pinpoint almost exactly when things started to change, and it had nothing to do with me at all. Once you can think clearly, you may realize the same thing. But PLEASE don't take on responsibilty for his failure as a husband and human being. You have a tough enough adjustment ahead. Take it as easy as you can, and try to be kind to yourself always.

Tammy, I just saw and read through this thread today. You're in our thoughts, and definitely in our prayers. I urge you to see not only a psychiatrist, but a medical doctor about this vomiting and diarrhea. You may well have something physical going on that needs to be addressed, not just a stress reaction. Please take care of yourself.

Hi, I've just been around for a few days. I just read this thread and was really touched by all the support offered. You are a really great group of human beings. Hang in there Tammy. I too was unexpectedly left by a cheating husband. We were going to go for counselling and he left 2 days before our first joint session. I lost 15 lbs that first month and understand the inability to keep food down. I couldn't even swallow. After I got centered and supported I realized that I was so much happier on the other side of that relationship. I finally looked after ME. Thankfully we had no children b/c he was noncommunicative and completely separated himself from me (guilt I suspect..). I lost 80lbs the year he left - in a healthy way b/c I was no longer seeking comfort in food. That was 9 years ago. I am now happily remarried with 3 kids. I gained back all the wt plus some b/c I still struggle with looking after ME (3 babies in 5 years helped some too).

I am glad you have such a supportive network around you and have chosen to seek professional support as well. It will make all the difference. From all these posts I can tell you are a caring and well thought of woman. Stay strong and look after you and your kids. It will all fall into place. Remember you have to put you first so that you are healthy and whole for the kids. (easier said than done I know). I look forward to getting to know you. I would offer you a PM too, but don't know how - just learning this stuff. :grouphug: It gets a whole lot better

Tammy girl. I just got back on board-- literally, and saw all this. I am so sorry and I would like to do anything I can to help you through this. This is so scary for you I am sure, but I know that you will be a stronger person after this is all done. You've been through so much but you are taking all the right steps in recovering. You have every right to be sad and in greiving. You also must know that you will get through this and you will be stronger, smoke free and an in-shape hottie. Please, call on me at anytime. I am serious. I am just glad to see you back here.

Love you girl!

Tammy, I thought of something last night after I went to bed. If you are having any kind of back pain along with the bladder and bowel problems, PLEASE get to your doctor. One of the first things they asked Howie when he first told the doctors of his increased back pain lately was if he was having bladder or bowel trouble. Nerve compression in your spine can directly affect those functions. I don't meant to be an alarmist, but Howie's recent medical issues with his back really have this stuff in the front of my mind and I care about ya. It's important you take care of yourself.

Thinking of you all...

What wonderful friends I have here!! This is the second day my husband has been gone and I did not cry all day. I know that there is still alot of night left but for the most part it was a good day. Oops, I did cry a bit win I talked to my two year old on the phone. Hard to be away from her.

I've done so much thinking. I can mourn the death of my marriage but I deserve better than what he did to me and why in the world would I want to be with a person who could not give me 100%. I'm beautiful and I would be a good catch for any man. Cause no man is going to defeat my soul!!

The doc does not think my weight loss and bowel problems are a problem. Dumb doctor. I have lost a total of 15 pounds in 10 days. I have appetite now but right after I eat it comes right back up.

I only had to take vallium once today and might have to tonight but that is way better than I was doing. I kind of feel free today. I spent the day with my best neighbor and was able to laugh. It was wonderful.

I got most of my hair cut off..I love it!! I am no longer hiding behind my long hair. I will try to post and before and after pic soon. The guy at the video store today was flirting with me like crazy and I was quite amused by that.

Everything happens for a reason and by golly that is how I am looking at this.

Tammy, it's good to hear you processing all this. :)

As for your doctor, I'd find a new one, or at least get a second opinion.

You ARE strong, aren't you? :) So glad to see you making real emotional progress and I hope you can catch up physically soon and find a doctor who IS concerned about a 15lb. weight loss in 10 days accompanied by severe bowel problems!

I'm just now getting a chance to read through this thread. I"m so sorry you are going through this - no one should have to go through what you are going through. It sounds like you are doing well today - I hope tomorrow is another bright day. (((HUGS))))

Hang in there.

Hang in there Tammy!

You are right - you do deserve better - and you will find it! Glad to hear you are feeling a little brighter, I'm sure your new haircut and a little bit of flirting have done you the world of good!

We are all here for you Tammy

Love Amanda x

Hi Tammy - I've been following this thread but I'm a little late in posting. I never seem to be able to find the right words of comfort to offer. I just wanted to let you know that I've been thinking about you and I hope you're doing ok.

~Dee

You are in my prayers, Tammy. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt and betrayal you feel from such a sudden announcement. But my brother is going through something similar, so I've been hearing it for a while. His youngest child enrolled in college last year, and in January he was on a business trip and talking to his wife on the phone (as he always does when he's travelling) when she up and told him that she wouldn't be there when he returned. He was floored!

The support network you have and you nurture -- friends, faith community, doctors, family, and web -- are here for you. Don't be afraid to lean on us when you need to, or ask for just a single hand when you are feeling stronger.

*Hugs you warmly*

Tammy, I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Happy reading your post! Girl you got that positive vibe going on! Keep it comming! You are SOOOOOOOOOO very RIGHT your Beautiful INSIDE AND OUT and ANY MAN would be considered very LUCKY to have the HONOR of being with YOU!!!! Keep smiling and laughing!!

WOMEN ROCK!!!! :)

Boy oh boy...I could not get ahold of my husband today where he is at because his dear grandmother passed so I called my father-in-laws cell number. Seth was asleep, no big deal, he is sick. But, my father-in-law was cold to me. It really hurt. I mean really really hurt. I've not cried. I need to. I've not taken medicine cause I have to do the school carpool in and hour or so. I'm holding it together but how can my in-laws love for me die like my husbands so quickly? Just another bump in the road and it is just something that is going to happen with the impending divorce. Just hurts.

Tammy, Your father in law may not be mad at you personally just the WHOLE thing. You just happen to be on the phone. I'm sure it's a blow to him and no one likes to see a family split. They could be worried they might not see the kids as often or the what if she gets married and totally cuts us off from the kids. I think they may be scared of the what ifs ... I think once your feeling closer to yourself maybe you should have a talk with them and let them know you'll never keep the kids from them.

I would think he's just feeling unsure about how he should act. You know, that icky awkward feeling. Plus, you have to remember that you're probably super sensitive right now and may be reading more into it than there really is. So don't take it personally, he's just being a guy. I also agree with Mez, he may just be scared about how this will affect his time with the grandkids, so make sure to reassure him and put him at ease.

Beverly

Thinking of U
 

Hi Tammy, I hope u r doing better today. I'm not always good at finding the right words, but I just wanted u to know that I read your story today and I feel for u. U r a very strong, incredible woman, and u should tell yourself that everyday. I know u have a big group of support, but if u every want to chat, please feel free to PM or IM me. If u need to talk, I will be here to listen.

I hope u r having a better week.

Erin Crista

Yes, no doubt he feels awkward about the whole situation, unsure of how to react and embarrassed because his son has decided to break up a family. Who knows, he might even be feeling ashamed of his son. He probably thinks he has to be "cautious" in speaking with you and that might result in a tone that sounds cold, when its really just a "not sure how to respond so I'll be really low-key" tone. This situation is still so new, with so many adjustments yet to be made, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions (even though its human nature to do exactly that!) Concentrate on YOU (and the kids) right now and try not to let the externals get to you.

((((((((((((HUGE UGS)))))))))) I don't know you but being on several of the meds and knowing too much about anxiety I can feel for you so sending good vibes your way.

Thank you all for giving me some insight into the situation. I really needed that. I am feeling better about it now. It passed pretty quick which is a good thing. I'm managing. Just having to try to take everything in stride and keep an open mind. I still feel very positive. That has not changed. My confidence level is coming up. Actually, its strange, but I think it's better now than it has been in a long while. I'm not quite sure how such a devestating situation could make it do that but that is what is happening. Anxiety is a ***** though. Pardon my language. It drives me mad. There are so many medications out there and none of them seem to work. Exercise helps slightly but it's still bad. Thank you so much you guys. You are helping me pull through this and without you I would be a lost soul.

You don't know me, I've just started posting here. I've been reading this thread, though, and my heart goes out to you. I wanted to lend my support, and let you know that I'm in San Diego, too. If you'd like RL support, feel free to PM me and we can get together.

About the anxiety meds: I've been through two years of Panic Disorder with my DH, and we've picked up an understanding of what's going on. The trick about the meds is, perversely, you have to take it BEFORE you're in the middle of the attack itself. If you feel the beginning signs of increased tension, if you're going into a situation that you just know is going to push your buttons, you need to take it right then to give it time to kick in. Klonopin won't completely make the anxiety go away, but it will take the edge off and make it manageable. DH has also had great success with meditation. He listens to "Meditation for Beginners" by Jack Kornfeld, and he's become very Zen. :cool:

It sounds like you're hanging in there, and from reading this thread I know you have the strength to get through this. Hang in there!

You have a PM from me, too.

How's today going for you? (Tomorrow will be today by the time you read this)

I had to move from the klonopin to Valium. I have an anxiety attack right in the doctor's office. I think the Valium will be temporary though. Just getting me over the hump for now and then I think I can scale it down. I am on lexapro right now and that does help my anxiety when things are normal. It's just so hard getting the right combinations.

Tammy, I don't have much to add but wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

I go to the doc today. Something has got to give. I've not kept any food down for two weeks and have already lost two pant sizes, and I know that is not healthy to be losing that much weight so fast.

Mentally I am doing better. Kind of really in the anger phase now. Not many tears anymore. I come to find out that the "friend" that my husband was talking to was a prosepective romantic interest for him. The same one he told me was married and they were just so called friends. I'm getting a little more info out of him each day. I just want honesty so I can get some closure.

Hope your doctor can get to the bottom of this for you! Thinking of you today, Tammy.

Oh Tammy. I hope your doctor is able to help you today. I'm thinking of you.

Tammy, did you get my PM? It had a link to a site that would help you.

Ok, just got back. I had labs done. All were good. The doc is not that concerned with the weight loss since all the bloodwork looked fine. Actually he thought what a bonus it was that I was losing weight in spite what I was going through. Can't figure that one out. Just did not sit well with me. It's not like I want to not be able to eat.

As for the weight loss. I have lost 21 pounds in two weeks. I weighed Monday at 233 and today I weighed in at 227. 248 was my weight before all this **** started to happen.

He took me off Valium and put me on Neurontin. Don't know much about that med, so I am going to have to do some research.

Jen, I got your pm. I've not yet looked at the site. My mind just has been all over the place. I will look at it today. Thank you for sending me a site that is going to be helpful because we all know I can use a heap of help right now.

Seth and Kara get back home tomorrow. I am hoping his return does not set me back. I've made alot of progress since he has been gone. I'm going to do my best to keep balance in the house and just give him his space and let him do his own thing. Actually I'm scared to death of how his return is going to affect me.

I'm glad to see that your blood work looks fine, but I can't help but be worried, nevertheless. I'm really quite surprised that your doctor isn't more concerned. Losing that much weight due to your inability to keep anything down a bonus?? How's about a second opinion??

I'm glad your baby is coming back tomorrow; I know you've missed her terribly. I will be interesting having him back in the house again but remember, you are strong, and you will get through this!

Beverly

Tammy--In my PM I told you about one of my friends who went through some of the things you are going through and she also couldn't keep food down and lost a lot of weight. I can call her if you like and find out if she has any words of wisdom to help you. The last time I talked to her, she was able to finally keep small amounts down and she sees military docs.

Well, he got back today. It went bad at first and then he really showed alot of compassion. I was a wreck. It was my birthday so that kind of made it worse. We went to eat. When I got home it all came up. What a waste of money. But for now he is doing everything possible to keep me happy. He still does not love me but cares for me as a friend.

I'm just so darn depressed right now. I'm hoping I can get back to the routine by Monday or so when he goes back to work.

I just feel so f'ing weak from not being able to keep food down. No energy at all. I'm at a very low point right now. That helpless feeling. I know that will change but this is just one of those days that are going to happen from time to time. I'm trying my hardest to get out of the rut. It shall pass. Just hoping soon.

Tammy, please, get yourself to a different doctor or to the ER. There's something going on for you to be unable to keep food down this long. Your mind and body need every bit of strength they can get right now. You need to be able to think clearly, to handle stress, to have the patience you need not only with your son, but life in general...So many things. Please, pursue this until you get to the bottom of it. You need your reserves.

Tammy, please stop eating regular food. You have to work your way back up to it as I referred to in a previous post. Take your anti-nausea medication 1 hour before you plan to eat. Start with clear fluids ie gingerale, jello, broth, tea or coffee with no milk, apple juice. When you are tolerating that try full fluids ie milk, soups, yogurt, plain ice cream, other juices, then when you are tolerating that then try regular food but start with really bland food, toast, oatmeal, rice. If you can't even tolerate clear fluids then at least you can say to the dr that you can't keep clear fluids down. I would think any dr worth his or her salt is going to tell you the same thing that I have done. These are basic orders for when someone has persistant nausea. You can't expect your stomach to hold anything down when all you've been doing is vomitting for 2 weeks. It isn't going to magically start working right, you've got to help it heal by starting slow and working back to regular food. I will guarantee you that if you go to the ER they will give you IV fluids with anti-nausea medication and give you clear fluids to see if you can tolerate that.

Tammy, you just can't go on like this. Go to a clinic or the hospital (anywhere but to that doctor who says weight loss from vomiting and diarrhea is a "bonus") :mad:

I'm sorry your birthday was so miserable and that we couldn't wish a better day for you. But I know we're all sending best wishes for you to keep up your strength so you can work towards a better year ahead starting today! It WILL get better, my dear.

Oh, dear, I've been away and missed this. Tammy, please try taking Jen's advice and start with clear liquids. What a turkey of a doctor you had! You need to keep up your strength right now, and the only way to do that is to keep some food down.

Why in the heck would he take you off valium and put you on neurontin? I thought neurontin was a pain medication for nerve pain and originally an epilepsy drug?? Did the doctor say why he was switching medications? Frankly, this doctor sounds like an insensitive dolt.

Tammy -

Checking in on you...How are you doing today? Have you tried what Jen was saying? Have you considered going to a different doc?

Ohh Tammy. I'm so sorry to hear you still aren't able to keep anything down. I think Jen gave you some great advice and hope that you will try it. I agree that you need to be seeing a different doc.

Thinking of you today.

I'm making an appointment with a different doc today. I am keeping clear liquids down now. Not broths and such though. I can keep sprite down, water, propel. I'm trying hard with the broth and jello.

Things in the house are smoothing out quite nicely. I am still having to take a few meds for anxiety. But for the most part I'm starting to heal. Just going through the grieving stage like I am supposed to. I know there will never be total closure to this since we have a daughter together, but I'm still working on closure of the relationship.

Tammy - glad to hear you're seeing a different doctor. Sometimes I wonder how they are able to practice with the treatments they prescribe. Hope the "smoothing" continues. I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but sure sounds like you're a strong woman. Keep it up. Obviously lots of love and support for you from these great people. Have a great week.