[LAGirl25]

New here not sure if this should be under a different category. A bit of background, I had an eating disorder through much of my teenage years and have struggled with depression and PTSD from child abuse my entire life. I have been dating my bf for three years and he is aware of all of this. Several months ago I caught him having inappropriate sexual text and email conversations and since then we have barely been intimate. I finally confronted him about the lack of intimacy and he claimed it was because I had gotten too fat. I have gained about 40 pounds in the last year or so that I am trying to work off and my bf knows about this as well. I gained a lot of weight from binge eating when I got very depressed and then more from antidepressants.

I got very upset when my boyfriend said this and started crying. Later he claimed he didn't mean it and actually won't be intimate because he feels guilty about his near infidelity. Whether I believe him or not I'm still extremely hurt and now don't even want him to touch me or see me naked. I don't want to break up with him but I don't know what to do. Thoughts?

[Frances123]

Just my 2 cents, but if I was dating someone and they started inappropriate sexting with another woman, the relationship would be over. They wouldn't even need to go so far as to insult my looks/weight, because the sexing alone would tell me that he didn't really love or respect me. I too suffered from childhood abuse and have learned not to trust people's words, but their actions. I no longer allow ANYONE to treat me poorly. Period. That meant cutting out abusive family members and people who would now be called "frenemies," I guess. I choose the people who get to be in my life and they are uplifting, supporting, and encouraging. I don't know if you're in therapy to deal with the various things that you mentioned, but I do highly recommend it. You can learn the tools there that will help you to say NO to people who don't deserve to be in your life, and to figure out why you put up with it in the first place. Again, just my 2 cents.

[AllyG47]

If you still love him and think the relationship is worth saving (only you can determine that), then I suggest you both go to relationship counseling with a therapist. A professional therapist can help you guys get to the root of the issue and give you weekly homework to do to help fix the problems.

Personally, if it were me, I would have ended it as soon as I found out about the inappropriate texts. If, for some reason, I believed his lame excuse for the texts, the insult about my weight would have put the nail in the coffin. But like I was saying above, only you can determine if the relationship is worth saving or if it can even be saved at all.

[EagleRiverDee]

I can tell you, there's no guy in my past that I broke up with that I regret breaking up with, but there are guys I wish I'd broken up with sooner because by not doing so I was acting like a doormat and letting them take advantage of me. The problem here isn't your weight, it's the fact that he's not treating you with respect. I gained 100 lbs from when I met my husband, and he's seen me lose 50, gain 30, lose 55 and who knows when this yo-yo journey will end. He loves me skinny, he loves me fat, and he loves in between. If your guy can't love you when you're having health issues or are overweight, he doesn't love you.

[AshleyFaith]

Originally Posted by LAGirl25

I finally confronted him about the lack of intimacy and he claimed it was because I had gotten too fat.

That was a lie on his part. He is just getting his intimacy from other places.
With infidelity, there is usually deeper problems within the relationship.
It's never just physical.
I would suggest discussing this more in depth with him and ask what the main issues are with the both of you and take it from there.
I'm so sorry you are hurt.. I've went through the same thing, stayed with him, and we've recovered.
When you mentioned the disordered eating, do you mean BED, purging, or restricting?
Your weight is not what determines your value. Never forget that.
You are a beautiful living human being with hopes and dreams.

[tymaboy]

My 2 cents worth is he isnt worth it if he is like that! I am currently 60lbs heavier then I was when I met and married my husband. It bothers me more then him. He still loves me very much and thinks I am just as sexy as I was when we married. My BIL says samething. You are better then what he deserves. True love knows no boundries.

[facingfacts12]

there should be a way to hit like on some of these posts (or maybe there is that i'm not aware of?)
great advice on here.
I've been married for a long time to the same man and he's seen me when i was slim and now... well, I'm not.
100 lbs later intimacy is not a problem. Do I wish I didn't have that extra weight - YES, of course, and for tons of reasons. But in the bedroom it's a lot about confidence and an emotional bond and lots of other things - not just weight and how one looks. Its one thing for someone's partner to openly admit they wish their mate was thinner/more attractive (I'm sure you'd love it if he looked more like a greek god too) - but its another to cheat on them and then try to use their weight as an excuse. Cheating has nothing to do with weight - some of the most beautiful and stunning women in the world are cheated on every day.
My concern is you staying in this relationship will do nothing for your self esteem and especially with your unfortunate past (Im so sorry about that ) - if I were you I would get out, heal on my own, lose weight, get counseling, whatever you need to do - and only THEN decide whether you want or need him back in your life.

you have only one life. I cannot tell you how many women i've seen just waste it away because they could never break away from toxic relationships and so on. Don't be that woman. If someone in any way if affecting your self worth negatively, you shouldn't be around them. Even though its painful short term, break away from a bad situation for you. Also think about it this way, there's a man somewhere out there that is going to treat you a whole lot better and if you don't make your move now to meet him say 6 months, 1 year, whatever down the line... someone else will - and he will end up with someone else. While you will end up staying with someone who may not treat you right even if you lose all the extra pounds because he is in the habit of looking at seemingly greener grass elsewhere. Which will never do good for your self worth no matter your weight.

do you have a circle of highly trusted friends,family etc? Do they all LOVE this guy and think the world of him? Is he 100% perfect in every other way and this is the "only" one hiccup you currently have? In other words, is he worth fighting for long term? Please don't let your emotions and heart answer that one for you - use your head. Even if you love him with all your heart, but your mind senses red flags, pay attention to those. Before you spend way too much life and time on someone who wasn't worth it all along.

[MrsMcsMuffins]

Honestly I did a double take when I saw the title of this thread I know you say you don't want to leave him but please ask yourself why not? Sometimes we stay in relationships that aren't good for us because we don't want to be alone and we think nobody else would ever want us but that's never true. I second counselling but for you alone first. Then you can truly decide if you want to be with him after working through your own issues. My bet is though that after some counselling you'll see you deserve better.

[Angie]

I can tell you, there's no guy in my past that I broke up with that I regret breaking up with, but there are guys I wish I'd broken up with sooner ...

Absolutely, I'd say the same. Another quote, Maya Angelou I think, "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them." I know it must be hard to face the possibility of ending such a long relationship, but I think you know that you deserve to be treated better. It's unlikely that his behaviour or sensitivity will improve with time, based on my own experiences.