I'm new to this forum, so I apologize if this thread is in the wrong place.
Anyways, I'm in the midst of trying to lose weight (I'm currently 5'1" and 170 lbs). I met my boyfriend (and his friends, shortly thereafter) when I was at a healthier weight in the summer of 2015 at about 135 lbs. The relationship became a long-distance one for about a year, until I finally moved to his neck of the woods for grad school in autumn of last year.
Since meeting my boyfriend's friends for the first time, I've gained 35 to 40 lbs. He always invites me to his friends' birthday parties and other gatherings, but I've always made excuses to not attend because I don't want them to think that I'm too fat for him. I don't want them to think, "my bro is with HER? he can do way better."
I'm ashamed of myself for getting this big... I don't see how my boyfriend isn't ashamed of me too. He's fit, muscular, and conventionally good-looking. I feel like if I were him, I would hide me away from meeting his friends and family.
I'm trying hard to get out of this mindset, but I can't help it. I think this stems from comments I've heard all my life. My father is very hard on my mother when she gains weight. He's always made derogatory remarks about his friends' overweight wives behind their backs.
I haven't expressed these feelings to my boyfriend because I don't want him to think that I'm this self-conscious about myself... I don't know what he'll think of me..
I'm currently dating someone I have known all of my life, and I think every day how disappointed he must be that I am 135lbs heavier than I used to be. Sure, we didn't get together romantically until after my weight gain, but the negative thoughts know no boundaries or reason. Shame, hurtful thoughts, self-loathing...DONE IT! And the second you allow the negativity in, it rules your world. Stop it. You're doing something about your health now. You're being proactive now. You made unhealthy choices in the past? Fine. But NOW you're on the right path. I'd definitely share with him that you're trying to make healthier choices, so that he can support you.
YOUR body is YOUR business. End of story. With the exception of your chosen medical professional, your health choices are not open for commentary or discussion. How other people feel about your body is not your business, nor is it helpful or relevant. If your boyfriend were embarrassed by you, you wouldn't be getting invites to hang out. Obviously he wants you with him, so why miss out on the fun?
I so understand this. My husband (and all his friends) are 12 years younger than me so not only do I have internalized body shame, but I also occasionally experience a degree of age-shame (why is he married to a fat old lady???). I wish I could say something magical that would help you immediately, but I think that this kind of work has to come from inside you. I find that just talking to my hubs helps me and he knows that sometimes he needs to give me some extra care when I am feeling especially vulnerable. Try to foster this sort of relationship with your sweetie, and you will both be better for it. This is going to sound dumb, but I also watch YouTube videos of larger sized women who are really social and fun and don't give one whit about what other people think of their bodies. It is so refreshing to see women with this sort of attitude - totally opposite of my own - that it helps me in moments in public or with people I don't know well. I just think "What would Christine do?" and realize that she would just party and have a good time. I can honestly say that it has brought me out of my shell a time or two
PS it sounds like your dad did a real number to you. His shaming of women's bodies has led you to be ashamed of yours. I am so sorry. That is a tough one to work through, but hopefully you will be able to get there and I encourage you to think on it or talk to someone (like a shrink or whatever) if that sort of interaction is something you find helpful.
I had this situation with my ex. He still thought I was beautiful 30 pounds heavier. And that's all that matters. Love knows no size. We gain. We lose. But our hearts are what matter. If his friends make fun of you, I would think he'd defend you and your beauty. If he doesn't, then he isn't for you. Whoever loves you will love you at any size.
But I know that's easier to hear than to believe. Maybe go shopping and find a slimming outfit! I love black sweaters and a low cut loose top. Black tight pants and cute heels. I look slimmer that way! If you feel good, and act confident, they may not even notice. They don't know what you go through, and they don't know what you're capable of. You may come back a few months from now and be the most fit you have ever been!
Some people may not agree with this, but my momma always told me that people are more concerned with themselves than with me (you/others). Maybe they'll notice, but they won't obsess over it long. They'll be concerned with the big pimple on their chin, or what to say to that girl they can't stop thinking about. Go, have fun, be you, and show them size means nothing.
Also, maybe talk to your boyfriend. I get why you don't want to, but it's healthy to discuss your worries. He may want to help you. And, I bet he will be surprised you feel this way. Because he thinks YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL
I am in this situation, my boyfriend likes me either way even when I was fatter but still I am afraid of meeting his parents.
There is a possibility of meeting them this summer and I am a little bit scared. Also he is younger than me so I don't know what they are going to think of me...
I know I shouldn't be afraid, the one that has to like me is my boyfriend and myself, but still...
You should talk with your boyfriend about it, I talked with my boyfriend abour this issue and he always says they won't mind, it helps. Talk with him about it, it will help you.
I feel this way somewhat. I was 135 pds when I met my husband. Today, I'd like to be 235. I'm working on it, but the self doubt still gets to you. We went to my husband's 35th college reunion in October. I was the fattest wife there. Not my imagination, I was. I'm sure some judged me, and some didn't. People will always find a reason to judge you. You're either too fat, or they don't like this, or they don't like that. Be happy with yourself and enjoy life.
Ashamed to meet my boyfriend's friends
