Hi all,
Don't know how many of you guys remember me, ubergirl. I joined here in June 2009 and lost 110 pounds. I also got myself in shape and started running. Everything great! A year ago I was running four miles and I looked really amazing. Then starting around March, I started to really struggle. But I held on to most of the weight loss and kept working out.
Then, in mid-August of this year, my life started getting really over-the-top chaotic. I had more on my plate than I could manage, and so pretty soon the work outs went and the eating started to go, and then I fell back on the major problem that I have had in my life-- serious binging.
I had gotten rid of all of my fat clothes, so I have almost nothing that fits, but worse than that, I started getting back some of the obesity symptoms that I used to have-- skin rashes, sore knees, fatigue.
Yesterday, I hit rock bottom. I felt sick and looked horrible. I used to be used to feeling tired and sick and bloated all the time, but after two years living fit and relatively slim, I simply can't stand how it feels. I forced myself to look at my fitday and realized I had not logged in since July 31st. This morning I got on the scale. It was a shock in a way, but I have to admit that my guess of how much I had gained (fifty pounds) was pretty accurate.
It is very depressing, I'll admit. But as I reflected on it, I realized that in spite of my incredible frustration about the regain, things are not quite as bad as they seem.
Here is what I've learned (the hard way).
I have binge eating disorder. I have a serious case. I've used this strategy for more than thirty years. It was too good to be true to think that I would just get over it, once and for all, on my first serious try.
I have a tendency to take on A LOT more than I should I know that to function appropriately I need down time. I need time for me and time to relax. Instead I live a life that is almost relentless in its demands. I held on for a good six months even when I KNEW that I could not sustain the pace of my life much longer, but eventually I just cracked. I just got exhausted and suddenly unlearned my new coping skills (exercise, eating right) and went back to my old coping skills--( lots of binging. No exercise.)
I should have STOPPED trying to lose when I got down to about 190. That just didn't sound like a maintenance weight to me. But I struggled for a long time, dropping my calories very low, exercising a lot, and was still maintaining between 188 and 190. I looked great. I was in top shape. But it just wasn't as skinny as I wanted to be. But I'm 5'8". I have a substantial lean body mass, and I'm fifty years old. My nutritionist told me that despite my weight my body fat percentage was normal for my age. But I kept trying to lose. Now I think that I should not try to go much below that. My body just didn't want to.
The Good News.
Things are in no way what they were back in 2009 when I started out.
1. I have a bag of tricks that I know will work for me if I work it.
2. Back in 2009 I was completely and totally out of shape. I couldn't run AT ALL. I got winded going up three flights of stairs. And what's more, I never dreamed that I could be physically fit, work with a personal trainer or take up running. Now, I haven't been working out and I'm out of shape, but I'm not COMPLETELY out of shape like I was. I have a gym habit and even in the last few bad months I've gone occasionally.
3. I don't hate myself as much. Something happened to me the first time I lost weight. I felt really really good about myself. And eventually, I started looking at my fat pictures and wondering why I had hated how I looked so much. I looked fat, but then again, so do a lot of other people. I used to truly despise myself. I was embarrassed appearing in public. Now, I realize that my fat is not a permanent condition, not a character defect, not a life ruiner-- it's just fat, and I can change it.
So, that's my story in a nutshell.
I'm back and I'm determined to get back to 195 or so, and also to get back into my happy gym routine.
My plan is pretty simple. Focus on lean protein and veggies, limit starchy carbs, and eat only portion controlled snacks, and tracking on fitday. Worked last time. Will probably look again.
My new resolution is to add in therapy to try to deal with my underlying problem which is taking on more than I can handle and then coping by binging.
Wish me luck. I've just finished day one and I'm on my way to the gym.
(not changing my ticker for now. can't handle it yet.)
A major setback and what's next for me (long)
You can do this!
