Missing some of our friends
 

I know a lot of us suddenly got really busy, me included. I also know a few of you out there who pop in every now and then to let us know you're still on the wagon. :carrot: But I was reading through some old threads today and several old friends appear in those threads that I haven't seen around in a long, long time and I miss them.

Do you guys do that? Worry about the welfare of those who disappear? You hope they're just super busy, but you wonder if they've lost that spark. I'm always so encouraged to see people come back who maintained while away or gained only some of what they lost back.

Too many times I've been the one who disappeared only to regain everything plus 5-10.

This is a community in many ways as real as the one you live or work in so it makes sense you'd notice when folks have disappeared.

Two years ago when I was first getting serious about eating healthier I joined 3FC and started a topic for folks who work swing or overnight shifts. We face additional obstacles to weight loss and there was some good info shared there but Fall came, we all got busy with life, and now, two years later none of those folks are still here. One person posted once this summer and then disappeared again.

It makes me sad. I hope they are all doing well, especially on the part of this journey we were sharing together.

Yes, I do wonder that myself. I hope that some of it is due to summer and vacations and whatnot. It seems it got quiet around march too like an after New Years lull. I like the support here. I hope anyone who is deciding to come back reads and sees that we are here ready to provide support, advice, encouragement, etc.

I wonder about it, too. It kind of bums me out even while I know I haven't been as active in the last month as usual. Hopefully they will come back!

The statistics about regaining weight are probably a pretty realistic answer for why some people go away after a while. Even though that's probably when they need this site the most, they push away from it because they may feel twinges on reading threads on others' success, or because they're embarrassed to say what's going on with them.

As for me, I get busy sometimes. And every now & then I start thinking I ought to be on the Internet less, and I resolve to keep away from the forums except for certain designated times. (I'm sure I'm not the only one who occasionally rues the amount of time she spends online when she ought to be doing other stuff, and tries to recover more lost time to use for other purposes. Some mornings, when I'm reluctant to get my butt in gear, I have to remind myself: Is it really better to sit here **reading about** losing weight than going to the gym & actually working at it?)

Or maybe people save 3FC for times of trouble. Or else it's like a school where they learn things & then eventually graduate & move on, and afterward use their online time mainly for some of their other interests. They don't want to be completely consumed by the weight-loss project & they pick up their old hobbies & preoccupations again.

Agreed with what Saef said about pulling away from 3FC when you're not doing well. I'm definitely one of those. When I'm on plan, I log in to keep myself there. I post my food, workouts, weigh-in and one reason I'll stay on plan today. But when I'm not doing well, I don't want to post all those things. The one reason I'll stay on plan feels like a lie when I seem pre-destined to go off plan. It is nice to see those who come back and have stayed on plan. I'm not one of those. If I go away, it's bad!

I do have that tendency to feel that I spend too much time reading about weight loss and not enough of that time working on it. But I've also come to accept that I need the support and accountability of this site. I'm much happier with myself spending my online time here than wasting it on facebook and hulu!

Unfortunately many of the names I think about who have gone MIA have come back with big regains, it rarely seems to be anything else, if we're talking months on end of absence. Sometimes different circumstances precipitate those regains (like work transfers, deaths, spousal issues, etc etc) but site or bloggy silences generally seem to point to weight problems.

It makes me sad :(

I've done the disappearing act on other sites. Most notably Soul Cysters and a South Beach site. I've come here and have been the most successful I've ever been. I understand the disappearing act, and for me it's never good. If I'm not here, you can be sure it's because I've given up. I do always end up somewhere again, but I never revisit those old sites. :(

And yes...I could use a little less screen time.

Some do, some don't.

I personally don't visit as much as I used to.... chalk it up to a hectic family life, midnight shifts, and a long distance love.... or whatever :)... but not all of us who don't visit quite so much fall off the wagon. I'm still losing, although a lot slower than at the beginning... and still very much on my diet. I have more off days lately, but that's because it's summer and other circumstances, but I could never go back to eating the way I used to, THAT'S for sure. I feel too great, by far, to do so! :)

So have faith... some people don't fall off, they just get on the wagon called Life and don't look back.... maybe quite so much. ;)

I DO wonder about people and one thing that really does bother me about the internet is the way that people can just disappear from one day to the next and poof! They are just gone...

Sometimes I feel genuinely connected to people and when they disappear it's weird....

I have been SUPER DUPER busy lately, but I still try to check in at least once a day. It keeps me on track.

I've been less active here recently due to a host of reasons. I still check in and read the forums when I can (usually late at night) but I've been missing lots of threads.

I've been here lots less over the summer, due to us having been on holiday twice and then my usual routine being a mess with DD being on school break, but I do still check in and read posts most days if I get chance.
Unfortunately it's also meant that I've been struggling to stay on track and have been reverting back to some comfort eating due to various issues at home. Overall I'm still losing but slowly, and my focus hasn't been there.
Now that school is about to start again I'm recomitting and really want to try to get to goal before the end of the year, as well as trying to tone up my awful saggy bits that are getting me down lately.

Having been around here for awhile I too worry about some people that I felt really connected to here. I may not always post but I read almost daily. I need it to keep on track. Sadly, if I'm not reading, or haven't posted for awhile, I'm struggling...

I have been on less since the Target ad slowed down the site so much. I read about the work arounds but decided it was probably a good thing that I break myself of the habit of mulitiple logins per day, so now only showing up once or twice a day and not always commenting.

I don't seem to have the problem with the ads. I haven't noticed any change in accessing the site....

I can't decide if it's a bad habit or not, but I DO sometimes worry how bereft I feel if I stop by the site and don't see "old friends" who have shared the journey with me. I wish I had more real life support. I don't know any "big losers IRL.

There was another site connected to my freelance job that I used to frequent multiple times every single day for at least three or four years. Now, I only check in occasionally and I rarely post-- I just feel like I'm in a different place developmentally from others who post there. BUT I shared professional connections with those people and ended up being real life friends with some of those people-- I count some people I "met" there as being among my best friends.

The whole internet thing is just weird.

It is, isn't it? You really do befriend people over the internet. You develop a connection. And it's weird...in the real world, I connect better with men. On the internet, I connect better with women.

I am still around and log in--although not nearly with the frequency I once did. I owe so much to 3FC. I hope I have given back *some* of what was given to me. Before joining 3FC, I had lost about 20 pounds. After joining 3FC, I really ramped up the loss--began exercising, became very strict on my calories and commitment to a whole foods lifestyle.

I blogged here for hours every morning when I was in the trenches of my weightloss. My rountine was to run every morning, come home and get my kids off to school, hubby to work and then I would hit 3FC. I am still VERY interested in weightloss and exercise and still read plenty on the subject.

I have regained 7 pounds over the summer. I am not AT ALL surprised. I way cut back on my running and had way too much alcohol. LOL--we bought a house with a pool and somehow, the pool and alcohol go REALLY well together. I would really like to get these pounds off though.

I agree with the sense of community here and people going "poof." It's hard when that happens.

I don't visit as much I as used too either. I am at my boyfriend's currently and with this brings other challenges. I find myself cleaning, reading, going out for walks here more, and of course there's our together time. I find I do better eating here than I do at "home", because my parents constantly have junkfood around, and desserts galore.
I've been making a habit of visiting and reading every day for the last few days, though I don't always post. I need to do that more.

Completely true for me as well...completely. I do have a few great friends--where DRAMA has never, ever been a factor. In general though, I find women to be catty, pure and simple.

I've been around but school has started, busy time with my business, both boys in football, etc has slowly taken over my free time! Ugh, :lol:

Been logging on and reading a lot....I keep losing and gaining the same 10 pounds over and over again. It's driving me nuts!

Same here! I got down a low weight of 200.6 and then I gained a bit back getting out of my routine (had friends visiting and went to NY). I'm still not back into new territory and I'm back at 203.8 today. The real goal is 190 now!

Did you change your goal then? You are just doing an absolutely fantastic job, Matt! Visiting someone and gaining weight have got to be rough on the psyche.

I've been popping in and out for a long time. Yeah, a lot of people disappear only to come back later having regained some pounds. But after all, this is a weight loss site.

However, it's also a weight maintenance site, and many folks pop in over in Living Maintenance from time to time. Still, there are not all that many maintainers posting from week to week.

The thing is, it's all new at first. After awhile, though, you really have heard about everything anyone can say about weight issues. You have seen a hundred questions about how much water to drink, and why the scale goes up and down, and why someone is stalled, and confessions about eating fast food or bingeing, and stories of lack of support from the partner or family, and posts from members who have decided after a decade or two of no significant exercise to suddenly take up running, and injury stories from those same posters, and posts by people you think probably have eating disorders, etc. etc.

It's a great site for focusing on weight loss, but eventually, people's focus shifts. It's now three years since I reached my goal weight. I've slowly regained in the past two of those three years. It's not for lack of trying, but I think I'm up against the law of diminishing returns. What used to work so well isn't as effective now. And I'm not finding a lot of inspiration here, after all this time. That's just speaking for myself.

I do like certain individuals whom I've met here, but we don't really stay in touch outside of posting here. That's kind of a harder thing to do, and not everyone here wants to make lifelong friends online...

So, enough of my rambling thoughts. I guess the point is, people change and move on, and that's not necessarily a bad thing! It's just how life is. You can always send someone a PM if you wonder where they've gone.

Jay

I just changed the goal in my signature. :)

I think 190 would be a good weight for me as a long term goal.

JayEll wrote: I think I hit this stage about a month ago. I think of it as my misanthropic stage: Skimming the new posts, feeling like I'd seen a lot of them before, and sometimes even believing they'd been bumped out of retirement -- but no, it was just a flock of 3FC Freshmen, asking the same questions.

Maybe we need a Trying to Get the Feeling Again forum, dedicated to the jaded & the forum-weary. It will include a challenge: To stump the regulars by asking a completely new exercise or diet question. If you manage it, you get a prize.

The fifty-millionth post asking about how to drink all of one's required water in a single day isn't what keeps me posting here.

What I love is someone asking whether anyone else has achieved orgasm spontaneously during spin class. Or posting a drawing about how to shave one's armpits. Or calling barbeque "candied meat." (That was you, Jay. Loved it.) Or being brave enough to share pictures of a post-weight-loss stomach. I could go on ... but there's an enormous amount of candor & curiosity here that I really enjoy. When I want fat empathy or former-fat empathy, I can't get it so much in real life. People just aren't that trusting or open to pouring out their insecurities. (Actually, if they did, real life would be really embarrassing & wouldn't function very well.)

For one part of my life, this place is essential. For the other seven-eighths, not so much as it was maybe a year ago.

When life gets particularly busy or stressful, I stop coming. Sometimes it accompanies major weight gain, sometimes not. I posted a lot over the summer even though I was majorly struggling with a destructive home life and indulging in mucho stress eating. Now that school has started again and I am doing all my senior work, that is my main focus at the moment. But I also don't post enough to be a major disappearance.

I haven't been around much either, the usual "busy" reasons like everyone else. I'm very happy to report I have not GAINED anything back, even dropped a bit more. Still hyper vigilant tho, gotta keep my eyes open for any mind-shifts and old habits popping back up. So far I've managed to stay away from anything negative, which is a huge bonus.

I guess I've also stayed away lately because I do feel like an outsider on here at times. My opinions don't seem to be the norm, I'm usually on the fringe. I've never felt that "weight" defines a person, whether that weight is high or low. I can never understand how people think they're "good or bad" because of how much they weigh?? I've always felt that self-esteem is the most important thing, not weight. That life is for being happy and making others around you happy. NOT loving oneself does no one any good, IMO. I hate reading posts where women (always seems to be women) say they're horrible, fat lazy gross, don't deserve this or that. that they'll BE HAPPY when they're thin. I would get upset by it and then realize it's not my place to interfere, people are going to do what they like, that it hasn't got anything to do with me. So I just keep on keepin' on, helping people along the way that ask for it (ps thanks for all the PMS, so nice!!!) in some small way if I can :)

I love to check in and see familiar faces doing well, and read what everyone has to say. I tend not to post too much anymore for reasons above, I don't fit the mold I don't think LOL but I like reading very much!

You ARE on the fringe, but are not an outsider. ;) You're right that your opinion is not the norm, and I think that's why you're a valuable member here. You shake us up a bit! In my opinion, we should all try to have that outlook, but the reality is most of us don't. I'm really bad about judging myself based on my weight, though I would NEVER do that to someone else. A lot of us are that way and it's terrible. And it's true that happiness does not emerge with thinness.

In a nutshell, your views on those matters in particular are a highly valuable read!

I used to post here at 3FC a LOT, back when I first joined. That was a long time ago. But after I lost most of the weight I wanted to lose, I drifted away.

No, I didn't regain the lost weight. In fact, I'm doing very well.

I come here occasionally now. I post very rarely, if at all. The individuals I knew back in the early 2000s are no longer posting. I wish them well. I really do.

I'm only halfway to goal and I already feel the "read that already. Five times last month..." deja vu the long time maintainers mention here.

I hope, despite burn-out, they still check in periodically. So many newbies here post once or twice and then disappear. Plus the perpetual "today is the day!" folks. But all of us were new once an dmost of us had at least one false start - for me, seeing the long term maintainers in the 100 Club made a HUGE difference. Hearing these experienced people repeat the "eat less, exercise more, track track track!" manta was very important to me. I wouldn't be where I am right now without the very folks who probably least need the site now.

For the sake of others who have yet to finally "get it" I hope the experienced people don't disappear entirely. Each encouraging post might just be the one that makes all the difference in the life of another fat chick.

Uh, yeah...a few false starts beneath this belt!! That's why I worry about those who disappear. :rofl: I know me!

As I mentioned before, I participated avidly in another forum for several years-- it was the same kind of thing.

People who shared an "impossible dream"... one by one many of the people beat the odds and succeeded, and we shared our thrills and triumphs along the way, and then after a while, people stopped showing up, and the discussions no longer seemed so stimulating to me, and except for my few friends that I knew professionally outside of the forum, I lost touch with the others.

And now, I hardly ever check that forum, because I've seen every question a million times and etc. It's the nature of the beast.

But, it is sort of an intriguing problem, because obviously, in my case, I've achieved two things that many people consider well nigh unto impossible, losing over a hundred pounds and another very long shot professional challenge. And both times I am pretty darn sure that I would not have succeeded without access to a forum of like-minded (like obsessed) people.

It can be a very powerful thing.

This. For real. I get BORED easily and I'm bored (I'm sorry!!!!!!) Because I am practicing maintenance (and doing well at it) I just don't have the interest right now. I need to GET IT BACK but I just don't have it.

So I'm active elsewhere but I just am not that active here anymore... I'm trying to be though!

I am in a between stage now. I have lost a lot of weight but still have a lot to lose. The process is a routine now. There are times that I also get bored with the same questions. Then I try to remember asking those questions myself. I wonder where I would be now if the maintainers like Robin and Lori had not hung around? I think this site is so helpful because those who have succeeded hang around and offer a helping hand to those still working this out. Seeing that others had succeeded really helped me know that it is possible to lose weight, even large amounts of weight.

This.

I can offer coupons for a free pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream as prizes! Or would that be sending a really mixed message....

:lol:

Even those of us who haven't lost the weight get bored too. I've read all the same things and they don't do it for me anymore. I'm trying to find other ways to get going again but it's hard and I still check in because maybe there will be something new that will get me thinking again.

Exactly! There have been so many times where I am having a rough time and read something from a maintainer, then I get myself back on track. So Thank You for being here!

I agree....

It's easy for me to get the sense that I'm out there drifting, but coming here keeps me grounded.

Cheryl, I know what you mean. I've been at this for over a year now and it does start to seem routine, but I constantly remind myself that one year of good habits is competing against 30 years of horrible bad habits.

I can't kid myself. It would not be hard for me to slip back to that place, especially at a time like now when there is so much else going on in my life.