I don't ever want to forget
 

I am just so tickled by this new life I have created for myself. I don't ever want to forget what life was like before. I love that the smallest things make me smile, things ordinary people, always-been-thin people, take for granted.

I kidnapped our niece and nephew for a few days. They're our only niece and nephew so I get to spoil them. We bought them season passes to our amusement park because we live so close. They live an hour away so this is a real treat for them. I go often with my kids but we rarely spend more than 4 hours there at a time because we have passes.

Yesterday we arrived at the park at 10:00 and walk, walk, walked and broke for lunch. Then we walk, walk, walked until dinner. We didn't leave the park until 9:30 that evening because THE KIDS, not Aunt Eliana, were exhausted! :D I was tired, don't get me wrong! But we left because of them! :D I still can't get over the fact that I fit in every coaster and that the harness did not squish the girls even a little bit!! I can ride beneath the same lap bar as the kids on rides where you have to do that and not fear that they're going to fall out because the bar's not low enough for them.

Standing in line my niece complained mildly that her feet hurt and mine didn't! I remember how it hurt my feet to stand at the sink doing dishes. But standing in line was no problem.

It's just such an incredible feeling to feel this alive and with such ease.

Oh, and the heat didn't bother me!! My inner thermostat has regulated itself! Where I used to never sweat, now I sweat buckets and it's cooling! It was 95 degrees out yesterday and HUMID, and yeah it was miserable heat, but it didn't bother me more than anyone else. It was nothing to complain about. What a miracle.

And today...we're back at it! We didn't get to everything they wanted to ride yesterday, so we're heading out the door now, will break for lunch, and then hit the water park.

One more thing...I ate a sandwich and CHIPS for lunch (yeah, four kids in the house) and for dinner I had pizza and salad. And I lost four pounds over night! Uh...yesterday was a long day.

What things do you hope you never forget?

Wow you have done awesome and that is so motivational! Congratulations and thanks! What was your weight loss plan? I am getting started back and it seems so much harder now at age 42 than it ever was before to lose weight.

Your post is wonderful! So happy for you! I also treasure the little things. Fitting into booths makes me so happy.I like not having to worry about the seat belt on airplanes, all those type of things. We were in DC a few weeks ago and I walk, walked, and walked and love it!!! Hubby got tired out way before I did! Being so overweight cause so much stress for me in so many areas of my life. I use to put off dr appointments because of the weigh in. I don't want to ever forget any of it!

:carrot: I am so happy for you!! I remember once upon a time walking around the mall I felt the most excrutiating pain in my lower back (from carrying all of the excess weight)and started on my weightloss journey the very next day. 2 yrs ago my family and I went to the zoo and I was very nervous about doing alot of walking but I walked and walked and walked etc..... and felt GREAT!!! So I truly understand how you feel and think that's why your post touched me the way it did.

Keep up the good work!!! :hug:

I love this question and it is something I need to keep reminding myself about.

- I never want to forget the fear and embarassment that flying in an airplane caused. I'd book the last flight of the evening with the hope of getting an empty plane, getting to the airport super early to make sure that I could get an aisle seat, praying that there was nobody assigned to the seat next to me, feeling embarrassed to ask for a seat belt extender...

- Feeling bad riding in the subway and getting dirty looks because I was so big that I took up two seats.

- Being asked by a 5 year old kid in a video store "just how fat are you anyway?".

- Mega-fear: Booths in restaurants.

- Another mega-fear: chairs with arms that I could not fit into at restaurants (once I met up with several friends so a birthday dinner at a restaurant and I could not fit into the seat. I embarassingly went to a coffee shop while everyone else had dinner).

- Sometimes not being able to put a seat belt on while riding in someone's car.

- Sometimes not even being able to fit into a movie theater seat.

- Another mega-fear: breaking a chair in a public place. This has happened several times in my life.

- Overhearing the comments/ fat jokes that people would say in public places.

Those are GREAT nsv's!!!!

I never ever want to forget:
small children asking WHY I was so fat
not being able to go on rollercoasters
worrying about fitting in booths and always asking for a table
being EXHAUSTED after doing something simple like GROCERY shopping!!!
having to hold my breath to tie my shoes
sacrificing healthy foods so I can buy junk

*deep breath* these are good for me to remember right now.

What a great thread. I am not close to goal yet but so much has improved already and some things are still happening.

I don't want to forget:

The *joy* of acid reflux at 3 am.

Being completely out of breath and fearing a heart attack after 3 minutes of physical play with my son in the back yard.

Putting on jeans that used to be somewhat baggy to not being able to breath or sit down in them.

Seeing myself in the mirror as I step out of the shower.

I don't ever want to forget:-

1. The shame I felt when a girl in DD's class looked at me and pointed, and said to her mum "look at that fat lady".
2. The fear that I'd get stuck in a turnstile.
3. Having to work out a route through tables and chairs in a restaurant or function so that I made sure to find the largest gaps, and then having to stand on my tiptoes to try to get my huge stomach out of the way so I could get through the space.
4. Being too scared to go on fairground rides because the harness wouldn't have fit.
5. Walking just a short distance and being crippled with backache and aching feet.
6. Waking in the early morning crippled with backache.
7. Constant heartburn.
8. Waking myself up snoring.
9. Hating everything about myself, not being able to find ONE thing I liked...
10. Only having one store I could shop for clothes in and even then, when I did find something that fit and looked half decent, having to buy 3 or 4 in different colours.
11. Struggling to find a pair of shoes that fit and didn't cripple me. When I did find a pair I had to wear them til they fell apart, then panic til I found another pair.
12. My total humilation and despair when, at a function held by one of my husband's work colleagues, watermelon was being passed around and my husband said, in front of everyone "does she look like she eats watermelon".....
13. Feeling like my life was over....

Sorry, got rather carried away there, but I think it was good to write those things down.

Thanks so much for starting this thread Eliana. I do get the weird feeling that the reality of my old life as a fatty is starting to fade into the distance, and I'm AFRAID I'll forget.

The thing that is so awful about morbid obesity is that the emotional toll and the physical toll are both so severe.

And what has been interesting for me is that I NEVER realized that the sheer physical joy of losing the weight would be at least equal to the emotional joy.

I never want to forget:

What it felt like to struggle to stand from a deep couch, to need to flop onto my knees to get out of a beach chair, to have a little trouble rolling over in bed.

How exhausted I got when I walked up a steep hill or up three flights of stairs, and how it scared me, because I worried that I might have a heart attack.

How SICK I used to feel after eating way more than I wanted, sometimes feeling as though I shoved it down by force, knowing that I didn't even enjoy it that much, I just felt like I had no choice.

How I was constantly embarrassed and humiliated about my appearance-- how I could not find anything to wear, and how just looking "normal" took a huge and carefully coordinated effort-- and how a lot of the time, I just pulled on clothes that I knew didn't fit or look nice together because I didn't have a lot of choices. How my concern about my appearance affected me every time I met a new person or went to a new place, and how I often avoided meeting professional contacts in person for fear that once they "knew I was fat" they would be less impressed by my other qualifications.

And just today, I was thinking "do I really need to lose the 30 odd more pounds to get to a normal BMI? Because I feel really great right now..."

But then I remembered what one of my ten pound weights feels like, and it does not feel like "just ten pounds." So when I think that I'm still packing three or four of those extra on my body, I still wonder how much more terrific I may feel in the future!

Talk about an amazing, incredible, life-changing experience!

Awesome!

Wow, all of that, I know exactly how you feel.

One thing I don't want to forget is how much I hated going into stores. And not because of the people, or the walking, it was because by the time I got in line I was dripping with sweat, and my hair and face would be wet. Ugh.

I must never forget how much I hated

Avoiding mirrors at all costs. I used to go to the bathroom with the lights off. I didn't get my hair cut in a shop for 15 years. Every new room I walked into, I did a "mirror check" to make sure I wouldn't accidentally catch a glimpse of myself. When I did, it was a terrible trama and whatever I was wearing, I'd never wear again.

Never looking at pictures. I'd let people take my picture, because I didn't want to make a fuss, but I never looked at any pictures I MIGHT be in, just in case.

Not being able to "go along" when certain clothes were called for: I was on a committee that wanted to go buy matching t-shirts for an event we were in, and I had to be like "they won't have them in my size".

Not swimming. I didn't get in the water for 15 years. I still haven't seen the ocean since then. I jut gave up on it.

Never going to the doctor. Every time was humiliating, no matter how nice they were. I only went if I was peeing blood.

Accepting my own early mortality. I knew the weight would kill me early, but I didn't think I could stop it.

I never want to forget how unattractive I felt. I never want to forget being out of breath after climbing the stairs in my own home. I never want to forget being stuck in horrific looking clothes because I didn't know what else to do with myself.

I never want to forget being taken for 30 at the age of 20
I never want to forget realizing my pant size was greater than my age
I never want to forget how people stopped telling me I was beautiful.
I never want to forget how mean other girls have been
I never want to forget not fitting in booths
I never want to forget how often I hide
I never want to forget how I believed my weight meant my talents were worthless.
I never want to forget how family members have regarded me
I never want to forget what I have learned these last few years. Ever

Wow! What an inspirational thread!

I'm still a work in progress & have 55-ish pounds to lose to get to goal. But there are a few things already that I don't want to go back to EVER AGAIN.

~ that feeling of "food hangover" & how it affects the entire next day +. How it made me unable to be a fully functioning wife & mother.

~ the refusal to pretty much ever have my picture taken. I have barely any pictures of me & my kids. How sad :( They're almost 7 & almost 3 & all I know is that there are going to be A LOT more pictures now!

~ the fact that I told DH I didn't want to go to an amusement park because of this, that, or the other, when in reality I'm just too scared I won't fit on a ride.

~ the constant depression of always being the fattest person in the room.

~ basically, the fact that before I was just existing - now I am LIVING!!

I never want to forget the feeling of being worthless and not thinking I deserved anything good out of life.
I never want to forget the fear of not fitting in a booth and I eventually stopped going out to places and staying home bound because of it
I never want to forget how unattractive I felt and how I felt bad for my husband because of the way I looked.
I never want to forget how I stopped going to the movies because I thought I would break the chair
I never want to forget the horrific back pain that made me bed bound and the numbing I felt in my feet sometimes.
I never want to forget how I was letting life pass me by
I never want to forget the sadness and depression I felt because I was so huge and I felt unloved
I never want to forget how the most easy simple tasks were hard for me
Most of what u ladies/guys have said already, I don't ever want to forget. I've experienced it all and its not something I want to relive again. I'm gonna try my hardest to never get back to where I was before.
Eliana:Thank u starting this thread because it helped me realize even more why I am on this journey.

So so true....I should never forget how these things feel/felt -

- airplane fears - seat belts fitting and my fat spilling over to another person's seat

- feeling shame at certain times at different functions

- not knowing if a seat belt in a friend's car will fit over me

- having to ask for help doing simple things

- stomach aches, bloating, indigestion

- worry if a chair will break if I sit in it

- not being able to get up and down from the floor

- will I fit into a movie seat - having to slide in sideways

- worrying that I would have a heart attack because of my high blood work numbers

- never looking in the mirror below my face

- to have stranger tell me I am fat right to my face

- sneak eating and hiding wrappers of food I didn't want any one know about

- grazing on food from morning to night

- to 'hide' or stand 'sideways ' in a photograph

- spending extra money on weight related illnesses

and more...

Airplane experiences....both seatbelt extenders and tiny restrooms
Acid reflux, and waking in a panic
Huffing and puffing after only a few stairs
Not fitting into restaurant booths
Not being able to use certain exercise equipment (250 lb limit!!!)
Needing to be a contortionist for certain hygiene moments. (TMI?)
avoiding cameras like the plague
and on..........

OMG, I'm so w/ you on that one!!! I talked to guys online, just on a friendship basis, and I was scared to meet them b/c I thought they would stop talking to me. I even waited once until I knew this guy that I had been VERY close w/ had a girlfriend and then I met him and his mom. We had a great time that night, or so I thought, but he never called me again. :(

I was in Florida last summer for a bachelorette weekend and we got kicked out of a bar for telling the band's groupee that we didn't appreciate her pulling down her pants and showing us her pink thong. The next night we all decided to get pink thongs and wear them out, as an inside joke. We had to drive 15 miles out of our way to go to Avenue so I could find a thong in my size. :(

Ugh...I do that, too!!! I can act like it's b/c of my height (I'm not overly tall, but I have a lot of short friends) but really I'm hiding my body.

I'll also never forget sitting on the ends of rows when possible b/c I hated having to squeeze in front of people to get to my seat, wondering if I would fit, and hoping my butt didn't hit the people in front of me's heads.

I never want to forget:

How I did not recognize myself in a picture. :( I didn't really see myself as being that big until that picture.
What a very tight size 24 looked and felt like.
How bad my feet used to hurt. I used to go home from work crying because of the pain.
How out of shape I was.
How sad I was.
What I put my body through eating all of the junk.
How much I hated myself.
How insecure I felt.
The disgust, sadness, and embarrassment of seeing the scale say 271. I'm still not to the point where I can willing say what I weigh to people.

Thanks so much for starting this thread. These are inspiring me to recommit to my goals.

Something else I'll never forget is the comments you sometimes get when walking into the mall or stores from young guys who think they are funny. I had one group of boys walk by one day and one of them actually OINKED at me. I mean, seriously??? Who DOES that to people!?!?!? I was absolutely mortified b/c I was w/ my mom...I just acted like I didn't hear it. I just wanted to cry.

I don't remember much about my fat life, but I remember being out with a friend one night, thinking I looked pretty good. I walked past a night club with a sort of mirrored outside wall and I remember catching a glance of my reflection and thinking "God that woman's fat" before realising it was me!

The same night I was chatting to a guy and I said something like "and you've even had a nice girl come up and talk to you" and he looked at me and said "Who's that then!" and I said "Me, of course" and he just LOOKED me up and down as if to say "Are you stupid or what?"

This breaks my heart. :(

That you for posting this. This thread has been totally inspiring and I have already added to the sticky of must read threads!

There are a lot of good posts here and so many comments ring true. A few off the top of my head.

- Fear of white plastic chairs (they still make me nervous even though I know they shouldn't)
- Fear of restaurant booths (which I now love)
- Fear of meeting anyone because of what they would think of me
- Hating myself and thinking I was worthless because of my weight
- Hoping to have no one sit next to me on an airplane
- Carrying a seat belt extender with me whenever I flew
- Hiking up a mountain with my husband and having to stop multiple times
- Wearing the largest size available in the plus size store and thinking that I'd soon not be able to wear anything
- Falling down the stairs and barely being able to walk and thinking that if I didn't do something, I could become immobile at some point
- Lying down on the bed to put on my jeans, hoping that I could zip them up

Wow......it was hard to come & read this post because in ways I'd like to forget.

-the "well meaning" family members teasing me, calling me Tafatty

-having my oldest (who was 6 at the time & is on the autism spectrum) come home crying from school because the kids on the bus called me a fat a$$ & was singing it....he wanted to defend me but cried instead.

-coming up with excuses to not play with my kids

-being embarrassed to go to any of my husband's company functions (he's a vp so it's mandatory)

-getting into a airplane seat and barely fitting with a seatbelt but having my thighs spill out into the other seats

-having a chair break on you in a crowded restaurant & have people look at you in disgust.

I am so very thankful I'm not that person anymore & not a day goes by that I take my new body for granted. I don't care how much work it is!

I can't believe how inspiring this thread is. It brings up the things I often find myself in denial about. Great stuff people.(and some sad, good thing there is a place to express it!)

I have added comments in red. ;)

This thread is great ;) I honestly thought I wanted to forget all about my obesity but now I understand how I really never should truly forget.

I will never forget:

Sitting in a bumper car ride in front of a huge line up and having to be told I was too big to ride. I had to walk away in shame

The excruciating back pain from my herniated disks and spine deformities (its tolerable now)

Having severe heart palpitations every day and having the fear of feeling my heart stop in my chest

sitting on the side lines while my husband and children had fun

hating myself and feeling like a nobody, being treated like a nobody

feeling weak and helpless

having to wear ugly plus sized floral patterned clothes because none of the trendy things fit me

Sweating so bad, especially my face. I couldn't wear make up and social situations were so embarrassing :o

I will never forget how the nasty bullies and the b****y comments made me feel. And I promise that I will never make someone else feel as sh***y as I did!!!

-Fear of breaking chairs

-Avoiding my reflection (still kinda do sometimes)

-Being called fat to my face and trying not to cry

-Failing and crying over being called fat :/

-Wishing I was invisible

-Feeling like I was invisible (hey I got my wish...why doesn't it feel good)

-Clothes shopping/fitting room mirrors/nothing fitting

-Trying on a million items of clothing before finally deciding on one that makes me least unhappy

-Getting winded walking up stairs

-Feeling envious of in shape women. I still admire/envy them but now I know I will get there :D

Eliana, I had a similar experience this weekend. We went to the waterpark and I remember being fat and thinking how the three worst things about going to the waterpark would be being seen in a swimsuit, having to climb all of those stairs, and worrying about flying out of the slide because I was too fat and gained too much speed. This weekend, none of those things mattered and the best part of all was being EXCITED to go up the stairs and even running up them some because it didn't bother me at all.

I don't want to forget trying to calculate whether I was the fattest person in the room.

I don't want to forget buying clothes because they fit, not because I actually liked them.

I don't want to forget being so stinking hot that I would never want to go do anything outside, ever.

Eliana - I love your post! I love your post!!! What a beautiful thing!!!!!!

I didn't see this thread when it started, but it's great!

>>>I don't want to forget being so stinking hot that I would never want to go do anything outside, ever.<<<

The above quote is me right now. It's a beautiful summer day out there, but I'm so constantly hot that it's just miserable.

Hopefully, by next year I'll have a few "I don't want to forgets" to add.

I was thinking of this very thing JUST today!!! Out for lunch and a group piled into a booth and I didn't blink. The OLD me broke out into a sweat at the idea of new places, in case I didn't FIT!! It always shocked me that at McDonald's the fattest place on earth, their tables were so tiny! my boobs rested on the table LOL

But more than all the fun things, I'm glad to be SANE for once in my life, to tell FOOD that I'm in charge, not it. That it holds no more mystical POWER over me. I don't freak out if i don't have enough chocolate & diet coke to last the weekend; I don't think about the order of my snacks (let's see...sweet first, then salty... and finish with some toast!), I don't lay out a plan with military precision of fast food places to hit and get home while it's all still hot LOL the time and effort WASTED makes me a bit queasy, but if that's what I need to live thru to get to the other SANE side, so be it ;)

Being congratulated for taking the bar exam while I was pregnant (I wasn't)

Buying my own seat belt extender because I was afraid I would miss a business meeting if the plane forgot to pack one or didn't have enough

Spending tons of money on plus sized clothes that looked half way decent

Not being able to keep up with people walking

Being in pain in the seats at Fenway Park

Insisting that we park as close as possible to wherever we were going because walking was hard

Guys not flirting with me

Not wanting to go out in public in a bathing suit

Even at my current weight, things are SO MUCH BETTER!

I love the OP because there is so much more to life than dieting! I want to lose weight for many reasons but a huge one is just that I want to live life and look back and say that I had a good life and I was productive person who made a difference in other peoples' lives. I just don't want the weight to stop me from this anymore. Her post was so touching because it really outlines what life SHOULD be like. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now. :)

I have experienced so many of these fears, embarassments, etc. I'm just re-starting my journey (again)...but I will get to my goal weight, and I will get fit, strong and healthy...because life is too short to be limited by immobility, embarassment and fear.

What a great thread! I hadn't really thought about these things until now - I don't miss:

+ needing and extension seat-belt on a plane
+ people asking to change seats on a flight (I fly often for work)
+ the doctor's office not being able to take my blood pressure because the "big" armband isn't big enough.
+ my doctor being an *** to me and blaming all my complaints on my weight
+ daily:degrading remarks from strangers (infrequent now)
+ needing to take a break climbing the stairs to my 2nd floor apartment
+ needing to take lots of breaks carrying groceries to my apartment
+ leaving the house as little as possible to avoid the stairs
+ avoiding outings that require too much walking
+ avoiding outings where I have to eat in public
+ general anxiety in social situations
+ stinky sweat from anxiety in social situations
+ sleep apnea
+ high blood pressure
+ high cholesterol
+ feeling sickly everyday (from eating bad foods)
+ low self-esteem and feeling worthless
+ foot problems
+ skin problems
+ attitude problems
+ being too self-conscious to exercise where people might see me

Wow! What a great exercise!

I always think I've come a long way with my lifestyle changes, but evidently I haven't even considered the half of it! Wow! Wow-wee!

Thanks to the OP for this thread! It's so good to reflect!