This Is What’s Different
 

You know, it occurred to me last night while I was out walking my dogs…there have been dozens if not hundreds of times in my life, particularly in the last five years when I was over 300 lbs, that I have “woken up” all of a sudden and said, man I wished I would have stuck with that diet I started last (month, year, January, summer, whatever) because then I wouldn't be feeling so huge and miserable.

I would have said to myself, DCHound, you have to lose this weight because you have (a party to go to, to fly home for Christmas, to start dating again…). So I would start a diet and of course something would come up, and I’d fail. Again. And give up. Again. Then eventually wake up, look around and be miserable. Again.

Last night though, I was bringing the dogs in from going potty. I looked down, and I was wearing a short skort. And sandals. And a cute top. It was really hot, and I wasn’t wearing sweatpants, horrible wornout tennis shoes, and a ratty t-shirt. I actually looked fairly cute. I didn’t have to hold onto the stair railing to haul myself up the stairs; I walked up normally. My ankles, knees and back didn’t hurt. I didn’t have heartburn. I didn’t feel sick and tired and old.

This is what’s different: I made a promise to myself, I made a plan, and I stuck to it. August 14, 2008, was my mental click. Why is it working this time, when it never has before except in very limited ways (I lost 100 lbs in 1999, I lost 50 more in 2003 then immediately gained it all back and then some by 2004)?

This is why it's different: It’s working because I finally think I’m worth it. I finally have learned to love and value myself. I had to learn to love myself at 350+ lbs before I could start, and stick to, this journey. I didn’t love myself a lot, but I loved myself enough to start. I’ve been able to love myself a little bit more each day since then. And it’s not because I’ve lost weight, although that helps. It’s just because I’m being mindful of it and I’m doing it deliberately.

I force myself to give myself compliments. In return, I am now able to accept compliments much more gracefully than ever before. I force myself not to belittle myself or cut myself down. In return, rather than always feeling bad, guilty, stupid and worthless, I fluctuate between feeling average/normal, good, and even great sometimes.

I think what I’m trying to say is, there’s a lot more to weightloss than simply losing weight. It is more than just a physical journey, it’s a mental journey.

I’ve made this journey before but ultimately failed because I only made the physical journey, the “being on a diet and losing weight” part. I didn’t change my mindset one iota, and when tough times came I caved and gained it all back, and then some.

Late 2003 is a blur. I remember making the first bad choice (at about 180 lbs/size 14, the smallest I’d ever been as an adult) then really I don’t remember anything else til Christmas and having to borrow a size 26 outfit from my sister because I literally had nothing to wear for Christmas dinner other than pajamas or sweatpants.

I had to love myself, at least a little bit, BEFORE beginning the journey.

I had to believe I was worth it.

I had to take this love and this belief in myself and use it to prop myself up and fight back whenever temptation struck.

All this added together equals a lifestyle change, rather than a diet.

I stick with low-carb because it’s a lifestyle and I love how I look/feel from staying on plan, not because it’s a diet.

I go to the gym because it’s a lifestyle and I love how I look/feel from working out, not because it’s punishing exercise.

I wish someone would have sat me down in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, early 2008, and forced me to spend time reflecting on my life, choices, habits and reality. I might have gotten here earlier. But what’s past is past. I’m here now. It’s a total life-change. And I’m truly happy.

And last night, when I realized that I have finally stuck with it, and I’m really reaping the rewards…for a few seconds I was completely and utterly happy and content. What a wonderful feeling it was.

Maybe reading this will help someone who’s teetering on the edge of beginning their journey take that first step. I hope so, anyway.

DCHound... this is a wonderful, moving post. Keep on loving your beautiful self. :hug:

Hear hear! Great Post I agree 100%, all those other times I tried and failed I didn't see the big picture and I didn't value myself like I do now.

What a wonderful post! You sound so happy that it brings a smile to my face.:)


I could not agree with you more. This is the first time that I've ever felt so committed to sticking with my plan to lose weight and get healthier. I believe that this time is different because I am concentrating on the mental as well as the physical. I recently began using visualization techniques each day. I literally close my eyes and invision myself as a smaller woman who feels lighter, healthier and stronger. I'm looking at myself in a mirror and really loving and accepting what I see. Or, I'm trying clothes on in the dressing room of my favorite store. Or, I'm running a marathon (this one is used quite a bit while I'm on the treadmill!) Ever since I began doing this, my mind has started to truly believe that this can be a reality for me. This is the first time I've ever felt like I could have this for myself. This is huge!

Yes, yes, yes ~ that's exactly the way to succeed!

:cp: DCHound!

I totally agree that 98% of weight loss happens between our ears. Several chapters of Tom Venuto's new book, The Body Fat Solution (which may be the best "diet" book I've ever read) focus on the mental aspects of weight loss -- what he calls mental training. He considers it just as important as nutrition and exercise for weight loss. The book goes into great detail about goal setting, reframing, affirmations, attitudes and beliefs, self-talk etc. He's a big advocate of just the kind of affirmations Rhonda is using. It sounded hokey to me at first but ... it works. I highly recommend the book. :)

thanks for those words.

i think loving myself is the hardest thing i have to learn how to do. the other stuff is habit, planning, navigation.

finding that space inside me where it's going to be okay to be me?

that's the real work in all of this.

and you look wonderful today!

isolde

I like this post! Even though I'm not that far into it (this time), I also feel differently about it. Working out is not optional, it is what I do 5 days a week. Counting calories is not optional, it is what I do all the time.

I had someone make a comment that they admired my determination to keep going to the gym as I do. I said, "Yep, I'm really doing well." instead of "well, ya, but I have a long way to go and I'm not that great, etc."

We are so awesome!

I love your post and so glad you posted it. I am really trying to change my thinking on this whole weight loss thing myself. Right now I am in what I call "smooth sailing" mode. I'm amped and this all seems easy right now. But I know from past experience that this phase doesn't last long. So I am trying to build up my mental now. I am going to look into that book Meg mentioned in her post.

Your whole post is brilliant. Brilliant. I nodded my head in agreement throughout. :bravo:

I definitely, DEFINITELY agree that majority of weight loss occurs in the brain. Ones thinking and attitudes about food and exercise. Not to dread it, but to embrace it. Not to be "sad" about making the lifestyle change, but to be happy and excited to do it. To "want" to make these changes. Willingly and happily.

It just amazes me how so many of us, when we get to "that point", how very similar we are. It's like we're all reading each others minds. It's like we've actually GOT the same minds. Certainly the same mind frame.

Meg, that book sounds like a winner to me. I rely on those things - HEAVILY.

Oh DC! God must have whispered in your ear to write this so I could read it! Thank you so much for this!

Thanks so much for you inspiring words.I recently have decided to try to do this for my health and not the way I look.I don't want to be scared of leaving my family at an early age.Before it was always about the way I looked but I must not have cared that much because I'm in the same boat yet again.This time it is to save my life.To see my children grow up and be there for them.

DC Hound...this is a fabulous post!! I couldn't agree more with each and every word! I have been there...done that and back again and this time is different for me as well. Thanks for posting! :hug:

Thank you for that post. It was very moving and oh so true.

Your post really spoke to me, especially this part:

I started because I wanted my life back, but now I see that I didn't even want it back as much I do now, as much as I do increasingly. I honestly didn't know when I started that it would be like this. (If that makes any sense.)

that's so great, and i couldn't agree more!!! I can't count the number of times I went on a diet, half-heartedly at best, and was so disapointed that i wasn't skinny by the end of the week. I thought that eating Lean Cuisine was the only way to salvation, I didn't clue in that the trouble was INSIDE. I could always turn a critical eye to OTHERS and see their flaws and weaknesses. But I never turned the mirror around until recently, and took a good hard look and noticed all the things i love about myself, and a few things I wanted to work on. That's made all the difference - i feel like i was living in a fog almost, just going day by day, in a happy fun life but not really AWAKE if that makes any sense. I feel like the alarm bells went off and i'm UP now!!!

I really like how you ended the post - with a "if anyone's teetering on the edge and this can help" I think that's great, sometimes we don't know the power of the written word or a nicely phrased sentence, sometimes it can resonate with someone in a way you could never have anticipated.

Awesome and inspirational post. Yes, no more looking back thinking "what if" -- it totally is a new life. You are wonderful :)

DC... I could have written this post. Thank you for saying exactly what is in my brain. I am so freaking proud to share this journey with you my friend :)

Wow so many great responses.

I know I'm doing something right if Robin agrees with me.
Yes, Jen, He did.
You too, Tammy.

Some days I get really frustrated and mentally complain and beat myself up for 1) letting myself get so enormous; 2) not doing anything about it for so long then 3) it taking so long for the weight to come off even though I'm 100% OP [yes I lost 99 lbs in 6 months but I've been on plateau since the middle of February].

But then I make myself stop beating myself up. NO MORE BAD ATTITUDE. I am doing it. This is what I do. This is who I am. It's not like I'm going to get to goal weight and immediately start eating Reese's cups again. No more, I'm done. So I'm just going to stay patient and be my own #1 cheerleader...because I deserve it.

I read a post by my friend Colleen recently (kaplods) where she was talking about being seen in a bathing suit and she said something like, 'I have as much right to be on this planet as anyone.' She certainly does. We all do. But up until quite recently, I couldn't have said to you that DCHound has as much right to ________ as anyone. I didn't feel that way about myself. Now I do. More than yesterday. And a bit more tomorrow. Join me, won't you?

You bet! I am so there!! :)

DC, I also would completely agree with ALL of your post. My experience has been similar to yours as well. I guess I just got really mad--at myself and at others too. I AM WORTH THIS and I absolutely DO deserve every happiness this universe can bestow on me.

p.s. And yes, I am absolutely WITH you sister.

So true and so right - This is how I need and try to think. I have struggled so with impatience and thinking that I am not losing weight fast enough even though I realize that I am losing steadily. This is my demon to fight.

of course I am with you! Always!!!!

Yeah! Thanks for the wonderful (and inspirational post). You've convinced me to take that walk tonight that I was going to skip cause Im tired and in a weightloss rutt!

WOW. DCHound you basically described everything I do and feel. I can not accept compliments because I do not feel worthy. I belittle myself. I feel stupid all the time. I feel not worthy of doing certain things or being certain places because I am fat. I know I have to love myself and the self-sabotage will stop. My problem is where to start. How do I love myself and give myself compliments when I don't believe them? :?:

Just lie. Pretend. Go put on a nice blouse and a pair of earrings and lipstick ~ that's all, nothing special ~ then go look in your mirror, make eye contact, and say outloud, "Dek, you look good! I like you, and I love you." Doesn't matter if you think you actually look good or not, just do it. Doesn't matter how you really feel about yourself ~ just do it. Then do it again tomorrow. Twice. And the next day. And keep on doing it. AND EVENTUALLY IT WILL WORK. I promise. I believe I did this many times a day, for MONTHS, before I really started to believe what I was hearing. I learned I had to pretend I felt OK before I actually did feel OK. Then I started feeling good sometimes, and OK sometimes, and sad a little bit of the time. Then the ratio began shifting more to the good, and less to the sad. And on and on.

Others here call it "fake it til you make it." It really, really works. Do I like myself all the time? No. Do I love myself all the time? Nope. Do I cut myself down sometimes? Sure. But, percentage-wise, I am 99% kinder to myself, and I love myself 1000% more, than I did a year ago. Or ten years ago. Or 39 years ago even.

It's a process, and it's a journey, and you have to enjoy the journey. Just pretend to enjoy it at first...it'll kick in eventually.

Great post! and great responses too!

I think you are so right, dch. I think the reason it's working for me this time is exactly the same.

I've lost a load of weight twice before.
First time in my 20s, down to 116 (from a startweight - 168 - I'd love to be at now!). I was slim but not in a good place, and don't remember enjoying it.
Second time in my 40s, down to 136 from the 242 that I still show as my startweight, cos I didn't finish. I was slim and was really happy with the results and my confidence; but it didn't last.
This time, you're spot on, I was happy with myself before I started. It took a while. I met and became friendly with a really great couple, who are very big. They are so comfortable with each other. He's hot (imho) and she's one of those opulent, creamy-skinned, dark-haired gorgeous women, that make me ponder the difference between opulent and fat. That was about a year ago. Then I went to work in Germany for 3 months and that went well. Then I started my new job here mid-Jan, and I was treated well, and seem to be doing well. I guess it's taken a year of gradual self-contentment to get to the jump-off point for weightloss.

Wow! DC hound, you said it so perfectly. I randomly clicked on page 51 tonight to read some old posts and came across this, and I'm so glad I did. This is just beautiful and inspiring - and so true. :hug:

This is such an inspirational post! I've favourited it and copied it and sent it to everyone I know who battle with weight (hope that's ok). Thanks so much for this.

I definitely will join you! :)

Thanks so much for sharing your beautifully written post. It's just what I needed to read and think about.

I was in therapy years ago and thought I was a 'bad person', thought all sorts of negative things and had awful self image. but...my then therapist told me to fake it, and every time I had a negative thought pop up to make sure I countered it with a positive one, regardless of whether or not I believed it, 6 months later and I was WORKIN' THAT. :)

it sounds silly I guess, but it really works!

it's kind of like when you hear a song you hate but the radio plays it over and over and at the end of the month you are singing along ;)

Wonderful post DC!

Beautiful post DC. You're an inspiration to all of us.

AB.SOL.UTELY.

I cannot agree more.

I can't believe how much I feel like I've learned about myself in the past 4 months of changing my lifestyle. Making the final plunge to become healthy in EVERYTHING, including my eating (which is what is making the difference).

Sometimes it feels that the past 4 months has been 4 years... and sometimes it feels like 4 weeks. But for some reason... I feel so much older (in a good way though, maybe mature is the word), better, and STRONGER. And proud of myself. And happy. :)

My whole LIFE just seems so much better for it.....

thanks so much for the beautiful post. i completely understand how you feel!

DCHound - Thank you so much for putting your struggles and triumphs into words with this very moving, heartfelt and wonderfullly inspirational post. You essentiallly told my story as well, but much more eloquently than I. I can tell this time is different for me too...because I do care more and love myself more than ever.

You truly are an inspiration to many of us. Thank you for this post :hug:

DC - It was awesome to see this thread pop back up today! You Rock!
:high:

Thank you for the beautiful post!