Whew. You know when you have a ton of ideas and thoughts swirling around in your head for ages but you just can't make sense of them ... or you don't have the time or the will to make sense of them. That's been me.
Why? Why, when so many others are struggling with losing weight, gaining weight back, struggling to stay on plan, why can I? What makes me so special? What I am I doing WRONG? Should this not be harder? Way harder? When is the other shoe going to drop and I will FAIL! I worry that if I ever was to go off plan I'd never get back on. And what about when I am at goal? What makes me think that I can actually KEEP this weight off when so many gain it back? Am I really this pompous to think that I can do it when so many others fail?
I keep thinking that I am tricking myself. Whenever I get on the scale I wonder how I am managing to trick the scale into saying a lower number. Did I step in a slightly different place on the scale? How am I getting the measuring tape to read smaller? Did someone take out the seams in my clothes to make them larger? Did my husband photoshop the pictures to make it SEEM like I am losing weight?
And when I do lose my weight... who will I be? I'm the fat mom that does everything. Is a breastfeeding counsellor, Treasurer of my schools PAC, runs a daycare, makes slings, teaches attachment parenting courses, is the costume mom for dance... People are amazed at what I do and CAN do. Will it be as amazing when I'm thin?
Where will I shop? I have not shopped in a store that was not for plus sizes in 12 years!!! I wouldn't know where to begin. In fact right now I am wearing clothes that are a couple sizes too big because I simple hate clothes shopping because I buy whatever fits... not whatever looks best.
On the plus side I am happy. I am feeling way better. My heartburn is all gone. I sleep better at night. I'm more flexible and have more energy.
But is this really happening? I feel like I'm in a really good dream and could wake up at any moment and I DON'T WANT IT TO END!!!
*I know this is really more of a blog post but I think that there are many of us here that can related to some of these things... I'd like to hear your stories too
cfmama, wow. I loved your post..I know exactly where you are coming from..especially playing the fat momma role..I was SO THERE..have been for years...things are changing though in my life and it's a new day...sounds like they are changing on your end too
you are doing it, girl...you are losing the weight..you are freeing yourself to be what you want to be...it's all about you...you will continue this because you know it's worth it, you know it works and you know YOU are worth it..
You are asking some questions that I wish I had the answers to, for my own reasons. 2.5 years ago I lost 70 lbs. Then a year later I started to put it back on again and I couldn't get my mind back into the "I can do this" mode.
Someone here has a signature line I like. It's not that we don't have will power, it's that we aren't ready yet. But what do we need to do to get our heads ready to do this?
As long as I am ready and get started, I can lose the weight. For me, the challenge is letting my mind slip back into "not ready" mode, and I don't know how to stop that from happening. I was so thrilled when I was a slim and healthy weight...and I looked great in my small clothes and it was fun to wear pretty clothes again and feel good about myself. Why wasn't that enough incentive to stick with it?
I hope someone has some ideas on this, as I am terrified of reaching my goal, and then once again, not being able to maintain it.
Last edited by recidivist; 12-18-2008 at 07:46 PM.
I understand totally what you mean.... My worst fear is not being as likeable as I am now... Everyone likes me, girls and guys, what if when I'm thin girls are too jealous to not talk trash, and what if guys aren't as nice to me because there's a chance they think I'm too good for them, what if they think I'm a ***** because I'm thin? will people still compliment me every day on my makeup if I;m not fat? so much more in my head but yeh... I am all confuzzled n crap with my feelings and ideas.
Oh... and like... I have a good personality for my size you know... what if when I'm thin, my personality is too abnoxious, or too nice, or too cocky.. i duno lol gosh... you rly got me thinking. STOP BRAIN STOP. breeeeath. It's all going to be okay
Oh gosh. I could write books on this. I read your post and my brain just started whirling. So this will be kinda rambly and stream of consciousness.
One thing that comes to mind is the difficulty factor. When I first started losing, I felt like you ... how come this is so easy. It's never been easy before. No one else seems to think it's easy. Am I doing something wrong? Am I hallucinating? Maybe I'm going to wake up from this dream? What the ****?
And then ... just this last year it got harder. I'm closer to my goal than you are - about 30 lbs away. And it got harder. And then, just this last two weeks my body has gone crazy and freaked out and even though I'e been on plan, I have no only stopped losing, but I've gained a few. So now, suddenly ... it's freakin' HARD. And I'm having to rethink my earlier attitude of "well this isn't that hard - why didn't I do it earlier!"
I suspect at some point this will happen to you. And that's not to discourage you or make you depressed or give up. But ... just maybe something to keep in mind. It might happen to you. Then again, it might not. You might be lucky and just cruise all the way through to goal. (And if you do - damn you! )
But I posted earlier on another thread - I LOVE being not-fat any more. I don't say skinny or thin or slim yet - because I feel like I have a ways to go. But I'm NOT fat anymore. And ... DAMN! I love it so much.
And more than that, I'm healthy. I care about where my food comes from. I care about what I put in my body in ways I never did before. I am aware of all kinds of things that never mattered before.
And I know I'll never go back to where I was. Ever. I can never be that person again.
I can definitely relate to the "how am I tricking the scale" thoughts.
I'm pretty much snowed in at my mom's house and have been eating pretty well but really not doing the work to count calories very accurately. In the back of my mind I'm thinking I must have gained all the weight back in the three days I've been here. I know that's not true but in my brain are all these thoughts about how since I'm not weighing my food perfectly I must be eating like a total pig. For lunch I had half a sandwich and I'm not eating if I'm not hungry. So there's no real evidence of anything going wrong but there's a lot of fear.
What scares me is that I've never had that "this is easy" phase. Each and every on-plan day is a struggle for me mentally. I've always been a very emotional person and I learned early in my life that food could soothe my emotions. Battling this lifelong thinking is tough. I do hope it gets easier one day.
I can so relate. While I've had some struggles and very minor setbacks, things seem so easy yet. I can't figure out why it is suddenly not a problem, or why I couldn't do this before. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for me to just start eating and start gaining.
I thought about previous weight loss efforts and realized that seven months was my pattern. Here I am at about 9 months "on plan" and things have gotten easier, not harder. I am in therapy, and I keep telling my therapist that this seems not real, I don't trust it. I feel as though I am in a rowboat without oars that is drifting in a wonderful sunlight place, but if it went into a storm I wouldn't have any control.
The reality is (I hope) that I am developing "food control" muscles and patterns that I hope will help down the line. I'm trying to enjoy the easy period and not get crazy. I believe that just as it has proved true for Photochick, this too shall pass and I need to be ready.
Meanwhile, I'm enjoying the relative ease of this weight loss period. Hang in there, when the tough times come we will stick together and pull each other through.
Absolutly how I have been feeling. It was all pretty easy until the weight loss slowed down to a crawl about a month ago. And just in the past 2 days...I'm feeling doses of "out of control" that I thought I had conquered slipping back in. It is scarey. And it has me totally freaking out about maintenance.
I had that period of feeling like it was miraculously easy for about 5 months, and now for the past couple of months I've been in a period of feeling like it's really hard. I think for me the "it's really hard" is simply because my weight loss hasn't been as fast as I would like, and I'm impatient. Quick weight loss is so rewarding that it's easy to stay on plan; at least, for me it was easy to stay on plan when I was steadily losing 10+ pounds per month. Now that I'm losing 5 or fewer pounds per month, it feels like a slog.
Staying on plan is still easy, but sometimes I feel like my thoughts are battering the inside of my head about "what am I doing wrong, how can I change this, how can I do it better / harder / faster, what if my body is all messed up and I'll never really lose the weight," etc. It's all very silly, because there's no logical way a person can eat like I do and NOT lose weight EVENTUALLY.
My husband is still in the "miraculously easy" period and I'm happy for him. But still envious. He just doesn't have to worry about food much, as long as he's eating from the healthy choices we have available. And he's only exercising in order to maintain muscle mass, not because he's concerned about slowed/stalled weight loss. *sigh*
what if my body is all messed up and I'll never really lose the weight," etc
These are my exact same thoughts that I fight constantly. It's like I think that the laws of nature apply to all bodies except mine. I thought I was the only one who thought these things.
cfmama it is as if you had been reading my thoughts and feeling about weight loss I think it is normal to have these thoughts and feeling. Those nagging doubts that creep in.
I have had a relative "smooth journey" in weight loss until I hit about 15 pounds to lose. Then wham bam it has been murder going up and down on the scales like a yo-yo on weigh day. No more steadily losing the pounds they are inching of so slowly it is unbelievable. Now I am near my goal weight it is so much harder for me to stay on plan, as I seem to be "good" yet the weight doesn't come off so it makes it hard. I am hoping to regroup in the new year and try my hardest to get to my goal. Whilst I am struggling I am endeavouring to be in the maintenance phase and not gain more than 5lbs which I have never done or been near phew (mops ones brow )
Thanks for sharing these thoughts and starting this thread I think I needed this to think I am not alone with what I feel or the doubts that we have from time to time
I can relate to everything you wrote. I think it's why we try so hard to understand the mental/emotional side of weight issues. For me so much of it is in my head! I've read a lot about the "click" that happens in your brain that sets many off on the weight loss journey. For me it definitely happened, but it took about three months for it to hit me full force. I am terrified that I will go back to the old thinking which was just what warmaiden described: my body is messed up, I have so many metabolism, blood sugar, genetic, emotional issues that I just can't lose weight. I was convinced the only way I would lose was on 600 calories a day and I wasn't willing to live like that. Now that I'm getting closer to goal it's harder because it is so much slower. So now I'm terrified that I will stop losing no matter show hard I try to stick to my plan.
The issues with what kind of person I will be and will people like me are there too. The only problem I don't have is shopping! I love it!
Massive brain dumpage
) 
I think it is normal to have these thoughts and feeling. Those nagging doubts that creep in. 
