I wrote a post the other day about feeling like a fraud in clothing stores. Then this past week I had planned a girls night out and couldn't wait - had a totally hot dress to wear dancing, but as the night approached I got more and more apprehensive - then when we went out I felt very uncomfortable in my own skin and size 12 dress (down from a 20/22!). I should have been over the moon, right? I've been thinking about this a lot and just had to tell someone who would "get it" - of course all of you - it's a trust issue. When I was my heaviest every little bit I'd lose I thought I looked so different and complained no one noticed. Even this particular weight loss time - losing since January -I would go out and have fun, for example my bday in April I had lost 35lbs. - and look at the pictures and think I look so good. I sent the pictures all around and was so proud of my success - now I look back at those and they don't look good - better than before, but I was still quite heavy - somehow I didn't see it. So that has me wondering................how can I trust myself now? I think I look good, (still have more to lose), but now I think how can I trust my own eyes? Since when did 181lbs look hot? There are plenty of women on here starting their weight loss at that size - do I get extra credit for starting bigger - no.
Yeah yeah, I'm proud of my accomplishments, but when I go out and am around people who don't know I've lost weight - I'm still the big girl in the room - aaaaargh! This can just be so hard sometimes! I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal".
I think a person can loose their weight, reach their goal, go out and buy all the clothes in the world, dress up and go out and still feel out of place and still feel like the "fat girl." The reason is that the weight we wear, we wear it for different reasons and I really truly believe that the reasons rarely are about eating too much or blah blah. We tend to have a negative view about ourselves for whatever reason/s and we wear that literally in the form of weight. I might be wrong about this, but that is what I personally believe.
You're not hiding behind your weight and you are seeing yourself with fresh eyes. With me, I started to lose weight at 340 pounds. I had lost about 30 pounds when a few family members at a visit said "we see you are doing something about your weight and you are looking good" and I though to myself 'are you people blind?' lol... Looking at myself in the mirror I saw it too and was excited. But then you go out into the world and everyone judges me as a morbidly obese woman. I start to think about their thoughts...especially if I'm shopping for groceries...I see their thoughts as something negative because they don't know where I started out this journey and where I am now.
Now I'm 60 pounds lighter and I recently bought new clothes and they "fit"...apparently I've been wearing clothing that hangs on me like huge tents. Now I look at myself and think "i look okay I guess...not good, but I can see my shape coming through" and I start to get a bit excited. Going out into the world changes my view as I feel like a "fraud" and you know I start to think that maybe what I see isn't what other people see. A trust issue as you say...
For me though it isn't about the weight. As I emerge from my fat shell I am facing my own insecurities, fears, and past issues and wanting to feel "normal," but at the end of the day I know that normal doesn't exist for me. If I was 135 pounds I would still feel out of place and awkward, that is my point. I just want to be me!
Maybe it isn't about how we "look," but how we look at ourselves.
What is normal? I saw a study one time where they interviewed women of all sizes and shapes. It was amazing to me to find out that the slender women with model beautiful faces had body issues, too. Sometimes, I get discouraged when I think about the fact that I'll have tons of loose skin, my wrinkles will become more noticeable without the fat fillers and I'll never have the slender muscular physique I've always wanted. But, I've decided that I want to be the best 'me' I can be.
I had a friend in high school that wasn't the most conventionally attractive girl. But, people were drawn to her and she was hugely popular. She once shared with me that, inside, she was a shy person. Her mother had told her to walk into a room like everyone there wanted to know her and be like her. Well, it worked. Sometimes, a great sense of confidence can overcome what physical shortcomings we think we might have.
Last edited by GirlyGirlSebas; 12-15-2008 at 10:15 AM.
What is normal? You know, a lot of what 'hotness' is, is how you present yourself. You can weigh 500 pounds, and if you project true confidence - it shows.
There are plenty of skinny people out there that do not project confidence, and it shows.
Pictures don't necessarily capture that intangible confidence, they are just brief blips in time without the living spark.
It's all part of the process. We don't go from starting weight to goal instantly, be really proud of what you have accomplished so far, and show it off!
I can kind of feel where you're coming from, but I think that you have to be the one to decide to feel good about YOU and to feel good for yourself. I have to constantly remind myself that while I'm not where I want to be that I'm also not where I was! I've noticed that when I project how good I feel about myself, other people are attracted to wanting to be around me. It's got to come from inside of each of us, individually, though.
I'm sure that you are proud of your accomplishment to lose the weight. Just remember to celebrate it! And to always find a reason to celebrate YOURSELF!
I know just how you feel. Sometimes I feel great, like I look really good. Other times I feel so insecure and like I look terrible. I'm finding that it was partly about the weight, but it is much more than that. It's a real lack of self confidence and I'm trying very hard to overcome it. Yesterday I went to a get together with some people that I didn't know. There was a woman there that is very heavy, probably close to my starting weight. She is very outgoing and confident. I kept thinking about how I wish I was outgoing like her. I used to hide behind my weight, and blame it all on that. I would think "as soon as I get thinner I'll feel so much better." Losing the weight does help a lot, I do feel better. But there is still that part of me that wants to hide. I forced myself to make conversation and in not too long I started to feel much more comfortable. I think I'm getting rid of my excuse (the weight) and forcing myself to quit thinking so much about myself, worrying about what others think about me, and just let myself enjoy the moment.
Sorry to get off on a tangent there. What I want to say is, don't worry so much about feeling skinny. You are doing great, enjoy your life, don't beat yourself up about how you look. Pat yourself on the back for how far you've come and keep working toward your goal.
I think a person can loose their weight, reach their goal, go out and buy all the clothes in the world, dress up and go out and still feel out of place and still feel like the "fat girl." The reason is that the weight we wear, we wear it for different reasons and I really truly believe that the reasons rarely are about eating too much or blah blah. We tend to have a negative view about ourselves for whatever reason/s and we wear that literally in the form of weight. I might be wrong about this, but that is what I personally believe.
Well said!!
When I went from 200 lb to 155 lb, I felt like the exact same person. One time I said to a friend of mine who was trying to lose weight, "I thought I would feel like a different person when I lost all this weight, but you start to realize that you still feel like yourself, and sometimes you even feel worse" and I burst out crying. I didn't even know WHAT I was feeling until I articulated it to her.
That's when I realized, even when I was 120 lb, I had body image issues and a problem with how I looked.
Sometimes I think we have fantasies about being different people when we lose weight. Well, folks may respond to us differently, but we are still the same person...there we are.
I think we do change a bit, I have more self-confidence when I am thinner, but I'm still me, not the fantasy cheerleader/prom queen I sometimes expect to be.
I'm at a point where I have gone down so many sizes that I cannot deny a huge transformation has taken place. I look down at my body and I feel so thin. This idea is reinforced daily when the people I see on a daily basis comment on the obvious change in my size. They also tell me how skinny I am getting...
But the truth is...I'm not skinny. Not even close. I'm still considered overweight by 4 lbs. I don't reach underweight until 130 lbs. I am only skinny when compared to my starting point. In my own little world. Around my own regular people skinny is my reality. It is how I feel.
When I get out in a strange place and around strange people. I start seeing myself through their eyes. I don't feel skinny at all. I am all of a sudden aware that my hiney is still wider than most. If I don't sit up straight...I have rolls to hide. I have to keep my chin up to avoid the appearance of a double chin. I don't move as freely so that I don't jiggle and draw attention to myself. I don't feel people looking at me with disgust anymore...but I do feel they are thinking how I could be really pretty if I would just loose a few pounds.
I understand how you feel, I know the way you are thinking. I lost a lot of weight 3 times. The first time I was in the 7th grade, I weighed 195 and got down to 140. Needless to say when I was heavey (and as a child I always was) I was picked on, called names, mentally tortured really. So I thought when the weight was gone it would stop, people would like me, friends would come easier. Well, guess what. It didn't happen that way. I still was teased, oh of course my "true" friends praised me and told me how wonderful I looked but......... they still screamed "fat ***" when I walked down the hall.
So later when I was in my early twenties I gave it another whirl, I was 225 and got down to 165. But I still felt like the fat girl, that little kid inside was still waiting for the names to be called when I walked in the club, she was waiting for the "moos" at the bar. When it was supposed to be a night of fun, a celebration of accomplishment, it was still a night of no self confidence, no "pretty thin girl" feeling.
So I agree with everyone else, it is a self confidence issue. You have been trapped in the fat image too long and need to adjust, realize that you are not fat anymore. Dammit you have got to love yourself, you are worth it! You have worked damn hard and accomplished a great deal. Hold that head up and get your groove on! No body out there is better than you, they all have issues of their own, nobody is perfect. But we all are working on getting there baby!
Wow. WOOOW. I really could have written your post myself, word-for-word! You basically just described exactly how I have been feeling lately! I also wear a size 12, and we are somewhat close in weight (I'm ~188 lbs, or at least today I am, hehe!), so I think we're both right around that size where it's really hard to tell what you look like... I guess that sounds kind of dumb, but that's exactly how I feel. I feel like, in the past when I'd see women on here that wore 12s, or were in the 180s, I'd be like "D*mn! That's skinny!!" So now that I'm here, I feel like I should be rejoicing and really happy with myself--not enough that I stop trying to reach my ultimate goal (since I'm still technically "overweight" and thus unhealthy), but at least enough that I feel more confident about myself. And some days, I really DO. I feel thinner, and I can feel myself gaining more confidence in my appearance all the time, and I feel way more comfortable in a lot of social settings... But then other times, I'll look at myself in the mirror, and suddenly it's like, Okay, but I still have a REALLY long way to go... And all the things that you mentioned? They've been running through my head, too! I'm like, "Well, I thought I looked pretty good when I was ___ lbs, too, but now when I look at those pictures, I don't think I look so thin anymore..." So how can I tell whether some day I'll look back on pictures from this weight and think that I don't look as good as I thought I did? Or YES, like you said, I can't stop thinking of how plenty of women on this site actually start at my current weight (or lower!), so even though I've come a much longer way to get here, that doesn't mean I should be any more content at this size than they are! Right? I just want to be average sized, and look like a "normal" person--to me, that means that other people would look at me without registering anything really out of the ordinary about my body. (Does that make sense?) Unless, of course, they're thinking "Wow, she is extraordinarily hot!!"
Before I get a lot of concerned messages, I'll clarify that I usually (like 9 times out of 10) feel awesome and confident about myself, and always have, regardless of my weight. And I don't ever look at pictures of myself and think, "Ew, I'm fat and ugly." What I'm getting at (and what I think the OP is talking about) is more of this feeling of not knowing whether I'm seeing myself "accurately." It's getting harder to deal with this strange in-between stage, because I still do feel very much overweight, and sometimes I wonder if I might be smaller/bigger than I feel. I'm not even sure how big I feel, for that matter! Heh, this is so frustrating... Sorry that I'm not helping you much, skinnyinsideout, but maybe it'll comfort you to know that you are not at ALL alone in the way you're feeling!
I've been trying to process a reply to your post most of the day. I completely hear you and see where you are coming from but I think I have the OPPOSITE problem.
Even at 376 I thought of myself as sexy and was very confident. As I get smaller though I almost wonder if I am going to lose myself. The part of me that said "yes I'm fat! What's your problem?" you know? The really saucy sarcastic spicy part of me that is soooo who I am.
Fat is my identity and it was obviously working for me for a long time.
For me, I am going to continue on my journey, seek counseling if needed and try to enjoy every part of this ride.
I went to my office Christmas party on Saturday. And I borrowed a size 22 halter top prom dress, black, with sparklie below the bust line. And I looked decent, because I have been working out, so my arms have achieved a little firmness, and I wore Spanx and the dress was just right.
Monday I got compliments from several co-workers. And they all said, wow, you danced and had a good time. And the dress really showed off your assets, girl. No one said, you're still a cow.
Can we be as nice to ourselves as we are to other people?
You are not a fraud, and the only person you should ever compare yourself to is yourself. And when I get down to a 12, I am going to be hot. Because I refuse to be anything else.
75 pounds is a great loss congratulations! It is harder to see the loss in the mirror because it is coming off slowly and from all over our body. Others can see it in us easier than we can. Getting the right size is a mind game, I remember going to my gym and bragging I had bought a size 10 pair of slacks, I had never worn a size 10. The reply from my friend, well size 10 is too big on you. She was right, I hadn't considered a smaller size as it just seemed impossible that I could wear anything smaller. Be patient and above all be kind to yourself.
I am almost in tears as I read this because I still feel like the fat girl too. I hear the comments almost daily and it does help some but in many ways the constant comments just make me remember the parts of my body I am not happy with. More so than anything, I feel fat to the bone and I cannot imagine getting to a place any different. I have making my new choices since June. Maybe I just need more time.
Trust is the issue.....
- it's a trust issue. When I was my heaviest every little bit I'd lose I thought I looked so different and complained no one noticed. Even this particular weight loss time - losing since January -I would go out and have fun, for example my bday in April I had lost 35lbs. - and look at the pictures and think I look so good. I sent the pictures all around and was so proud of my success - now I look back at those and they don't look good - better than before, but I was still quite heavy - somehow I didn't see it. So that has me wondering................how can I trust myself now? I think I look good, (still have more to lose), but now I think how can I trust my own eyes? Since when did 181lbs look hot? There are plenty of women on here starting their weight loss at that size - do I get extra credit for starting bigger - no.
