ugh what do i do??? anything??
 

Ok this is a WEIRD post to be sure!

I have a friend who's quite obese as well, she's about 50 pounds heavier than I am now, and desperate to lose weight but doesn't want to actually DO any work to achieve it. That's fine, we've all been there, it's her decision.

I told her about this website and the great support, and how fun it is with your tracker showing how much you've lost, etc., and how you can post progress pics, etc. She said she was on "another site" with the same type of stuff....anyway, I was browsing around and I found her...

BUT!!!

She's posted her pictures from NOW as her "before" pics, and pics from 5 or 6 years ago when she was significantly thinner as her "AFTER" pics, if you see what i mean.... she's getting all sorts of praise and worship and questions on how she did it, etc., but it's all a lie....


I know it's none of my business and she must be doing it for a self-esteem boost but it's so sad and tragic in my mind!! how would i bring it up?? SHOULD I bring it up? leave it alone??? ugh, it's horrible!

thanks for reading :)
t.

That is completely uncool. But if I was you, I'd leave it alone. However, if she wanted some help dropping some pounds I'd buddy up with her and help her the best I could. BTW I just don't get how that would help her self esteem because it isn't real and kind of sad.

Tough one. It's pretty sad really. Maybe she is "psyching" herself into starting the journey.....but that's really reaching for an explanation.
I probably would say something because I've got a big mouth....but really I'm not sure that would be wise.
Good luck:?:

That is sad. I too probably wouldn't say anything. You might ask her if she cares to share with you what site she's on and then later can tell her you checked it out and see what she does.

Wow! Trazey...that is just crazy. Well, you now know a little something more about this friend. She's not honest. Hope she wasn't a close friend. I'm not sure its even worth it to bring it up.....unless, she wonders why you're not coming around as much?

My sister-in-law is on a social networking site that I am also on. The pictures she has posted of herself there are all around 12 years old. She is now in her mid-30's, so all of the pics are of her when she was 23! Not too mention about 60 pounds skinnier......I think this is a sign of some very deep dissatisfaction with her current life. The internet has allowed her to fantasize about the 'good ol days' in a very real way. It is unhealthy and really quite sad.........I would say your friend has some self-esteem problems and would probably do anything to go back to that skinny self - problem is now she is fighting off other demons so doesn't have anything left over to fight the fat. Dr Phil's books are really insightful on some of this type of stuff...If she hasn't read them, maybe you could recommend them to her. Or just call Dr Phil and have her on the show!!! ;)

Maybe she needs the praise to feel good about herself.....maybe it will motivate her to get something going.....

Umm...she knows what she's doing. I wouldn't say anything - just try and be a good example. When she's ready she'll come around.

Trazey - This is tragic. Regardless of her reasons. I feel for the woman. She is obviously low on self-esteem and wanting attention. (I may be a little touchy about this, because we're all on a site where we trust everyone here to be telling us the truth, because we think their accomplishments are amazing!)

Sadly, it isn't any of our business that she's lying. (Not like she's robbing banks or something.) So, I wouldn't bring it up directly if at all.

However, if you really-truly-have-to-know-no-buts-about-it want to find out why she's doing it... (yes, maybe for motivation... I doubt) then bring up the site she mentioned. Be blunt and ask her what her screen name is, and that you're curious about how she finds the site's support and what not. Maybe she'll come right out and say what she's done & why. If not... drop it completely. (Although for me this sort of thing would color my view of her differently.)

Well, maybe in an odd way, the praise she is getting will help her get motivated to really deserve it. It's kind of funny but sad, and it would really disturb me to find out something like this about someone I considered a friend, so I understand why you're upset. I'm sure it would affect the relationship. Think about if you said something, what would it accomplish? If nothing except to embarrass her, I wouldn't say anything.

It does give pause though... Anything we read on any site could be false, even 3fc. I always try to keep this in mind, and also try to keep in mind that people I know could find my postings one day and figure out it's me. So I try not to write anything that I wouldn't say face to face, or that would be embarrassing if they became public knowledge.

Ok, she's a poor sad woman looking for strangers to make her feel better about herself. Pretty sad but I wouldn't say anything; she's got enough problems without piling on more.

But Trazey, since we're all about honesty and accountability here, did you really just come across her "browsing around" or did you go looking for her out of curiosity? No fudging if you're going to question her honesty.

(By the way, I totally would have gone looking for her. It's why I don't tell "real" people I'm here.)

I wouldn't say anything.

Annie

The fact is... we don't know with absolute certainty who is telling the truth on websites. I'm sure what your friend is doing is more common than we know.

Should you ask her about it? I don't know. I'm not you, and I'm not your friend. Think about what your reasons would be. If it's something that might come between you if you don't talk about it, then perhaps you should say something. But try not to be judgmental about it, I guess.

Jay

I would DEFINATELY say something... sometimes us fat people need a good 'ol SLAP IN THE FACE and to be like "Wake up FATTY!!! You're not fooling anyone, let alone yourself and your heart and your health! I found you on there--- is that what you do? Do you lie to yourself to feel better?"

I couldn't handle it. Either I'd say something or I would NEVER speak to her again about weight loss b/c she's a phony and a loser.

I know when I was 15-16, I went through a phase where I lied about my body. Of course I woke up one day and just realized that if people don't accept me as is, it doesn't matter. It is just the internet, after all. So I kinda understand where she is coming from. I believe I couldn't do what I've done so far unless I was in a much happier place than I was then.

On one hand it's kinda worrying that people are asking her for tips. I know no one is a doctor and we can't garantee accuracy. You can tell what is something that helps because in most suiccess stories there is the same bottom line. I just hope whatever she is telling those people that it's safe.

I'd not mention it. Just hope that she becomes more comfortable in her skin now before she'll actually work for it,

Really, really harsh. She's a loser because she feels so badly about herself that she lies to strangers?

I'd be careful about throwing around the word loser. There are a lot of people out there who think anybody who lets themselves get to 300 pounds is a loser. They'd be no more right about you than you are about this total stranger you're judging.

Yes, I think anyone who has to lie to people to make themselves feel better is a loser. Yep, I'm a loser and have no self control and let myself get as heavy as I did. You're right. I think the label loser definitely applies. So I use it as I see fit. But at least I'm a loser who owns up to my mistakes and doesn't try to make friends or online buddies based on a lie.

Well, I certainly wouldn't label myself a loser. :/

Well, I am a loser then, because worse than lying to other people, I lied to myself. That's how I got to over 300 lbs. I was in denial. I lied to myself about how bad things really were, how unhealthy I was, and what other people saw when they looked at me.

I am so very sad for this woman. It is incredibly, incredibly sad that she created this fantasy life. I can't imagine how low this woman must feel to do such a thing. I know I have felt bad about myself and done harmful things, like eating thousands of calories more than I needed, but I have not gone as far as her. But I cannot possibly stand in judgement of her because I have fought my own demons. Thank goodness there were people in my life who loved and supported me at any size and did not judge me for lying to myself.

----
Trazey, I would not say anything to her. What good what it do? She has to come to want change on her own. However, I would file this away to remember where she is right now in her life, and make sure that you have appropriate boundaries in any area that might intersect with her issues.

That's a really tough situation! :hug:
BUT, I also wouldn't say anything. It is plainly obvious that your friend feels absolutely terrible about herself. To call her out like that would most likely be incredibly painful!
EVERY time I've gained all my weight back, I have lied to myself on a daily basis...making myself believe that I was maintaining. I'd just stay off the scale, and I could KEEP the confidence I had gained from losing the weight in the first place.
She is fully aware of what she is doing and doesn't need anybody else beating up on her for it. She probably feels terrible!

I can't imagine doing that myself...because I'm an absolute open book, and I'm as honest as I can possibly be, both in real life, and here with you...my friends. But she may just feel SO alone, and SO much a failure..that she really needs to hear something positive about herself.

I wouldn't judge anyone, unless I knew what it was like to dislike myself THAT much!

Sending :hug: for you, Trazey...and :hug: for your friend too :)

Trazey, I've found myself in a similar situation for a few years now because I have an acquaintance in Real Life who has created an alternative personality on the Internet. It's not a diet and weight loss fantasy, but there certainly are parallels.

This person goes to my gym and is quite overweight. He's intimidated by weight lifting and spends all his gym time doing cardio. Yet he joined a bodybuilding web site and pretends that he works out just like the Big Boys. He spins elaborate (and totally false) tales of his expertise and achievements. He brags to me at the gym (when I can't avoid him!) about this site but doesn't realize that I went and checked up on him there and discovered his lies.

Sure, I could join that site as a member and "out" him in about three seconds. But I only feel pity for someone who's life is so sad that he has to lie about himself to feel accepted. He's so emotionally unstable that I'm afraid something terrible would happen if I confronted him. So I keep it to myself.

The bigger lesson for us all to learn is that a great deal of what we read on the Internet is not as it seems. We've even had similar situations here at 3FC in the past, believe it or not. We all need to develop a healthy sense of skepticism -- as with every else in the diet world, if it seems too good to be true, it usually is.

But for the record! My pictures and story are 100% true and Suzanne and Jennifer 3FC (among others) have actually meet me, so at least *I* really exist! :lol:

oh sorry! no i didn't mean it to sound like i found her completely by accident! I DID look for her - i searched my town, and it was easy to find - but I wasn't looking to "catch" her at anything, i didn't think there WAS anything to be caught if you get me LOL, i was going to send her a message and surprise her!

after thinking for a while, i decided to leave it alone, i don't want to embarass her and it's not like she's my closest friend or anything, just a pal. I'm going to ask her if she wants to join my walking club tho :) might help.

thanks for all the good advice guys!

I'm proud to call myself a loser! A loser of weight, that is!:D
Now, I'd better go and check if I'm real or not. I'll let you guys know!

Me, too! I'm gonna be a Big Loser!

I agree this seems a bit harsh. Not just the loser comment, but just the whole "attack" mode. It has been my experience that we don't start to become healthy because someone gave us a "a good 'ol SLAP IN THE FACE". I know that certainly wouldn't motivate me.

I also do not consider myself a loser.

Trazey - I think you have to decide a couple of things. First, how much does this friendship mean to you? If you did ask her about it, she might be so embarrassed that she may choose to stay away. 2nd is can you live with not saying anything? I am very staright forward and honest and I am not very good about just letting things go, so most of the time I will say something. I think it really depends on how good of a friend she is and how often you see her.

You can approach her in a way that isn't aggressive, but in a kind, wondering why you did that mode.

If nothing else you have learned what your friend is capable of. It always surprises me when I find out people lie. I am very naive in that manner. Or at least I used to be.

Wow, Trazey. I'm feeling really bad for your friend. :(

Maybe she's planning to join 3FC once she's ready to begin her weight loss journey, but just to test the waters (to make sure that people really are as supportive as you say) she had to give it a "trial run" on the other site? Either way, I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure she would be embarrassed about it, and that may cause her a setback in getting started on losing the weight. We'll be ready for her here, once she's ready to come around. :hug:

Holy moly,

I think it would be wise to NOT say anything at all.
An imposter among them, truly a SHOCKER! Well, not really, some people can and will do anything for whatever reason and seriously I am certain she is NOT the only one to falsify there storyline or pictures. Im sorry to say I've seen someone actually post somebody elses pictures, but they insisted it was them, can you believe that one? Yup, true story until somebody caught her in the act, she still denies it and the person who's pictures they actually were of, caught her using them on another forum. Now that is gutsy, so to all the picture posters, you really outta put writing all over your pictures so nobody can do the same to you, property of________.

And for the RECORD, I am the real deal, even if I am an EVIL WOMAN! ha ha ha

Ugh! I'm very sorry for your friend. This reminds me so much of the triplet connection (a website for families of triplets or more) and there are always imposters pretending to be pregnant with triplets or pretending to have triplets, usually by stealing other families photos off the web.

It's sad. But it is a statement of the online world. You just never really know.

Take care,
Ginger

Many people use the internet to live a fantasy life. Some do it in healthy ways, or at least more honest ways, like playing role playing games like WOW (World of Warcraft - fantasy game where people play fantasy characters - my hubby is hooked) or SIMS (a simulated neighborhood) where everyone knows (for the most part) that people are playing a role. Although even there, the boundaries can get blurry. My husband plays WOW and has characters of both genders, various races, and both "good" and "evil." His favorite character is a female "blood elf," and he is often being hit on by gamers who think he is "really" a woman. Some get quite upset when they find out he's not who he is pretending to be (and he points out there are no real "blood elfs" male or female, and that everyone in the game is pretending to be someone they're not).

It's hard to know if this woman is dishonest in "real" life. Likewise, wehter she is or is not someone who has difficulty separating fantasy from reality. Is it a harmless diversion, or a pathological condition? A lot depends on what she does with her "pretend" persona on line. Is she just accepting a bunch of unearned praise, or is she shelling out worthless or even dangerous advise? Is she profiting financially from it (like *******)?

It is important to remember that there are a lot of people online, even here who are not exactly who they claim to be. In fact, many people, if not most are different online than in person, without even realizing it. It makes some people braver. Some people more expressive or more social. In a sense it is all "virtual reality," which means "almost, but not quite" reality. For some people who are extremely private in "real" life, it may be "uber" reality, a chance to be more honest than they otherwise would, but the fact still is it's a "different" reality.

To quote the title character of House "people lie." The problem is that we often, perhaps even usually cannot tell when people do, especially when we do not have body language or facial expression as a clue. In an online environment, you have to at least consider the possibility that a person is not who they say they are, but the fact is that even in real life, it pays to be aware that it can happen. "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."

ok i might be evil but i would sign up on that website with a user name she cant recognise look at the properties of the pictures and try to find something that shows the dates and then point it out she wont know its you and you will get some satifaction.. you could even just say hey these photos dont look right you can clearly see you are younger it that photo you are a liar, see what happens.. hey give me the website ill do it for you lol..

She obviously has some mental problem if she cant be honest with herself.. I have had friends that lie and all it does is drag you down. if you confront them they turn it around on you .. its not worth it let her rot in her fat and stay on yoru own path.. i have no time for poeple who lie and decieve for attention.

im not actually a mean person but this stuff really get under my skin.. My sister lies constantly and has put my parents through 13 years of pain and heart ache.. i dont tolerate it at all

She's only hurting herself. It is hard to believe what some people will come up with.

For most of people, if not all, internet is the thing they lack the most. THE THING. It's magic! Fore some it is the BEAUTY they lost (or never had), for others is the YOUTH, or the LOVE.

For me is the social life I don't have. I'm in deep need to socialise. But in real life, I live in a forest and I don't even have a driving licence.:( I don't even have a friend to drink a coffee with...

What is it for you? For each of you?

Good point, Vek.

For me, the internet is CONFIDENCE. I wish i had it in real life, but I definitely don't.

I'm as honest here with you...as I am in my real life. Probably more so, in fact.

For me, it's about being able to be completely honest, without hurting the people in my "real life". I do hold back lots of the feelings I post here, because I know that seeing me hurt, will cause my IRL family/friends the pain of worrying about me.

I also find it amazingly helpful to be able to talk about relationship issues if I need to, because well....I don't want to fight, and don't feel that bringing up every little thing is good for my marriage. Nobody understands the relationship issues that being fat causes...like the people here! :yes:

There are people here, who I consider close friends...whether it's through the computer or not! The only reason we can't physically see each other is geographical, not because I have any kind of secrets. If I could meet up with some of you...I would do it in a heartbeat! I was SO happy to hear about Howie and Kimberly meeting up with Sarah and Lorraine....and was SO jealous I couldn't be there! There were some other meet up's too, I believe :)

So, yeah...you ladies know more about my deepest self than even my Hubby and my Mom, and my best friend, and my sister!

:hug:
Linda

For me - it's being able to talk endlessly about weight loss without boring the bejeebers out of my loved ones. :D

I do feel really bad for your friend. When it comes down to it she is really just cheating herself. Count me as one of the many people who lied to themselves for years. I was in denial and it only hurt me.

To answer your questions I don't think I would say anything. I would just continue to be supportive (which I know you are) and help her in way I can. It sounds like she really needs a friend like you around.

I know you responded already that you weren't going to say anything to her, but I just wanted to chime in on this thread.

I used to be a member of a pregnancy site when I was pregnant with my son (and after he was born), and you wouldn't believe the number of "fakes" we had there. There was one girl that had everyone believing that she was pregnant with twins, only to come back and claim that one of them died during delivery--all totally fake, as we later came to find out. But yeah, for over a year she had our hearts breaking for her, so we were quite upset to find out it was all a lie. Anyways.

The thing is, we never know what motivates these people, but I suspect it's a DEEP DESIRE for attention. It's sad that they feel they need to lie to get it, and I feel terrible for them.

As for your friend, I don't know if I would say anything or not. If she were a CLOSE friend, I most likely would. Just a casual friend...probably not.

Interesting thread. It really demonstrates how anonymous we can be on the internet. It also reminds me of the ******* (sp?) scandal, where the owner found pictures of Russian women in personal ads, and claimed them as her after pictures.

Trazey - I think you have made the right decision and including her in your walking group is a great idea. She has to be the one ready to make the changes in her life and calling her out is unlikely to motivate her and is more likely to cause more issues (which I would say she is already suffering enough). That said, if her "progress pics" motivate someone else, great; however, if she is giving out bad/unhealthy advice, I would recommend notifying a moderator on the site - not about her lying but about the advice.

Good luck!!

I've been on computer chats since the mid-80s, and this has been an issue periodically throughout. I think we all need to be careful, but it can and does happen everywhere.

Most likely she has her own issues she is dealing with, but I don't know that I agree that she's only hurting herself. Tammy mentioned the ******* scandal -- a woman who faked her weight loss and has convinced a lot of people to buy into her success. She made money by faking weight loss success on the internet.

I can forgive someone who fakes their identity in order to, perhaps, reclaim it. But, is your friend giving advice about her weight loss and success? It's one thing to have lived it and speak from experience, and another to merely imagine it. I would be very angry at someone who lied in such a way, even if they were hurting. That crosses a line.