Hey everyone!

Colleen, you're guessing at what the rest of the article is about. It's not about self-destruction of the woman who wrote it. She does find a way out of the pit. It may not be the way everyone would take, but everyone has his or her own way.

Back to the original topic--oh yeah!-- ;) Being obese/oveweight is a complex issue on every level. The OP asked "Shouldn't I be happier?" Clearly from that question there's an expectation that one will feel a certain way after losing weight--and that expectation isn't necessarily reality. It may take a long time for the mind and emotions to "get used" to being different physically, especially if someone was overweight her or his whole life.

I know now that I was more miserable when I was obese than I had realized. I knew that I was unhappy with my weight/body, but I didn't fully understand just how hard daily life had become, because my weight gain was gradual. Now that I have a comparison, I'm amazed. And that was a point the article author made--about the trials of daily life, culminating in her having fallen.

Jay

JayElle,

With all due respect, I am not at all guessing what the rest of the article was about. I just chose not to explore it. If I start to read a book and don't like it by the third chapter, I stop. Sometimes friends will say "it gets better toward the end." Why would I want to read a 20 chapter book that doesn't get better (or even fantastic) until Chapter 12?

rockinrobin,

I did not mean by my post that you didn't have the right to be miserable. Anyone, with any degree of difficulty in their life could lay claim to that right, and many do. My point was actually the opposite - that noone has to be miserable. You did make a choice and a brave one, but for me, and I believe many people like me, choosing not to be miserable came before, not after losing weight.

As to the question about my FIL, I can only tell you what he told me, when I asked him the very same question. His answer surprised me. He told me that his father was a minister, and he went to seminary with the plans of following in his father's footsteps, but life had other plans for him. He didn't want to leave Wisconsin, and at the time, there wasn't a need for Lutheran pastors in the state. He became a college English instructor instead. While he was still able to walk, but seeing where his health and abilities were headed, he began to notice how little handicapped access their was in colleges. He and those he recruited from the other instructors, literally built the colleges handicapped student outreach. He donated his time and money and found others who would also to financial and physical support of handicapped students in the form of scholarships, wheelchairs, grant money...
In doing so, he found that many of the handicapped students were adults, coming to college late in life to retrain for a job because of their handicap. Their skills weren't on par, with 18 year olds coming out of HS, so he founded and taught in the adult skills program to bring these students up to speed. Then he noticed that some of these students had reading problems so severe that they were functionally illiterate, so he fought to add literacy programs to the adult skills program.

Well, I'm beginning to realize I could write a book on the man, and I probably should, but I shouldn't do it here, so I'll stop. His short answer to his question, is that he told me he didn't think he would be happier, just more oblivious to the depths of human suffering. He definitely didn't think he would be more productive, as he said he wasn't sure he would have left any legacy other than his children, if he had not known suffering so deeply.

My point wasn't to offend anyone, or criticize their choices, just that Al's inspriation has shown me that his life was a testamant in many ways. I had assumed that he had days of self-pity and abject misery that he hid from us, if so, he hid them from his wife as well. MIL said after his passing that he had maybe 3 "bad" days in 17 years. 3 days! Heck sometimes I have more than 3 in a week - but I have to remind myself that that is my choice. Everything I put in my mouth, is my choice, but also every thought and emotion. It's a big responsibility, and I will never live up to Al's example, but I'm working on it.

I read the article. I agree that it's blasphemous for an overweight woman to allow herself to fall into a disrespectful romantic/sexual pattern with men, but this woman DID change her behavior and was brave enough to admit her faulty logic in a public arena. For that, she deserves some respect. It was an excellent article.

Back to the original post - Starrzy, my family is like that too. Not about weight loss (my sister isn't overweight), but about every other area of life. When my sister got her job, my mother went around singing praises about how great her daughter is. When I got a job much better than her, my mom didn't congratulate me or sing praises of my greatness to anyone. That hurt, significantly. I learned then that I have to do things to impress myself, and I have to seek rewards, praise and approval from myself and a more reliable support system.

I think the deal with your BF is pretty common. Losing weight changes the dynamic of every friendship/relationship. Talking to him about it would probably be really good. Let us know how it pans out, if you do!

You are doing a phenomenal job! 70 pounds gone is a huge accomplishment!

Starzzy, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel because I went through this myself except it was my Daddy who was always bragging about what my younger sister was doing... losing weight, etc. I won't go into details. You've had a lot of good advice here so I won't add to it except to say that you are doing a TERRIFIC job and you should be soooo proud of yourself. I finally learned that I am doing the things I do even weight loss for me and my health and because I want to. It sounds selfish, but I am doing this for me... NO ONE ELSE. Many times the people you want to be pleased with your accomplishments are those around you that you love, but that I have found that usually is not the case. So I just want to put my two cents in and say YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB AND YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK GIRL. But please don't let those around you "rain on your parade". I did and I am in my 60s still fighting this battle. You don't have to do that. All of us here are on your side.

Talk to those around you if you wish, but KEEP ON KEEPING ON!!! You'll be so glad you did. Have a great day.

Starzzy, losing 70 lbs is awesome & hard work, congrats to you! And don't apologize for venting!! Venting is better than eating, that's what we're here for.

As for your mom, maybe it's just the results from surgery are so much instantly more noticeable than the slow & steady kind of stuff we're doing? Or has she favored your sister over you in the past in other areas?

As for the linked article, the bottom of page 2-3 really seems to pertain to some of the issues raised by Starrzy's initial post, such as this part about how everyone notices her partners weight loss, but not hers:

and this one about weightloss & competitive feelings.

I've been as low as 120lbs and as high as 250lbs. I remember once at 170lbs (on my way up to 250) not having anything to wear because all my clothes were too tight and lying to my friends about being sick because I couldn't face going out in those clothes. While my self-loathing wasn't as extreme as the author's I can relate. And the vicious cycle self loathing can cause. The self-loathing makes it harder to take the necessary action until the right set of circumstances brings you around. For me it was seeing 250 on a scale during a dr.'s appt. And I can relate to her fear of exercising in public. I know it's irrational and I've overcome it. But when I first started hitting the gym, it was a company gym where I worked. I was working out near a tv & people were laughing. A Seinfeld rerun was playing and my first instinct was to think they're laughing at me. I had to reassure myself, that it was Seinfeld they were laughing at, not me. Yeah, ideally, we'd never self-loathe. But for those of us who have issues with self-loathing, the only way to get through them is to face them. And I think the author did a pretty good, honest job of doing that. I'm glad she was able to share it and I thank Soul Bliss for initially posting it & JayEll for posting it here.

Thank you for all of your kind and thoughtful responses! It has just been so frustrating, but I know that I need to focus on doing this for myself. It is nice just to vent once and awhile. I am mostly a "lurker" on this site, but I do not think that I would have gotten this far if I had not joined!

Starzzy, you have done a marvelous job with this weight loss journey! I understand about needing support and confirmation from your Mom. My Dad and I have a similar relationship. No matter how old I get (I'm 43) I still have that little girl inside who really wants his approval. Talking with your Mom might help, but it very well might not. If she is like my Dad, she will have absolutely no idea why you're upset and will think its all in your head and you have a problem. Regarding your BF, sometimes the men in our life just need reassurance from us that improving our health and getting slim does not mean we will love them any less. Maybe he just needs a little extra attention these days?

You are doing great...keep going! This is for you and you're worth it!

Regarding the discussion about being happy while fat....I absolutely hate being fat! Yes, I have a beautiful family, a beautiful home and wonderful friends and neighbors. But, being fat for me means loss of stamina, painful knees, not being able to wear the styles that I love, being treated differently by others (fat prejudice is still very politically correct!:() and feeling less than sexy for my hubby! No, I don't think being slender will make me magically happy all of the time....but, I do think it will make life at least a bit more enjoyable.