ugh i didn't get half way thru that article, women like that make me ill -- the ones that are fat so they let guys bang them on the side -- no F'ING way!!! I always had way too much pride and self-respect to let myself become some dude's receptacle! yuck! maybe it was a good article in the end but it didn't resonate with me at all. I think I was the last girl in the world to wear white and meant it at the wedding LOL ;)

As for the problem at hand, you've heard so much great advice I don't have much to offer except "hey, even skinny chicks have an off day!" You don't have to feel awesome over the top every minute of every day, that's not normal LOL. That day you didn't feel great, another day you WILL feel great. I guess in the long run, hopefully the awesome days will far outweigh (sorry for the pun) the bad :) keep on truckin' !!!!

PS MEG!!! as IF you're standing in one leg of your old pants :O omg!!!! what a money shot!

I was going to spout some more of the same stuff, but then I got to thinking about the boyfriend situation. Think about your relationship. Has it changed since you started losing weight? Are other men paying you more attention? Have you changed the way you treat him? Are you dropping subtle (or not so subtle) hints to him that he should be losing weight too?

I am just curious if he has a valid reason for being that way. I know a lot of men become really insecure when it appears that their lady is moving in a different direction but it is entirely possible that his fears are really rooted in some truth.

As for mom, wow I don't know.. Sounds to me like she is jealous that you are doing it on your own. This is going to sound totally rude to anyone who has had gastric bypass but most people think of the surgery as just taking the easy way out. Mom doesn't have to be jealous of your sister because your sister didn't really "do anything" she just got the surgery and is now losing weight. You, on the other hand, have really accomplished something by being disciplined and hard working. Your mom knows inside that she would need to work really hard to achieve what you have and that it might not be possible for her, so it's harder for her to be happy about it. She's probably worried about what her friends will think (wow, your daughters look great, why aren't you doing what they are doing).

I don't know what the relationship is between you and your mom otherwise, but maybe you just need to leave her out of your support circle for awhile. If you talk to her about something else and she brings up your sister's weight loss, "remember" suddenly that you have something very important to do. You have tons of support here, you don't need to try to get it from someone who isn't interested in giving it.

I think you have done a terrific job. You and all these others here are a great inspiration as I start this so thank YOU for being there and for the great job you have done!!

Trazey34, the rest of the article does have some good insights.

Jay

Like Trazey34, I didn't read the article to the end. I realize that many people equate being fat with being and feeling worthless. So much so that a fat woman who doesn't feel that way, is sometimes treated as the freak. It's so unproductive, at least for me, that I refuse to indulge in it, even vicariously, for a moment. It literally sickens me to here a woman say that she "cannot" go swimming until she reaches a certain size. To even imply that a fat woman doesn't have a right to physical exercise in a public place because she might offend someone with her fatness, offends me deeply. So the implication that fat should or even can make a person a doormat especially sexually, just is too far off my offense-o-meter to tolerate. I feel pity for the woman, but with her viewpoint, she is not someone I am willing to seek insights from.

Reading an article by someone who does not share my values doesn't mean I have to change my values. Gosh, I'd be in a real mess! I mean, I have never been that woman's size, have never done those things sexually, and have never avoided swimming, etc. but I still found it interesting to read what she had to say. It's just one woman's view.

Of course, everyone is free to read it or not! :)

Jay

This really struck a chord with me, nearly brought me tears with certain similarities in thinking. Thank you for posting it.

wicked post! can i steal it and say i wrote it??? heheheh :carrot: I'm definitely stealing the "offense-o-meter" hahaha I love that :D And as much as I always tolerate other's opinions, you nailed it on the head with the "not willing to seek insights from"

to each his/her own of course! thank goodness there's a million different views able to be expressed at all times!

This thread has been a little hijacked, but I couldn't help but replying.

I read the article as well, and was just as dismayed by Trazey and Colleen by the fact that the author allowed herself to be used as a sexual doormat (I wore white on my wedding day, too, Trazey!) and felt so intimidated about doing the physical exercise that would allow her to face the weight problem. But I do think that she had a lot of valuable things to say, so I am a little saddened that you considered her to be someone from whom you would not be willing to seek insight. I consider her to be incredibly brave. If her experience were my experience, I would find it very difficult to admit to it. Yet, I know that she is not the only one, and it struck me as courageous to be willing to be so naked in public in order to help others not feel so alone.

The ironic thing is, Colleen, that I so often agree with your viewpoint on the larger issue you bring up. I cringe whenever I hear the word "fat" paired with its almost inevitable companions: "and miserable," "and sad," "and depressed," etc. I refuse to believe that anyone is doomed to a life of misery if she is overweight, even if she stays overweight for the rest of her life. Yet, some of the people I admire most on 3FC talk about how miserable it made them to be overweight. Even though I disagree with the idea that the connection between fat and miserable is inevitable, I still find incredible inspiration and guidance in their insight. Why not so with this author?

So, there you go. My ugly little secret on full display. I find it impossible to stay off my soapbox.

LaurieDawn, yup, as you probably know I was one of those fat - and miserable people.

I did have some wonderful aspects to my life. My husband, my children, my family and friends, etc... But even wonderful experiences that I shared with those people, were greatly diminished by the fact that I was so overweight. It was always lurking in my brain. I couldn't escape from the fat. It was everywhere. In all my thoughts. For me, being fat DID go hand in hand with being sad, depressed and miserable.

Believe me, I am thrilled for anyone who could be as heavy as I was and still be a happy person. Thrilled. But that was not the case for me. I was worried ALL the time. I was horribly self conscious. I was embarassed. I was inactive. I was non-productive and non-energetic. Practically every part of every day was a nightmare. My quality of life was horrendous due directly to being overweight. I was not living to my full potential. And that is an absolute shame, a crime really.

I mean how could I not be miserable when I wasn't able to fit on rides in an amusement park? Or go horseback riding with my family? How could I not be miserable when I was worried to pieces about putting myself at added risks for sooo many deadly diseases? How could I not be miserable when I was forced to shop at a handful of overpriced, poor quality stores with a meager selection of clothing? How could I not be miserable when at a social event I wasn't able to stand for any length of time? Or walking up a flight of stairs was putting my life at risk? How could I not be miserable when I could barely fit into a booth at a restaurant? Or most normal sized chairs? And then what about the fear that I would break the chair if I was lucky enough to fit into it. How can anyone relax and be themselves when they are constantly worried about chairs? And dying? And leaving their children motherless? How? How could I not be miserable when I took up way more space then anyone else and was infringing on other peoples' space? How could I not be miserable by the fact that going clothes shopping with friends was out of the question? How? And I could of course go on and on. From where I stood, it did indeed, ummm, suck to be fat. And I was indeed - miserable.

LaurieDawn, I really appreciate how you can still take some insight from the author, though you don't necessarily agree with her. I always enjoy reading your posts - I find you quite - insightful. :)

I was just stating my position, not expecting to convert anyone. I've made a personal choice not to indulge in what I consider someone else's depravity. I won't be buying OJ's book either, even though the money is going to now go by court order to the Goldman family and not him.

This was actually a conscious decision on my part after reading the book "Diary of a Fat Housewife." The book made me feel filthy and disgusted with not just the author, but myself as well. It was one of the few books I've ever felt compelled to review on amazon.com. It just struch home how how depraved and counterproduct self-hatred is, especially when it's culturally supported. To me it's on par with reading the autobiography of a murderer, rapist, or child abuser who doesn't realize that they've done anything wrong. It just gives me the creeps.

Oh and Trazey34, I'm so flattered. Steal away. It's nice to know that although I may be a freak, I'll always have company.

Ok, sorry, but I have to add to my already overlong post, and mention that no matter how limited a life is, it doesn't have to be miserable. My dear father-in-law who just passed away 3 months ago was a case in point. He was not obese, but was in incredible pain and suffered so much for more than 1/3 of his life with MS, PAD, and kidney disease. If anyone had a right to be miserable, he certainly did. I don't know how I would deal with bed sores, finger tips rotting and falling off, a leg amputation, a failed kidney transplant, and daily dialysis. His love of God, family, and life (in that order) was such an inspiration to me in the short 5 years I knew him. He taught me that happiness is a choice no matter your circumstances.

Colleen - I so respect you and your opinion, and I wasn't trying to change it. I was just respectfully disagreeing with your decision to ignore what she might have to say because you disagreed with some of her choices. I am afraid that I continue to disagree with your characterization of her, actually, when you compare her to O.J. Simpson. I believe that the behavior she describes was self-punishing, but I have never met anyone who doesn't engage in self-punishing behavior to some degree. In fact, I know that some of my weight issues stem from my inclination to self-punish with foods that I know hurt my body. But there's a long distance from her behavior and O.J.'s "alleged" behavior. I just think that there's a lot of room in the discussion for someone who's so willing to be honest about the struggles that many of us face.

LaurieDawn, I do see your point, and I agree that there is a large step between self-harm and intentionally harming others, but I really do believe that it is on the same spectrum, and a much smaller step than most people assume. I firmly believe that if you have no respect for yourself, your ability to love and respect others is hampered. My decision on where to draw the line may seem arbitrary, but it really took a lot of thought.

I've certainly known people, some are even family members and close friends who are either in still in that pool of dispair, or have come out the other side (not undamaged). And I have even learned a thing or two from them, so I do not believe the woman has nothing valid to say. For that matter, when I was a probation officer, I can't say that I have no compassion for, or have gained no insights from even child abusers, and other "deviants." It's just not where I choose to dwell.

I am not going to turn a friend away, or feel I am superior in any way to anyone in this pit, but I will do my best to show them that there is a way out of it. And just as if it where a real, physical pit, I will step around it when I can.

A good part of my feelings on this subject may be due my nature. I am extremely and overly empathetic, to such an extreme that when I hear, see, or read another person's experiences I feel them as if they were my own. For the most part, I've learned not to hurt myself emotionally, and I just can't bear to watch others be self-destructive. I can't even watch a person being embarrassed on television without feeling so uncomfortable that I have to change the channel after only a few seconds. So consider it squeamishness, if you will, but reading a long, detailed description of self-destruction, is literally like watching violent porn to me. It feels filthy and wrong on such a deep level that I am deeply offended by it.

I know that I am extremely biased on the subject, and not only because of my overly sensitive emotions. Being morbidly obese most of my life, and having such a hard time losing and keeping weight off, if I bought into 10% of the negative beliefs and emotions that fat girls are expected and even encouraged to have, I would have committed suicide by my early teens. I just hate seeing anyone so close to that self-destructive state, especially when they feel that they do not deserve better.

Ya know Kaploids, I'm not sure if I had the "right" to be miserable as you put it, but nevertheless - I WAS. Is misery something we actually need to earn a right for? I wasn't sure that was the case.

I'm so sorry your FIL had such terrible issures he had to deal with. But can you honestly tell me he wouldn't have been a happier person if he didn't have to deal with those issues? Would he not had a better quality of life had he not had to have daily dialysis? Would he not have been MORE productive had he not had bed sores? Would he not have been HAPPIER not having those things happen to him? That's all I'm trying to say. I didn't walk around letting every know I was miserable. I put up a heck of a good front. People have even said it to me, after the fact and I had discussed just how unhappy I had been - they said to me, "I never had a clue that you were so unhappy."

Happiness is a choice - you're darn tootin' it is - being fat made me unhappy - and I finally decided not to be fat AND unhappy anymore. I don't mean to be rude here, but I can now say that I have been on both sides of the fence - being morbidly obese and being at a healthy weight - and without a doubt I am finding more happiness being at a healthy weight - is that so hard to comprehend? :shrug:

Yup, I'll get off my soapbox -for now.