[dek6]

I am so upset. I feel so alone and like a failure. I have all these people that love me for who I am so why cant I. I am so mean to my husband sometimes and he just loves me no matter what I say to him. I say mean things and take things out on him all the time. I dont know if I do it because I want him to hurt like I do or if it because I dont have another outlet for my anger so I use him cause I know that he will still be there or if I feel so bad about myself that I am trying to push him away becuase I dont know why he loves me. I hate who I am and I so desperately want to change who I am. I want to be a better wife and mother and woman. I want to love myself. I stay fat because I dont think that I deserve to be thin and healthy and happy. WHY?????? Why cant I make myself see what everyone else sees. If everyone loves me then why cant I. And why do they love me. OH GOD!!!!! I want to know why I am here. I feel like I am a waste of a life. Like I am wasting my life so he should have given my life to a soul that would make everyday fantastic. Why am I here and what is my purpose. How do I love myself.

[PinkHoodie]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. Feelings can be so consuming and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. I have felt the way you do, so many times. And even still feel it quite consistently! So you aren't alone. I think Woman in general are so hard on themselves, thinking they have to be perfect. The perfect mom, the perfect wife, and looking perfect. But, there is no such thing. Your hubby probably loves you, faults and all.
One thing I can suggest that helps me, is exercise. And for me its kickboxing. I always put the hardest thing in front of me and just bunch the heck out of it!! (Figuratively of course!)
Hugs to you, and I hope you feel better soon!

[freeqeegrl]

i think everyone has been to the same point , so your not alone. i've been through that too. focus on the positive things you are , and have, write a list. have your husband write a list of what he loves about you. and you write one of what you love about him. when you get angry and you want to take it out on your husband. try to pull those out and read them over and over until you relax and just want to hug him for being there through your hard times. we all love you too. it takes more time to love yourself, it takes work it just doesnt happen. god bless.

[balloonlady]

Is there someone you can talk to? I get this way too and I'm fortunate to have a friend I can turn to. We live in different states, so we can't talk face to face, but she's always on the other end of the line when I have feelings like this. No matter how mean and rotten I am being to my family or myself she understands and doesn't judge. And I do the same for her. It's nice just to have someone listen.

Exercise and meditation help me too. Sometimes I almost view them as 'punishment' for the way I've been acting. Giving myself a time out so to speak. Afterwards I always feel better and more in control though. I don't feel instantly great, happy and I don't turn into the giant butterfly of tranquility, still better is good. I know my family would agree.

[xJox]

(((HUGS))) I too am way too grouchy/hateful with my husband. I think alot of it is that he gets to go to work everyday and be around other people and Im stuck here at the house with the kids. Dont get me wrong. I love my hubby and my kids and I want to be home with them. I just miss adult conversation.

[FitinTime]

Hi Dek6,
I don't know what to say to you, but I totally feel for you. I have been heavy all my life too and just started doing something about it.
I know that my weight has made me unhappy to the point where I would say things to family members and hurt them or make them made.
My husband sounds like yours. When we were first married I would say and do things just to make him mad and he wouldn't even do or say anything to me. I realize I was being stupid.
Let me tell you what i figured out. I believe in God, and one day I realized that there is nothing I can do that will ever make my husband mad at me. And what I was shown was that God was using my husband to show me how much He loves me not matter what I did, no matter what I looked like or no matter what I'd say.
That's what I know and believe. So just remember that no matter what God loves you and you are of value to Him. When you hurt like this He wants to comfort you.
He has done that for me and I'm continually growing and learning this. So now I see myself as a woman of worth and you are too. Don't ever forget that. God gave you your husband to express the love He has for you.
YOu are blessed and that's His goodness.
So now I'm dieting and doing Atkins, it's helping me alot and I'm feeling really good. I see you have lost some weight, that's really fantastic.
Don't get down because you're progressing, you are work in progress, we all our.
You can do this, you really can!
Take Care!

[CLCSC145]

I think when we get angry with others for no reason, we're really angry at ourselves. When you view yourself as hate-worthy, you expect others to hate you too. And when they don't, you mighr try to provoke it to "prove" that you were right and you are worthy of hate. It sounds like you feel so badly about yourself that you are trying to get your husband to validate your feelings. And because he loves you, he won't.

You need to learn to love yourself. And that's coming from someone who doesn't, but is working very hard to learn to do it.

I'm not an expert, but it sounds like this is bigger than something you can deal with on your own. A mental health professional or someone like a clergyman, if you more comfortable with that, could be helpful. I reached out a few months ago after having many of the same feelings you expressed (feeling like life was wasted on me, feeling worthless, that I didn't deserve to be happy, etc.) and the black cloud of major depression has been lifted. Things are so much better now. I want to live and be happy and I no longer think my life is hopeless and worthless. Someday, I know if I keep working at it, I'll find the capacity to unconditionally love and respect myself. And you absolutely deserve the same.

Please take care of yourself! We're all here for you...

[dek6]

Thank you everyone. I know that it is going to take alot of work. I need to seriously take a look at my life and make some changes. Or Im going to wake up in 50 years and I am going to be overweight and still feel this way and think. I should have doen something about this when I had the chance. My kids deserve to have a good role model. I dont want my insecurities and self hatred to spill over onto them. I want my girls to grow up to be secure, loving, happy, self confident women. I want them to feel like they contribute something to this world and that they give something. I want them to know that they matter and that the world is a better place because they are here. And right now that is not going to happen if I dont model that life to them. I need to stop the cycle of self loathing here and now. It has to end with me. Someone once said that you have to start something even if you dont believe it and eventually it will become so routine that you start to believe it. So if I start to tell myself that I am wonderful and beautiful and worth it and the world is a better place because I am here, I may not believe it at first and It will be very hard, but eventually I will start to believe it the more I say it and hopefully before I know it I will believe it and I will automatically say it. Say some prayers for me please. I cant be afraid anymore.