So, I haven't been gone awhile on purpose but more like life got in my way in more ways than one. Basically, it suddenly had a run on BUSY that was insane. A week of VBS planning, a week of VBS, a week of the mission trip with YouthWorks to a very high poverty area of WV that I cannot get out of my mind. Now, after four weeks, I have not been to Curves, have been either lenient with my eating or at the mercy of someone else for my meals (YouthWorks...there was no way around that one) and my clothes are feeling tight again, though I've been afraid to get on the scale because I already feel depressed and don't want to see the actual damage I've done.
I've just been miserable since getting back from the mission field and seeing pictures of myself as everyone else sees me. It sickens me and makes me just want to hide away so the world doesn't have to be exposed to me. Over the last four weeks, I could definately feel the impact of not exercising on my body...my energy level is low, I'm having more frequent headaches, etc. I've started to look into WLS because I just can't bear to go through life like this anymore! This isnt' how I see myself and I just don't want to be this way forever.
I had lost about 25 pounds over the course of about five months but now even that feels so incredibly slow and the thought of starting all over again...I just don't know.
I guess I just needed to vent as I try to find my way again.
It is hard to stay on track when life gets hard. I had lost about 15 lbs, and was feeling a lot better about myself...when my mom went in the hospital. She was in ICU for 2 weeks, and in a regular room for 2 weeks. She had her arm amputated, and because she was unconscious for 2 weeks, I had to make all of her medical decisions for her. It was a very hard time, and I forgot all about myself. I wasn't eating right (it was usually McDonald's down the street so I could get right back), or exercising. I gained all of my weight back. When she was actually released from the hospital, I was doing so much commuting and working so many hours, I stopped eating, and lost half of it again. Long story short, I wasn't gaining or losing weight in a healthy way. BUT...once things settled down, I realized I HAD to get back on track. It sucked, having to start all over again. I was mad at myself for letting it happen. But I had two choices: I could throw my hands in the air and give up, keep eating bad food, not exercising, and die at the ripe old age of 25...... OR, I could suck it up and start over once again...for the 1,000,000,000th time. I hate starting over, back tracking, and having to do it again, but it's better than not trying at all. You can do this. You are in the right place to find support, and among so many that can relate in one way or another. Don't quit trying!
I have definitely felt everything you're feeling right now, Kimberly. It is painful to know what you need to do and yet not feel like you can do it. No one can turn the light on for you, but part of it is just deciding how you are going to live your life and then refusing to let anything, including yourself, get in your way. I know that surgery has helped many people, and who I am to say if it's a good idea or not, but remember that you will still have to make all of the same changes in your life that you would have to make without the surgery. You will still have to do the work of finding a replacement for the excess food in your life. You will still need to exercise. Why not make the effort with the help from the rest of us to do that without making permanent alterations to your plumbing? We're here to support you!!
So go right now and step on the scale and own up to it. And recommit now. By next Wednesday, you could be one week into this -- feeling back in control, feeling better for having exercised, feeling better for eating good foods, feeling once again like you can do this. Hang in there, I'm pulling for you!
Kimberly, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. Yes, I think most of us have been there at one time or another. Or 25 times or another or 100 times.... yeah, you get the picture. You are not alone. And you CAN turn this around. You most absolutely, positively CAN. You know how to get the ball rolling. Throwing out the junk, filling your home with healthy foods. Avoiding fast food. Planning out your day/week. Adding in some activity to your everyday life. Making YOU and your health a number one priority. Make the commitment to a healthier and happier existience. You deserve it. You can do it. It's just so very worth it. You're just so very worth it. We're here for you - whatever you need, whatever you decide.
I also can kind of understand where you are coming from. It is very hard to start again. Because you keep thinking, maybe I'm just supposed to be this big my whole life. But, you need to take control of your own destiny, and realize that YOU can change your life for the better. You can make your dreams come true, and that girl inside that you know is there, dying to get out, can be set free. Just take one decision at a time, and before you know it those decisions will add up to a day, then a week, then a month, then a year, and all those little choices you made will add up to getting closer to your goal.
I like what I heard on another board once. If you were going on a road trip across country, you wouldn't just drive through. You would take pitt stops, and you might even have to go back a little ways, to find out where you took a wrong turn. The same with weight loss.
Stay motivated, and see if anyone can help you with that. We will motivate you the best we can here. Good luck! And keep going!
I've just been miserable since getting back from the mission field and seeing pictures of myself as everyone else sees me. It sickens me and makes me just want to hide away so the world doesn't have to be exposed to me. again.[/B]
I know exactly what you mean when you say this, but you have to know that everyone doesn't see you like you are seeing yourself right now. You have done amazing work and have had a tremendous influence on the lives of others. I work in the nonprofit field behind the lines, and know how much impact one dedicated individual in the front lines can have. The world would not be a better place if you decided to hide away just because you struggle with weight.
In another thread (titled something like "do people think before they put their foot in their mouth?"), Laura mentioned that she had been saying far more hurtful things to herself than anyone else could have said. And how do you conquer all of the obstacles to weight loss if you believe those things? Just one day back on plan will help restore your confidence, then that one day can turn to two, then a week, and then, you will feel more in control of yourself and your weight, and - hopefully - those thoughts won't come as often. And when they do, well...that's why we're here.
Welcome back Kimberly! Vent away - that's one of the great things about this site and there's not anyone here that hasn't felt what you are feeling so we can all emphasize with you! Hopefully you'll follow Robin's advise and make yourself the number one priority.
Oh, Kimberly, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. We are our own worst critics, and we're never as kind to ourselves as we are to others.
Please don't worry about slow--it's not a race. Frankly, 25 lbs. in five months sounds incredible to me. The one thing I've learned in the last almost five years of trying to lose 100 lbs. is that it takes determination and commitment, which you know you have in other areas of your life. You CAN bring that into your weight loss journey. For me, it's been two steps forward and one step back--eventually you'll get where you're going.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm really struggling to find my footing again and have been for a few weeks now. Back at the beginning of June, I was feeling invincible. I was doing well and when I did Relay for Life for the first time, I walked between 5-6 miles that day around the track with high temps and humidity and still felt great. Then it all started downhill, the day hubby returned from a business trip to Canada with Cadbury chocolate for me...it's a terrible weakness and he brought a ton of it back. It started my demise. Then the VBS/mission trip weeks came into play and when I'm busy, I get stressed and when I get stressed, I don't eat right. I was struggling to stay on program but even if I won the battle during the day, that stupid chocolate beat me out at night (and there are still several bars downstairs in the fridge!).
I came back from the mission trip exhausted, both emotionally and physically and then started my period two days later, which just added to my being so tired. Plus, I banged up my knee on the trip and it is still sore but improving.
Everytime I fail, I started to consider WLS again, though the thought of it terrifies me. I know it is not an easy way out and it is certainly not the natural way out, but in moments like this, I just feel so stupid and so helpless to control this part of my life.
I have just always been this person inside who loves nature and is outgoing and who has these huge dreams and that person inside is not fat! I was feeling on top of the world two weeks ago as hubby and I realized a five year old dream of becoming boat owners. We were finally at a place to afford it and the first time we took it out, I was flying high in my element. Then my son shot pictures of me driving the boat and when I saw them, the fat girl driving that boat just looked completely out of place.
Maybe this doesn't make much sense. It's just that how I view myself internally doesn't jive with what I look like externally and everytime I fall off the wagon, I die just a little bit and wonder if I will ever make it.
Sorry to be such a downer..it's just where I am right now.
Kimberly, I've got to say this. Stress will always be part of our lives. Always. In some form or another. There is no way around it. To this day I still overeat when I am stressed. Though no where near (obviously) like I used to. I'm okay with a couple of baby carrots or a sliced cucumber or a handful of dry cereal. I actually pencil into my day about 200 calories of unplanned (well I guess actually planned) little nibbles, like those I just mentioned. Those 200 calories come in handy, so when stress hits I've got some leeway.
Now that I am fitter and healthier and feeling sooo much better about myself, I am much better equipped to deal with stress. Everything is better now and EASIER. So naturally dealing with stress is just that.
I find that when I am stressed and everything is out of control and all haywire - I get huge comfort from staying ON plan. I always thought that I was eating to comfort myself - but looking back I realize that that just led to feelings of failure and despair and disgust - and more weight gain. My weight for the most part is something that I actually DO have control over and staying on track DOES provide me with that comfort I was always looking for. It didn't happen right away, but it didn't take all that long either. When the end of a hectic day rolls around and it's another day that I've stayed the course - it's a huge source of joy and comfort to me. In the midst of all the nuttiness, it's a great feeling to know that I have made my health and myself a priority. If I am in a better frame of mind I am able to take care of my loved ones that much better. I just want you to think about that for awhile. Because this is something that I want you to experience as well - and you can. And you should.
Last edited by rockinrobin; 07-05-2007 at 12:29 AM.
I have also felt the same, like I wanted to hide, like I couldn't face starting again. Maybe it would help to start slowly and think about really taking care of yourself instead of focusing on the loss. Start walking because it will make you feel stronger. Put the chocloate down the garbage disposal and have a big, beautiful salad and a bowl of fresh, juicy fruit because it will feed your cells and leave you feeling healthier. Just focus on loving yourself and doing what your body needs to feel better instead of staring the pounds down right now. Once you're feeling more confident and stronger, you'll be ready to do battle, and you'll probably find that the nice things you've been doing for yourself will have paid off on the scale.
It sounds like you take care of others all the time. Think about you as YOU would see you. If you saw someone so sad, someone feeling so defeated, what would you do to help her? Wouldn't you give her a hug, help her to her feet? Don't do less than that for yourself. Give yourself a hug inside everytime you start beating yourself up, then do something healthy just for you, to help yourself get back on your feet. Treat yourself to a walk in the prettiest place you can find to feed your soul. Or find a delicious new recipe and cook yourself a beautiful, healthy meal, complete with wildflowers on the table. Give yourself the kindness and care you afford others!
I wish you the best!
Julie
Remember: You lost those 25 pounds. Even though you've had a set back, you know that you have both the knowledge and the ability to do what it takes to lose.
Here's what I've been saying to myself this most recent "starting over":
What's the alternative to starting over? Giving up? What's to like about that? All the depression, pain, and health risks that go along with being overweight? Nah. It's just not an option.
I'm glad you're back, Kimberly! I have been wondering about you! Even if you don't start anything else at this point, keep posting, you're going to get there. I know exactly how you're feeling!!! We're here to help you get through it.
I just wanted to echo Tricia. I missed you and your smiling avatar! We need you back here! You're a very giving person and that's a wonderful trait, but you also need to give back to yourself. You said that you can feel the effects of not exercising. Take that as the reason to get back on plan. If you don't lose weight very quickly (that would be me, too), that's ok because you still feel better. And even if it is slowly, you are still losing.
CC said to get back on the scale and own up to it. I agree. Maybe your dread is worse than the actual number. At any rate, it gives you a new starting point! Then, get going and the next time you weigh, you can see a loss. That will help improve your mood and attitude!
Stay with us! You already know there is a lot of support here. We have strength in numbers!
Welcome back, Kimberly! I understand how frustrating it is to start over again. We made our move to Georgia and the stress of selling one house, buying another, packing and moving seriously de-railed my weight loss efforts. I gained back 7 1/2 pounds. I also struggled with knowing I needed to get myself back on track, but not being able to find my way. I am now back on the journey...its still rocky at times, but I am trying.
Please don't give up on yourself. You can do this. There is no difference between us and our friends here at 3FC that have met their goals. If they can do it, we can too!
Back and miserably depressed
