I tend to make friends with girls my size, and I am always thrilled to have someone new to correspond with or have coffee with or just go for a walk with. So I make a new friend, K., she's 6'1 and is 380lbs- she is a big beautiful gal and proud to boot. We got along great- note the past tense? She heard through the grape vine that I am losing weight, and thrilled to be doing so. She was so offended at first that she would speak to me. Next, she called me a self-hating sizist! I stopped dead in my thoughts; find a new and healthier you is a beautiful think... why does she make it sound like such an ugly thing.
I got to talking with her partner of two years and learned that she is an anti-sizism fanatic. I totally agreed with what I heard at first: No one should be judged by appearances. Big woman have been celebrated through out history as earthly goddess. Plentiful is womanly. Big is beautiful... etc etc. She then went on to say that her partner K. also thinks that if you are fat, then that is the way you are meant to stay. The fatter the better. Each corpulent woman brings American society that much closer to excepting that bigger is better. To try and change it is anti-woman, anti-beautiful, and makes me a mindless drone who subscribes to mass-media brain washing.
While thinking it is ridiculous, I didn't want to offend K.. I want to be friends despite our big differences of opinion. At the next opportunity, she gave me the opportunity to explain myself: "K, I don't hate myself. I becoming healthier because I love myself. I'm beautiful either way." She was quick to say that bigger women are less likely to get sick, and that underweight woman and woman who are focus on their bodies are physically and mentally ill. It is hard not to start becoming annoyed, right? Well, I was becoming outraged. I told her being obese is unhealthy, and I don't want to die young! I want to climb mountains! I want to travel! ****! I have found my inner athlete and I am in love with her damn it! The argument when on and on, until she finally declared the conversation was over and that if I wanted to be "a sick clone, trying to wear bikinis, and so quick to jump on the "lets become anorexic" bandwagon then I may go right on ahead- but she wont support me in any self hating act."
I don't know where she gets her information, but it reminded me of a religious zealot- unable to see past the out-of-date religious text nailed to their head. Totally unable to hear anything outside of her personal opinion. I wonder if she equates her weight with her height- unchangeable? I don't know. Still, I would like to be friends... but I do not have a clue how I could over come or just sidestep this obstacle. If that's her opinion, great (not really..)! Can you be friends with such a large difference of opinion? I don't even know if I could speak with her without smacking her upside the head with a sheaf of medical facts. Am I being ridiculous?
Part of me thinks that she's probably threatened by smaller women and especially by larger women who want and are losing weight. She probably has a lot of insecurity about her weight even though she projects the image of being proud and happy of her size.
I am pretty sure I am going to be the odd man out on this.
I think the same way there are small people who can't imagine fat people being happy, there are fat people who can't image skinny people being happy. I think both groups have their self esteem tied up in their weight. I think all of my friends are at least 250lbs and we have watched alot of people at events we go to feel pressured to lose weight to fit into whatever mold is being pushed on them.
I don't think you ex-friend has self esteem issues in fact it takes alot to be comfortable in your own skin. I think she does have a problem with accepting the belief that someone isn't losing weight for the wrong reasons, or doing it in an unhealthy manner. I also don't think her thinking is all that different. I think being pretty active in the size acceptance community I have seen alot of people trying to lose weight for the wrong reason.
I also find people who are losing weight are like people who just got saved. They tend to want to convert others. I know I've been guilty of it, and it gets old real fast.
I really think it just comes down to acceptance. I think your ex-friend was out of line and if she can't respect you enough to either agree to disagree and value your friendship and let you live you life well then its time to keep it moving.
that IS really bizarre! who cares what size your friends are??? if my thin friends try to get in shape, i suppport them -- dumb friends make dumb mistakes, you support them -- any one of them want to make a life change? i'm right there! I think she's threatened maybe?
One thing I do agree with her on - the "mindless drone" component -- sitting around the lunchroom @ work, the chatter is NON STOP about weight watcher points, etc., from all the small women and it makes me ILL -- just get on with your LIFE and enjoy yourself, eat a bit less and walk some more! I doubt very much a bunch of dudes sitting around a table talk about the size of their thighs for heaven's sake!
Oh ... so much to say. It's hard to tell how much of her attitude is insecurity based, if any at all. I don't think she will necessarily attempt to sabotage your efforts, but it's clear that you two don't see eye to eye on this.
If this was a friend with whom you have a strong bond, I'd continue to befriend her and avoid the topic. Since you're new friends without much of a bond, it might just be easiest to go your separate ways with a friendly attitude.
I have a friend like this. She's at her top weight and is happy to be a "valkyrie". When I talk about exercise or my weight loss, she gets this "you should love yourself as you are" attitude. Yes, you CAN love yourself as you are and still make improvements. You can love yourself SO much that you want to, like you said, prolong and enhance your life.
Note: I am pro-size acceptance, because "size acceptance" means not only accepting fat people as well as thin, but accepting tall people as well as short. Being a tall female, no matter how thin or fat I am, I would like my size to be accepted ... I think any statistical outlier would agree.
You're not a self-hating sizist. You're a self-loving healthist.
I agree with cheryl totally!
I'm sorry to say, she isn't a good friend. A friend loves you for YOU, not the house you live in, the car you drive, the job you do or the weight you are or more importantly how you LOOK!
In 1999 I lost all my weight and felt wonderful, my true friends; heavy and thin supported me, a few people who were co-workers who I thought were friends did all they could to sabbotage, like bringing in the fave homemade cake. I even had a close relative who I thought would be more supportive make mmmmmm sounds as she was downing an ice cream sundae in front of me. Talk about juvinelle!
I think you are doing yourself a favor by ending this relationship, she sounds selfish to me. If my friend was losing, I'd be happy she was improving her health and doing her heart a favor.
good luck
I if she was sooo repulsed, itd easy to sense insecurity and denial. Sure, she couldve been slightly offended but the truth is, I wouldnt care about size if the health issue was never related to weight. Unfortunately, it is. Your friend will have a hard time getting life insurance and health insurance if she continues that whole shebang....
Basically, this all comes down to your interpretation of friendship. Whether the subject is weight, religion, politics, sexuality race, etc.......a true friend sees past the differences between you and them and they love you for who you truly are and appreciate your uniqueness. You have decided that losing weight and getting healthy are important to you. It is a shame that your "friend" has put her own values ahead of your own and has unfairly condemned you. IMHO... you're better off without her negativity in your life and I wouldnt waste anymore time on this relationship.
I was really interested to read your post. I have some sympathy with her - it is very lonely experience often to be in a world where everyone tells you how you 'should' be and you weigh 380lbs. It takes a lot to construct a positive identity in the face of constant challenges to that identity. It must have been great for her to have found an ally in you and maybe she feels a bit let down and abandoned by the one person who she thought might share her world view. However, surely as a person of that size she would realise the importance of judging people for their personal qualities rather than their size - you can't dismiss all thin people as mindless drones! Although I so know what she and Trazey are talking about - the stick women who whitter on about their weight have plagued me all of my life!! Maybe she's had such difficult experiences of prejudice and bullying that she simply can not consider anyone elses view any longer - I wouldn't take it personally. It's keeping her alone I feel for her.
But maybe she can understand that people change their view of their bodies and their health over time - I still believe that I/ other women can look great and be very health and active there's no need to be 'thin'. I would be very happy to maintain my weight now as I think I look fine and am so physically active I'd be happy if I maintained my fitness for the rest of my life. But my parents' deaths changed the complexion of things for me with regard to weight and I now want to be a 'normal' weight for health reasons rather than mindless drone reasons.
It is very threatening for people who don't want to or can't make changes to see others working on it. It does sound like she's told herself a lot of things that reassure her that she's doing the right thing and she clearly doesn't want anyone around her that might challenge that.
Before we met, my husband, David was engaged to a deaf woman, with three children under 13 (one deaf, and two going deaf). The relationship broke up, in large part, because he isn't deaf. Her deaf friends would even try to "set her up," with deaf men (mind you, they were engaged and living together at the time).
When the youngest (two at the time) started showing signs of hearing loss, David encouraged her to take him to doctors to see what could be done to salvage or restore his hearing, and he was suddendly Satan, himself, and soon found himself replaced with a deaf man. (Literally, when he was in Wisconsin visiting his great-grandmother after she broke a hip, he got a call from his fiancee telling him his belongings would be on the porch and he no longer had a home).
There are people in many "non-mainstream" communities who feel that anyone not on the inside, shouldn't be breathing the same air. Not a whole lot you can do about it.
Besides, having a "moderate," view on anything these days seems to be extremely unpopular. People accuse you of being indecisive or wimpy if your opinion isn't extreme to the point of insanity. Being morbidly obese for all, but seven years of my life (the first 5, and about 2 at around 16-19), I've definitely encountered both extreme opinions, and have always gotten alot of flack from both "sides" of the fat loving/hating spectrum, because my views have always been in the middle. I've chosen "not to diet," several times in my life (mostly when I've had "too much" going on in my life, when I was working two jobs and going to graduate school, for example), and have tried not to let my weight interfere with my life any more than it had to. Unfortunately there seems to be alot of people on both sides of the fence making that very difficult. Those that seem to feel that I have no right to a life unless or until I'm trying to lose wight, and others who feel I have no right to a life unless I'm not. I say "screw you," to either.
I agree with Cheryl completely. Just curious though how long have you 2 been friends for? Because if it wasn't for that long and you don't have a history together, I'm not really sure she IS your friend. If you're only of value to her when you're fat and eating unhealthy, what kind of friendship is that???
Write her a letter... (I do this when I need to stay calm when I'm explaining myself) tell her that you felt hurt and unsupported.
Wait for the response.
A friend should be supportive and loving. This is not marriage - this is a friendship. Friends don't always agree - but they are always loving.
What the... I'm a self-hating sizist? -RANT
