[Optical Goddess]

Man, I feel like I'm asking way to many questions..

I am not a confident person. I never have been. I notice that I hang so much of my self worth on my weight, like I'm not going to be who I am until I get to a certain weight.

I've been to therapy/counseling, to no avail...how does one become confident? At work, I know my stuff, I know what I"m doing, but I waver about decisions that affect other people. When I go out socially, it's rare that I can really sit back adn enjoy myself and just be me..

I have no idea what I'm asking. I used to think I was not confident because of my weight, but now I think I may be over weight because of not being confident, because when I worry or feel crappy about myself I eat...

I guess I'm just ranting and thinking out loud

[lucky]

Have you ever talked to people you know who seem to have all of the confidence in the world? I have. And I was quite surprised to find out that most of the confident people I spoke with were faking it a lot of the time. That isn't to say that there aren't naturally confident people in the world or that these people were being "fake" in the social sense of the word. Rather, they were just like me - second guessing themselves, dealing with bouts of low self esteem. But early on they figured out that there were benefits to projecting an air of confidence even when they weren't necesssrily feeling it on the inside.

I think what happens is that if you use this "fake it until you make it" mentality you begin to see that most of your decisions are sound, that most of the time people enjoy being around you, and you build REAL confidence as you go along. I am certain that our weights play into it as well. I know that I'm more confident since I've lost weight. But, looking back, my confidence was growing even before my weight loss was noticable. It felt great to make the right food choices and to exercise regualrly. Even if other people couldn't see the results yet I could FEEL them - and I was a more confident person having proved to myself that I could do something hard and uncomfortable if I put my mind to it.

[aerotigergirl]

Goddess--- I've seen a few different therapists in my day about this very issue. And one in particular gave me this piece of advice: Fake it til you make it. So, by pretending that you are calm and confident, you will make yourself moreso. Honestly, my problems with low self-esteem never went away entirely, but they did get better while I was trying to implement this philosophy. Just think of the most confident person you know, or think of how you know a confident person must feel, and then fake it for a while. After a few days, you'll start to naturally feel a bit more confident, which makes it easier to keep faking it, etc.

I'm actually one of those people that Lucky talked about. People meet me and seem to think that I've really got everything all together (seriously, just the other day a friend was telling me how she was totally intimidated by me because i have everything all together and I'm so confident)... It's so shocking to me that I exude that type of personality, because it really couldn't be further from the truth! But, it's a boost to my confidence when people say things like that, anyway!

One other thing that you might want to think about is where you're deriving your worth from. I have problems with this, too. For me, I feel like a good person because of the things I do. I'm good at school, and I do lots of nice things for people... those things make me feel like I'm a good person and like I'm worth something. BUT, the truth is, you're a good person because of who you are, not WHAT YOU DO. It's difficult to explain, I suppose.

When I was growing up, I felt like my parents loved me because of the things I did. I did well in school, I participated in lots of sports, I was basically a picture perfect child. (My parents were awesome, by the way... the best parents in the world, and I don't blame any of this on them...it's just sort of how I'm wired.) Somehow, I felt like I needed to do whatever I could to make my parents proud of me, or else maybe they wouldn't love me as much? Well, that idea really stuck with me without me even realizing it, and now, as an adult, I feel like my worth is still determined by my actions and my accomplishments. THE TRUTH IS, I'm valuable without doing anything at all. I'm a good person on the inside, even if i don't leave my own house! I'm worth decisions to eat better, I'm worth compliments, I'm worth listening to and looking at, etc. regardless of what nice things I've done today.

Long story, huh?

Basically, I'm just trying to illustrate that sometimes we get confused when it comes to our own worth. If you're deriving it from some external source, you might find that you won't really ever be enough... The best way I've found is to try to let your worth come from inside of you, that way it's not dependent upon any external factors, and therefore is more consistent.

Good luck to you! I know it's a really big struggle to fight your way back to getting that good image of yourself that you deserve. Think of it this way, maybe... it's your RIGHT to have a good self-image. Somewhere along the way, something/someone took it from you, but it's RIGHTFULLY yours. GET MAD! DEMAND IT BACK!!!

[annk]

So often, I feel like I put my life on hold because of my weight: "Oh, I'll take paragliding lessons when I'm thinner, I'll go out on Friday nights on a regular basis when I'm thinner, I'll flirt with that cute guy when I'm thinner . . ." This is no way to live my life! I have been pretty good at "faking it until I make it" and most people who know me are wowed by my confidence and friendliness but this still doesn't help with my innate feelings of inferiority. I'm constantly apologizing for things and just don't put myself out there the way I should.

I know there are many, many reasons for all of this and my somewhat tough-love shrink is helping me get to the bottom of it all. But until I have the BODY I want, I can at least try to have the LIFE I want. So, I finally signed up for rowing lessons (despite my irrational fear that I won't fit into the boat!) and am going to a free concert at the local record store tonight. Baby steps! I deserve to be happy and so do all of us!

Ann