I am a bit worried about loosing weight in terms of my friends. I have always had issues with eating in some form or other and a lot of my friends have lived through it all. I feel now that I have become the 'fat friend' and I play that role very well. Im just worried that when i do start to really show that im loosing weight my friends will get funny with me. I know that they say if your friends arnt nice when u lose weight then theyre not real friends but im worried i would rather keep them as friends and stay fat.
In particular one of my friends is very thin but has extremely low self esteem, she uses men to make her feel better, it works coz they never go for me - always her, which is fine with me, but if that was to change i think it would make her start to resent me.
Do any of you guys have this problem, or have been through it? Im looking a bit into the future right now but im trying to set myself up for success and this is definately something im worried about... Any ideas/advice/info would be much appreciated!
Beck!
I hope you don't mind me asking this, but if your friend would have such an issue with you losing weight then why are you so keen to stay friends with her?
Maybe you could find ways to subtly boost your friend's self esteem... that way when you lose weight she will feel more secure and it won't be an issue. Tell her how important the weight loss is to you, and to your health. Ask for her support and get her involved. That way she will feel like she is sharing in your success.
Location: Presently Germany though originally from Sydney, Australia.
Posts: 1
Hi Beck,
You said your friend has really low self-esteem. Could it be that in order for your friendship to mature that you both need to address the issues that are causing your pain? In your case the weight, you have said you would rather be fat than lose your friends but friends are never lost if they are there for the right reasons. Good friends want you to be happy and healthy and not resent them because you are giving up your dreams in order to keep them. In her case the low self-esteem. The irony of it all is that both things probably stem from the same place so neither of you will lose and can only win.
WHY would you WANT to stay friends with someone who would only be with you if they felt superior? Why would you want to stay in such a lopsided, negative relationship?
As hard as it is sometimes, it is important to put ourselves first. Right now, you have to consider your own feelings and your own need to be healthy. Your friend may follow you, you may be able to help each other along the way, or you may find that your relationship with this friend fizzles all together.
You have to realize though, that losing this weight, feeling healthier, gaining confidence, etc. is going to open a whole new world to you. You will start to get more attention and you'll make plenty of friends in the process. You will make friends with those you have inspired by your own positive changes. I'm not saying that the friendship you are concerned about is necessarily expendable but as you reach your goals and find yourself and your own path you are likely to find that you don't need the kind of people who would attempt to hold you back for fear of not maintaining the upperhand in the relationship. Friendship is give and take. Either this friend is willing to support you or she's not. Ask and find out. Re-evaluate the relationship as your goals progress. But certainly DO NOT let someone else keep you from improving your life.
Unfortunately yes, I have been on the losing end of friendships when I lost weight. This particular friend and I were roughly the same size but guys had always gone for her over me because she was more out there whereas I was much quieter.
Losing weight also helped me come out of my shell and as a consequence I'm now far more outgoing. This friend became threatened by me and turned nasty. I know she had her insecurities, everyone has them, and I used to spend a good part of myself in trying to help her with hers. But this really showed me where true friendship lies and it wasnt with someone who only wanted to use me as an emotional crutch she could keep in a box to bring out when she needed an ego massage.
I've pared down my friendships to a very few...losing weight turned out to be an effective way of culling the dead weights in your life out an keeping those that deserve to be there. It hurt...A LOT...but once it was done I just felt so much better.
Thanks for all your replies, I suppose that you are all right and if its going to be a problem then i shouldnt stick around. One of the reasons that it is hard is that we have been friends since birth, we are extremely close, shes a single mom to a 1.5 year old whos life I am a huge part of and I really feel that, despite my weight, I actually have more self esteem than her (this may not be true, it may just feel that way). I have friends from other things in my life who I know this wont be a problem for one little bit, she doesnt really have other friends. I spose i feel that i am helping her out and would feel like im abandoning her if I wasnt there for her.... does any of this make sense?
Maybe it is a little like Lyria said:
"I know she had her insecurities, everyone has them, and I used to spend a good part of myself in trying to help her with hers. But this really showed me where true friendship lies and it wasnt with someone who only wanted to use me as an emotional crutch she could keep in a box to bring out when she needed an ego massage. "
I spose 23 years of friendship and a lifetime of memories is something very difficult to give up....
I have to agree with the others. A friend who isn't happy for you and who doesn't support your success isn't worth having. Period.
I've gone through the same thing, recently, not related to weight however. I had a couple of "friends" (former college roommates) who very much took my friendship for granted and who seemed to always be trying to make themselves feel good at my expense. One was from modest means (but was always a social climber) who married into a very wealthy family. I was also from modest means but have worked very hard to advance my career and have had some success. I now make a comfortable (though by no means extravagant) living. I enjoy the finer things as much as the next person, but they're not my priority and I'm by no means defined by them, and if I do splurge on something on occasion, I don't feel the need to flaunt it.
Well, every time we got together this "friend" would spend her time telling me how much she had spent on this and that and how much their stock portfolio had dived when the market slumped and how much she'd spent shopping at the Armani boutique, etc. And she'd try her darndest to get me to tell her what my salary was or how much something I was wearing cost me, etc., all so she could feel superior to me because she was now so wealthy. I knew this stemmed from her own insecurities, but it didn't make it any less damaging to my psyche. And a friendship that shallow is really no friendship at all. I dreaded being around her because I knew what it would involve. I'd try my darndest to ignore her constant attempts to one-up me and the more I ignored it, the harder she'd try to get a reaction out of me. Time spent together could be tense. It certainly wasn't fun for either of us. So what was the point?
It took me years to get to the point where I could do it, but finally a couple years ago, I cut her off altogether. (she still sends me Christmas cards bragging about where in Europe they vacationed, blah blah etc., but I just toss them in the trash without a second thought) It was painful because we had shared a lot and I think it's in women's nature to bond and build strong relationships, but I gotta tell you it was the best thing I've ever done. I feel better about myself and happier and it's given me time to focus on friendships that are actually supportive and have meaning. I used to joke to some of my real friends that I already did a pretty good job of making myself feel bad, so I didn't need any help in that area. And it's true. I'd rather have one really good loyal caring friend (or no friends!) than a million false friends. In my opinion, there's nothing lonlier than being with someone that you know doesn't value or appreciate you.
So, definitely give your friends a chance, they may surprise you. But if things turn out the way you fear they will, cut 'em loose and don't look back. You may miss them from time to time (I still regret the lost friendships), but you'll be better off and you'll know it. And you'll feel a million times better about yourself for having done it.
I have lost some very good friends over the years, but as we get older, our priorities change. Up until now, you have had a good friendship with this girl and you've got close ties with her family. But you are changing, and you will need to accept that if people can't handle the changes in you, that they don't have a place in your life anymore. I'm hoping for your sake that she will be able to see that you losing weight will not change the friendship you have with each other, but if her being superior to you is the only reason she is attracted to you as a friend, then you definitely need to move on. I know it sucks, but in the long run, you have to look out for you, and not let others hold you back. I know this sounds corny, but you are only young, and will meet lots of others in your life who will love you for the positive influence you bring, not because they want to be better than you.
I've got a similar amount to lose as you, and I know that losing that much is hard enough in itself. You certainly don't need bad vibes from the very people you expect support from! Maybe you just need to pull back from her for a while and let her get used to the new you. Alternatively, you sit her down now, say "I need your support and care" and if she doens't like it, say goodbye. After some time apart, she might realise what's important.
Keeping Friends
