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Old 11-23-2004, 03:35 PM   #1
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Default Confidence vs Weight

hey there! I'm not sure I'm posting this in the right place but I figured out this one as the best.
Well I'm only 23 pounds overweight. Not much I know. But is the same extra weight I carried all my life. I've tried to focus on the reasons why I can't lose this weight and I've found some amazing conclusions.
I have a really low self-esteem. I don't really know why. I'm an average girl with an average face and body. My bf even said to me that I would have an awesome body if I did lose this weight (I really don't think so). I can't shop clothes, can't see myself in front of the mirror without being sad for days. The majority of my friends are really confidente girls, healthy with an ideal weight who really dress up everyday. Maybe that is the reason I feel so inferior around them. I've now realised that I keep this extra weight because maybe this is a valid reason for me to not worry about those things. Perhaps if I would be skinny I'll feel frustrated for not being capable of dressing "girly". I feel always inferior to other girls:it's all about my body, my face, my hair, my clothes. Sometimes I feel like a little monster inside myself. I would love to be more confident, to shop the clothes I loved without being so worried about others.
I'm ashamed of my body. I can't relate well around people because of this. It's hard for me to believe someone (bf) loves me so much and finds me attractive. I feel so bad when we are intimate, I feel like he deserved a hot girl instead of me. I don't even believe in myself enough to keep the weight off, it's like a permanent sabotage. I think I can't deal with myself when I lose this extra weight: I don't know how to deal with the possible extra attention, to dress better, to have no reason to hide my low self-esteem behind. What's wrong with me? I want to feel the best possible in my own skin, I want to feel confident in public and in private. Why I'm always bringing myself to the ground? I should love myself I should lose this extra weight and solve my problems of self-esteem. I'm so confused and sad with all of this because I've know realise the root of my problems.(And it was hard to deal with). Am I lonely or there's anybody out there in the same situation? It's really important to me that someone helped me seeing this issue on another perspective.
Thank you so much for reading my post

PS: I hope it made sense!
"Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are, if you only run for cover, IT'S JUST A WASTE OF TIME" by LIVE

height: 5'0
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Old 11-23-2004, 04:17 PM   #2
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yes it makes sense and i definitely understand, because i have felt that way in the past. here's the thing, though: losing the weight doesn't mean you are going to solve the problem with your self esteem. it took me awhile to figure it out, going from 175 to 130 and still feeling terrible about myself. i was always worrying about what people thought of me, assuming it was negative. as a result, i couldn't really talk to people and came off as snotty.

so, there wasn't anything left to do but figure out how to feel confident about myself without factoring in the weight issue. I still have bad days, self-confidence wise, all the time. I'm not perfect, but ultimately I have to see the good things in myself. because i really don't care AS MUCH what people think of me. i look at myself and say wow you're a hot mama and that's all that matters. it helps to have people around who love me.

i've also figured out that you can't lose the extra weight without loving yourself. I am working out and trying to get healthier (and yes, a hot bod) because I love myself. Hating yourself is counter productive. No I'm never going to be a skinny 5'10 with long legs, but I'm okay with that (..finally).

Why does your boyfriend love you, maat? Is it because you're hot or is it for something more - like being sweet, funny, caring, etc? These are the kinds of things that really matter. I'm sure it upsets him that you are down on yourself.

Anyway, who knows what this rambling mess is all about, but i do know how you are feeling because i have felt the same way.
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Old 11-23-2004, 04:37 PM   #3
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Oh sure, I've felt that way, and I still do most days, at least in certain situations. But, I agree with Megan -- the confidence and self-esteem thing is independent of the weight thing. There are plenty of overweight women (a lot more overweight than you) who have tons of self-esteem and self-love and confidence. And, believe it or not, attaining confidence will HELP lose weight -- it's a tool, not a result. I promise you that even if you got down to whatever you consider your ideal weight to be, your feelings won't change one bit if you don't WORK on the feelings as a separate issue.

One of the things that helped me start to think about losing weight (and I weighed well over 300 pounds at my heaviest) was when I started caring about my appearance aside from size. I decided I needed to take more of an interest in good clothes, looking neat, wearing makeup, doing something good with my hair, etc. Taking care of myself built my confidence. Now that I'm within 20 or so pounds of my goal (which is the TOP of the recommended range for my height), I habitually think of myself as lookin' pretty darn hot. But, that's not because I'm thinner (OK, it's PARTLY because I'm skinnier) but it has more to do with the fact that I'm a new person on the inside, and I take care of myself. I don't wear baggy clothes, I wear things that make this no-waist, pear-shape body look like it has a waist. I wear colors and cuts that flatter me.

In so many situations, I've given this advice and followed it myself: Fake it 'til you make it. OK, so you don't FEEL like a confident woman. That's OK. You still need to ACT like a confident woman. What do your friends do that radiate that confidence you envy? Copy that. Think about women like Queen Latifah, Cybill Shephard, or plus-size models like Emme and Kate Dillon. Walk tall, look people in the eye when you talk to them, act as though you have a right to exist in the world, because you do. Even if you don't lose one more single pound of weight and you stay this size the rest of your life, you can still be a life-of-the-party goddess. You just have to decide that's what you want to do.
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Old 11-23-2004, 09:57 PM   #4
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Hi Maat and all, Its very interesting your avatar pictures a baby. I'll tell you why in a moment.

Low self esteem is very widespread. I felt that way too about myself. Many of the people you will meet also feel bad about themselves, but hide it well. They hide behind being perfect all the time so no one will see the real them, or wearing the 'right' clothes, or driving the 'right' car, or even having the perfect body (not talking about having a healthy body here). They wear false fronts so no one will be able to see the flawed person hiding behind the mask. But what is really sad is that neither they, nor you nor me, are flawed at all. They just think they are.

When all of us were born, (here's the baby part) we arrived into this world wonderful, complete, good, innocent little beings. Look at your avatar now. No matter who it is, Is that baby flawed in any way? Of course not. When we were born, we were not flawed either and we all had great potential. So what happened for us to get from thay precious baby to where we erroneously came to believe we were less than everyone else? Sad fact is we were taught to believe this by insensitive or unknowing parents, teachers, preachers, neighbors, siblings, friends, even tv and the movies (ya gotta be a certain way to be loved, you make me sick, what will the neighbors think, bad girl, I wish you had never been born, why cant you do as good as your brother, etc.) who also were taught this when they grew up. And each little episode errodes self esteem further, till there is none left.

It is not a blame game, but an explanation. Even well-meaning parents make serious mistakes. Anytime we were abused, cursed at, had our basic needs ignored, even over protected, we subtlety got the message that somehow we didnt measure up. And that our very selves, including our needs, wants, and even our very own emotions - were unacceptable and needed to be changed. (Not true) So most of us have spent a life-time trying to figure out what others expect us to be, and putting that false face forward istead of who we really are - our authentic selves.

Its a long story, too long to go into here, but rest assured, while you or anyone else reading this may believe you are less than others or out of step with the rest of the world, that 'they' know the 'right way' and you dont, and that why should anyone love you, its simply just not true. YOu are just as sweet, good and valuable inside as you were the day you were born. Just just dont believe it yet. Look for it, its hard to see in the beginning, but its really there for each and everyone of us. You can indeed find lost self esteem.

The only way out is through.


Last edited by jansan; 11-23-2004 at 10:07 PM.
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Old 11-26-2004, 02:06 PM   #5
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Jansan, interesting point. Several years ago, I lost a lot of weight doing low carb. Remarried, (a cook) and had 3 kids in a year. The weight piled on. I have been having a horrible time with this. Last year, I had a hysterectomy, and lost 40 of the gained pounds. I did it the wrong way. Through diet pills and starvation. It worked, and I was numb to the long term outcome of this. Then I put the weight back plus some. Now I've lost about 40lbs, but for the first time in my life, NOT through starvation. The hard thing I'm finding is not the weightloss. (even though that can be trying too) But it is really, REALLY, dealing with my self image, and lack there of. Dealing with WHY I got to where I am. And dealing with myself as I get thin. It is so easy to be annonomous (sp?) with a fat shield. You can have a great personality, be beautiful with the weight on, and people will still like you. But that doesn't change what's going on, in the inside. At the same time, with the "fat shield" and a bad attitude, or self-hating attitude, the quicker we become anonomous. But when we are thin and beautiful, all eyes can be on us. SCARY!! It can feel like walking naked. And when you were told all your life that the way we were made isn't good enough, it is a hard one to face. Health takes a back seat. Self loathing becomes priority.

All of this, I'm sure you all know, but I'm just venting. For me, the weight issue is becoming secondary. That's a new concept for me! Dealing with how I am going to love myself, being vunerable while I am thin and healthy, is becoming a decent priority. It's easy to ignore the deep dark secrets about ourselves if we never really look. But the sooner we look at the "why's" the closer we are to healing.

Maat- I think all of us on this board, goal met, or goal not met, are facing and dealing with low self esteem. But that's also why there are boards like this available. I think you need to ask yourself what you are really hiding from. It may take years for you to discover this, or it may happen soon. Either way, weight is never really the issue. Weight is a symptom, not a cause.

As we all know, like any other addictions, and addiction is an addiction. We just all need to heal.

Ok, I'll get off my soapbox.

~Carrie:Mommy to 4 girls ages:7, 3 and identical twins are 2&1/2

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Old 11-26-2004, 05:31 PM   #6
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is there somewhere you can go for counseling?
i am 56, dealing with the break up of my 34 year old marriage, and have spent time talking to my counselor. i start with the feeling that i was not loveable and everything was my fault. i am now realizing that i was so good at taking care of everyone else, that i never took care of myself. but 9i do not think i would have seen that without counseling. check your phone book, there are many places that have sliding fees, depending on your income.
and counseling does not cause you to lose control, it gives you the skills to cope with and be in control of your life.......
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Old 11-28-2004, 09:10 AM   #7
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i've also figured out that you can't lose the extra weight without loving yourself.
That's exactly what I believe. I was on one diet after another. And I always gained every pound back that I lost plus some. The harder I tried to lose, the more I gained. It wasn't until I moved away from family, which was what led to my low self-esteem for me, and kept me down, that I began to come out of my slump. I started to change inwardly and then decided to lose the weight. And it's the first time that I've managed to do it and keep it off.

You need to figure out what's causing the self-esteem problems and work on it. I agree with Cheryl, counseling is good for you, even if you don't see an issue as major, it never hurts to seek the advice/help of a trained professional. Some insurance plans cover it or local clinics offer it based on income.

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