My hubby is well within "normal" weight range, but he could maybe stand to lose about 10-20 pounds without becoming too thin. (Doctors have told him he's "a little overweight," although he's not overweight on the BMI scale.)
His way of "dieting" is to skip breakfast and lunch. Then he eats a light dinner. He does this for 2-3 days. Then the next day or two he eats normally or even slightly excessively. Then he goes back to the 2-3 days of light eating. It's IFing, I guess. It works for him. It does NOT work for me.
I have to eat consistently. I just can't emotionally or mentally handle the ups/downs of that kind of eating.
But whenever he's on an "eating" day, he tries to get me to come along for the ride! He uses phrases like, "You deserve a treat." Or "I don't think you need to lose weight." Or "One meal won't make a difference."
I do not think it is intentional sabotage of my diet and weight. I believe that HE is simply ready to indulge/eat, and he wants me to join him for the companionship factor. We do almost everything except work together, and he sees our mealtimes as social/bonding.
I have tried to explain to him how I feel, but I'm not getting through. He'll respect my wishes sometimes, but often when I tell him I am just eating [insert on-plan meal here], he'll kind of pout and get depressed and say, "Ok, I'll eat that, too." But he's clearly not happy about it. And when I complain, he says, "But I was supportive! I'm eating what you're eating, aren't I?"
Any thoughts on how to handle it? How can I approach him in a way to get it really across to him?
I'm really not sure. I know that restriction has negative effects on people and that influences those around us. When he's restricting he's very focused. But when he's not restricting he seems affected negatively by your restriction. And vice versa. I also think dieting causes a disconnect in families because it requires a lot of autonomy so if you're both going to diet then you will have to sit down and talk about how to facilitate that. You can't be following separate diets and still try to share every eating experience because one or both will be constantly giving in. So really I would just tell him that you're on one path and he's on another and the two of you will have to eat separately if that's what it takes for you to stay on your plans.
If you read up on intermittent fasting it has it's place in weight loss and has been scientifically tested from a documentary I saw a couple of years back.
I think we're each to our own on what plan we follow and our relationship with food can be complex. Perhaps explaining to him - when he's not eating so much. That the days when he 'tempts you' are not helpful and you really need his support even though you're doing different ways of losing weight.
I hope you continue to do well and use your losses to motivate you not to 'treat' yourself, maybe a treat that isn't food based would be helpful?
Good luck as a yo-yo dieter myself I know the pitfalls and do understand where you're coming from.
I've been dieting for going on three years now. I still have to waste "treats" my SIL insists on bringing, and ignore my spouse and his never ending snacking.
Men, generally speaking have an easier time with weightloss, and IF works fantastically for most of them. So they tend to forget or just not realize that some of us need to be 100 percent focused all the time.
There's no answer easier than just saying no, unfortunately.
Tell him that if he wants to "treat" you that it better be unedible and shiny!
I think in an odd way he's just trying to share with you what works for him. The reality is that there is no such thing as one-size-fits-all diet or lifestyle change. Each person has to do what works for them. But there are other things you can both share in you weight loss journey such as activities and exercise. Go to the gym together, or hike/bike/run/ski/swim/etc together.
My husband is very fit and has never had to give a second thought to anything diet-related, so he doesn't understand that some of us do have to pay attention.
When he asks me to go out, I usually do, and I just order smartly and pay attention to my body. I may WANT all the chips, margaritas and fajitas if we go out for Mexican, but what I order is a salad with fajita chicken and skip the extras.
You can still go if you want to, you just have to make good choices. You can't hide your entire life.
I really recommend "Lean Habits" by Georgie Fear... its all about making a few lasting habits that can help in situations like that.
I think you need to eat separate meals. I would just discuss this with him.
You could still eat together, just not the same stuff.
I would not expect any of my family to eat my diet food and vice versa.
For a lot of people, this is not possible. A lot of wives on here cook for the whole family, for example, and would struggle to prepare two sets of meals. Nevertheless, I fail to see how a change in healthy eating can be sustainable unless a line is drawn with the past. The only exception might be having the rest of the family onboard with the new stuff to eat.
My husband loves to eat out and eat unhealthy. He also does most of the grocery shopping. He always gets what I put on the list but also adds giant bag(S)! Of various types of M&Ms & ice creams or my favorite candy bars he gets just for me. He does it because he's thinking of me and he's trying to be kind.
It wasn't easy to have that conversation. But I can't have all those foods in the house all the time. Like a normal candy bar once a week, fine, but 2 pounds of M&Ms every week, NO!! Haha.
So anyway, it is difficult, I understand, especially when you know he's coming from a good place. You need to talk to him again. I had to have a concrete conversation. And honestly, I have to have that conversation a lot. He slips when I let my guard down. We just need to talk and keep our needs in the open. He should understand, especially when you explain what it does to you. Think of other things you can do together, like we started up date night once a month, which is hard with our crazy schedules!
Thanks! The funny thing is, I actually do a form of IF, too. It's more of a 16/8 window, though, and I can't do giant refeed days. We have 3 kids (ages 7, 4, and 2) so that makes "family meals" even more of a challenge.
I appreciate the thoughts and advice! I may have to simply resign myself to having the "my needs are different" conversation with him on a regular basis.
There's a scene in the movie Payback where, to punish a recovered drug addict, they force drugs into her. She tries to fight them off because she knows that the one hit will be all she needs to fall back into her addiction. I told my husband once that that's how I feel when he gets pouty and says, "I want us to eat spaghetti together tonight." I feel like he's (emotionally) forcing "drugs" on me just like they did to Mel Gibson's ex-wife. After I told him that, he seemed to grasp it for a while.
My brother told me the doctor said the same thing to him. He isn't overweight on the BMI scale, but the doctor wanted him to lose about 20 lbs to be healthier. It can have to do with fat percentages, too.
As for others wanting you to eat what they eat when they eat it, I've never understood that. I mean, if you both agree and plan for it, sure. But otherwise it baffles me. If someone says no, it just means no. Others have expected that of me (boyfriends, relatives, friends), and it makes me a bit cranky. I don't expect them to eat what I eat when I eat it - that would be nuts (unless I do all the meal prep - then it makes a bit more sense). And I don't get the emotional attachment to it (though I realize most cultures have food and companionship very linked). At one family function my relatives followed me around and pushed food at me, so I took what they wanted me to and my healthy food, ate the healthy stuff and pitched the rest. But I can't do that daily. I don't want to.
One member on this site talks about how he and his wife eat very similarly on purpose to be healthy, and have done so for years. It's very inspiring, and it's something I think I'll need if I decide to get married. I do much worse when I have to fight temptation daily on all sides.
Maybe for your partner, don't try to explain it if he's just not getting it. Maybe just spell it out firmly - you are not going to eat the way he does, it doesn't work for you. Put your foot down in a nice but unwavering way. And then maybe add some other activity you guys can do together.
My DH is not healthy weight, he is about 100lbs over weight. On days he is not home (work) I do fine. Days he is here are a struggle, especially at night. Last night for example I was fine (I'm doing ww) and he went to the store specifically to get ice cream for himself and texted me while there about getting me ice cream (frozen yogurt) for me. It was not past of my points that day, and I absolutely could have said no, but I didn't. Then when he got home he offered me the other candy he bought, and I did say not to that.
I know I'm at fault for what I put in my mouth, but it is so hard to say no. It is absolutely like being an alcoholic and having him bring liquor into the house. I really struggle. I don't believe he does it to sabotage me, but he is a food addict and I have definitely seen a change in his attitude in the past whenever I am trying to lose the baby weight. Its like he lost his junkie buddy and he is noticeably bummed about it, though I have talked to him about it and he said that's not true and its all in my head, so I don't know...
He's a grown man and can eat what he wants, but I'm at the point that its caused a huge mountain of resentment for me towards him. I've brought it up but he gets so angry and nasty. I know if he and I did not live together I would be far more successful. I do not bring those foods into the house because I cannot control how much of them I eat. He is the only one that buys those foods.
I am more triggered by dieting and dysfunctional eating than by people who are not dieting. I can be around lots of unhealthy foods and feel fine, but the minute I'm around someone who talks about calories, fat, points, carbs, weight, or anything of the kind I immediately get very anxious. I've always been this way. I'm more triggered by emotions than I am by actions and when I sense fear and anxiety around food I start to get anxious and fearful as well and anxiety and fear are my biggest food triggers of all. Whenever someone tells me they're giving up gluten I immediately crave bread. Whenever someone tells me they've given up sugar I immediately crave cake. Whenever someone tells me they wouldn't touch junk food I reach for the chips. I'm reactive in that way.
It's always served me well because my husband is a normal eater, but lately he's being influenced by a friend of his who is a tremendous dieter. Now my husband is picking up some dieting habits, saying weird things about food and it's all triggering me to overeat. I really didn't expect this from him and now I understand how difficult it can be to overcome a spouse's eating habits.
I appreciate the thoughts and advice! I may have to simply resign myself to having the "my needs are different" conversation with him on a regular basis.
Having the conversation on a regular basis was my first thought.
I think that every couple communicates differently. Different situations can call for different approaches too.
Sometimes DH and I have to have the "big" talks about things. More often though, it's having those conversations you mention on a regular basis. After a while, it does sink in.
Like others here, we've both been working on changing our eating and have different approaches.
On the times that he "sacrifices" and eats what you're eating - I say let him! If it isn't what he wants, he's free to eat what he does want. You just won't be joining him in it.
My husband does that too. Sometimes I'll get the "just take a day off, it's the weekend!" I just explain to him that if I do that, it negates the whole week. And if I did that every weekend, well...I'd be 200+ lbs again. And neither of us wants that. (I was miserable='s he was miserable)
When we eat out, or have drinks I just make sure it fits into my calorie limit. It's not super difficult once you get the hang of it, and a lot of restaurants have low-cal portions on the menu. Or, if I really want that naughty meal I have no problem calorie cycling or IF to work it in. So you can work things into your calorie count or eating plan if you get creative about it. I've found that if I'm not super rigid all the time he doesn't get as pushy, and it works for both of us.
Well, as a guy, I think he needs to know the ground rules for you up front (remind him if you need to) so you won't get any of this fudging attitude from him later. Get him to look you in the eye, and tell him nicely but firmly that for as long as you're losing, you need him to support you in your efforts. And get him to agree to it. Then later on, if he renegs on what he said, remind him that he gave his word to support you. I don't think that'll happen more than once - if at all. He'll remember.
"Unintentional Sabotage" from a spouse?
(I was miserable='s he was miserable)
