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Old 04-13-2014, 11:36 PM   #1
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Unhappy Nasty comments from family

My parents are coming down to my house for Easter weekend. I haven't seen them since Christmas. In the past few months, my dad has made a major lifestyle change. He's started exercising, given up soda, and lost over 10 lbs. all of this is because he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He now weighs less than I do, and he's 73.

I'm anticipating that when he sees me this weekend that he is going to have something to say about my weight. When I was 30 lbs lighter, he would tell me that I looked terrible and was carrying too much weight. Well, now I'm close to 200 lbs.

The thing is, he's not wrong. I know how I look, and I don't need the reminder. Emotionally, I am just not in a place to deal with a major lifestyle change or his attempts at "helping." Uninviting them isn't an option. I need to figure out how to stop him from getting under my skin.
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Old 04-14-2014, 12:04 AM   #2
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The thing is, he's not wrong. I know how I look, and I don't need the reminder.
I don't know what your father is like but wouldn't this help? Just say that you don't want to hear it. You want to enjoy Easter and not have him make you feel bad. Or abruptly and angrily change the subject, like I used to do.
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Old 04-14-2014, 01:15 AM   #3
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I have a father who told both my sister & myself that we were fat & maybe we should starve ourselves...so yeah

I agree with Marniadec, I think the best option is to just be blunt & honest about it.

I don't think it is possible to deal with all the emotional stuff in this short amount of time. And even though we all want to be strong and not let stuff bother us, doing so is just not that simple. You can psych yourself up the best you can but I know for myself it would still upset me alot.

I would just try to say thanks for the advice, I am really happy for you but I just am not up to talking about this. Can we just focus on the holiday?

Will he make comments in front of others? If not then try not to be alone with him. If he does then make a mental list of things to change the subject about.

Other then that can you sneak off for some alone time often? lol You can check out favorite apps on your phone to make you smile or come here and vent if you need it. No matter what keep reminding yourself that you are on track and doing this for you and his opinions do not matter.
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:13 AM   #4
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"I know how I look, and I don't need the reminder. Emotionally, I am just not in a place to deal with a major lifestyle change or his attempts at "helping."

You said it. Tell him exactly that. You can also remind him that at one time, he wasn't ready, either. Maybe that will resonate with him.
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Old 04-14-2014, 07:22 AM   #5
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I think you have already let him under your skin. This fear of the future is the problem. Just let it go.

Often times what we anticipate never happens.

So you think this may happen but if he says something, just say something like, your nasty comments are not helping so please keep them to yourself. Or even leave the word nasty out if you can't say that. Or criticism does not help so please keep it to yourself.

And just let that whole bag of worries go. Cause worry is not helpful either.
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:51 AM   #6
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If he brings it up, simply say "It is not your place to comment on my body. That is my business, not yours or anyone else's. Now lets enjoy the holiday!"
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Old 04-14-2014, 10:54 AM   #7
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Tell him you know and tell him what steps you have taken lately to change it.
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Old 04-14-2014, 11:48 AM   #8
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I had a senile grandmother who liked to talk about my weight loudly at family gatherings. Once right before we started singing her happy birthday at a party of over 20 people! So yeah just ignore it and move on. What other people think and say is more of a reflection on them than anything else. Remember that reality for every person is just a rorschach inkblot.
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Old 04-14-2014, 11:56 AM   #9
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My mom has been like that for eons then she lost weight and got even thinner and it has been worse. Initially I tried to speak up for myself, lay down the line, etc but over time I realized no amount of me getting loud or flustered changed anything and the comments she made after I to,d her how I felt bothered me even more because I had spoken up and she kept on. Now I just don't respond and change the subject or just continue being silent and eventually she changes the subject. She still doesn't get it but it seems to leave me less affected than when I made a stink.
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Old 04-14-2014, 12:23 PM   #10
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I agree with Shannon. If you don't respond he will eventually give up talking or he will end up feeling foolish for standing around talking to himself. The silent treatment is very effective.
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Old 04-14-2014, 12:28 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sasha29 View Post
My parents are coming down to my house for Easter weekend. I haven't seen them since Christmas. In the past few months, my dad has made a major lifestyle change. He's started exercising, given up soda, and lost over 10 lbs. all of this is because he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He now weighs less than I do, and he's 73.

I'm anticipating that when he sees me this weekend that he is going to have something to say about my weight. When I was 30 lbs lighter, he would tell me that I looked terrible and was carrying too much weight. Well, now I'm close to 200 lbs.

The thing is, he's not wrong. I know how I look, and I don't need the reminder. Emotionally, I am just not in a place to deal with a major lifestyle change or his attempts at "helping." Uninviting them isn't an option. I need to figure out how to stop him from getting under my skin.

Sometime similar happens to me and my parents; I kindly but sternly tell them it's not their place to talk about my body, that I am aware of the weight situation, and that I will deal with it when I'm ready.

Good luck!
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Old 04-15-2014, 12:25 AM   #12
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Thank you so much for the advice! Honestly, it helps just to know that other people have to deal with similar comments.

Pattience, you're right that he has already gotten under my skin. It has been like this ever since I gained weight over 10 years ago. It doesn't help that my older sister lost over 100 pounds a few years ago. I feel like her weight loss is a thorn in my side sometimes - like my failure is that much more obvious.
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Old 04-15-2014, 02:04 AM   #13
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Sasha, i have a similar issue with my sister to your and yours. Mine was never overweight in her life though.

She is just super skinny, she is a fitness junkie. She is also a successful professional and has a good marriage. She's everything i'm not, though our personalities are quite similar. But i hate it when she's around from the point of view of our weight. She flaunts herself a bit until i told her her vanity was getting up my nose. lol.

But her vanity is something she gets from our mother so you know… she just needed the lesson in self-awareness.

But luckily she is not around that often as lives overseas.
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Old 04-15-2014, 07:02 AM   #14
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My dad was a total gym bunny before he got ill, used to rag on EVERYONE especially my poor mum. he poked me in the tummy once and told me i could do with a run so i poked him back and told him he could do with a few more runs himself!

My dad doesn't really talk about our weight normally its EVERYTHING else we do LOL but to be honest I've learnt to just nod my head and ignore it. Challenging him just led to arguments and made me upset so i just go with the flow now, with time it gets easier. i think parents feel they have a right to say stuff to you they would never say to anyone else I don't think my dads going to change! On the other hand since you are still working on it you may have something in common, you can discuss about how you are going about it and how he did it etc, you could divert his attention by focussing on him, i've found that when people start a lifestyle change they love talking about it (me included).
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