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Old 02-12-2014, 03:20 AM   #1
adbukovsky's Avatar
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Garfield, NJ
Posts: 16

S/C/G: 237/237/135

Height: 5'4

Default The highest I've ever been...

I haven't been on this forum since March of last year and I'm sad to say that after losing weight in August of 2012 and gaining it all back by May of 2013, I've done nothing to get back on track and I've actually gained 11 extra pounds from the initial weight I started at. I've NEVER been this high (I'm currently 237) and I can't seem to find the motivation to get my kitchen cleaned up so I can eat and cook correctly, nor can I find the motivation to even implement a structure of packing healthy cooked meals and exercising. I'm 25 and have always lacked structure in my life due to bad parenting and I know it's up to ME to learn the structure I never really had, but I feel that after 25 years of this, and 7 years of being overweight, I'm never going to put my words behind what I preach. I'm really depressed. I don't (and have really never) had a normal sleep schedule. The longest I tried waking up and going to sleep at a normal, healthy time was a week and a half. I don't know what to do anymore. I live a very chaotic life due to taking care of an alcoholic mother that is always causing turmoil and stress, and unfortunately I have to live with it for a few years while battling my own mental illnesses. I just wish I could learn how to balance taking care of myself and the curve balls that life throws at me.
Love yourself, no matter what.

A cheer for every 5 pounds lost!

(I gained 41 pounds back from falling of the band wagon back in the mid of October 2012. This is my new tracker. I don't have the heart to take down my old one as I'm so sad about it... )

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Old 02-12-2014, 07:41 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,607

S/C/G: 215/188/150

Height: 5'4"


It sounds like stress has really taken over your life. I hear a lot of self punishment in your post and I just want to say that I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself. You have the right intentions to take care of yourself but you punish yourself so much when you veer from the plan that of course it makes it really hard to keep going. If you had a teacher that slapped you in your face every time you mispelled a word do you think you'd be able to stand it for long before quitting? Don't over react to your slip ups.

I think you're right to address sleep. Insufficient sleep has to be a priority, it can be the root cause of your gaining weight because your body really needs adequate rest. It's very hard to battle food, weight loss, exercise and sleep all at the same time so I suggest focusing on sleep and putting yourself on a schedule. Allowing yourself to go to sleep whenever and wake up whenever set up a bad precedent for your entire day. Set a sleep schedule. Find a book to read, that always helps me go to sleep. Don't have caffeine after noon, and put yourself in the midset to go to bed at a decent hour, no later than 11pm. And set an alarm clock and get up. I know it's hard but if you can accomplish this regularly you'll feel a lot more in control.

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." - Geneen Roth
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Old 02-12-2014, 02:12 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 58

S/C/G: SW: 225/ CW:180.4/ GW: 165

Height: 5 9


maybe I can help you because I feel like you may be very similar to how I was (and still am in some ways) I am also 25 and have been over weight for 7 years (slowly climbing every year)I struggle with depression and I also lack some kind of structure in my life.

My breaking point was mid october when my nosey old neighbor told me I was gaining weight. I was so depressed! I tried to formulate a plan but inside I felt a voice telling me that it wasn't going to work and I felt defeated before I even started but then something cool happened....I got angry. I was sick of being overweight soooo sick of it, so sick of not reaching my potential in my mid 20s because i was insecure over my weight. I was so happy in other areas of my life after struggling for years from depression and substance abuse and I finally was where I wanted to be and the only thing i couldn't get under control was my weight. So I decided to start small and see how I felt so I restricted my carbs for 2 weeks to see If i could get all those good benifits I was reading about. I didn't think I would do it for too long because i didnt believe in myself to begin with but i kept pushing and saying to myself that I can not turn back. slowly I started enjoying the little things about my weight loss and not getting impatient and saying "I WANT TO BE THIN NOW" I enjoyed the ride, my skin was glowing, I had more energy, I wasn't as hungry. My world didn't revolve around food anymore. I was doing it without even thinking. I honestly had no idea I would have lasted this long and I do give myself leeway and i'm not as strict as when i started and I will eat a sweet potato or a chocolate (probably on valentines day ). I still go out and have a drink with my friends. But start small and you will gain momentum. I've never lost 25 pounds ever in my life and I can't believe I was that same person that started with all that doubt. You can flip your switch I promise, if i can do it you can
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Old 02-12-2014, 06:34 PM   #4
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Canada/UK
Posts: 186

S/C/G: 197 / 135 / 140

Height: 5'5''


I agree with Wannabeskinny. No more self blame!
I was on my highest ever weight before I came down to where I am now. Before that, I had stayed in the 170-185 range. Losing and then going right back up over and over again meanwhile dealing with OCD, an eating disorder and sleeping patterns worse than yours (which I still struggle with sometimes by the way).
I think maybe you need to have a little talk with yourself. What exactly do you want? What are the little things you can do to make yourself feel better?
Forget about the goals- those things will demotivate you just by thinking about them. I wasn't ready to lose weight until I got myself together. Maybe that could work for you too? For now, focus on fixing poor habits. Encouraging yourself to cook. Getting active. Sleeping better.
Once you're in a better shape mentally and physically, you are motivated and ready to go- that'll be the time to take the bull by its horns and lose the weight.
'Few people know so clearly what they want...'
My weight loss story

Last edited by imperialistic; 02-12-2014 at 07:15 PM.
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Old 02-12-2014, 07:33 PM   #5
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Tropical Australia
Posts: 1,270

S/C/G: 80.2kg/66kg/60kg x2.2 for lb

Height: 165cm/5' 4.5"


I agree with wannabe skinny. No more self blame and hatred but i also agree with skintoskin. this time i got angry with myself, disgusted actually and was able to use it to start a new diet. I do find self disgust with my weight is helpful. Anger is also a helpful emotion to use to change things.

Someone once told me that anger is a warning sign that somethings got to change.

Anyway, i've had lots of depression and sleep issues and structure issues too over my life.

You are in a difficult situation as you say with your mum. But you need to take care of you too. So find a counsellor or therapist and work with them week after week. They will give you support. And will help you change your life in profound ways. When i had therapy, i found it helpful to read a lot about it. I think that is why i got so much benefit from it. I could understand what was going on. I did ordinary old fashioned psychodynamic therapy, not CBT but if you have a good practitioner that should be at least as good.

Find someone you like and stick with them through thick and thin. Unless they really do something unprofessional. Reading books on therapy will helpful know where they are right or wrong.

About sleep and structure. Sounds like you might not have a job. So if you can't get one, or don't want one, at least become a volunteer somewhere. Just having to get up in the mornings will help enormously.

Quit using the computer from 9pm at night. The light in the computer does stuff to our body clocks apparently. Same with tv. Instead go to bed with a book. Set your alarm for a reasonable hour in the morning.

I have always found it hard to make a straight switch under my own motivation from being an all nighter to night time sleeper and usually go away where there is no tv or computer for a while. But if you try very hard, you could do it. Same if you have a volunteer job to go to. It will force you to change your habits. Try to stay away from using the computer especially until you are very settled into a new routine. And even then you have to be on guard.

Another option that may be open to you is starting a course or skills training in something. Most people rely on work to give their days structure. If you are doing something you enjoy, work can be great. I was never good at working in someone else's business but i am very happy and motivated in my own. I am currently just starting my own second business now. Its just a sewing clothing business. You can do something like that. Find something you ike to do, or think you'd like to do and develop your skills and start a business.

I don't really know if i could have done it at 25 but its worth a try. And there are people and resources out there to help you. Perhaps the hardest thing is getting a bit of money together but often you don't need much. So just start with building up some skills. working as a volunteer is a good way to do this too.

Look up a volunteer placement agency. Here we have the volunteer network. Or go down to your local community centre and ask about it.

What sort of things and subjects are you interested in? Do you have any hobbies? for example, i like art, movies, gardening, cooking, travelling, and care about the welfare of others. I also like meditation and self development. All of these things may provide some volunteer opportunity. It doesn't have to be about working in a smelly old secondhand clothing shop, although there are things to learn there too.

With regard to food, maybe the other things are more important to get going right first off but you can at least, start out by figuring out your current maintenance calories, food logging and trying to stick with the maintenance calories until you are a bit more stable and ready to start losing weight.
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