Absolutely! Not because she is morbidly obese but because she is a narcissist and did not love her children in the way she should have. I have several friends who struggle with weight issues and every one of them come from dysfunctional families of varying degrees. Even friends who would deny it and defend their mothers to the death, to an objective eye their mother's are narcissistic. I believe all addictions including food are the results of trying unsuccessfully to heal wounds caused in childhood. I am learning healthy ways to heal. This does not excuse dad's by the way. But as an expert in child development having worked with hundreds of families addiction tendencies are seen in children and often, not always, clearly connected to dysfunction in parenting.
However it is my responsibility as an adult to seek help, take advantage of it and stop the cycle. Sadly I see my sister screwing up her kids much as our mother did to us. But change is possible.
I feel sorry for my mom because her mother was dysfunctional but my mom as an adult, particularly with children, should have done something to change, she did not. Narcissits are very unlikely to seek change. I protect myself and cut out disease. Her being alone in her senior years is a consequence to her poor parenting.
Good question. I was never overweight as a kid, although as a teen I thought I was (at 5'7" 135 lbs..ugh!) and would routinely starve myself. I bordered on eating disorders I think, at one point my junior year I got to 115 lbs. My family seemed not to notice, and never said a word about me skipping meals. Everyone in my family is thin to average. I remember my mom and grandmother trying to gain weight often. I still think I'm the only overweight one in the family and have always felt uncomfortable because of it, especially when I actually moved into what it technically obese. My family didn't teach me good eating habits because it was a non-issue for them. As a kid, I could eat as much as I wanted and often had stuff like pancake eating contests with my cousins. I always won. I love food. No one in the family fat shames me or even notices, my grandpa used to say I was a curvy girl and should be happy Im not a stick. Anyway, I have a pretty dysfunctional family it a few ways, and something that has taught me is 1)it doesnt do any good to look back and 2)blame never helps. So I try to move forward and not be resentful that they didnt teach me to be healthy. I try to do better with my kids.
~Dori~
205/200/150
Day ONE of my #giveit100 challenge
For me, it's never been about "blaming" my parents, because they did the very best they could for me and my siblings. But, we are all, like it or not, products of our environment. Both of my parents were overweight, not huge, but overweight. My mother is very insecure and spent my childhood dodging cameras and talking about herself negatively. I remember as a kid, maybe I was 8 or 9, and I was Christmas shopping -- I bought my mom a diet book because she always spoke so poorly about herself and her weight. I'm sure it devastated her, but I had the best of intentions (as an 8 year old just wanting her mom to love herself).
Yeah, I'm sure my own insecurities and negative self-image came from her, and I'm sure some of my "who cares what I eat?" came from my dad. I'm a product of that.
Do I blame them? No. I take responsibility for who I am as an adult. We can all change, might be harder for some than others, but we all have that innate ability. That said, I wasn't overweight until I got to college and I was "free" to do whatever I wanted. Turns out what I wanted was to drown my emotions with food & drink. That's not my parents' fault...
Absolutely! Not because she is morbidly obese but because she is a narcissist and did not love her children in the way she should have. I have several friends who struggle with weight issues and every one of them come from dysfunctional families of varying degrees. Even friends who would deny it and defend their mothers to the death, to an objective eye their mother's are narcissistic. I believe all addictions including food are the results of trying unsuccessfully to heal wounds caused in childhood. I am learning healthy ways to heal. This does not excuse dad's by the way. But as an expert in child development having worked with hundreds of families addiction tendencies are seen in children and often, not always, clearly connected to dysfunction in parenting.
However it is my responsibility as an adult to seek help, take advantage of it and stop the cycle. Sadly I see my sister screwing up her kids much as our mother did to us. But change is possible.
I feel sorry for my mom because her mother was dysfunctional but my mom as an adult, particularly with children, should have done something to change, she did not. Narcissits are very unlikely to seek change. I protect myself and cut out disease. Her being alone in her senior years is a consequence to her poor parenting.
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister too. I think that my sister is a golden child who morphed into a narcissist herself if that is possible. Nightmare =/
My mother is a lifetime yo-yo dieter. I remember her doing Optifast when I was 10 years old. Weight Watchers was a frequent one, as well as Jenny Craig. Of course our parents lay the foundation for our choices and such, however in the end only we can be blamed for what we do and what we choose.
I would love to lay my poor choice in men, eating habits, and failures on someone else. It would free me from accountability. It would free me from guilt and sadness. However, I have learned I am in complete control of how I process, remember, and chose things. I am only a victim if I allow myself to be.
For me my faults are my own. Only I am to blame, therefore, only I can fix, repair, or change them. I am in control of my destiny. I create my good luck. I create my opportunities. Only once I realized this for myself have I become successful in several aspects of my life. Educationally, professionally, and in motherhood I have been very successful and no one gets credit for that except me. Not even my Mother, Father, teachers, or children are responsible for my success, nor failure. Only me.
For me, it's never been about "blaming" my parents, because they did the very best they could for me and my siblings. But, we are all, like it or not, products of our environment. Both of my parents were overweight, not huge, but overweight. My mother is very insecure and spent my childhood dodging cameras and talking about herself negatively. I remember as a kid, maybe I was 8 or 9, and I was Christmas shopping -- I bought my mom a diet book because she always spoke so poorly about herself and her weight. I'm sure it devastated her, but I had the best of intentions (as an 8 year old just wanting her mom to love herself).
Yeah, I'm sure my own insecurities and negative self-image came from her, and I'm sure some of my "who cares what I eat?" came from my dad. I'm a product of that.
Do I blame them? No. I take responsibility for who I am as an adult. We can all change, might be harder for some than others, but we all have that innate ability. That said, I wasn't overweight until I got to college and I was "free" to do whatever I wanted. Turns out what I wanted was to drown my emotions with food & drink. That's not my parents' fault...
I know ALL of my eating issues stem from my parents(something I've worked through with therapists). Neither of them has a very healthy relationship with food or body image. My mother is obese but didn't become so until she was 40 and hates people who are overweight or obese(even though she is herself). I think its so interesting to read everyone's experiences and find it fascinating how complex this is.
I know ALL of my eating issues stem from my parents(something I've worked through with therapists). Neither of them has a very healthy relationship with food or body image. My mother is obese but didn't become so until she was 40 and hates people who are overweight or obese(even though she is herself). I think its so interesting to read everyone's experiences and find it fascinating how complex this is.
I agree - very complex. I don't think that there is any one answer of how we should feel towards our parents and our eating, among other things because personally, I think it depends on the family. My own was plain ol' emotionally abusive and it involved a lot of things, including food.
My mom came from a family where 90% were over 300 lbs. She was the only thin one until her mid 30's when she gave up chain smoking and drinking. At her heaviest 250lbs 5'7 she is still trying everything to lose weight. She doesn't eat breakfast which I have told her is not good. I am now entering mid 30's and find myself my heaviest ever as well and I quit smoking and drinking 2 yrs ago- so talk about following in mothers footsteps. I haven't lived with her since I was 14 but I guess you can't change the genes.
I never thought I would be this size ever. But I won't blame anyone or let it deter me from trying to sort out my real reasons for eating. Binging. Also my Genes suffer from depression, ADHD anxiety and PMDD oh boy! so there are always things to be "getting through".
I will say my childhood was quite negelcted and abused and I do have to work through alot of that. But I Love my mom no matter the crazy Genes she transferred to me!
Growing up she never fed us fast food and so in that area I can't say she built my bad habits. But my stepdad would lock the fridge with an actual lock to control things and he also kept any snacks in his room. That brought me to find food scrounge and hide. I have forgiven him for a lot because it's best for me.
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister too. I think that my sister is a golden child who morphed into a narcissist herself if that is possible. Nightmare =/
Pixalllate, same here, although my mother was never officially diagnosed and she also has many Borderline Personality traits..but my brother who was absolutely the golden child, is almost the classic narcissist. ugh..
Pixalllate, same here, although my mother was never officially diagnosed and she also has many Borderline Personality traits..but my brother who was absolutely the golden child, is almost the classic narcissist. ugh..
I can relate to this. For years I was resentful of my younger sister as I and my other siblings perceived her as the favoured child. There were many reasons for this such as her receiving more compliments, financial aid and so forth. My therapist helped me see that my parents did not love any of us, my parents believed they did or do but they did not have the capacity to love us in the healthy way parents should providing all the healthy things children need. I learned that parents who are capable of loving cannot love one child more or one less, that would not be love. Rather sometimes parents give more to one child because they relate more to the one child perhaps the one child is more like them or the one child brings them more favour from society etc. I learned that the child who was perceived as favoured although not really loved becomes very angry and competitive. The so called favoured child thought they were favoured but are never satisfied because they were never favoured with love, so they feel void of love not having received true parental love yet they thought they were loved and so cannot understand why they feel this way. The favoured child thinks there must be more love for them and competes with the other siblings. Whenever siblings do not get along this is because their parents did not set them up for healthy supportive relationships. So bottom line my perceived favourite sister is very jealous, competitive and angry. She is also a narcissist. Narcissists tend not to seek therapy because of course nothing is their fault and they cannot see beyond themselves.
The really sick thing is my younger sister lives with our Mother and through their continued dysfunctional relationship my sister tries to get love where she cannot and so is angry. My two young nieces also live there and they will likely repeat this cycle, they are already show signs of doing so.
I thank the school of psychology that I found the wonderful therapist that I have.
Good thread.
I don't blame my parents, or anyone else, at all. I grew up normal weight, in a family with normal weight ranges. EVERY SINGLE CHILD got heavy when they moved out. Bad food, way less exercise (if any) and bad coping mechanisms for stress. Some of us lost it and got back to our healthy habits, others haven't.
I would be pretty darn upset if my kids blames me if they became overweight or obese as adults. We eat three meals a day, plus three snacks. But it is all natural, real food and not crap. I've known man, many friends who got used to eating large amounts of food in high school and college while playing competitive sports, and then kept up that eating long after they stopped playing.
Last edited by ChickieChicks; 01-10-2014 at 09:52 PM.
Reason: Edited o add that tn
I'm currently 16 and never lived with my mother, but with my father, who has never remarried and rarely dated.
My dad still eats like he's in college, and, as a child, those habits transferred to me. If I was hungry as a kid, it was frozen meals, fast food, or Spaghetti-o's.
I do, in part, blame him. But I take responsibility for my own food choices past the age of 12 or so, because I really came into control then and there's no sense in continuing to blame him.
He is morbidly obese and my mother was obese for a while but I recently heard that she dropped a lot of weight, though I haven't seen her in several years.
I am trying to get my dad to lose weight with me seeing as he has hypertension, smokes, and is extremely overweight, and he seems to like the idea, but putting it into practice is completely different for him.
It seems like he never grew out of being in college.
I blame him for my being overweight as a child and failing to teach me good habits, but I'm not angry with him nor do I think it's his responsibility any more. It's mine, and now I need to help him get his own eating habits back in order.
