I wouldn't say I'm bitter about it, in fact, I know how I have ignored men who I didn't find attractive.
What seems to bother me the most is friends and family. Both my husband and I have lost about 60# each. He gets compliments from everyone & no one notices me. I feel like they don't even see me as they gawk over him. Last night, my husbands BFF said "man, she's starting to look really good", I know this was meant as a compliment but it made me think "Jeeze, thanks for thinking I didn't look good before".
I think my issue is I don't get when/if someone is interested. Having been overweight/obese all my life, I'm so not used to someone being interested that I think I'm completely oblivious. I'm not totally lacking in self-esteem but I also have never thought "oooooh so-and-so wants me!" or whatever. And if by some chance, someone is blatantly obvious and beats me over the head with their interest and I found the whole thing sketchy, of all the suspect reasons I may come up with for their interest, my weight loss never really makes the list.
I wouldn't mind someone only wanting to date me now that I've lost weight as long as they weren't a jerk about it or about people struggling with weight. When I was heavier, I was scared to date because I didn't feel my self-esteem was in the right place that i wouldn't get taken advantage of, so I kept myself in the friend zone. Even now, I'm still learning my own worth and how it has nothing to do with weight or what any one else thinks but the point is that no, I'm not bothered that someone would want to date me now yet didn't when I was bigger as long as they are not bothered that the fact is I used to be bigger.
Agree with pretty much all of this. Often, I am not sure if someone is interested in me even though I am getting the "vibes". If a man is blatantly obvious in showing his interest, I don't know what to think b/c when I was young, boys used to tell me that I was attractive and they would ask me out, although they were being sarcastic. This happened daily, and to this day if a man shows interest, I question whether he is being sincere or not.
I have lost 100 pounds in the past (and gained much of it back, unfortunately). When I was smaller, I found I got a lot of attention from men who wouldn't give me the time of day before. At times, I found it uncomfortable, other times I didn't. As I gained much of it back, I've pretty much gone back to being invisible with men again. I sometimes wonder if I sabotaged myself b/c the attention was making me uncomfortable.
My problem was, I fell in love and became happy haha if that makes sense. When I’m happy I dont find the need to calorie count, ect. But sadly, I do not fit into my clothing anymore. Hence, why I wanna lose the weight.
I've always been heavy, and the only attention I've gotten in a long time has been ... odd. I went on a couple BBW/BHM dating sites, thinking that it would be easier to find someone who's interested in WHO I AM, rather than just ignore the fat girl. What I found was actually more of a turn off, men who have a 'fetishy' interest in big women. I guess I should love that a man was telling me how beautiful I am, but it just felt... weird and actually made me uncomfortable. I can't wait til I'm hot n thin, and have men noticing me! (if that ever happens.. HA!) But I wonder how I'll feel about it then... like you JERK! you wouldnt have paid any attention to me when I was heavy, do you really think you're worth my time now?! I dunno.... I guess I'll let y'all know when I get there!
Great thread BTW
I think my issue is I don't get when/if someone is interested. Having been overweight/obese all my life, I'm so not used to someone being interested that I think I'm completely oblivious. I'm not totally lacking in self-esteem but I also have never thought "oooooh so-and-so wants me!" or whatever. And if by some chance, someone is blatantly obvious and beats me over the head with their interest and I found the whole thing sketchy, of all the suspect reasons I may come up with for their interest, my weight loss never really makes the list.
I wouldn't mind someone only wanting to date me now that I've lost weight as long as they weren't a jerk about it or about people struggling with weight. When I was heavier, I was scared to date because I didn't feel my self-esteem was in the right place that i wouldn't get taken advantage of, so I kept myself in the friend zone. Even now, I'm still learning my own worth and how it has nothing to do with weight or what any one else thinks but the point is that no, I'm not bothered that someone would want to date me now yet didn't when I was bigger as long as they are not bothered that the fact is I used to be bigger.
Me too!! I'm always had male friends so any time that I meet a new guy I just think that I made a new friend. I don't really think that they might be interested in dating me. As a result I'm single. I'll get it right eventually
I've never been one to like attention. In fact, I find it rather annoying when someone is looking at me for longer than just a few seconds. Generally, it makes me feel violated, and I end up shooting a look at them to make them stop. Im a very friendly person despite this however, I find it inappropriate to be gawked at no matter what weight I am. I don't "enjoy" being hit on, stared at, whistled at, etc. It's degrading. I have always been raised to believe that while obviously, physical attraction comes first, someone should be in awe of you for who you are inside and not the outside. My current boyfriend was very subtle in approaching me and took weeks to do it. That's more respectful to me. Im not a piece of meat, Im a woman and want to be treated like one.
I have lost 100 pounds in the past (and gained much of it back, unfortunately). When I was smaller, I found I got a lot of attention from men who wouldn't give me the time of day before. At times, I found it uncomfortable, other times I didn't. As I gained much of it back, I've pretty much gone back to being invisible with men again. I sometimes wonder if I sabotaged myself b/c the attention was making me uncomfortable.
This has definitely been my experience. When I got to goal some years ago, the type of men that approached me were the type that had never been interested in me in the past. I felt so uncomfortable. I know this is something I have to get over. I mean, I could look at myself all day in the mirror and feel great...but the attention from men made me uncomfortable for some reason. I'm working on that though....because I refuse to wear extra weight because of glaring eyes.
Maybe that is one of the reasons I respect my husband so much. He met me near my highest weight and still found me attractive, didn't require me to change at all. And I still got some male attention even then, being morbidly obese. I was outgoing and fairly self confident, which helped, I think.
Is he more sexually attracted to me now that my shape is less androgynous (it got very apple shaped by the end, no waist curve and everything melted together) and more feminine, with normal dips and curves? Yes! And it is one reasons I've enjoyed losing weight. But the things that drew us together aren't affected by weight, not his or mine, and they remain important.
Even having dropped just short of 100 pounds before this pregnancy, while I may have gotten a fee more head turns I honestly haven't noticed much, because I think (as a happily married woman with a gaggle of small children) I project 'HANDS OFF!' pretty strongly. And yes, have noticed slightly more eye contact and friendly chatter in places like the grocery store, but not enough to bother me. I know it happens, but it hasn't yet made me annoyed enough to notice. My mother saw this too, when she lost her excess weight, and was a little miffed that she was somehow more of a person at 120 pounds than 170. But I'm a little duck-like in this, it just rolls off my back and I continue on my way.
I thought I was fine then, and I'm fine now. What other people think of it isn't particularly important
Interesting topic. I try really hard not to take things like this personally. There are plenty of people that I don't find attractive for various reasons so I'm not going to get bent out of shape if someone isn't attracted to me because of my weight. I wouldn't date someone who is super obese so I'm not going to be a hypocrite and get upset when someone doesn't want to date me.
I think that when I'm ready to start dating again, it will be easier to date people who didn't know me when I was bigger. I'll be honest about my weight loss but I'm not interested in getting together with anyone who knew me bigger and is only interested now that I've come down.
I will say that I don't think that I had any experiences of being treated badly as a big person. I'm not aware that anyone has been overtly rude to me. More than anything I felt completely invisible. Now people are always telling me how nice I look but I'm pretty sure that it's a combination of my attitude changing and my weight loss.
Last edited by ChickieBoom; 10-24-2012 at 02:13 PM.
My problem was, I fell in love and became happy haha if that makes sense. When I’m happy I don't find the need to calorie count, ect. But sadly, I do not fit into my clothing anymore. Hence, why I wanna lose the weight.
I was just a few lbs away from my goal when I met my BF. Between the dinner dates, ballpark food at games , late night I mean very late night ihop runs and bbq all summer long, I am back to where I started almost 2 years ago and the lucky #$^% did not gain a POUND! lol
As for dating after weight loss, I think we tend to notice that more men (or women) are attracted to us because after losing all that weight our confidence level is high in most cases and we carry ourselves differently and other people perceive that. Also we tend to have higher standards so as @Chikieboom said it is a combination between our new look and attitude that makes us more attractive.
Fortunately, I personally have not had any bad experience.
Lambiechop said it there, "Most people are visual people." This is very true, but should we treat others poorly just because they don't "appeal" to us? **** no! Slamming doors in your face, making fun of you and giving you horrible service when you are a PAYING CUSTOMER is complete bullsh*t. We are all human beings. What if we were all blue? What if sunburns made us permanently red with peeling skin forever?
I don't think true love or true friendship is defined by anything physical, whether it be weight, skin color, gender or age. Have you ever visited a nursing home? If you think I'm wrong, honey please, go visit one. Most of those people all look the same with wrinkly, old skin, balding hair, and they can't feed or toilet themselves.
Outer beauty doesn't last for anyone, therefor it is just an illusion caused by makeup, hairspray and good lighting. Anyone can be an a**hole or a convicted felon, it doesn't matter what they look like.
however, I find it inappropriate to be gawked at no matter what weight I am. I don't "enjoy" being hit on, stared at, whistled at, etc. It's degrading. I have always been raised to believe that while obviously, physical attraction comes first, someone should be in awe of you for who you are inside and not the outside. My current boyfriend was very subtle in approaching me and took weeks to do it. That's more respectful to me. Im not a piece of meat, Im a woman and want to be treated like one.
lol
