Photoshopping pictures of friends to make them look fatter and posting them on facebook is very worrying in itself. But it also makes me question what other things this person could possibly do further down the line.
It's a major red flag.
Last edited by IsabellaOlivia; 10-12-2012 at 01:19 PM.
I think your expectations for these women are unrealistic. Maybe they're rotten friends, or maybe they're great friends (just not on the topic of weight loss) who just aren't able to be the support you want them to be in this area.
Being fat doesn't automatically make you a great weight loss support system for every other fat person on the planet. Rachel and Nicole could probably write a similar post to yours, listing all the ways you aren't the best weight loss support for them (or support in some other area of life in which they feel they need you and you're not there for).
The photoshop thing though is a very large red flag that Nicole has some deeper issues going on (I'd suspect mental health issues and/or some very severe unresolved anger with you. This smacks of "revenge" for some real or imagined hurt you've done her - at least in her mind).
If Nicole has been a good friend in other ways, I would recommend kindly confronting her on the photo. If she denies it or refuses to talk about it, I would consider you think very carefully about whether or not to continue the friendship. If she's an amazing friend in other ways, you may choose to continue the friendship, but you'll have less stress and drama in your life if you refuse to look to these women as sources of potential support.
These women don't "owe" you support. Of course it would be great if we could all get and give perfect support for weight loss for anyone who needs it, but it ain't going to happen any time soon, because what one person finds supportive another finds destructive.
We're "taught" to be petty and jealous over weight loss. We're taught to envy other's success and to see "sabotage" everywhere. No matter what you do, or do not do it can be seen as sabotage, jealousy, selfishness... so that often the sources of support can't be from people who we are too close too.
My husband and I are both on weight loss journeys, but we've found that we're not able to be of much help to each other. We've found that the best way to support each other is to stay almost entirely out of each other's weight loss.
We've tried and continue to try to make some compromises, but many have failed. Right now we're experimenting with a new compromise, he's going to weekly TOPS (taking off pounds sensibly) meetings with me even though he doesn't really want to go, and I'm going to the gym more often with him (even though it means I have to take a book because I can't work out as long as he can).
Sometimes (in fact, I'd say often and perhaps even usually) the best support comes from people we don't know very well, because we don't tend to put unrealistic expectations onto strangers, and we're less likely to misconstrue attempts at support. We're more forgiving of stranger's giving imperfect support, but we expect friends and family to know us well enough to anticipate our needs and provide it perfectly.
Oh gee! I kind of skimmed so I totally missed the photoshop part. I seriously think you need to ex her out as a friend. Rachael may be a bit of a show off, and a little competitive, but that photoshop thing is down right creepy. To photoshop a friend to make them look worst? what does that accomplish? Chick is a hater and haters either want to see you down, or bring you down. There really is no way around it.
For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.
I dont know if you have a planet fitness in your area, but they offer free personal trainers at the gym and the memberships don’t cost an arm and a leg. They can tell you the RIGHT way to lose weight and prevent you from your “friends” filling your head full of negative ideas.
But I wouldn’t listen to what your friends have to say. People tend to get jealous when you try to better yourself, and it’s hard b/c it’s all new to you to. They could easily contort your views on what a healthy lifestyle it. That’s why I like these forums. What people do here is not only about losing weight, but working on mental and physical health as a way to better yourself. That’s what its all about.
Btw, I wouldn’t worry about your friend that lost 40pound and is showing it off. Once the attention goes away she’ll either learn to maintain the healthy weight or gain the weight back.
Last edited by beth sebring; 10-12-2012 at 12:52 PM.
Wow! I'm astonished by all the responses. I really do appreciate each and everyone of you taking the time to give me your opinions and thoughts on the matter. I really needed to write this post. (For me.) It helped me to really see how these girls are not my friends. But before I offer anything I else, I want to specifically touch upon just a few things -- and I won't be super long this time.
While it's true that only one half of the story is being shared, I still can't find any just cause to be so competitive and down right malicious with the desire to get healthy. I'm not trying to change these women, and I don't think that because they are overweight they are prime WL buddies. Instead, I naively assumed that our histories together would open them up to support. I don't think desiring support from someone you (once) considered your nearest and dearest is wrong. Rachel and I have been fading away for sometime now. People come in and out of your lives and I understand that. Painful as it may be - I understand that our time might be short lived.
As for Nicole, well the reason our friendship is so complicated is because I somehow love the girl. I'm a Godmother to her two children. However, I've recently opened by eyes to her treatment of me. The photoshopping is just the icing on the cake. For years I've had people lecture me on her bullying nature and I just brushed it off. But again I say, I'm not trying to change either one of them in the sense of FORCING them to be healthy with me. I would just like a little acknowledgement and encouragement from people that have been in my life 10 plus years. I may have worded things wrong, but I've just been so frustrated and I guess I had a moment of near clarification last night so I had word vomit. I thank you all for accepting it! lol
Finally, weightloss is a big deal and I am not making any kind of excuse to eat healthy when I made mention of my financial limitations. It's not required to go into extreme detail, but I really frown upon such a thought. Many people do conjure up constant excuses and imagined justifications to start eating right tomorrow and the next day and the next day. I have no food in my house, except for what I can come up with every couple of days through the means of borrowing money until we get back on our feet. Eating pizza constantly was my reality for quite a while. Though I'd kill for a salad, an unexpected death in my family knocked us for a loop, spiritually, emotionally, financially and physically. So, yeah I view weightloss as a big deal. It is a huge event when eating right is so important and next to impossible given the situation I found myself in. I have an old treadmill, countless work out DVDs -- and a fine abundance of water. But what about food? Contrary to popular belief resources are not readily available to everyone. Especially not in my area. So I make due. I have a few more tough weeks ahead of me, but work hours are growing and I'm making progress.
So, in conclusion... I now realize...these girls are not real friends. My problems far surpass last night's vent session. It took my long winded attempted/WL testimony for me to see it. I might be wrong in wanting a 'perfect' weight loss world. But I suppose I figured that buddying up (with Nicole) would just make sense. We live SO close to each other, and she's always professing her desire to lose weight. I watched some inspiring WL videos on youtube last night. I think I will go this alone --- and definitely do my best to become more active here. I really like this forum. I like the honesty and I appreciate the natural support.
We've all been there, right?
Thank you so so much! I'll just keep on keeping on -- do my thing and maybe share my little achievements here.
It's a lot easier said than done, but I figure 3FC can be my safe haven and escape. I don't have any local gyms ... I live in a very very small limited town I have hopes to relocate by early next year so we shall see.
I feel you on the expense of "healthy" food; I'm a stay at home mom while my husband is a student. We certainly can't afford to buy all organic fruits and veggies fresh daily, or do all of our grocery shopping at health food stores, but we can do small things that impact our health.
I don't know how limited your budget is, but these are some things I do:
* Eat SOMETHING fresh/raw each day (apples, bananas and grapes are pretty low cost)
* Keep a big bag of frozen veggies in the freezer (the bigger the bag the more cost effective this is - peas are a good, green, affordable veggie)
* When buying lettuce, don't buy the salad mixes in the bags, buy your own lettuce, whole, and cut/rip it up yourself (I get 3 heads of romaine lettuce, wash it, cut it, and keep it in a zipplock bag and it lasts me 4 times as long as the prepared bags).
Of course, if all you have available is pizza and mac'n'cheese, just use portion control. You can always control the amount of calories you're taking in even if you can't control WHAT you're taking in.
Good luck!
I don't discuss my fitness journey w/ people and save it for here. Truthfully most people find it annoying, feel inferior, or simply don't care so I don't bother. I'll pat myself on the back when all is said and done.
@ Missy Krissy: Right now my budget is extremely limited! Eating the way I want to is expensive. I know the little things count, but last winter I felt so amazing because I was pretty much eating everything organic. That kind of diet is what made me happy and it worked for me. I'm fine with tweaking things here and there, but let me tell ya babe -- I have none of the aforementioned foods on hand. I didn't express my financial situation to earn sympathy or pity. But times really have been tight. An oh woe is me post of explanation isn't worth anyone's time. lol Hopefully things pan out, I'm a huge fan of healthy cooking and baking. I discovered this early last year... I have some awesome meals I'm just aching to make! Things are on the up and up. That's why I'm preparing for my chance to kick back into gear. XD
@Novangel: You put it best! So I'm really going to try my best to tough it out and become active here.
As a guy I probably have different feelings than the rest of the group here.
To be blunt I'm just hearing a lot of excuses of why you can't. So long as you think you can't you can't. It is that simple.
You need to take action and not worry about others.
You don't have to eat "healthy" you just need to eat less calories.
The longest journey starts with a single step. You've taken the first one. Keep taking them.
Seeing my reality as an excuse is fine by me when you don't have all the details. Some days we have no food in my house. Medical bills piled up, and the money we bring in is too much to be awarded any government assistance. Last week my sister, Mother and I -- lived off of little Debbies and PB & Js. It really is a lot easier said than done when you suggest to eat less calories. If you only have junk to eat (even in limitations) you aren't going to feel good. It weighs you down and makes you sick because your body wants something more than a handful of muffins or stale pizza.
I welcome all opinions, and I appreciate all responses. But I'm not making any excuses to NOT eat right (calorie control) when I don't have any food on hand half the time to eat at all. That has been my reality - not my excuse.
But you're right! I'm here and that's a step in the right direction for me in terms of finding support. XD
Seeing my reality as an excuse is fine by me when you don't have all the details.
You didn't get fat because of a lack of money.
You didn't get fat because of unsupportive friends.
You didn't get fat because of [insert reason here].
You don't have to stay fat because of a lack of money.
You don't have to stay fat because of unsupportive friends.
You don't have to stay fat because of [insert reason here].
As long as you're just a victim of your circumstances you're going to fail. I'm not saying it is easy I'm just saying that you're making excuses right now.
this sort of reminds me of when i quit smoking last year (unfortunately it only took for about 4 months). all my smoker friends seemed irritated that i was quitting. whenever i said something about wanting a cigarette only a couple of them would try to talk me out of it, the others would say, here! have one!
a little competition can be healthy. my sister and i have always been a little competitive with weight loss. if shes losing, it inspires me to get back on the wagon and try to outdo her. my best friend got on board with me this round as well and im also trying to do better than her, lol. we're not sabotaging each other or saying nasty things though. its not mean spirited, its just a little healthy competition (literally!).
the photoshop thing seems a bit over the top... but im not going say they arent your friends. if you're godparents to their kids and such, theres obviously a deep friendship there. sounds like your friend nicole has some serious self esteem issues. the other one just sounds a little braggy and like shes getting TOO competitive.
i wouldnt come down too hard on them. sometimes folks just dont like seeing someone else do something they wish they could do.
JohnP as ive noticed on this board, does have a very *male* way of going about things that can come off very harsh. i dont think he was trying to attack you in any way, but men just say things differently than women.
i agree with the spirit of his post that you can ALWAYS do something. my financial situation is also bad right now. if you're to a point where some days you cant eat at all then you should really be looking for food pantries and whatnot. i understand its REALLY hard to be picky on a very tight budget but theres always some choices. while a pizza might be easier, with a little work and imagination there are healthy options out there for the same price.
learning how to use spices will REALLY save you some money.
my dinner tonight =
chicken tenderloins from aldis slow cooked = $3 for 1.5 lbs
rice = about 35 cents/serving
2 onions = about 79 cents each
this meal will easily feed me and my boyfriend for about $5.50.
Last edited by juliastl27; 10-12-2012 at 06:14 PM.
You didn't get fat because of unsupportive friends.
You didn't get fat because of [insert reason here].
You don't have to stay fat because of a lack of money.
You don't have to stay fat because of unsupportive friends.
You don't have to stay fat because of [insert reason here].
As long as you're just a victim of your circumstances you're going to fail. I'm not saying it is easy I'm just saying that you're making excuses right now.
Google "the twinkie diet".
How my desire to vent about competitive friends turned into me making excuses is a wonder. I'm not victimizing myself. Considering you don't know my history (medically speaking), I'd like to remind you that counting calories doesn't always do the trick for everyone. My body needs more than what I currently have to give it. In your eyes that's an excuse, but in my Doctor's opinion that's a fact. As such, I'd say you are over simplifying things. There are times in our lives John that life really isn't 'that' simple no matter how badly we wish it to be. I haven't divulged any focus on my weight that centers on blame of anyone else. You have imagined that. The premise of my original post was how to gauge these two women that seem so quick to start a near rivalry whenever I publicize my weight loss goals and desires. I also never mentioned any sort of intent or desire to stay over weight, "fat" because of my financial situation, friends or any other absurd reason you are keen to elude to.
Better still I stumbled upon supportive words that you offered in another thread that actually ring true to my intent.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnP
You maintain it one day at a time and you PLAN AHEAD so you don't find yourself starving and in the drive through of Sonic.
While the nature of this particular response was offered to someone asking for advice on maintaining momentum, I can still use it - and I will. I'm doing what I can RIGHT now to ensure that I will be okay when I'm back on track, but until then I can't go out with a bang. So I am planning, and as you know having a plan is not a bad thing. (You even encourage it to another.) Firing a post at me that is over loaded with imagined "excuses" sure does seem unduly critical, when you understand the wonders of planning ahead. So yeah, life isn't always peaches n'cream. My weight fluctuates and yo-yos like most people. I enjoy eating healthy, primarily organic and soy. I'd say you missed the point of my post, and chose instead to advise me on a method that works for you. Opinions are welcome, but I disagree with yours. As you said earlier maybe your thoughts are different because you're a guy. But I stand firm in my belief that you've missed the point entirely, and instead want to throw out some intended words of wisdom. Do or do not there is no try. Wanting a plan isn't wrong. Wanting to be able to eat proper meals isn't wrong. Take them for excuses as you will, but we're two different people. So I'll agree to disagree with you, because the point you are trying to make doesn't register with me. I never eluded to any of those excuses at all. Not directly or in between the lines. The ladies did well enough to wish me well and I'm happy to accept that.
I have hopes to relocate by early next year so we shall see.
