Don't say anything! Just smile, nod, and move on without engaging. If they push, indicate that you're looking to be as healthy and vibrant as you can, and it's a lifelong journey to do it.
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 08-23-2012 at 03:24 PM.
Lol, the last (and really, first real one) argument my ex and I had before he dumped me was about my weight and body image; he thought I didn't need to lose anymore weight, although that was when I had just gotten barely under 200lbs, obviously still overweight and obviously still needing to lose. He got so frustrated and couldn't understand why I thought my weight wasn't healthy for my height. Now granted, I'm not really shooting for a perfectly healthy weight, but I know for dang sure that 160-170 is a lot better than 200! Some people just don't understand.
What I do to combat this is instead of sharing my goal weight, current weight, or telling how much more I want to lose, I tell them the clothing size I'm aiming for (which is what I'm doing at this point, anyway -- shooting for a clothing size, not a specific weight). People of all shapes and weights wear all kinds of sizes and there's no possible way to determine what weight goes with what size or how much weight you need to lose to go down a size. So, if you're shooting for an 8, for example, then tell them that. People are satisfied with clothing sizes, and it tells your goals without telling your goals. They know you're still losing, but not knowing exactly how much takes away the "shock" factor. Saying, "I want to drop 2 more sizes" sounds a lot less scary than "I want to drop another 20lbs", if you think about it.
Last edited by mimsyborogoves; 08-23-2012 at 01:35 PM.
I get these comments a lot and I know a lot of very pushy, not very tactful people. They're not malicious, they're just themselves, y'kno... I've learned to just nod politely with what my brother calls a "vaguely pleasant look" on my face.
"You're not eating any x? Is that all you're having?" My answer is "Yes." Just "yes," no qualifiers. I don't have to explain my plate to anyone. "Do you eat? You don't want to go to far!" My response: "(smile) I'll try not to." "You're going to disappear!" That earns a giggle from me. I choose not to commit to a fixed answer. I mean really! I'm obviously not about to disappear, what answer does that comment merit?! Smh. I've learned if you don't talk too much or argue and stay vague, people tend to say their piece and get bored and change topics on their own.
My goals and my plan are my business and mine alone. Unless I think someone is genuinely interested and wants to know what I do and how I eat, I usually never disclose or talk about it.
After a family reunion, I got an email from my aunt telling me how great I looked and to "please help her look as good as me". Thinking she was genuinely interested, I emailed her back with a full explanation of my diet & exercise plan. It's been almost 3 weeks, and I've seen her once more since then, and I haven't received any kind of response.
Moral of the story? People don't really want to know how to lose weight. If they ask, they're just being polite enough to show interest, but they really don't care. The comments being made to you are people wanting to be polite by showing interest and concern, but the bottom line is in the end, it doesn't really matter to them, so I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I have to disagree on your analysis, Lauren. Most people want to lose weight, genuinely and desperately. Many of the now-successful maintainers on this site wanted to lose weight for years, and even tried. Wanting to lose weight, and being physically willing or mentally ready to actually do the work to do it, are two different things. I guarantee your aunt was genuinely interested in what you did and probably wanted the same results, but her response would indicate a lack of readiness on some crucial point, not necessarily a lack of desire
I don't get those comments very often as I work with men. I have gotten a few comments along those lines and they all came from women. (Why can't we women just leave people alone?!)
The only thing I can suggest that maybe will help is to completely avoid the topic of weight or diet at all, to hopefully not lead to the "well how much more do you want to lose" conversation.
It's frankly no one's business except perhaps my husband's and doctor's. I've gotten some "wasting away" comments and just try to blow them off as much as I can, just by nodding and changing the topic as soon as possible.
It's going to happen. You can't change people, but you can change how your feelings are affected by their comments. Try not to let them ruffle you up.
I lie. I just started getting sick of hearing that from people and explaining BMI. my wanting to loose my belly fat etc. These same people are the ones who ask how I do it over and over again. I just say no, I am not trying to loose anymore, my fat must be redistributing itself. Mostly the people who are asking don't really know much about weight loss anyway so that sounds as reasonable to them as anything.
Also...for Lauren - I think many people ask about what plan you're following because they're looking for the "secret". When you basically tell them, eat less and move more, that's really not what they want to hear and clam up.
I'm in kinesiology and some of the best researchers teach my class.. they agree themselves it's not a bad indication at all; the only times where it can vary significantly is if you're on the extreme side of the spectrum.. IE you're one of those weightlifters and the BMI classifies you as "obese"
But their best lesson yet is this: "if you look in the mirror and think you're really overweight, you most likely are"
(Try not to think too much into that one).
Last edited by luckystreak; 08-23-2012 at 09:52 PM.
ArcticMama and Vex, you guys are right; I don't think it's ALL negative. However, what I said was kind of the jist of what both of you said put together. Of course, most everyone that needs to lose weight also wants to lose weight, so they ask how to do it. But, because they're not ready to do it the "hard" way, they clam up because the reality is there is no easy fix, which makes it appear as if they have little to no interest in what you had to say in the first place. They're interested, alright, but not in what you have to say.
I don't think people are doing anything to be intentionally rude. They are just inadvertently being rude. But you are all correct, I don't need to say anything. I bring it on myself, too, I guess, when I say that I still have a ways to go. I will stop saying that immediately.
The toughest situation is when they want you to eat something that is clearly not an option for me at that moment. Last night for example, we went to a pizza place and the two friends I was with kept saying "have some pizza! You have to treat yourself sometime"!
I do treat myself occasionally, but am determined to have a binge-free two months so I ordered a salad, which was the healthiest thing on the menu. I said that I couldn't have pizza. By their expressions, you would have thought I had just told them that next World War had just started, they looked so disappointed.
I'm not going to let this stuff bother me anymore. I know how much I need to lose, and I know that once I get there I will look and be healthy,
For the very persistent about what I'm doing, I simply tell them that, my Doctor and I are working together on my overall health and lifestyle and that we are on the same page, with my weight, and that my blood work is good.
I have found that adding the Doctor into the mix, shuts people up!
I said that I couldn't have pizza. By their expressions, you would have thought I had just told them that next World War had just started, they looked so disappointed.
In virtually all cultures "hospitality" and comraderie include food. So we're trained from birth to celebrate and reward ourselves and others with food (and to be disappointed if folks turn down our hospitality or refuse to participate in the celebration).
If you say "I can't have pizza," even if you don't use the self-pitying, long-suffering, regretfilled tone that is "traditional," people will interpet it that way, because it's part of the ritual (and the ritual response is to encourage the person to "live a little," and "just this once,"....).
However, if you say you "don't want any pizza," (and sound like you mean it, and not just because you're dieting but because you don't WANT pizza) you'll have a much better chance of getting the food pushers off your back.
If (as far as they know) you're choosing the food you really want and are excited about, they're not going to be as likely to push food on you.
Which is why I NEVER say I "can't have," something. If I'm eating with non-dieters (or anyone really) I say in an excited tone, "I'm really craving salad tonight, Wow the grilled chicken salad sounds absolutely amazing, but I'm not sure if I'll like the dressing, I better get it on the side."
If I talk about what I CAN'T or SHOULDN'T have, people will encourage me to splurge, but if I make it clear that the food I want is the food I ordered, people don't question it at all. At most, someone will offer me a bite of their food, but they won't encourage me to order food I don't want (so I make sure I'm clear that I'm ordering food I want and food I will enjoy).
Personally, there's nothing I hate worse than eating with someone who is complaining about the food they "can't" eat, while making moon-eyes at MY food as if I'm sucking the enjoyment right out of their meal (and yet I'm a villain and a saboteur if I say anything that can be interpreted as food-encouraging).
I'm not saying that you DID that, but it happens so often that many people aren't sure what they're supposed to do. Especially since many people DO expect to be encouraged to break their diet (it's why they complain about not being "allowed" or "able" to eat what they really want to be eating).
However, even if it's an "act" people won't question your food choices if you act as though you're making your choices based on what you WANT to do, not what you feel you're obligated to do.
Imagine how uncomfortable you'ld be if you were dining out with a friend who pointed out all the dishes they couldn't order because they didn't have enough money to order what they really wanted. Many of us would feel obligated to offer to pay for their meal, or to pay part of it, so they could get what they really wanted.
If we talk about what we CAN'T have (implying that we want it, but can't have it), many people, especially those who want to see us happy, are going to encourage us or enable us to get what we want.
I've rarely had anyone push food on me, when I've gushed about how the choice I made is exactly the choice I wanted.
When we visit the inlaws, my MIL has always tried to push wine on me, even though I don't drink (I have too low an alcohol tolerance and even before I was on meds that made it worse, I didn't like drinking because it just made me sleepy). My standard excuse when offered wine was that I couldn't drink because of my medications (but I had made the mistake of telling her my doctor told me I could have one glass of wine without problems). She didn't stop the pushing until I started turning it down because "I don't want to fall asleep, and even one glass makes me too sleepy to enjoy myself, I'd much rather have a diet soda...."
When I said that, it made her happy, because I had voiced a desire she could help me fulfill. She'd get me a diet soda and we'd both be happy.
