[starbrite]

Wow Trudiha - Thanks. I really needed those encouraging words

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by starbrite

Thanks everyone.
Berry/For love of self -My parents are both hyper critical and that means about every aspect of my life, that of my husband, children and anything associated with me. The criticism and negativity has been so painful over the years and I have never felt supported in anything that I have done.I have been married to a very good man for 17 years - they have never had a good word to say about him - no reason.
I have two great teenage children. Both do well at school, are sociable and good people. Yet they do not match up to their scrutiny.
I have a beautiful home - yet it's not good enough.
I have a good job, yet that isn't either.
I have kept them away from me because the pain they were inflicting was destructive.
Filial duty brings me back into their lives. They are relatively old (in their 70's) and I can't bear the thought that something may happen to them whilst we are not speaking.
I guess what I was trying to do by posting here was to arm myself, like you said Ennay, against the possible hurt from the meeting. I know I have moved on and made major strides in my life - but there is something about the relationship with parents that is tied up with duty, and "doing the right thing".
I hope the meeting will be ok - I suspect it will be very civilised, and because of that will be extremely frustrating. I suspect no mention will be made of the reasons why my brother and I have stopped speaking to them. And I guess they will have learnt nothing from the experience.
Sadly I am resigned to that fact, but certainly feel the angst of the journey (I am driving from Belgium to UK alone to have this meeting).I am very nervous- not really because I want their approval, but I guess in my idealistic brain, because I do want their approval! I m aware that it will make no difference to the achievements I have made, but somewhere inside every adult is a little child who wants to be praised for their success. Having never had parents who supported me, there is an aspirational quality to my desire to have them say "OMG you look fabulous!"
Thanks for all your wiseness - I always know where to come when I reach a sticking point in my journey.

Reading this makes me so sad. Parenting is a hard gig and I hope I'm not making the same mistakes my parents made, but I'm probably making my own that my kids will hate me for or will be disgruntled about. But it makes me sad, because that is how my upbringing was too.

And I totally get how you just want it to change. You just want to some how finally be ok in their eyes. I remember when I was pregnant with my first. I truly hoped that this baby would mend wounds and allow us to start fresh. Of course it didn't. And I was crushed as things actually got worse (and led to me closing the door). I was seeing a therapist at the time and I realized I was ready when I got to the point when my biggest concen was that something would happen to my mom and she would never know how I felt about here parenting. I knew by telling her she would close communication with me. But I was ready for it. I came to terms with it. I say that but every couple years I get an email or something and it always throws me for a loop, so I'm not as disconnected as I want to be. But I feel better in between times.

And btw, my husband isn't good enough and neither are my children, etc. that was another main reason I stopped it all. It was one thing for my mother to mistreat me, quite another to do it to my children.

[Beach Patrol]

starbrite:

you have done an AMAZING job with your weight loss! you have every reason to be proud & happy! you've done the hard work, and you're obviously much happier and I imagine much healthier as well!!

what your parents say/don't say or think/don't think cannot change the fact that you have made awesome strides in your personal well-being!!

that said, I know you said you "don't want their approval" but I think it's just the opposite. You really DO want their approval (and now I see in another post that you do admit to that) - and it's hard to admit that you want it! -you want their accolades, their smiles, their "way to go!" - yes, you want their approval. And you're simply afraid you won't get it, and by not getting it, perhaps you fear "what will it do to my success?"

The trick, I think, is to not let their approval OR lack thereof dictate how your personal journey has made you feel. Parents, spouses, other loved ones have only as much power as we give them. Their attitudes, their ideas, their approval means something to us or they would simply have NO POWER at all. If you go into this visit with the full-frontal-knowledge that you do want their approval but are not expecting it, then you're already one step ahead.

Don't play mind games with yourself. It's not worth it! - JUST REMEMBER THIS: you have come a long way, baby! And nobody can "steal your thunder" unless you let them. Don't give them that power.

You've done great! WAY TO GO!!!

[starbrite]

A quick update....
I met with my parents on Saturday. They said I looked fabulous, then proceeded to say a variety of stupid things about how "skinny" I was and how I had no fat on me etc etc etc.
:sigh:

[weebleswobble]

Starbrite,

I am sorry that it seems your parents have not only not been able to successfully parent their own children, but your parents have also not been able to parent themselves.

You have done an amazing job parenting the child that is within yourself.

The bruised and broken child within me reaches out to the bruised and broken child within you. We are healing. We choose to heal.

[andrew80k]

Glad it went well. The thing about parents is that they really don't know you. My mom doesn't know me at all. And the things that come out of her mouth sometimes make me cringe. Just have to take it all in stride and move on.

[ennay]

Originally Posted by starbrite

A quick update....
I met with my parents on Saturday. They said I looked fabulous, then proceeded to say a variety of stupid things about how "skinny" I was and how I had no fat on me etc etc etc.
:sigh:

Given the background that sounds like an overwhelmingly positive encounter. Giving that first bit of praise sounds so far out of their comfort zone that they had to everything possible to make things "normal" again.