I have to agree that I think it would be best to postpone the wedding until you get some counselling.
The thing that really strikes me, is that the things he chooses to say seem really deliberately hurtful. It's one thing to not initiate sex often anymore because you're not feeling as attracted to your partner.. and another thing entirely to tell them so. When they have an illness. And are doing their best in spite of it to lose weight.
Also the 5 on a scale of 1 to 10.. what other purpose could that possibly have served, other than to demoralize and hurt his fiancee?? There's no upside of that comment, or any other way that it could be interpreted.
I agree - the guy has a definite cruel streak. I'd figure it out before you get married, for the sake of your baby.
It's disturbing that he would say those things to your face especially considering that you've been incredibly sick which is what caused your weight gain. It's not like you chose to be on bedrest or ending up with a metabolic disorder. I am a full believer in trying to work things out since I've been in a very rocky relationship with someone who could be very volatile with their words,and in my experience it was best to work things out, I would try telling him to think about things before he just blurts out whatever he feels. Words can be extremely damaging to a person who is already in a fragile state. I don't want to bash him and I know there are always two sides to a story but him putting you down like that is hurting my heart and I don't even know you. If you are asking him these questions and he simply responding honestly then STOP asking him! You're beautiful and you gave birth to a beautiful life....know that you are a 10 inside and out girlie!
I am 65 years old, and I post here on the Golden Girls thread. I saw your post and couldn't help putting forth MY "two cents worth".
Counseling is overrated. I say this as a former social worker who has done plenty of it.
This man doesn't love you, primarily because he doesn't like himself, and sees you, at your current weight, and with your health issues as a daily reminder of his own inadequacies.
Work on losing the weight - for YOU, not to please him. People cannot be "counseled" into appreciating their significant others more, and the way he speaks to you is, repeat after me, UNACCEPTABLE. The more of it you tolerate, the more he will dish out.
As you lose the weight...slowly and surely...you will come to appreciate yourself more, and become more aware of just how wrong it is for anybody to treat ANYBODY the way this man is treating you.
Raising your child on your own is not an easy task, but many of us have done it, and we haven't had to sacrifice our self-respect in the process.
Get. Rid. Of. Him. You'll look back 10 years from now and think of it as the best decision you ever made!
Oh, this, incidentally, shouldn't be construed as a professional opinion, just the opinion of a woman who has been there, done that, and hates for anyone else to be subjected to that kind of living.
It's disturbing that he would say those things to your face especially considering that you've been incredibly sick which is what caused your weight gain. It's not like you chose to be on bedrest or ending up with a metabolic disorder. I am a full believer in trying to work things out since I've been in a very rocky relationship with someone who could be very volatile with their words,and in my experience it was best to work things out, I would try telling him to think about things before he just blurts out whatever he feels. Words can be extremely damaging to a person who is already in a fragile state. I don't want to bash him and I know there are always two sides to a story but him putting you down like that is hurting my heart and I don't even know you. If you are asking him these questions and he simply responding honestly then STOP asking him! You're beautiful and you gave birth to a beautiful life....know that you are a 10 inside and out girlie!
I did mention that I felt like he wasn't initiating sex anymore and that often when I did he was turning me down. That's how that conversation came about. The "5" comment was pretty out of the blue. We were just in the car driving.
I think the thing that bothers me most is he's not really supportive to my weight loss efforts. I count calories and occasionally (once every 2 or 3 weeks), I save calories to have a treat. Last time I wanted to buy ice cream, he said, in front of the other couple we were with, "why are you getting that? Aren't you supposed to be watching your calories or something?" Needless to say, I didn't get the ice cream. He will also go to the gym after work (he's a Marine and works out on base), but won't let me get a gym membership because it's "too expensive."
I agree Berry when she says that we dont know the situation therefore we should not suggest "extreme" solution; I disagree anyway when she says that Cammieb's fiancee "fell in love with a young, healthy, thin woman": sorry, he fell in love with a WOMAN. all the rest are adjectives.
Cammie - but you didn't answer the most important questions - did you ASK him about why he didn't initiate sex? or Did he just tell you? Did you ask him to rate you 1-10? Or did he just spurt it out? That does make a difference.
And, it is well documented, researched, etc that men are much more visual creatures than women. Doesn't mean they are all visual or that women are not, but in general, yes, looks matter more to men than women (and hello - why do you think women dye their hair, wear makeup, wear heels, etc? When men don't do similar things? Because of the visual thing).
AND - there is a big difference between being very overweight and not being 'ripped' in how someone looks. His change is in muscle mass, your change is in added fat. One still looks healthy. The other doesn't.
FWIW, my husband is tall and thin and very good looking. He's not athletic and never has been, but he's a good looking man and he had a very fat wife. Our sex life sucked. I knew he hated my weight. I knew he didn't find me attractive, but I also knew he loved me. And I understood. I knew I wouldn't be as attracted to him if he were as overweight, so would he find my blubber attractive? He was also worried about my health and our future.
Now, he's so happy and so supportive. He NEVER said I was ugly and NEVER said I was unattractive, but if I were to ask him, he would say that he wasn't very attracted to me. He would be honest. I just never asked because I didn't want to hear it... but I knew. How could I not know?
We have been together for 19 years, married for 18. We're aging together and he's OK with all those natural changes. He now finds me very attractive and just yesterday said I didn't need to lose any more weight, but that we both need to stay active and fit. My body is NOWHERE NEAR perfect - I have tons of horrible baby made stretch marks, I have hanging skin, I'm getting wrinkles, I've lost so much hair due to a bag thyroid, etc... He still finds me attractive - it was the weight that bothered him - not only in that it's not pretty, but it worried him.
Cammie - but you didn't answer the most important questions - did you ASK him about why he didn't initiate sex? or Did he just tell you? Did you ask him to rate you 1-10? Or did he just spurt it out? That does make a difference.
And, it is well documented, researched, etc that men are much more visual creatures than women. Doesn't mean they are all visual or that women are not, but in general, yes, looks matter more to men than women (and hello - why do you think women dye their hair, wear makeup, wear heels, etc? When men don't do similar things? Because of the visual thing).
AND - there is a big difference between being very overweight and not being 'ripped' in how someone looks. His change is in muscle mass, your change is in added fat. One still looks healthy. The other doesn't.
FWIW, my husband is tall and thin and very good looking. He's not athletic and never has been, but he's a good looking man and he had a very fat wife. Our sex life sucked. I knew he hated my weight. I knew he didn't find me attractive, but I also knew he loved me. And I understood. I knew I wouldn't be as attracted to him if he were as overweight, so would he find my blubber attractive? He was also worried about my health and our future.
Now, he's so happy and so supportive. He NEVER said I was ugly and NEVER said I was unattractive, but if I were to ask him, he would say that he wasn't very attracted to me. He would be honest. I just never asked because I didn't want to hear it... but I knew. How could I not know?
We have been together for 19 years, married for 18. We're aging together and he's OK with all those natural changes. He now finds me very attractive and just yesterday said I didn't need to lose any more weight, but that we both need to stay active and fit. My body is NOWHERE NEAR perfect - I have tons of horrible baby made stretch marks, I have hanging skin, I'm getting wrinkles, I've lost so much hair due to a bag thyroid, etc... He still finds me attractive - it was the weight that bothered him - not only in that it's not pretty, but it worried him.
I realized I forgot to answer those questions so I posted again. The post is 2 or 3 posts before yours.
Also, I don't really consider myself "very overweight." At the moment, I'm a size 12. Not small, but not super huge either, imo.
I did mention that I felt like he wasn't initiating sex anymore and that often when I did he was turning me down. That's how that conversation came about. The "5" comment was pretty out of the blue. We were just in the car driving.
I think the thing that bothers me most is he's not really supportive to my weight loss efforts. I count calories and occasionally (once every 2 or 3 weeks), I save calories to have a treat. Last time I wanted to buy ice cream, he said, in front of the other couple we were with, "why are you getting that? Aren't you supposed to be watching your calories or something?" Needless to say, I didn't get the ice cream. He will also go to the gym after work (he's a Marine and works out on base), but won't let me get a gym membership because it's "too expensive."
Ok, so the sex thing was being honest - and how is being a 5 "ugly", he might have thought in his head that he was telling you that despite the weight - you were still 'average" and OK... that's not "ugly". An ugly would be a 1 or a 2.
Oh, and the ice cream thing - sounds like lack of communication to me - he might have been trying to be supportive by maybe trying to help you avoid temption. You just didn't inform him that you had saved up for the treat. That situation probably could have been averted with better talking between the two of you.
Now, what is bothersome is that he doesn't support you in the weight loss. If he has a gym membership, you should have a gym emmbership if you will actually use it.
I realized I forgot to answer those questions so I posted again. The post is 2 or 3 posts before yours.
Also, I don't really consider myself "very overweight." At the moment, I'm a size 12. Not small, but not super huge either, imo.
I saw that you responded to the questions- and no, you are not very overweight - but you were - 210 is in the obese category. And I'm sure if you were to ask him if you were looking better, he would say you are - definitely.
I disagree anyway when she says that Cammieb's fiancee "fell in love with a young, healthy, thin woman": sorry, he fell in love with a WOMAN. all the rest are adjectives.
I agree with this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cammieb
Also, I don't really consider myself "very overweight." At the moment, I'm a size 12. Not small, but not super huge either, imo.
I'd kill to be a size 12 right now. This boy is complaining over a size TWELVE?
I think I'm changing my mind ... I said I thought counseling might help, but for a guy who is upset by a size 12, I personally wouldn't have a lot of hope for the relationship. I wouldn't be in it, that's just me... I'd be too scared that gaining any weight would end us back up at square one! No thanks.
I'd go with what Ellabella said. Do not marry this guy unless he has a personality transplant. It's SO much harder to get out of a relationship once you're married. It sounds like he will at the very least be this neglectful -- and possibly MUCH worse. Also, think about what self-esteem issues this will subject your child to as s/he becomes a young adult who deserves everything life has to offer.
I'd usually suggest counseling to be safe and wimpy. But I'm going to go out on a limb here. Don't marry him, and life separately if you aren't already. Let him visit as much as he wants, but I'd put money on his losing interest in the child. If that happens and you don't have any family in the area, move away!
Look at you -- you're beautiful and you've already lost 10 lbs! You and your family deserve to have a mate/father who appreciates you. As for the gym thing, that is pretty common for guys who are threatened that their lady will become so attractive other men are interested. There are many things you can do. If you have a baby jogger, you can jog, you can always walk. And if you have a DVD player you can find exercise videos at the library and on eBay. If you have cable TV, there's a fitness channel with at-home workouts you can do with your toddler right there. If you look online at meetup.com, I bet you'll find mommy workout groups right there in Oceanside.
Please don't marry this man. You deserve so much better, and your life is just beginning!
Keeping it together "for the kid" is a very antiquated idea that should be abolished in our modern society. The fact is, a child can be healthier with parents who decide to split up and be amicable, than to have two parents who stay together and display signs of problems. Would you ever want your child to grow up with body issues because he or she picked it up from the way the father treated you?
Sometimes, it is better to walk away for the child. I'm not suggesting that this is or is not one of those situations either. This is just a side note I wanted to add... something to think about.
I know nothing about your fiance, or really, about you! But I'll just throw out this thought: Do you really want to marry someone who isn't interested in sex with you? In hopes that "if" or "when" you lose weight, he'll become interested again?
Marriage is a contract, and getting out of it can be hard and expensive. Everything has to be good to go before you launch into it. I think you have some serious concerns that need to be resolved in some way before you get married, regardless of the children.
Good luck, cammieb. I'm sorry to hear about your porphyria--that's a tough thing to deal with.
I think the thing that bothers me most is he's not really supportive to my weight loss efforts. I count calories and occasionally (once every 2 or 3 weeks), I save calories to have a treat. Last time I wanted to buy ice cream, he said, in front of the other couple we were with, "why are you getting that? Aren't you supposed to be watching your calories or something?" Needless to say, I didn't get the ice cream. He will also go to the gym after work (he's a Marine and works out on base), but won't let me get a gym membership because it's "too expensive."
This would be the red flag for me to at the least postpone the wedding. My husband HATES that I'm over weight and always has but he's also offered everything we can humanly afford to help me. Sure he hasn't always gone about it in the right way but his best intention is always there. Plus I would think what you may be spending on the wedding could go toward a gym membership or WW or whatever you had in mind.
BTW you don't have to be married to be good parents. And it costs a lot more to get divorced. Good luck with your decision.
I am a full believer in trying to work things out since I've been in a very rocky relationship with someone who could be very volatile with their words,and in my experience it was best to work things out, I would try telling him to think about things before he just blurts out whatever he feels. Words can be extremely damaging to a person who is already in a fragile state. I don't want to bash him and I know there are always two sides to a story but him putting you down like that is hurting my heart and I don't even know you. If you are asking him these questions and he simply responding honestly then STOP asking him! You're beautiful and you gave birth to a beautiful life....know that you are a 10 inside and out girlie!
