Wow, thank you everyone for your posts. I can't begin to express how supportive this site has been and knowing I am not the only one stuck in this cycle help tramedously. After reading this, I had a talk with my husband about how women with "anorexia" go undiagnosed because they are not the classic super thin everyone thinks of when they picture anorexia. Yet all the other restrictive and obsessive behaviors are there and just as difficult to overcome.
I am so glad a few people mentioned the high that comes with basically starving yourself. Bonnie, you wrote "I think there is this wonderful high that comes from when you are 'in the moment' and restricting and everyday you wake up, skinnier than the previous- and that heightens the high that was already there."
It was almost chilly how dead on that was for me. The high, the rush, and Glory87, like you said the "energy".
Every morning I wake up looking forward to getting on the scale, to feeling "skinnier" than the night before. Even as the night comes to an end, I start thinking about the next day. I love watching the pounds melt away. Sometimes, I enjoy the empty feeling of hunger...how bad is that? Just knowing I'm resisting eating and comsuming calories.
Shellsbrood, I do the same thing with exercising. Its harder to do now that I have kids, to exercise. Before I had kids, I would go to the gym for hours. And hour jogging on the treadmill, another 1/2 hour of eliptical, weights, maybe even a yoga class after...and I would never feel like I did enough. I never felt like I was really working out enough to lose weight, so I'd still restrict my eating and work out more. I sometimes went to the gym twice in one day. Once early in the morning, then later at night, so the same staff wasn't there and they didn't know I was already there that day.
Now that I can not exercise like that, because I have kids, I'm lucky to get a walk in, and the gym I will be joining after Christmas has a 2 hour limit on how long I can leave my 6 month old, which the are LOWERING to 1 hour soon...which has me already upset. Only 1 hour??? In my weird set of rules, that is not enough to justify eating, so it will be even harder to feel ok about eating a normal amount.
I down loaded a free fitness type app on my iPod. And I am using it to log everything I eat and calories. Today I had about 1100 calories, and my goal is 1200. So, I'm very happy about that.
Also, Shannonmb, I want to take your advice and only weigh once a month. I absolutely have the same scale issues. I weigh everyday and if the scale doesnt say exactly what I'm expecting, I start nit picking the day before. What I need to cut back, how I can cut back more today...and you're right about weekly. It still causes a problem. 0.5 lbs!! In my head is not good enough. It means I went wrong somewhere! And I start cutting back the next week. But maybe monthly will work. I don't know how I will stop myself from weighting daily, let alone waiting monthly. You would think that something as easy as not stepping on a scale would not be so difficult, but its the highlight of my day. It will be hard to not do, but weighing daily is only causing bigger problems.
Thank you everyone. This battle is fought one day at a time. Thank goodness we have this website.
From a biological perspective, the "energy" makes perfect sense. When food stops coming in, do you want your body to just shut down, make you want to crawl in a corner and slowly die? Oh hellz no, you want your body to focus on "getting stuff done." From my perspective with restriction, short term extreme calorie deprivation has about a 2-3 week "honeymoon" period, where I feel GREAT. On top of the world, filled with "can do" spirit. I'm sure, biologically, the body intends me to put that "can do" spirit to work finding some damned food.
Now that I'm on the other side of restricting/binging, the body's ability to KEEP ME ALIVE is pretty amazing. It gave me energy when I needed it most to find food and eventually MADE ME EAT.
I respect my body a lot more now that I understand that it doesn't want me to fail, it wants me to live. All it knows is for thousands of years, people didn't get enough to eat on a regular basis (and even today, for some people). Every response is intended to get me through a period of famine. And it's really magnificent. If our bodies didn't do this, our ancestors wouldn't have made it across the frozen tundra, or through the potato famine or across the Rockies in a covered wagon. We wouldn't be here.
I was so successful (nearly 6 years of maintenance) because I worked with my body for the first time, not against it.
Wow - so many of us go through this! Here's my take.
This is a daily battle. I have PCOS, so I've been dieting over half my life - to no avail. I have tried everything - including basically starving myself for weeks. Though I have never flucuated in weight, I do feel like I lost my sense of "hungry." I just don't feel it! I will get dizzy and lightheaded long before I get hungry - and I bet I could go days without eating. I'm on a drug for PCOS (metformin) which can cause really low blood sugar, so I try not to do that.
I have miraculously lost 16lbs on my new plan - which involves essentially eating no carbs other than what are in vegetables/nuts. I already don't eat beef or pork, so it's pretty low fat too. I've allowed myself one or two really carby meals a month, but I've generally had no trouble staying on plan - b/c I feel like I have such a hate relationship with food. It's so silly - I actually resent eating - like a child!
I think a lot of it comes out of feeling like I have control over myself. I realized a long time ago that I eat far healthier and exercise more than all my friends - yet I know that because of the way I look people assume that I go home and eat donuts every day. I have had trainers and even doctors who don't understand PCOS tell me that I'm lying and that I'm in denial of my own poor choices. I had a personal trainer "fire" me because I wasn't losing weight on *her plan* and she couldn't grasp that it might not be my fault.
I recognize that a part of me feels very satisfied when I know I can control/restrict myself. It's like - if everyone else thinks I'm a weakminded glutton, at least I can prove to myself that I'm in control. Every time I feel physically empty, I try to not feel some sort of victory.
I know like you do that it isn't a healthy mindset. But you are absolutely not alone in fighting it.
Im so happy someone feels the same way! Ive always felt for some weird reason that anytime ive dieted if im full i cheated even if i just ate a big salad! I eat 6x daily so i never really get to that "im hungry" state and ive been doing well weight loss wise ive lost about 2lb every week but i didnt lose anything last week so its starting again and i feel like im eating to much of the good food im allowed to eat and im only eating about 1100 calories as it is..but im not exercising either so i feel like i need to cut back...errr stupid brain!
Isn't it strange to not really remember what *hungry* is? You always hear about how people can forget what it feels like to be full - but no one ever talks about the opposite! I've gotten my head so tangled up about food - and ignored hunger so much....it just gave up and left!
Ive always felt for some weird reason that anytime ive dieted if im full i cheated even if i just ate a big salad!
I hear you on that!!! I feel the same way! My husband took me to salad works 2 days ago, and I had a salad with lettuce, cucumbers, broccili, feta cheese, chic peas, and lite balsalmic drg....I watched them make it and while they put A LOT of lettuce in, they put a very small serving of everything else. I even added up the calories for the salad...but I still felt guilty about lunch. I didnt even eat the roll they give you, my husband did. But still...so I didnt eat until dinner and I had a progresso light soup, at 60 cals a serving, I ate the can...so 120 cals! But I still felt like the day was a bust because of the salad.
Its like if I can mesure the EXACT calories in something (like the salad) I get nervous that I'm grossly under estimating, and panic and I dont want to eat the rest of the day.
