I'm having a similar issue in my relationship, but the roles are reversed. I lost some weight this past year and my husband gained around 30 pounds. Now I want *ahem* more often, but his libido is almost non-existant. He tells me he feels repulsed by his shape and that it kills his desire. He doesn't think he could possibly be attractive at 270 lbs, even though I am still very much attracted to him and frequently tell him so. I don't think he believes me, and I'm not sure why because I'm not the type who looks around and I've never been drawn to pretty boys or hard bodies. (I think male body builders look kind of gross, actually... no offense to anyone, just my personal preference.) I think he's amazing inside and out and I wish he could see himself the way I see him.
OP, I really didn't mean to hijack your thread, and I'm sure Lioness didn't either. Lioness, you are eloquent, polite, and wise, and I value your posts. No harm in a little disagreement, even though I think we are actually on the same page most of the way. Just had to get that out, we can go back to real life sex talk, JayEll!
JMSilver, I would feel really sad about this, too. I agree with whoever said work on yourself, get where YOU want to be, and then when he's back all over you, decide if HE's what YOU really want, since apparently the skin-deep beauty is a big issue. Yes, he was honest, so now you know what his expectations are and whether they fit in with YOURS.
I really want to thank all the posters in this thread from the bottom of my heart. Every one of you has given me a lot to think about.
In all honesty, he felt very bad about saying what he said. But I pushed him to be honest with me because I felt something was off. When he said he wished he could take it back, I said, "At this point in my life, I need your honesty more than your coddling."
And I do. I'm building a new life, trying to get healthy, finding out who I am. I have always loved that he is honest, and I don't fault him for having his preferences.
That being said, I still get depressed about it. How could I not? We still have all of the other things - hugging, kissing, hand holding - and I'm happy about that. But I do know that I need a place like this to talk about these things, to 'be around' people who understand, and I appreciate all the responses.
I don't know that there will be a magic number of when things get back to normal. I don't want to know. Because for once in my life, I'm doing this for me. I don't like being at this weight because of my preferences for me. I'm just focusing on making myself feel sexy - without his or anyone else's input.
OK - I'm going against the norm, here, and I don't meant to start anything. Here are my thoughts, and this has affected me.
1. Most men are very interested in looks, and those that don't either 1)say anything about weight, or 2)don't admit to it when asked, usually are not being honest. MOST, not all. Most men are attracted physically first before emotionally. I think it's just their nature and testosterone levels.
2. Women put more emphasis generally on emotions, and therefore, we usually expect our men to do the same. It's doesn't happen that way.
3. Mine was not attracted to me because of the fact I didn't respect myself enough to keep fit and take physicall care of myself, not the "weight" itself, but the things that made me overweight. I didn't care enough about myself to do something about it before it got out of hand. So, if I can't respect myself, how will others? And, you know what, I see his point! I agree with him.
4. Gray hair, wrinkles, some illnesses, all of that is part of life that comes with age. Gaining a little here and there is, also. But, being morbidly obese, barring some medical condition, isn't. It's doesn't come with the territory of aging. It comes with not doing something about it.
I agree with my hubby on his thoughts and, I'm still very overweight, but now that I'm fixing it, his respect level has grown for me and we do "ahem" all the time now, even though I'm still fat. He wants to be with me because I love myself and him enough to be the best I can be.
Now, as I said, this is a generalization and isn't absolute. They are my feelings, and I think those that say all the things like "I'd leave him", "I wouldn't put up with that" are not facing the reality that most men do care about looks. I think there are many men out there that will not tell their wives the truth or avoid the subject, because it's painful. I also think it works the other way around sometimes, but overall, this is what I think.
The weight isn't any different than if someone suffered from depression but wasn't fixing it and making life miserable, or, a gambling or alcohol problem and not facing it. How long could one live with that or how long would you put your family though it knowing it's affecting their health? To me, it's the same thing.
It hurts. I know. I just used my anger and sadness about it as fuel and made it better. And, I will never stop caring about myself again.
I'm glad your are caring about yourself and doing this for you. Get that Lingerie!
It sounds to me that this guy does really love you and to me is more of a keeper than 90% of guys out there. Even though he's not 100% attracted to you right now he still wants to be with you and tries not to make you feel worst about your weight. If he were constantly demeaning you that would be one thing, but he is trying to hide it. You both just need to rekindle the sexy side of the relationship.
This may sound like bad advice to some people, but I say you both need to get moderately drunk (not sloppy or pass-outy drunk) and have some *ahem as you call it. Leave the lights off if you want. Focus on creating sensations that feel good, not what you look like. Be loud, pretend those extra 40 lbs don't exist. I guarantee you that you will both feel 1000% better.
OMG soo opening a bottle of wine tonight HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
And you go girl with the sexah lingerie!
You have a good man it sounds like. Seriously. I know it kinda sucks, cause my man and I have had that convo before too. But honestly, its what one of the last things was to get my butt in gear for the last time. I WANT my man to want me, ALL the time and vice versa with him. At the risk of the TMI coming up, I know he misses the lingerie that frequented his vision 50lbs ago!
I will say it again, YOU GO GIRL and get yourself all sexified!
Agree with the "have a couple drinks and bang like teenagers" suggestion. Lights off, lights on, blackout, bright light, you'll both be so into it that it won't matter. If you choose to have such a session though don't make a big deal of planning it in advance to him. Spontaneity or at least perceived spontaneity is sexy as ****.
Sigh. I miss the days of feeling like doing ahem EVER
This may sound like bad advice to some people, but I say you both need to get moderately drunk (not sloppy or pass-outy drunk) and have some *ahem as you call it. Leave the lights off if you want. Focus on creating sensations that feel good, not what you look like. Be loud, pretend those extra 40 lbs don't exist. I guarantee you that you will both feel 1000% better.
I take back everything I said before and say go with this advice! I'm not too proud to admit Paloma's advice is way better than mine! Thanks for the thread, it's given me a lot of food for thought.
