I was just thinking about this, and there is one thing I do to help me get over my jealous or competitive feelings. I compliment the person, when I do that, for some reason those little feelings die down somewhat.
I don't think you're horrible at all. It's totally normal to be jealous of other people's success.
This makes me think of "Schadenfreude", the word in German that means enjoying the misfortunes of others. You say you wish other parts of her life would fall apart--Schadenfreude--I mean, if there's a word for it, I think that means it's a pretty common human thought/behavoir/emotion!
I think the problem isn't the jealousy. The problem is thinking nasty, mean things about girls before they lose weight.
When you let yourself think "God, I can't believe she _________, I'd never let myself get like that, I'd never eat that or whatever, you are accepting a world where it's ok to think mean things about someone if they are "worse" than you, somehow. Then, when someone goes from "worse" than you to "better" than you, you assume they are thinking all the nasty, mean things about you that you used to think about them--and you think that's all right, you deserve it. This leads to self-loathing and jealousy.
This is a terrible pattern. Try to think nice things about people that are "worse" than you in whatever area. Control the inner catty monologue. Then, when other people are "better" than you, you won't assume they are giving an inner catty monologue about you.
In the end, what you tell yourself you're feeling about "her" is just you deflecting attention away from how you feel about yourself. I know this, because I was there at one time. It was easier for me to wish ill on the people who "had it easy" in my mind than it was to admit to myself that I didn't find my own behavior acceptable.
My boss often likes to say that when you point a finger at someone, you're really pointing back at yourself. I think that is so true. And it's okay. We're not expected to not feel jealous of people, or to always think positively of them. But when we do find ourselves pointing at them, or wishing ill on them, it benefits us to take a second to see what we're actually saying about ourselves.
My suggestion to you? Love yourself instead of disliking them. Love yourself enough to keep on plan. Love yourself healthy. Just like diet and exercise, it ain't easy, but its what we all need to do.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...huh?
I'm on the other side of the fence. I once was the absolute fattest person, (male or female) in my small community (really, I was). I am now the smallest adult person. I seriously have heard or overheard every comment imaginable about my weight loss. Some of the comments have been nice, but there are a lot of jealous people and I've heard alot of hurtful things like..."Don't be jealous of Lori, she'll gain it all back" or "She must have had super-duper secret gastric by-pass surgery" or "She'll never keep it off". You name it, I've heard it via the rumor mill. I'll tell you, it makes for a pretty lonely life...But one thing it has done for me is makes me even more bound and determine to NOT gain it back.
When 1/2 of your community is praying and hoping and wishing you'll get fat again is pretty heart breaking. It's taught me a lot about my own jealousy issues. Basically, I have become a convert. I don't envy anyone for anything now days. Being the target of envy has changed my life. When you lose all your weight, maybe you'll change too.
I LOVE your original post because it's so honest. A few responded that they have similar thoughts, and for every person who responded, there are dozens who read your post and feel the exact same way, but don't respond.
A couple of thoughts:
Jealousy over someone else ends up hurting you the most.
A stressed body can NOT become a healthy body. Jealousy raises your blood pressure, therefore putting unnecessary stress on your body. You're also jabbing or stabbing at your soul every time you're jealous.
Just because someone may have something you want, does NOT mean their life is PERFECT. You have no idea if SHE is jealous of YOU for something you have that they want.
Finally, I'm quite confident that because all of us have electricity and access to the internet means we are all in the top 10% of wealthy humans on this planet. I'm not saying money = happiness, but the 90% of people below our wealth have very little. Very little food, poor housing or no housing, no education, may work 18 hours a day for the equivalent of 2 American dollars (or Euros, or British Pounds, etc). They may live in a country where women are treated like scum. They may have no freedoms. We need to be aware of how the majority of this Earth would give ANYTHING for one day of our lives. Please try to put it all into perspective. I know it's tough/hard to think of what's out there (or not there) when what you want surrounds you.
NO ONE finds true happiness while "keeping up with the Joneses". I spent the past few years wishing I "had", and now, after simplifying my life due to financial reasons, the most enjoyable things I have are not tangible. Same with weight loss. When you stop comparing what others have (or have lost, weight wise) the pounds will melt away.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence...huh?
I'm on the other side of the fence. I once was the absolute fattest person, (male or female) in my small community (really, I was). I am now the smallest adult person. I seriously have heard or overheard every comment imaginable about my weight loss. Some of the comments have been nice, but there are a lot of jealous people and I've heard alot of hurtful things like..."Don't be jealous of Lori, she'll gain it all back" or "She must have had super-duper secret gastric by-pass surgery" or "She'll never keep it off". You name it, I've heard it via the rumor mill. I'll tell you, it makes for a pretty lonely life...But one thing it has done for me is makes me even more bound and determine to NOT gain it back.
When 1/2 of your community is praying and hoping and wishing you'll get fat again is pretty heart breaking. It's taught me a lot about my own jealousy issues. Basically, I have become a convert. I don't envy anyone for anything now days. Being the target of envy has changed my life. When you lose all your weight, maybe you'll change too.
Lori, I'm sorry you've had to hear such hurtful things; it must be very upsetting. I'm so glad you're able to use it to your advantage though to continue maintaining.
I just take the jealousy and use it as (secret) competitive motivaton. I just think - I have to catch up, so I will work even harder than I am now. It helps that I am incredibly competitive with just about everything.
I was on the other side of this topic a few months ago. As in, I kept talking about my weight loss to friends at work and they would either make snide comments or not give a rats-behind. I eventually realized that I should probably keep it to myself and once I did they began making positive comments and on their own. Kinda weird how that works.
How do you go from being the green-eyed monster to focusing on your own self, focusing on your own weight loss program, and actually sticking to your own weight loss program in order to lose weight? I’ve had this unhealthy weight loss comparison mentality ever since I was a little girl and was told to start dieting because I was considered fat compared to other girls. How did you break the cycle of being jealous/envious of others and get yourself to lose the weight instead of wasting mental energy on jealousy?
I mentioned in an earlier post today that one of my biggest problems was making excuses and to add its almost a well known train of thought that society expects us to be thinner,prettier,etc. I had to change my way of eating for health reasons and the most important part of wanting to make a change/lose weight is to want it for yourself and not for others. I had a flashback to my 20's when a thinner co-worker made ugly remarks about "fat people" and to retaliate I ended up eating a pack of 5 cinnamon donuts in the bathroom @ work - it didnt help because she stayed thin & I kept on gaining weight!! The only "advice" I can give is that the "weight lose journey" has many detours and bumps in the road and it wouldnt be Life if it didnt have it's challenges.... Stay strong for yourself and keep trying until you get it right!!!!!
Location: Purdue University area, near West Lafayette, IN
Posts: 647
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeBird3
Thanks for the support! I really thought folks were going to tear me apart for wishing a former fat person would become fat again due to my own insecurities.
In terms of using the mentality of competiting with Chrissy (a.k.a the current woman I am comparing myself against on a physical appearence basis), isn't it actually an unhealthy mind-set to lose the weight in order to get her jealous? I don't know if I am stating this clearly on the message board, but it seems like I would be (more) mentally unheathly if I selected a particular person and said "Okay, my goal is to get as small, if not smaller, than HER!''. There is something unhealthy about it, don't you think? It would most likely make me lose the weight, but I think it wouldn't make me actually break the bad mental cycle of constantly comparing myself to Chrissy or whomever. You see, that's the thing....I want to end the cycle of being fixated on a particular person in terms of using that person as some sort of baseline of how I should look.
Again, I don't know if I'm making any clear sense, but I do appreciate you ladies telling me that what I'm feeling is natural and human.
I take relief in knowing that you seek to change this overpowering obsession. If you recognize (and you do) it is an obstacle to your own success, then you can address it. You obviously are a person seeking wisdom in a situation you have observed is destroying your chance at success. The only person who can truly benefit from such recognition is YOU. Focus on a healthier you and not how it affects anyone else and you will be able to improve spiritually (this is a spiritual issue!), mentally, AND physically. Your anger is hurting you far more than anyone else. And from experience I can tell you that once you get a handle on this, you become calmer and more at peace with the world around you.
Jealousy is explained like this in the book of James:
You want what you don’t have, so you scheme and manipulate to get it. You want what others have, but you can’t get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them.
So reclaim all control my friend. Seek out all possible ways to slay this monster! Blessings!
I completely understand and empathize with where you are coming from. My friend and I, after starting weight loss several times, joined WW 18 months ago. We both started out great, I lost 20, she lost 30. Then I fell off the wagon. Fast forward 18 months, she's lost almost 200 and I've gained 25. It KILLS me. She looks fantastic. She obsesses on exercise and weight loss now, and that gets on my nerves. I'm thrilled that she "got it" as far as things clicking for her, and hope that someday, that will be me.
I think jealousy is just human nature. Last year, my sister in law got pregnant on purpose with her second child. My biological clock is ticking so loudly it's keeping me up at night, but my SO is just not ready and I don't know if he ever will be, but I'm not into games or trapping a man. Today, he and I are stronger than ever and her husband walked out on her and her two week old baby. Sometimes, you have to be careful what you wish for!
These other women you're identifying in your post as subjects of your envy are merely a distraction. Focusing on them & on your feelings about them, rather than looking directly at yourself, and asking yourself how you feel about yourself, is another a form of denial & a way of avoiding tackling your own issues.
But you knew that already -- you know that you are procrastinating about making a change in yourself by substituting a preoccupation with them & your imaginary competition with them.
Working out helped me with this. Yeah I do feel flashes of envy at other, more fit people thumping out their fast miles on the treadmill beside me, the slender blondes walking in after their runs to stretch. But increasingly they're brief. My job is not to be another Running Blonde; my job is to be the best Saef possible. It's the only thing I'm qualified for.
Also, personally, it helps when I know the object of my envy better. Then I have to acknowledge on some level that I can't just have that woman's quads & calves, and leave the rest -- I'd have to take on her whole life, of which her body is just the physical manifestation, & that would include all her s*t, and her s*t is not in any way preferable to my own s*t.
I know that I am in this thing alone -- when I'm in the gym it's just me, breathing, moving & concentrating on making my own best time. Me vs. the treadmill, me vs. the elliptical, me vs. my metabolism & the aging process & yeah, me vs. mortality, too. It's very much one-on-one, really -- & no sense in dragging in some other person entirely, as others' lives are irrelevant to your own personal struggle to live within the one body you've been given. You're gonna be alone in that body in the hospital bed when things break down. Better start taking care of it now & forget those others.
When I find myself directing a lot of negative energy toward someone, I have to stop and ask myself why I am so angry? If I can center myself I can overcome it. Deepok Chopra's 7 Spiritual Laws of Success has helped me in that regard.
These other women you're identifying in your post as subjects of your envy are merely a distraction. Focusing on them & on your feelings about them, rather than looking directly at yourself, and asking yourself how you feel about yourself, is another a form of denial & a way of avoiding tackling your own issues.
Very true - sometimes people will go to any lengths to avoid dealing with their own stuff. I know I have.
here's something though, when you "go there" to that place of examining your feelings that you are afraid of, most of the time you realize that it's not as bad as you thought it would be. Fear is a big bully most of the time.
Lori, I'm sorry you've had to hear such hurtful things; it must be very upsetting. I'm so glad you're able to use it to your advantage though to continue maintaining. 
