Obviously losing 110 lb is harder as you have all the issues of losing 100lb and all the issues of losing the last 10lb to deal with
I wouldn't waste time arguing with her. She obviously thinks it's easier for you as you're losing weight more quickly than she is. I don't think it's the same at all and both are hard for different reasons. I know when I just need to lsoe a little weight I couldn't do it and didn't know how to do it but once I was heavier I could lose 28-34lb before starting to struggle.
Location: i am neither greek nor athenian, but a citizen of the world.
Posts: 328
I lost most of my weight a long time ago, and nowadays when I just want to lose a couple of pounds (say if I've gained a couple) I have to deal with so much more emotional manipulation. Given that the vast majority of my family are obese/overweight/diabetic you'd think they'd understand why I exercise harsh discipline on myself, but nope, I'm just being a party pooper.
I'm at a cross-roads right now. When I decided to lose weight, I had 110 lbs to lose. I have lost 75 of those pounds, leaving me with 35 to go. My rate of weight loss has slowed down alot, and I am constantly monitoring my input and output and so on to keep on losing. I was talking with a friend about this, and she has 10lbs to lose (her personal esthetic, not for medical reasons) and she goes on and ON and ON about how HARD it is for her and 10lbs is GROSS and she has to LOSE IT. And here I am having held 100lbs MORE than that. When I ask her about it, she says that it is just as hard to lose 10 lbs for her as it is to lose 110 lbs for me. I just can't see that at ALL -- 10 lbs to me represents only 2 months of solid effort (I lose slowly) with a balanced diet. 110lbs seems insurmountable -- heck its taken forever for the 75 to come off. Is it the same? Is 10 lbs just as hard as 100 lbs to lose? I just wanna tell her to quit whining about 10 freaking pounds, but I need some advice before I lose it on my friend.
Arguing about how's got tougher is rather pointless because both of your weight loss struggles are valid. What it sounds like is that you are both unwilling to acknowledge the other person's struggle and that puts both of you in the victim mode. Let's face it, losing any pounds is hard work and often a struggle for most people. Why not put your energies into supporting eachother rather than competing for who has it rougher.
Maybe what you're feeling is that your friend is discounting how hard you've worked and that I can understand. Sometimes people who have never dealt with obesity cannot understand how difficult it is for us to conquer our nutrition/fitness/emotional issues. For her she may just think "all you have to do is NOT eat 4000 calories a day, walk around a bit, and the weight will be gone." Sure sure it's easy to melt off weight in the beginning but often emotional and psychological issues start to surface, plateauing occurs, and then it becomes a real challenge that many might not understand. You may want to speak to your friend that by complaining about her weight and calling it "gross" it sparks anger in you because if 10lbs is gross to her, what could she possibly think of 100lbs more of you?
Basically your friend is calling you gross and you need to call her on it.
Thanks everyone for the feedback. I can see how the amount of weight overall to lose can be seen in different ways. Those of us who carried a whole bunch of it see their journey differently than those with not so much. I don't think the amount of weight should "validate" one, like if I've lost x pounds I've done OK but if I've lost x + 55 lbs for example is somehow "better". The challenges are different, too. I can't help but feel, though, that those who have gained a few pounds as in 10 pounds over the last 10 years and want to lose it don't understand how daunting it is to look in the mirror and realize that they have 110 pounds to lose.
I think I'll call her on her "10 lbs is gross" because if she thinks 10 lbs is gross what the heck does she really think of my extra 35 pound spare tire around my gut?!
Thanks again for everone's opinion. I really appreciate it.
I think that losing the weight is equally hard, though the duration of effort has to be taking into account. She's looking at months of effort and people who need to lose more might be looking at years. It's more daunting the longer you know you'll be at it.
I think the real point is that being 110 lbs. overweight is a lot harder than being 10 pounds overweight. That being the case, everything is harder at a higher weight.
Eh, I don't know about that. When I was 130 lbs, I still felt bad about myself because losing weight is so much more than just pounds lost... it is a personal experience for everyone which includes learning to love yourself, no matter what the scale says. In the end, who cares if it's harder to lose 100 lbs or 10 lbs... that's not really what living a healthy lifestyle is all about. I wouldn't want to discount people's feelings here by saying "my journey is harder than your journey" because you never know what someone is going through, even if it's just losing 10 lbs.
I have less than 20 lbs left and the pounds I lose these days are much more rewarding than the pounds that easily came off in the beginning, because I really have to work hard for them. That could very well be the same for someone who "just" has 10 lbs to lose.
I think I'll call her on her "10 lbs is gross" because if she thinks 10 lbs is gross what the heck does she really think of my extra 35 pound spare tire around my gut?!
Thanks again for everone's opinion. I really appreciate it.
Yes I think that this is why you wrote the OP. I think you're upset that your friend keeps going on and on about the grossness of her 10lbs (which is a valid feeling we've all had for sure). However, her saying that just makes you feel worse about yourself and I think you should say something to her so that she has an opportunity to express it in a way that doesn't make you feel bad.
We all walk our own paths and, as generally self-absorbed beings, our own struggles seem to be the most important.
Reminds me of a time I caught a healthy baby boy. Mom started crying. It was her 5th boy (and would be her last baby) and she had been told to expect a girl via ultrasound. She was grieving for the girl she had always wanted. What she didn't know was that down that hall, another lady had just pushed out a dead baby. I was personally grieving for that other family and I wanted to say something like, "You have a healthy baby! Be glad!", but of course I didn't. HER journey was that she had expected and hoped for one outcome and gotten another. That caused some difficulty (she was later fine btw). But to the family that had the dead baby, their journey was of course far more painful. But that doesn't mean that the mother-of-many-boys' pain was without validity.
But as humans we tend to notice our own struggles far more intimately and might be obtuse about other people's struggles....not always on purpose. 10 lbs to her might feel gross, but that doesn't mean she necessarily thinks 100 lbs on someone else is gross. We are often harder on ourselves than on other people (that whole self-absorbed thing again). And sometimes people just forget to hit their self-edit button.
I think it is way different. However, as other posters have said, it's still a journey that is important to her.
I have not been there, so I don't know, but my guess would be that having to lose 100 pounds is much more emotionally challenging than only having 10 to lose. Just my thought.
Personally, I think it is a different set of challenges when one is more fit or at a lower weight. I knew a woman years and years ago who worked to lose 20 pounds and it took her two years. Now she could have a condition, she could have only made small changes, she could have only exercised occasionally, I don't know, but for her it was "hard" as she was slightly overweight so her body was just more fit and different.
Her saying it is hard for her, yes it may be hard for her. Obviously she has some emotional issues with her weight, but physically it could mean her making specific changes, etc. The way she is expressing it is a bit insensitive, but probably not intentional as she is focused on her own feelings. Her thoughts are a bit flawed in my eyes, but that is just what I think.
I think, generally speaking, when one is heavier they lose weight differently. Sometimes people dump weight. I mean someone can lose 100 pounds in a year, but not everyone. I couldn't, I struggled a lot, but my weight loss is very different than it was when I was 340 pounds. So, it changes emotionally and physically as I get lower and lower and I have to make adjustments. I'm making adjustments now in fact as now i'm in the 260s and that is a new thing for me.
So, is it harder? No, I don't think so as that depends on so many things and to say it is simply harder to lose 10 pounds versus 110 doesn't make sense to me. However, is it a different set of challenges? Yes. So, in that way it could be hard for an individual who has to make specific changes, just like me having to make lifestyle changes and work on my emotional issues. That is hard, but that isn't everyone.
I do think you should have a heart to heart with her about how she expressed her view. She may not realize how her thoughts came out to you.
It is an apple and orange debate, it just "looks" similar because it's discussing the same subject (but only apparently).
Is it harder or a millionaire or a poor person to lose nearly everything (s)he owns?
Is it harder to lose a spouse to death or to infidelity/divorce?
Most of us would agree that it's probably not appropriate for those people to compare their problems (at least competitively) with the other.
Compared to the topic of weight loss, it is (I believe) more obviously cruel and inappropriate for a widow to say "At least your husband is still alive - and you at least have the chance to get him back, if you want to" - or for the divorcee to say "At least your husband left you unwillingly."
The orange is likely to be hurt, feeling discredited and discounted when he or she hears the apple complaining about how much "harder" the apple has it than the orange. The same is true of the reverse. The apple doesn't want to hear the orange complain on the subject either.
Also, even if a person does feel that they may actually have the better situation - they're bound to get defensive if someone makes it an accusation. "You are so lucky because of x." Most people want to say "Hey, my life's no picnic, either," rather than "why yes, you're correct I'm a lucky @#$% aren't I?"
Complaing or "venting" to give it a more positive spin - is contagious. Vent in a social situation, and you're going to hear others venting too - either agreeing with you, or venting their own problems - which may or may not be similar.
It's generally been assumed that group kvetching is negative and damaging. We should "avoid" participating in the "negativity," but a recent study (darn it, can't remember the source - I need to write these things down when I read them) found that for most people it's actually a stress reliever (up to a point).
But, back to the original point, I think the only way for an apple and an orange to have peace in these discussion is to either avoid the subject, or acknowledge the other "fruit's" feelings while communicating their own.
"It must be really hard to see me complaining about "only" losing 2 lbs this week, when you're struggling to lose a quarter of a pound. It's hard for me to understand why 10 lbs is so important to you, because I would be so happy to "only" have 10 lbs to lose, and when you say your extra weight is "gross" it makes me feel like you must consider me really disgusting.
Just like kvetching - sympathy and empathy are contagious too. It's often much more effective than confronting. If you were to only say the last statement (in bold) above - the person may see your point of view, or they may feel attacked - but if you start with a sympathetic statement, they're more likely to understand why you were hurt - and they're more likely to see and really understand your point of view better too. You'll both be more likely to see the similarities as well as the differences in your struggles, and hopefully be able to be supports to the other rather than opposition.
Is it the same? It's weight loss no matter the amount, so yes, in a sense.
I'm actually the perfect person to ask this question to. I was effortlessly naturally thin up until depression struck a year ago. I used to eat at least 3000 calories a day, but since I'm tall I stayed thin anyway. I'd walk a few times a week and maintain a great figure while pigging out.. I ate like someone three times my size would eat.
When the depression hit, something changed and I gained about thirty-five pounds. My best friend and I decided to lose weight together two months ago. She's got a longer way to go than me, and her weight seems to melt off in comparison. Do I think it's easier for her? In some ways, yes. She eats a lot more than I do and loses a lot more than I do.
I have about twenty pounds left to lose now, and as a person who was effortlessly thin while eating a gross amount of calories before, it's as hard for me as it is for her. When I stopped fitting in my clothes at first and started getting stretch marks, I had such self-loathing that I could barely get by day to day. I'm attractive too, and it's always been a (sadly too big) part of my identity. So as someone who has never had more than a (relatively) "few" pounds to lose, I found gaining that amount to be hard on me and losing it to be even harder.
Losing that last little bit is a "lifestyle" change as much as losing one hundred pounds. Weight loss always is if you're doing it the right way.
Be understanding of your friend, don't minimalize her struggle. You never know what's going on in her head, and at the end of the day you two just need to support each other. My best friend and I are always happy for each other, and our goals are very different. Also keep in mind that people are rarely as critical of others as they are of themselves. Her extra ten may look disgusting on her, but I'm sure she's not even paying attention to your extra thirty in remotely the same way, if at all. Hope that helps.
Last edited by qqforweightloss; 11-03-2009 at 04:51 AM.
As a featherweight, I have experienced that the important thing is what maintainers always remind us, to establish healthy habits that you can maintain for the rest of your life. I think the approach I'm taking this time is not focused on losing the weight but on changing the way I eat in a sustainable way so the pounds slowly melt off until I reach a stage where I'm happy with what I look and how I feel.
In my opinion, people with less to lose have to find a healthier maintenance mode than the one they already have. I do not know if this is harder than losing a lot of weight, I think is different.
I think I'll call her on her "10 lbs is gross" because if she thinks 10 lbs is gross what the heck does she really think of my extra 35 pound spare tire around my gut?!
The blog AlreadyPretty has an post on this very subject, and it's really great food for thought:
Hope that helps.
