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Old 11-26-2008, 09:00 AM   #1
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Unhappy Feeling guilty

I got a call yesterday that my step-dad had a massive stroke. His health was very poor as it was and we are not sure if he will make it through this. I really need to get home to be with my mom. While I really do love my step-dad and want and need to be there with my mom some part of my self centered brain started panicking over how I was going to eat properly if I'm at the hospital or anywhere really. My family does not know how to eat healthy or clean. I also wondered if it was wrong to ask for a travel pass from the gym in case I had any time to work out while i was there. I also worry about the booze. I know if he passes it will be a big part of the wake. I know I don't have to drink but I've wanted one since we got the call, just to numb the pain you know (but I've held strong). I just don't want to undo everything I have worked hard for so far. I know it would take a ton of food and booze to put back on the 20 something pounds I've lost so far, but even gaining 5 pounds back for me would be close to devastating. This is going to be very difficult. I left a lot of baggage in that town. When I finally got out I didn't just leave the town or the state, I left the country. Going back there brings back so many things I tried to leave behind. I honestly feel like to survive there, even just for a short time that I will need lots of food, booze, and drugs. Please don't judge me for that. I have come a long ways in nine years. I have a whole new life. The drugs are no longer a part of my life and booze hasn't really been either for a number of years. I just feel like I'm about to walk out of my safe place back into my old life. I'm scared. And every time I have gone back for any reason I have started smoking again. I don't know why I feel like I need a "crutch" just to be there.

I'm a stronger person now. I know I can get through this and stay clean. I think I just needed to purge my guilty thoughts. I feel so bad with him lying there and my mother going through all of this and here I am thinking of ME!

Thanks for listening to my rant, vent, guilt.
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Old 11-26-2008, 09:06 AM   #2
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Ah man, I would come with you if I could!!!

I certainly think you should ask for a pass to a gym while you are there. You need a way to get away from it all when you are there and going to the gym is a much better idea then the alternatives you mentioned. But don't beat yourself up. Life happens and weight gain (at least for some of us) is sometimes going to be associated with that.

Just really try to stick with plan, and I'm so sorry for these problems!!!
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Old 11-26-2008, 09:11 AM   #3
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I'm sorry for what you and your family is going through.

I'm sorry you have to go back to a place with such awful memories and I admire your strength. I'm not sure I could be so strong in your shoes and you are not being selfish at all, you are being brave and generous to do this.

Cling to the behaviors. You know what to do. Most hospitals have salad bars and sandwich bars. Get the gym pass. Taking care of your body is not selfish!!! It is responsible. Write down your plans for food/drink/smokes/drugs and pull it out and read it when you are tempted. You still might make a different choice than you had planned, but then again, you might not.

Remember, 3FC is here for you no matter where you are. We're just an internet connection away.
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Old 11-26-2008, 11:07 AM   #4
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

I agree with the others that you should get the gym pass and just do your best. Use the gym as your crutch a little if you need to - I know for me when I'm stressed, angry, hurting, whatever ... somtetimes going to the gym and just working off those emotions helps. I can't count the number of times I've cried my way through 30 mins of HIIT on the elliptical. Thank god I sweat a lot - that way no one knows I'm crying.

Hang in there and know we're all supporting you here!!!

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Old 11-26-2008, 11:21 AM   #5
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Absolutely - use the gym pass.
I remember getting off the plane, coming home for my grandfather's funeral, and one of my mother's best friends met me at the gate with a large whiskey and soda, in a sippy cup.
However, if the booze and drugs start calling your name, you can always look up Alcoholics Anonymous in the phone book, where they have people who can talk you through this. You don't have to be a member to get some support in times of stress, you just need to not want to use today.
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Old 11-26-2008, 12:10 PM   #6
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Hi Gloria,
Don't feel guilty. The best thing you can do is be good to yourself. That way you can support your mother in which ever way you think she needs. Being the best and strongest you can be is what both you and your family will benefit from.
My thoughts are with you, hugs.
Tam
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Old 11-26-2008, 12:16 PM   #7
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I am so sorry for your loss. My children have lost three of their four great-grandmothers in the last 12 months. It has been a difficult year in the grief department for both my and my husband's families.

You can do this. You will do this. You have made a decision...actually it sounds like you have made a series of decisions...to take better care of yourself and get your life on track. Get the gym pass, hit the hospital salad bar if they have one, they usually have yogurt, banana and cereal you could mix together for a quick meal -- sometimes they even have semi-healthy dinners like baked chicken, green beans, a small portion of rice or potatoes, etc.

Just do your best and be kind to yourself. This will not last forever...and even if you do put on a couple of pounds, this is the rest of your life. Those two pounds WILL come back off once you get back to your routine and your "real" life -- not the old one you are being forced back to temporarily. Just try to stay true to who you are NOW -- not that old person, with her old hang-ups, weaknesses, etc. You have grown...so let that grown-up out a little -- she can help you.

Oh, and being a little selfish is NOT a bad thing in these situations. Support your family the best you can, but we are each responsible, ultimately, for ourselves. So do not feel bad for wanting to take care of yourself...you deserve it...you have worked very hard to make the person you are a better, smarter, healthier human being -- there is NOTHING wrong with wanting to protect her from influences you know are damaging and dangerous to who you are becoming.
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Old 11-26-2008, 01:59 PM   #8
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Inspired, I agree with what others have said. Do what you have to do to stay healthy. Go but leave for a bit as needed. Get out for walks, to the gym. etc.
If you can do this, you will be stronger for it. And if it doesn't go well, you know its not your fault and you can forgive yourself if you are not "perfectly" on plan for a bit.
Best wishes.
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Old 11-26-2008, 03:42 PM   #9
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Gloria,

Others have said it all and beautifully. I just want to add my hugs and good wishes. Take care of yourself, if you don't you can't be there for your mom or anyone else. Hang in there...this too shall pass.
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Old 11-26-2008, 04:49 PM   #10
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you know what you have to do right? go
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Old 11-26-2008, 05:44 PM   #11
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How timely.

My beloved stepfather died on Saturday following complications from surgery. He had a tumor on his kidney and needed it removed. The surgery last Monday went beautifully, but he had a pulmonary embolism the day after the surgery (after he'd gotten up and taken a little walk) that led to a massive coronary and he never recovered. They finally disconnected his life support on Friday afternoon and he slipped away from us.

I flew from San Diego on Friday night - I am in Texas with my mom, where I need to be. I have no car (so no way to get any healthier options), people are bringing by all kinds of food and I am eating whatever is put in front of me (within reason). I've had lasagna, beef stroganoff, waffles, cookies, ham, red wine chocolate truffles, nuts (so far I have managed to resist a piece of dutch apple pie and croissants).

This has really helped me put my weight loss into perspective. What IS important - my mom, my family. We've spent the weekend laughing, crying and telling Tom stories - it has been wonderful and my weight has been the smallest blip on my mind.
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Last edited by Glory87 : 11-26-2008 at 05:47 PM.
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Old 11-26-2008, 06:21 PM   #12
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I am sorry for what you are going through. I too agree with everyone to get the gym pass. Just remember to stay strong and that you will get through this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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Old 11-26-2008, 07:27 PM   #13
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GLORIA and GLORY I am sorry for both of your losses you have had with the death and stroke of your step-fathers

Gloria, life does get in the way of our journey of successes! It always will. You have proven over time that you do not need those vices as a crutch. You have proven over time with success that you are stronger than that. Focus on what is important....being with family as Glory said.

Keep yourself busy....feel no guilt! As mentioned by MidWife we are only an internet post away.

You are in my prayers
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