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Coming to Terms with the New Me

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Old 04-09-2007, 09:19 PM   #1
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Default Coming to Terms with the New Me

To date I have gone from 276 to 189 a weight I have not been at for nearly 10 years. Everyone keeps saying how happy I must be, how good it must feel, etc... But more days then not I am depress and scared.

Loosing wieght has not made me more confident. I think my loose skin is disgusting and there is no way to afford surgery. I have been on WeightWatchers for a year and a half, and the last 4 months have struggled to loose even 5 pounds.

This is in large part because I don't know if I want to. I have spent my entire life hiding behind the fat. Using it as an excuse as to why I am single, why I don't do sports, why I am not outgoing. But if the fat is gone, and men still aren't interested, I still am a homebody, then I have to question, am I just not worth noticing?

Has anyone else had to deal with this emotional turmoil? Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
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Old 04-09-2007, 10:01 PM   #2
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YES. The turmoil is crazy and no one really understands how weird it is to be one size, then to completely change it around and be a lot smaller. Everyone similarly tells me how happy I must be, and I do have mixed emotions.

However, I think that as to the men not noticing, it may be more a problem of self-confidence than of body weight, no matter what your size was. Unfortunately, self confidence doesn't come automatically with weight loss...its a separate issue entirely. Do you have the resources to speak with a counselor about it? Even some self-help books on confidence, if thats your thing, might help. Men are attracted mostly to confident women, so if your confidence isn't there, it can be more important than weight in that regard.

Everyone is worth noticing. The next part of the battle will be convincing YOURSELF that you are worth noticing...others will follow.
Goal Met - 10/28/07 - My Progress Picture Collage - My Goal Story - Where Have I Been?

No matter how slow you go, you're still lapping everyone on the couch!

Maintained Oct 2007-Sept 2011, then got pregnant. Our baby boy was born in May, 2012...now to lose the baby weight!!
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Old 04-09-2007, 10:09 PM   #3
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The inner turmoil is very hard. I dont know who I am if I am not "a bit heavy", being overweight has been so much of a comfort at times. You can blame a lot on it.
A whole lot of setbacks. Starting over.

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Old 04-09-2007, 11:07 PM   #4
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I feel it too. I have spent almost my whole lifetime overweight and it is a struggle to figure out who I am without the fat.
It can be so difficult figuring out who one truly is without something that has defined one for so long.
And it is confusing trying to figure out if men are attracted to you and when they are being a bit questionable as to whether they would have liked you before.
It isn't easy chica.
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:08 PM   #5
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I believe Mandalinn hit the nail on the head. Confidence has a lot more to do with men noticing than weight does. My best friend (sounds so high school, doesn't it?) is a beautiful woman. She probably weighs 250#, and wears about a 20-22. Men drop at her feet. Through the years, no matter what size either of us has been, she has had them swarming around her, and I know that it is because she exudes self confidence. She's comfortable in her own skin, no matter what shape that skin is in at the moment! So, my advice to you is for you to put on an aire of self confidence, even though you may not be feeling it yet. It will snowball. If you project that image, you will begin getting more positive attention, and then your self confidence will grow, and on and on and on.....think viscious cycle, only in a good way!
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8~8~06 Journey Started, 246 lbs.
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:11 PM   #6
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I too also believe confidence is the key. I have a friend who thinks her weight is to blame, when realistically, men would adore her if she'd just be a bit more outgoing and confident.
Art is man's nature, nature is God's art.

- Phillip James Bailey
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:48 PM   #7
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You are down in weight to where you were 10 years ago? It takes time to get used to that much of a change--a year may not be enough. The skin may improve over time, but no one knows for sure how much. But if you are patient, you may feel better and look better. "This too shall pass."

Don't worry about men at the moment; worry about YOU. Don't let your "head talk" make you discouraged--you've been doing great! Give it time! Don't give up!

"My religion is kindness." --His Holiness the Dalai Lama

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Old 04-10-2007, 01:17 AM   #8
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Oh my goodness, I do know what you mean.

I've gone from 295 to 175. The last time I was non-obese was over 20 years ago (in college). I just don't know what to think sometimes.

I lost the first 100 pounds pretty steadily, then slowed a bit, and then totally stalled at 179. I was sabotaging my weight loss and getting discouraged. I decided that it was time to stop worrying so much about the scale and take a "maintenance break".

Being at my smallest weight in 20 years really IS an achievement. Even if I never get smaller I have reclaimed my life.

So, maybe it's time to not focus so much on losing! Figure out how to just maintain the new weight you have and give yourself time to adjust.

You also might want to check out the Maintainers' Forum. You've lost a lot of weight and want to KEEP it off -- these are the ladies who know all about it -- and all of these issues you're dealing with. You do NOT need to be a Maintainer to post there (though, you're already maintaining a big loss!)

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Old 04-10-2007, 01:22 AM   #9
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As others have said, I think confidence is key. You should be so proud of yourself for what you've accomplished. The weight may be coming off slower, but your body is probably "reshaping" and you're probably gaining muscle and losing fat. I seriously doubt anyone else notices the lose skin. And, don't be surprised as time goes on that it does firm up. Skin is elastic and it just might "bounce back."

This will sound really stupid, but it can help with confidence. Every morning when you are getting ready, look in the mirror and say something positive about yourself. It can be anything from "My hair looks awesome", "My butt looks good in these jeans", to "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and darn it, people like me." Like I said, it sounds stupid, but it's helped me out on many a day!

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Old 04-10-2007, 01:31 AM   #10
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It's also hard...because you're still in the mindset of "fat girl." I was on a diet last year..got down 20 lbs in the begining of December. Shopping for clothes was wierd. I would pick the size I thought was right, get to the dressing room, and it would be HUGE on me! Because I still saw my body the way it had been 20 lbs heavier.

Like jenjen said, look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say "Damn, I look hot." Even if don't believe it. Find something you like about yourself and build from there.

Men are attracted to how you feel about yourself a whole lot more than how you look.
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Old 04-10-2007, 10:47 AM   #11
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First off, congratulations on your weight loss - that is quite an accomplishment! I think what you're feeling is what magazines and books are constantly warning us - do not fall into the trap of believing that losing weight will fix everything else in your life. You body is thinner, but that won't heal any of the emotional hang-ups. Those hang-ups likely contributed to your becoming overweight in the first place. Being fat is often thought to be a "shield" against the world, an excuse for not putting yourself out there. Now that you don't have that shield, of course you're feeling vulnerable.

I agree, you need to develop some self-esteem and some confidence. Take baby steps to make you feel better about yourself.... Take a class in something you're interested in, and develop a talent. Do some meaningful volunteering. Try a new hairstyle, get a pedicure. Anything that makes you feel good about yourself, be it looks-related or not.
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Old 04-10-2007, 11:08 AM   #12
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Hi Prairie Pixie!

Congratulations on your weight loss!

I'm sorry that you don't feel better about yourself since losing it, though!

Loose skin, struggling to get more pounds to melt away, feeling depressed and anxious...YES! I can say that I have felt ALL of those things and continue to feel them from time to time.

Hiding behind the fat or THINKING that we are hiding behind our fat can be a very real daily occupation! For me, I almost felt that getting older = getting heavier! It was like an identity thing! How wrong I was to think that way!

I have found that I have to take care of myself. I have to be selfish and care for my own needs. Even though I am married and have children, I cannot count on my family to look out for ME! For too many years of my life I did for everyone else. I lost myself. When that happened, I started gaining weight. Stress and responsibilities forced me into a role that did nothing to help ME. It was only when I began to look out for myself, SAY NO, let others do things rather than ME do them all, that I was able to CARE ENOUGH about myself to begin to learn how to LOVE MYSELF!

I believe that we all need to first LOVE OURSELVES! It may sound strange, but I don't think many of us HAVE loved ourselves very much! If we HAD loved ourselves, we wouldn't have gained all these pounds of weight and carried them around with us for so long!

I hope that you will begin to love yourself and that you will see what an amazing accomplishment you have made. I hope that in loving yourself you will discover the joy that can be found in life. You WILL meet a special someone, but you will find him faster if you love yourself FIRST!!

God bless you!

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Old 04-10-2007, 11:11 AM   #13
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PrairiePixie said: "But if the fat is gone, and men still aren't interested, I still am a homebody, then I have to question, am I just not worth noticing?"

PP, I haven't always been heavy at all. In fact, when I was younger - before I got married - I was quite slim, and I actually stayed that way more than not throughout the years I was married to my first husband. There were times when the weight would creep up, and I'd find myself ten - and sometimes even twenty - pounds heavier than I liked, but I would go "on a diet" and lose it rapidly. I wasn't heavy, but I had the same perceptions about myself and men that you seem to have. I didn't think of myself as attractive, and didn't think that they thought of me that way, even though now, when I look at old pictures of myself, I have to say I was pretty danged smashing! My then-husband thrived on my low self-esteem, and had me thinking that I was lucky to have him (even though he slept around almost from the day we were married) and that if HE didn't want me, then NOBODY would.

It FINALLY changed when I made up my mind YEARS TOO LATE that I didn't CARE whether anybody else wanted me or not. I FINALLY realized that if I was going to ever be happy, it was ME who was going to make me that way - not anybody else! I got divorced, I struggled for a while financially, but I started pursuing some of the things I'd always had an interest in - art, sculpting, a few little trips here and there (nothing glamorous or expensive; a drive down to visit an old friend in Virginia, another trip down to see my sister in North Carolina...sometimes just drives around the New England countryside all by MYSELF and walks through old cemeteries reading the epitaphs... something else I've always found fascinating.

But my point is that I began to focus on me - not on what anybody thought of me, or the impression I was making, or if anybody (a <gulp> MAN) found me attractive. And, the more things I found to take an interest in, the more interesting I became - to ME!

And, a funny thing happened on my way to making myself happy - OTHER PEOPLE began to be attracted to me. Seems like once I stopped caring whether they were interested or not, they got interested! Ironic, eh?

Pixie, my advice is to stop worrying about measuring up to anybody else. Stick to your diet because it's good for YOU, not because of how it will affect anybody else. Find things that YOU like, and DO them....occupy yourself with things that interest YOU, and with no other motive than that they interest you.

I think you'll be very, very surprised with what happens next.

(PS...the mirror trick doesn't hurt, either....pick out what you like and focus on that; fahgeddabout the rest )

Good luck, sweetie!


"Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, 'OH CRAP, SHE'S UP!'"
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Old 04-10-2007, 07:32 PM   #14
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Thank you one and all, it helps to know I am not the only one who has felt this way. It isn't just the men thing, tho that is a large part of it (even when I was younger and MUCH thinner men didn't ever seem to notice me much), I guess I need to come to terms with feeling that I am worthy of loosing the weight and looking good. And not let other peoples thoughts (or perceived thoughts) get to me.

I really appreciate all of your support. I have tried some of the positive self talk stuff (the mirror thing) and it does work sometimes. I think what I need to do is allow myself to maintain for a while, accept where I am at and then loose the next 20-30 pounds.

I think you are all right in that I need to work on my confidence, and let myself learn to love ME. Its so hard when everyone knows I am working on loosing the wieght, and everyone expects me to be dileriously happy about it. Anyway I think I am rambling.

Long story short I am glad I have found you guys
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