[TobeyToe]

Manage Your Negative Habits: Eliminate Your Payoffs

by Sharon House, DCH, MCC

Earlier this year, Dr. Phil McGraw, the author of "Life Strategies" sat down with four women on Oprah to talk about why they haven't been able to take their excess weight off. It was music to my ears… here, finally, was someone talking about what I have said for years… to manage your life, eliminate your payoffs and you'll manage your weight.

Exactly the same thing applies when it comes to managing negative habits. So often I hear folks talk about wanting to eliminate habits but complaining that they can't get themselves to follow through. They feel frustrated, overwhelmed, angry with themselves for their 'lack of willpower' to stick to the agreements they have made with themselves. What they don't realize is that it has nothing at all to do with willpower! It's not even the behavior change that frightens them as much as the thought of what it might entail, along the way, to get what they want!

We are not random creatures. Everything we do, we do for a reason. Everything we do has a payoff of some sort that at some level serves us. We may not consciously be aware of what the payoff is , but "it" is there waiting to be discovered and uncovered. It will be discovered only if we are willing to shine the light inwardly and admit the unvarnished truth - "I am a procrastinator (or _____________fill in the blank with your negative habit) and will remain a procrastinator (or_________________fill in the blank) as long as there is a payoff for me in doing so!"

The truth is most people work much harder at hanging on to what they currently have than moving towards taking the (often) courageous actions and risks that may be necessary to start working hard at finding solutions and creating strategies to get them what they say they truly want.

Think of something you procrastinated about at some time in your life. What finally happened to change your mind and propel you into action? Did you suddenly feel the pain and pressure to "just do it" and get on with your life? Did the thought of the consequences of not taking action become more painful than the thought of continuing to put up with the negative energy drain it was creating in your life?

Anything you want that holds value for you will require that you make a choice between holding on to old negative payoffs or moving towards creating positive new payoffs. Negative payoffs such as feeble excuses, unconvincing rationalizations, flimsy reasons, past painful experiences, negatives attitudes and "fully automated" behaviors (such as nail biting) must be traded for positive payoffs in the form of solutions and strategies that pull you towards creating the long term results you want most. The bottom line is: You gotta lose those old payoffs to gain new, life enhancing ones to get to where you want to be. As Emerson once said, "There is no loss without gain, and no gain without loss."

Creating awareness around the payoff for the behavior is the first step towards resolution. The second step is examining the specific behavior in detail to help foster understanding. With understanding, you can then proceed to the third step of designing and implementing a strategy for change.

One of the key ingredients to long term habit change is learning to live your life in the present, responding to things that are real and not hanging on to your fears of what was (the past) or what might be (the future). When it comes to habit change and management, it is essential that you live in the present and take it one day, even one little success, at a time.

Carpe diem! Seize the day, my friends! And remember, the only thing that ever sits its way to ultimate success is a hen!

Now that you have identified the less than desirable habits, you can begin the detective work of figuring out when, where and how this habit serves you, proceed to finding out what you really want and then figure out ways that will help you meet that need(s) in a healthier, more empowering way.

But remember… these new habits must be habits you want to do and will do on a regular basis. Ready to tackle one? Let me give you an example to get you started.

HABIT: Eating junk food

When do I do this? When I am tired, rushed, stressed, upset, lazy.
Where do I do this? In the car, in front of the T.V., at my desk
How does this serve me? I don't have to think about what is going on in my life, it saves me time, it makes me feel better, it's fast, quick and easy, somebody else does the cooking (instead of me!) so it feels like a break from everyday responsibilities.
How is this habit not serving me? I'm eating extra calories and gaining weight, I get angry with myself, I beat myself up for being so "uncontrolled", I don't feel good, I'm setting a poor example for my kids, I feel out of integrity with myself
What is it that I really want when I am tired?
1. Comfort
2. Privacy
3. Time for myself
What is it that I really want when I am rushed
1. A "breather"
2. Permission to slow down
3. Some relief from such a hectic pace
Got it? Write out your answers to each behavior you identify. Now examine what you have written… look for the clues that will assist you in creating new habits that will serve you in the same way BUT are more positive and life affirming. If you examine the example you'll see that you need to come up with habit behaviors that are not time consuming (you obviously like to save time!); things that feel good and are easy to carry out; something that is nurturing and feels like a break from routine, something that satisfies your need for comfort, privacy and time for yourself.

Now you're ready to start brainstorming other activities for each of the situations where you do this less than desirable behavior.

What could I do that would serve me better when I am tired?

1. Have a power nap
2. Close my eyes for a few minutes and daydream about something I am looking forward to.
3. Listen to soothing, relaxing music

When I am rushed?

1. Give myself permission to take a break and slow down
2. Say "no" (what a novel concept!)
3. Give myself permission to be 10 minutes late and call ahead to let whomever I'm meeting know that I'm on my way.

Get the idea? You'd then go on to brainstorm things you could do when stressed, upset and lazy.

So the first key in changing a habit is knowing where you are right now. The second key is figuring out what you can do to make a shift. The third and most important key of all is actually taking the time to do this exercise, in writing. Doing it in your head just won't give you the results you want long term.

The interesting part of this "habit changing" process is that as you figure out what really triggers the undesirable habit, you'll end up making changes in other parts of your life as well! Now that's getting a big bang for your buck J!

Happy Habit Breaking!