Quote:
Originally Posted by trinamariah
I can get through the morning and early afternoon fine, but my self-control starts to waver around suppertime and I always binge. Once I get a single bite of food in that period of time, I lose all control and go crazy. I don't feel bad during the feeding frenzy, in fact, if my sister points out (like she did tonight) that maybe I shouldn't be eating so much, I stuff more food into my face to show her that I'm in control of my own eating habits (but obviously I'm NOT doing a stellar job of that).
"Get through" - Implies that you are suffering, and not facing it.
"Self-control" - Implies that you are controlling food because you are out of control.
"Lose all control" - Implies that your inner self is rebelling, and your outer self cannot seem to stop it.
"Go crazy" - Implies that your outer self is making a judgement against your inner self, essentially calling it bad. Your inner self is rebelling for a reason. It's a real part of you. Your inner self is feeling intense emotions, which are driving you to food (sounds like food and emotion have become entangled for you).
You're also rebelling against your sister, when it would be helpful to learn boundaries and assertiveness techniques to create a necessary distance. The passive-aggressive behavior of bingeing to punish someone else is only hurting you. Find another way to assert yourself that is healthy and honest. Be honest with yourself. Learn to face your emotions, separate them from food, and you will be successful. You can feel. You just can't eat when you're not physically hungry (stomach growling).
Rebellion happens because your emotions are tied to food, and by saying you can't eat, you are essentially saying you can't feel. Keep saying that enough, and the feelings that are held back build and build until you explode, and that's why you went crazy and ate too much. But, if you can learn to feel your emotions in the absence of food, you can bend and shift naturally without it, and food itself goes back to what it ought to be: something to fill the emptiness in your stomach, not the emptiness in your heart.