Well, it's not a "cheat meal" per say, but I wasn't sure what else to call it in the thread title.
I've been instructed to up my sugar intake for a few days in order to prepare my body for a 3-hour glucose test on Monday. The sample menu for the days leading up to it initially freaked me out! I basically have to boost up my simple carbs by eating sugary items and drinking (gulp) regular soda. Those have been on my no-no list for so long! Part of me was slightly afraid of getting addicted all over again over the course of three days, part of me has been wanting to relax a little anyway and enjoy the indulging while I can. Depending on the results of the test I'll likely be working with a dietitian and be put on a very strict diet plan for several months. And while I'm all for working with someone that knows nutrition while under a doctor's care, I was slightly nervous about actually eating sugar for this thing.
I thought about going to Subway for one of my usual sandwiches at lunch, and instead of my bottled water or plain iced tea to go with it, having a (gasp!) regular soda. And also instead of my usual apple slices, I thought I'd have a cookie. That feels weird and wrong after so avidly avoiding added sugar for such a long time, but it's what my doctor instructed me to do, right? And as I was driving out of the neighborhood for my lunch, something compelled me to turn away from Subway instead of toward. Out of nowhere I really, really wanted a Baja Blast soda, which is exclusive to Taco Bell. Now I do very occasionally order one taco as a treat to go, but I haven't actually sat down in a Taco Bell to eat a whole meal in at least a year and a half, let alone have anything even resembling a Baja Blast. I used to work at one of the restaurants way back in the day, and I used to eat lunch or dinner from a food court location almost daily back when I had a job at the mall. I never got sick of it, surprisingly enough.
Anyway, what I ordered was a little higher-calorie than what I usually have for lunch, but I've still got plenty left for the day (and yeah, don't remind me about the sodium). Something that struck me as odd was knowing that I used to order and eat so much more for each trip than what I had today, and what struck me as even more odd was how I felt when I walked up to the counter to order.
I actually felt self-conscious about ordering! I'm absolutely sure it wasn't the case at all but that old, horrid feeling of being judged for what I was ordering came creeping back. No doubt it was just a relapse of how I used to feel every time I ordered a gigantic meal while realizing by far that I was typically the largest person in the entire restaurant. Regardless of being a more "normal" size now, I had just as much right to be there as everyone else, although deep inside it certainly didn't feel like it. But at the same time, I ate my food slowly and enjoyed every bite of it (so yes, I apparently still enjoy that crap). And when my husband called during the meal, instead of continuing to eat like I normally would in a completely distracted state, I paused to enjoy talking to him, and didn't return to my food until after I hung up. Had I continued eating while talking on the phone, it wouldn't have even registered in my head, let alone give me the chance to enjoy it.
And while I did indeed enjoy myself, I realized that quite thankfully I don't have the same sense of entitlement over food that I used to. I used to go into near panic attacks if I couldn't have a treat at every single meal. And by "treat," I really mean some sort of excess indulgence. Extra fries, extra chips, extra cheese, extra portions, you name it. Say I wanted a slice of cake; even as a kid I'd fret if someone happened to get a negligibly larger slice than me and until relatively recently, I didn't even realize it was an issue I was still having as an adult. Hǝll, it even used to drive me nuts when someone else didn't finish their plate (figure that one out)! What is that, some form of OCD? Instead I've switched my mindset out to letting others have the larger slice (literally or metaphorically), of not needing the extra portions or even not needing to finish my plate in order to be satisfied, as I've had to learn that either having a quarter of an inch more than someone else or trying to outright stuff myself is not what I need for physical and emotional satisfaction. I do need food as fuel of course, but I've found I can enjoy it and actually be satisfied along the way without excess. It's a huge lesson that's taken a lifetime to learn and it's one I'm hoping I can hang onto. I've also learned that I don't need crap for every meal, but that I can occasionally have some without guilt, like I did today. It doesn't have to be a big deal as long as I stick with the overall picture of eating healthy 90% of the time and mindfully 100% of the time.
So anyway, I indulged in my small portions and had some excess sugar, and will be doing so all weekend, without guilt since I do plan on eating healthy throughout most of it (aside from the required added sugar). And when Monday rolls around, I'll be looking forward to a fresh start, whether it's a strict new diet from the doctor or going back to the healthier eating habits that I'd formed and thrived on in the past year. I'm continuing to log my food and even bought a new day planner to continue the logging I've been doing since March 2012 (my old book is almost filled now).
Many of you know that I'm on maintenance break anyway . . . everything's going great so far (aside from the possible blood sugar issues) and I got to hear the baby's heartbeat yesterday! I'm not sure how much I'm actually showing but I'm in the second trimester now and am embracing clothes that show off my tummy (which was big before I even got pregnant, lol). I bought a lot of great new shirts at the thrift store that should get me by for several months. Things are going well and I'm looking forward to all the changes I'm going through in this year and the next.