Actual Headilines Collected by Journalists:

POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED

DRUNK GETS SIX MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE

SURVIVOR OF SIAMESE TWINS JOINS PARENTS

FARMER BILL DIES IN HOUSE

IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

SOVIET VIRGIN LANDS SHORT OF GOAL AGAIN

BRITISH LEFT WAFFLES ON FALKLAND ISLANDS

LUNG CANCER IN WOMEN MUSHROOMS

EYE DROPS OFF SHELF

TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

REAGAN WINS ON BUDGET, BUT MORE LIES AHEAD

SQUAD HELPS DOG BITE BICTIM

ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AXE

This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"

She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and
jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ***?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Good ones, girls.

Those were great Kat!
I loved the one about the 45 year old ***!
ROFLMAO!

Hey! Why isn't this called Scotch and Humor anymore? What if I need to tell a story about a drink and a worm?

Here's one... I love it.

...........

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet
pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who
comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she signals him to bring his face
closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently
caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his
face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him" she
says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is
there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she
continues, running her forefinger across the
bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender barely manages
to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper,
hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room

Love it!

Gross!

OHMIGOD! I LOVE IT!! I just sent that to everyone I know! Thanks ellis!

ps...I like "Scotch and Humour" too...

oh yeah...AND the thread with the same name!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the, performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

~~~~~~~
Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Please also remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance the system performance.

I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of the hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support

okay , okay, the next one will be "Scotch and Humour", Sheesh! But no one was talking about Scotch anymore ....

true...but the holidays are almost upon us...lots of opportunities to imbibe!
and discuss...

We're teasing you, Mauvais. We love you.

Love that one, Kat.

Mrs. Hennessy was taking a bath when she heard a knock at the front door. "Who's there?" she called out. "A blind salesman," came the answer. Thinking it would be entirely proper, she went to the front door without a stitch on her. Murphy stepped inside and said, "Here's the blinds you ordered. Where shall I put them?"

"What a lovely cow you have there Dermot", says Finnigan, "I particularly like its colour, I do, I do". Dermot replies, "It's a Jersey". "Oh pardon me, I tort I was lookin' at its skin".

Mary Kelly is 93. She was walking down the road, a walking stick in each hand, and she's shaking all over, almost unable to walk. She turned into the "Sex Toys Boutique" and yelled to the sales girl behind the counter, "How the **** do I turn this damn vibrator off?".

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home!

Exercise 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast
between the door and the main box. Have one of your
strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the
door for good measure. Hold that position for five
seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again,
in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

Exercise 2:

Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off
your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

Exercise 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an
appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again!!


CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your Mammogram!

And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!

P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!


PC disclaimer: The preceding joke is IN NO WAY enouraging anyone to skip the ol' mammo because of these EXAGGERATED claims...Suck it up, do yourself and your boobs a favor and get them checked regularly!