I've been with my husband for over 5 years, married to him for a little over 2. And in my opinion, it's always been a good relationship. We've had our ups and downs, laughs and tears. He's always made me want to be the best person I could be, and has always inspired me. I've always looked up to him. He's been my best friend. I'm going to try to explain this as best I can....
We moved in together after we got married. I went away on a business trip for 2 weeks and came back to find a really nasty internet history on his computer. (porn) I was shocked and hurt and appalled. It was our first fight. I explained to him how it made me feel (those women are thin and 'perfect' and i had body image issues to begin with without him looking at that etc.) and he explained to me that he used it as a stress relief and looking at that was just what he needed to 'get off.' I asked him to stop and he said he wouldn't. He did cut back on the amount he watched it, but never completely stopped. Once I found that internet history, I became sort of hooked on 'spying' on his internet history. Through a bit of digging I found a hidden file on his computer where he kept a collection of porn. This file actually required a certain code to be typed out on the terminal of the computer so he definitely wanted it hidden. This just obsessed me even more....why would he hide it? More confrontation....he was mad I was invading his privacy, he didn't see anything wrong with looking at porn. Looking back, I just led a sheltered life and was never really exposed to that sort of thing until then so that's why I was so shocked....it REALLY isn't a big deal to look at porn. I struggled to stop looking at his history, and occasionally looking at the hidden file to see if there were any additions. One day I found an addition. It was a real life picture of a woman, she was sitting on a bathroom sink in lingerie in the mirror using her cellphone as the camera. I completely freaked...I confronted him when he came home and found out it was a co-worker that he had worked with right before we got married and moved. They had been keeping in touch through phone calls (while I was at work and he never saw the need to mention it to me) and he had asked for a picture (not specifying what kind of pic he says) and that's the one she sent. I asked him how I was supposed to trust him when not only did he get a picture form another woman, but he never said 'hey i'm married and you shouldn't be sending me these kinds of pictures' but he SAVED it in a HIDDEN FILE. He apologized, agreed that he was being stupid and promised he wouldn't do it anymore...
Months passed, I was finally moving on...not heartbroken about it anymore...I was finaly coming to terms with the whole porn issue. I was understanding that he wasn't wishing I looked like that and that he was just using it as stress relief and what not. I had weened myself from looking at his computer and his internet history.
I started my weightloss journey in August. Things were going great, I was completely focused on my goal. I had such tunnel vision, that I didn't see or realize i was neglecting him. I was going to bed really early (345am) so I could work out before work and he was staying up late wanting companionship and I was in bed sleeping. One day....something....told me to look at his computer. I just had a feeling that I needed to look....
I found him looking at craigslist personal ads (woman seeking man sorta thing.) He went on a site called chatroulette where you click a button and it connects you to someone else randomly with a webcam. He had actually responded to an ad on craigslist that was basically a girl saying she would flash whoever wanted it. She sent him pictures (which he saved on the hidden file) and they had used aol instant messenger webcam chat a few times and had emailed back and forth a bit. One of the emails was him saying 'those pics you sent me...damn why are you not involved with someone?'
I completely broke down. To me, this is at the very least emotional cheating. I was so hurt, heartbroken....I confronted him about it he didn't deny it I ended up spending the night at a friends house. It was a few days later that we talked and he told me that he felt neglected and had tried to reach out to get my attention but I never realised because I was so focused on my weightloss. I've read some marriage books that explain that a woman's job is to take care of her man and not turn him down for sex because it hurts them and etc. So I understand why he did it...I mean, we had a lot of conversations afterwards. I thought we were doing okay, I thought we were making progress.
Then tonight happened. I'm not even sure how it started, but we ended up talking about our relationship again. He was saying how he wanted me to experiment with other guys because he would like to see that, and I asked him if he wanted to experiment with other women. It basically went that he is depressed, and hates his life right now and he doesn't know who he is or what he wants. He hates himself and he doesn't want to 'hold me back' (his words) from finding someone else or from anything else in life. Because he doesn't know what he wants or 'who he is' he doesn't know if it will entail dating or being with someone else and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore etc etc. I explained to him how I feel about him: I love him with all my heart and with him I feel COMPLETE. I can handle anything with him beside me. I don't want to share him with anyone else.
He said he loves me, I'm a wonderful person, and he wants me in his life.............but he doesn't feel the way that I described. He still feels like something is missing.
My whole world fell apart around my head.....I started crying....we talked some more....I've told him that he's a wonderful person and he's not holding me back from anything. He started crying too (the most/hardest i've ever seen him cry) I can feel his pain....I know what it's like to be depressed and not know yourself. I want to help him, but I don't know what to do. I love him with all that I am and I am so crushed that he doesn't love me the same. Kinda like I love you but i'm not in love with you sort of thing. He wants time to find himself, and since he doesn't know if it might include being with someone else and he doesn't want to hurt me, he wants to try it alone. But he has stressed he still wants me in his life. I tried explaining to him that I've loved him for 5 years of my life and i can't just go to being friends. I would have to cut off communication with him in order for me to be able to heal and move on without the heartbrake. He started absolutely bawling at this. "I DON'T WANNA LOSE YOU. I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE" I mean, my heart broke all over again at seeing the man I love completely break down in tears.
GOD I just don't know what to do! I can't keep getting hurt. Life just seems dark and dreary and MEANINGLESS without him in it. I can barely see straight enough to type I can't stop crying. He's my LIFE my best friend my source of comfort...What am I going to do?
It's almost 2 in the morning and I have to get up at 5 am for stupid work...I doubt I'm going to get any sleep.
thanks for reading