Warning, very long...
I've always been super sensitive about my weight and I always wanted whoever I was with at the time to take me as-is. Anyone who had negative things to say, I always kicked to the curb, but was never actually in love with them.
My boyfriend now says he loves me - and when pushed - will tell me "if i didn't think you were beautiful, I wouldn't be with you" - but also told me "I just don't like wrapping my arms around a girl who is as wide as I am." and " I just don't like fat sex!! " .... and thus, we have had zero intimacy for a very very very long time. Every time I address it (about once a month or so) he tells me that its because I haven't lost weight, despite going to the gym, etc... and will mention diet slip ups, such as taking us both to jack in the box and me getting a meal about once every 2-3 weeks. He will say "THAT aspect of our relationship hasn't changed because the way you look hasn't changed."
I'm hurt and offended, but when I talk about that he always will reply that "thats why i don't like telling you how i feel, because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but...." or he will say that he is tired of my "excuses" (1-2lbs a week is OK with me, etc...) and insists that he can't see any changes and shows me comparison photos of what I looked like 15lbs ago and how I look now.... He explains that I gained weight since we got together (about 15lbs, although - he has.. gained 60 and I haven't said a word other than to invite him to the gym with me) and although I wasn't thin when we got together he was "always just waiting for me to fix that part".
He had made it very clear that he loves me, but isnt sexually attracted to big women, including admitting that its why he hasnt introduced me to some friends and family of his. I went to a drive through that I hadnt been to in about 9 months (but was going to almost daily for a while) with him a few weeks ago and they said "Hi! Haven't seen you in a while!" - of course, I was embarrassed by this - but he said to me "Do you have any idea how humiliating that was for me?" ..... sigh.
Now, I don't know what to do! He has every right to feel that way (i think?) and in a way, part of me thinks he is right. I do have weight to lose, it's probably not very attractive, if i were him, would I want to "do-it" with me? But I also wonder if that isn't just me making excuses for him, maybe allowing something that I shouldn't be allowing and maybe its just my "fat girl insecurity" talking...?
At what point is this OK? When is it OK for your significant other to feel, do (or not do!!!), say etc... these things to you? Granted, I've been saying I'm going to get skinny for YEARS (haven't we all??) but I AM trying - but not like a diet nut. I calorie count, but will be OK with having a surprise slice of pizza... I'm hoping that subtle changes, gym time twice a week, rare fast food, pizza, etc... but not eliminating it COMPLETELY... I just don't know what I can do to be enough or do enough to get the attention that I *need* in the relationship. Not having it makes me feel worse about myself, feel like he is monitoring everything and reminds me that every time he won't wrap his arms around its because i'm "too wide". But - the things he is saying are kind of true. Would you call this tough love or 'tough luck - get out!' ?...
I just don't know whats OK or appropriate at all, nor do I know how to respond besides working even harder and diet restricting even more (which maybe should happen anyway, but I dont want to do it just so he is happier with how I look...?) Also, part of me (the stubborn part) thinks "well, i'm not going to make any changes because I dont want you to think I'm doing this all for you!!!!"
Ideas? Suggestions? Personal Experiences?