So the other day I hopped on the scale and saw I'd officially lost 50lbs! Lately I've been feeling super confident and happy and am starting to reconsider losing another 25lbs(which was my original goal), idk, I'll just wait and see
Anyways my story is a little different. I've struggled with self esteem issues my entire life. I have struggled with eating disorders for years stemming from various issues including body dysmorphic disorder. I'm really angry I wasn't diagnosed with body dys. before I entered treatment for my eating disorders when I was 22, especially since it started manifesting when I was 3 years old. I starting thinking I was fat at 3 or 4 and started having crying fits over feeling ugly and like a monster when I was 5.
Anyways, I spent 4 months in treatment, which were the hardest 4 months of my life. Honestly, I didn't really feel recovered when I left, it was just that the experience was so awful I would have done anything to get out. I still had a total disconnect from my body, but instead of trying to control my body through starvation and vomiting and obsessive beauty routines, I just gave up completely. I didn't care anymore. And I indulged a lot in eating. I felt that there was no way I'd ever be happy with my body, so why even try?
I really ballooned at 23 and gained a TON of weight. I had always been active, but again I was depressed and wasn't doing things that made me happy. Its like I wasn't in any danger of physically dying from harming my body, but I still didn't feel alive. I felt out of control. Also everyone around me was so paranoid I'd relapse they'd just encourage me to indulge.
Finally I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't feel like me.
None of my clothes fit, I had gotten really out of shape, I realized that I needed to do something.
I tried a couple of sites before this one, but none of them clicked. In Feb. 2012 I came on here and started getting active. I started slowly, verrrry slowly. I started exercising. I got really into hiking and eventually my taste buds changed from craving unhealthy things to craving whole foods. I got really into cooking and eventually eliminated most bread, dairy, all prepackaged food, all fast food, chips, crackers desserts ect. Of course I do enjoy the occasional treat, but I really don't think about those things that much anymore. Exercise wise I'm still really into hiking and anything involving the outdoors. I had gotten into heavy lifting for a while, but I honestly HATE being indoors and really don't enjoy strength training, although I've been forcing myself the last month to do more with that
Really though, I didn't make a single change this entire journey that I didn't think I could maintain for the rest of my life.
Ok! So here I am! 50lbs down and feeling GREAT! What's so crazy is I actually feel thin and healthy. I've never felt that way before!!!! Before, it didn't matter how thin I was, I never saw myself that way. But I've worked a lot to get my body dys. under control, and although I still see distorted images, its a lot better. I just have to accept that I can't trust my own judgement on my appearance and try not to freak myself out. I've had the occasional relapse with disordered eating behaviors, but I really think ED is something that is always with you. In treatment they explained that no one really recovers, they just learn how to manage it better. Right now I'm managing really well and have people around me who I've given permission to intervene if they see my acting odd. This actually happened recently with my obsessive weighing so my friend took away my scale for a month, which I was really thankful for.
Anyways, that was like the LONGEST THING EVER! But I've never really gotten to tell my story on here and its kind of different then your average weight loss journey, so hopefully it wasn't too boring
Now PICS! I have a lot so I'm posting the befores in this post and the now in the next!