Hey everyone - thank you for all your thoughtful replies
I'm glad we're talking about it.
Joil - I'm pretty good at just accepting compliments with a "Thank you" and a smile, I don't talk back aloud, just put myself down in my head. But it's true, this is something I had to learn too, and luckily I did a couple of years ago. Good news is - if I could change that habit, maybe I can change my inner critic habit too
kaplods - Interesting point of view you're taking here. It makes me think that I'm being kind of egoistic in thinking that what _I_ think (that I'm fat and/or ugly) is the one-and-only-truth and anyone who thinks otherwise is being slightly delusional ( - but maybe that line of thought isn't promoting self-love either
). I think there's truth to what you're saying though. I commend you for being able to silence that voice of yours, it's encouraging to see that you were able to do it, although you were in a much more dire situation than mine. I'll definitely try and talk back to that inner voice more often and more consistently - and one of the strategies I'll have is definitely focusing on the attributes I _do_ have (pretty hair, finally almost-acne free skin (at 25!), pretty eyes, what-have-you), instead of focusing on the things I find myself lacking in. So - thank you for sharing! Definitely inspirational.
devadia - Let's try this together!
saef - You are so right. Really right. I actually got a Masters degree in Neuroscience, so ... yes, body map rewiring takes a lot of time, and a lot of practice. A lot of practice. (Incidentally, I think one of the things that will help is doing more clearly body-conscious 'exercise', like yoga or tai chi, where the focus is on feeling your body - I went to a couple of yoga classes, but I've yet to really enjoy it). I think one of the things that'll help me actually is focusing on how my body _looks_ rather than thinking about my weight in kgs or lbs. As I said, with effort, I can come to appreciate the way my body looks, so maybe the key is to just put in more conscious effort - like you said, pictures, measurements, reflection.
You're also right about "I'm fat" meaning so much more than just "I think I am carrying excess adipose tissue". It's a plethora of negative connotations that I don't even recall consciously picking up anywhere (societal conditioning, I presume? ...).
I also think there's wisdom in comparing yourself against other versions of "you" instead of other people. No, I won't grow magically bigger breasts, no, my legs won't be longer, no, my waist cannot physically be 24 inches - but so what? I've got what I've got, and I'm making the best of it. I believe that has to do with being more equinanimous with respect to the things you can't change, yet celebrating the things you can (and do) work on.
CherryPie99 - Jen, you've got it nailed down - as many of us, I think I've also fallen prey to the misconception that once I'm thin, I'll be magically pretty.
Kind of a ridiculous concept, if you think about it ... but hey, that's that error-prone, muddling through, totally-not-prepared-for-modernity "brain" of mine
I think we can both learn from what lin43 had to say!
lin43 - Thank you for sharing your insights. That's a beautiful poem, too. I think I get what you're describing - I too want to be relieved of the pressure and the obsession of beauty. I don't want to think about it every day, I don't want to spend my showers ruminating over how much I weighed that day, and if that number was "low enough", I don't want my conversations with people to be all about superficial crap like looks - I want to have a certain positive levity attitude when it comes to my body. You know what I mean? I want to be grateful for my body, I want it to be healthy, I want myself to be happy thinking about it - but I don't want it to occupy so much of my attention. It's kind of ironic that I would say this after dissecting topics of appearance at length on this forum, but I believe that reflected obsession might be the ladder I can toss out some day after I used it.
Don't be ashamed of your old behavior - I'm pretty certain that a lot of women are doing exactly that - seizing up other women. I do it too, and that's also one of the things I wish I wouldn't do.
Quote:
Now, I genuinely recognize someone's physical beauty and can even point it out to my husband, and it's in a completely objective, non-competitive way. I recognize my flaws, but I feel confident in who I am right now.
I'm so glad you can do this
I'll join you there one day.