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Odd side effect of Weight Loss

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Old 01-20-2009, 12:49 PM   #1
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Default Odd side effect of Weight Loss

Ok.. didn't think I would ever have this problem just wonder if anyone else has or is, and what can be done.

I have known my husband for 23 years, been married for 20. Never once has he ever felt jealousy. I am always the one keeping my eye loose women! haha. and many times have felt like maybe he was getting more attention that was appropriate. But now, he is the one that is jealous. and I just have to wonder if it is partly because I am getting more attention from other men. I keep trying to tell him that he will always be my number one... and only.... but we have had some really rough patches lately. He can get down right moody, cranky, we end up fighting..... I don't know how to make him feel secure.

Any thoughts??
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:09 PM   #2
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Sounds like you are doing what you can to make him feel secure. If he still doesn't feel secure then it probably has something to do with himself...and that's something he'll have to figure out on his own.
Obviously he knows you didn't lose weight so you could find someone better and up and leave him. Make sure he knows the reasons you did it. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying some attention from other men...so don't for a second ever feel guilty about that!
My boyfriend has always been somewhat jealous..no matter what size I have been. I've always had male friends more than female and I wasn't changing that when I met him...he doesn't really like to hear about them or hang out with us, but when he gets moody or cranky about it I just tell him if I don't show him that I care enough (because I clearly do) then beat the streets...otherwise just suck it up and quit being a girl! haha It's a wonder he loves me eh...
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:16 PM   #3
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well, that is the other part of it I guess. I have always had guy friends, and my best friend is a guy. Which hasn't bothered him as much when I weighed 215! now that I am in a size 10. he is starting to question my pal. Went and watched the steelers game with him sunday night. My husband hates football. he stayed home. and pouted.

It gets more complicated too, when you are married with 5 kids. I can't really tell him to get over it or hit the streets! haha. I have tried to give him extra special treatment, "nudge, nudge, wink, wink" then he started saying he thought I was only doing that because I felt guilty for my own behavior with other guys! HA! can't win!
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:25 PM   #4
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If you are truly the same person you were before losing weight, then it is his insecurities that HE will have to overcome. No matter what you do, he has the problem to deal with.
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:40 PM   #5
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I think you are just going to have to tell him that you are still you- and it's him who has changed into an insecure person- while you have done all you can- obviously YOU can't convince him otherwise he has nothing to worry about- so he has to find it within himself to "get over" your weightloss.

If he tries to argue with you I'd flat out say "I'm not discussing this matter anymore, I am not doing anything wrong, you have to accept this is how I am and just because I have lost weight doesn't mean I've lost my sense of fidelity."

I guess you could cut seeing your guy friends a bit if you see them a lot.
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Old 01-20-2009, 01:52 PM   #6
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My DH has swings of jealousy. Back 50 lbs ago, (ha ha) if he thought a guy was checking me out it would turn him on. Then other times he gets pouty and whiny about it and says he is afraid I am going to leave him when I lose all this weight. Weird men.
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Old 01-20-2009, 02:30 PM   #7
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Lettie, girl......just be patient. Think of what you would want from him, or what you used to want from him when you were feeling insecure. He will get there......I am sure you two have endured much rougher times. You knw we all have our less than favorable moments in relationships.......and that is why we get married.....marriage helps carry us through the rough spots.

Also, you might want to reassure him the he is not alone.....many men and women feel insecure when their spouse/partner make significant changes in their lives. My DH was kind of nervous when I went back to school, and raised some innocent, but jealous questions about some of the dudes that were part of my study groups. I think they question why we felt the need to make a change, even though they know it is a positive change for us and our relationships. I think they really want to beable to make us happy all the time..........but what they don[t take the time to think about is that we, as women, eveolve over time. Your kids are growing, and you are now finding time to care for yourself, and in time, he will feel more secure about it all.

Now, this part you may not like, as your BFF is a dude........but I can tell you that if my DH's BFF was a woman, I woud NOT be ok with that. I might try for a while to be ok with it....but I woudn't be. Maybe DH is just realizing for himself that he is not ok with it. Maybe he has tried to be the bigger person, but is faling miserably. I don't know, it is just my 2 cednts, but you might want to think about scaling back time spent with BFF. But, really, Lettie....you are the one that knows best. Follow your instincts, and be honest with yourself and DH. And tell him he is a dumba$$ for not taking the extra "attention," in stride and with a smile Time will show him your faithfulness and committment to him. Sometimes, even the strongest of us do weak things and act stupid as EVER. And, Lettie.......you don't have to take $hit from anyone......no matter how many kids you have......you are a strong woman, you can take care of yourself and your kids.....and don't let him forget that. You are going to have to demand his respect on this, and be patient while he adjusts
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Old 01-20-2009, 03:05 PM   #8
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Well said Nicole, I totally agree.
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Old 01-20-2009, 03:28 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by annie175 View Post
If you are truly the same person you were before losing weight, then it is his insecurities that HE will have to overcome. No matter what you do, he has the problem to deal with.
I don't think anyone can be exactly the same person at size 10 that they were at size 20.... or fill in your own numbers there...... that is unrealistic.

Most of us were living with low self esteem, depressed, jealous of the skinny girls. I think a lot of us held back from many activities, especially ones that involved too much physical strain, endurance, or skimpy clothes!

so I am sure I have changed. I would hope so. I am more active, therefor involved in more activities, Like, I used to send the kids with my husband to the skating rink, I didn't want to look like an apple on a stick out there and I really didn't want to fall at that weight. (can you picture the giant in Jack in the Beanstalk? yeah, I thought I would die! ) so I am doing more things, going more places, my self esteem is higher, so it makes me less mousy... ok I never really was too mousy... but you know! and I take better care of myself. the clothes are cuter. the hair is out of the ponytail, make up everyday. I didn't like putting makeup on my fat face. Felt like trying to draw a face on a dinner plate.

bottom line, of course I have changed. but for the better, The thing that has not changed is my love for him. and that is what I need him to realize.
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Old 01-20-2009, 03:29 PM   #10
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Nicole..... I will just catch up with you on FB about this..... haha! good points though as always.
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Old 01-20-2009, 04:56 PM   #11
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Letty - you make really good points about being a different person, have you put these words in his ears? My husband has always been a jealous guy... for a while there when I got heavier he stopped being jealous (stopped caring actually)... well now he's back to his old self, I'm not even allowed to work with boys! I just really put a lot of energy into making sure that he knows he's the one, I don't mention boys' names from work, and I definitely don't spend any time away from him with other boys.

Were you heavy when you guys met? Do you find that you are a different person, or just more of your old self? I find that I am more of my old self, and that is who he fell in love with, so he is enjoying this too.
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Old 01-20-2009, 05:12 PM   #12
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I am glad to know i am not alone on this. My DH is constantly trying to get me togo off my better eatting, or trying to feed me more. I know it's insecurities with him as his first wife cheated on him profusely.

My exwas just as bad. He didn't want me to lose weight and leave him either. Funny thing is I did. Of course it had nothing to do with the weight... HAHA. I just knew it wasn't working out.

I guess the old saying "time will tell" applies here. Just wait it out...
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Old 01-20-2009, 05:16 PM   #13
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I think it's a pretty common occurrence. He's probably mainly thinking about his own insecurities, which he probably won't admit when you're fighting because it will make him feel weak. Maybe when you're both calm, sit down and talk about it...no matter how embarrassing it gets.
That's the best idea I can come up with, good luck.
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Old 01-20-2009, 05:41 PM   #14
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Oh Lettie, My DH was pretty much a jerk over my weight loss at times too. Super insecure, saying crazy jealous things. Plus he had somewhat of an attitude that since I looked better, he would have to behave better to deserve that good looking of a wife.... Like somehow he figured his less than stellar husbandly traits were totally balanced by the size of my butt.... He told me multiple times that I should go out and find a young stud. Why I would want one? I already spent over 20 years training one husband.... I wouldn't want to start from scratch.

I do think talking about your personal commitment to your marriage and what it means to you, helps more than anything. You need to sit down and be honest with each other though.
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Old 01-20-2009, 06:42 PM   #15
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I also think that it is centered from fear of the unknown. Before losing weight, he knew what to expect where you were concerned. Now, your life is this big, unwritten book and he has no way to see where it is going. You are doing new things, experiencing new things, and he's probably wondering just how far the new stuff goes.

Communication is the main thing here, and it may not be a quick thing - because it is all unfolding day to day. Keep talking, be honest, and understand that he feels the way he feels. Just because it may be unreasonable doesn't mean he has to just make it go away. And, on the same front, Your feelings are your feelings. You both just have to become comfortable with this new life.

You both have been through so much together. This is just another bump in the road.
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