This is actually the second time I'm typing this, since the forum decided to eat my post as soon as I finished it (it said I wasn't logged it, and when I finally entered my username and password it lost my post).
And that was yesterday, so it took me an entire day to stop screaming at my computer and finally retype the whole thing.
My name is Yoonhee and I am 19 years old. I am a diagnosed anorexic. If you had met me when I was 17, you could have gone down a list of the symptoms exhibited by anorexics and written my name next to each one. I've done everything to stay slim.
During my junior year of high school, between balancing 4 AP classes, 3 full seasons of sports and extracurriculars, I put myself on a 300-calorie diet and 3-hour-a-day exercise regime that excluded the sports I played in school. I would consume 2 whole heads of cabbage or lettuce every day, along with celery sticks and at most, 2 pieces of sandwich meat. I also drank at least a gallon of water every day, in an attempt to trick my body into thinking it wasn't starving... and it worked. All my daily activities plus 2 one-hour sessions of intense upright biking and an hour of weight lifting left me with about 3 hours of sleep every night, which was okay because I was always wired on coffee anyway.
I am 5'4", and have been at this height since I was 12. When my eating disorder was the most severe, I weighed 102 lbs, with 14% body fat. The majority of my fat was located in my chest (it was hereditary, my family collects fat in the bosom) and the rest of my body was primarily muscle and bone.
The funny thing is, even when I was that skinny, I always thought I was huge. I remember the day I couldn't wear my Guess size 3 jeans without the waist slipping down my legs, and I still saw myself as fat. I went to school and looked at one of my friends, a beautiful girl who was 5'7" and about 120lb, and compared our legs. When I saw that her legs were thicker than mine, I just assumed that she was just as fat as me.
It's funny how we can warp our own perceptions of our body... I thought I was so fat that I would hardly ever pose for pictures. I don't have many photographs during the time where my disorder was the worst, minus these:
My (then) skinny legs
You can't really tell from the picture here, but my jawbone was sharp and the skin around it was taunt... and I have a naturally chubby face too.
After my traditional Korean parents found out about my disease, my mother, who is image-obsessed and has called me fat since I was a toddler, asked me "Why are they saying this about you? What disorder? You look so good!" She assumed that I was purging (which I wasn't) and followed up with an equally distasteful remark, "If you want to lose weight, just stop eating."
Well, no one can say that I didn't listen to my mother.
It didn't help that all my friends were slim asian girls who all had the same problem, except they hid it much, much better. It was almost like a twisted secret society... girls who were always competing with each other to become skinnier, skinnier, skinnier...
One day I had a mental breakdown. I binged and binged and binged and blew up like a balloon, gaining back all my weight (I was originally 132) and more (now I'm 153). I have had highs and lows since then, but I have never weighed more than I do at the moment.
I know now that I am not unattractive, but I have lost control of my eating and exercising to the point where it has become depressing. I am no longer in high school so the recreation I got from playing sports no longer factors into my life, and I am out of shape.
I am here to lose 10lb of the fat that makes me overweight... and perhaps 23 vanity pounds. I know that because of my build and the weight my muscle mass usually consumes when I am active, my ideal weight may not correspond to my ideal image. My realistic goal would be 23 lb... and I am hoping that this wonderful forum may provide me with the type of inspiration that has always worked best for me... watching other women go through the same, sympathizing, and supporting.
Thanks for reading. Sorry this is long.
Hello everyone =)
