Starting weight 93 kg --- need support getting back on the horse, again!!!
Hi everyone,
I've decided to start tracking my journey here to try and motivate me and keep me accountable while embarking on my weight loss journey (for what seems like the 100th time ). Just a little background information on myself for anyone who is interested, I'm 22 years old (soon to be 23 in a few months) and I've been overweight for the majority of my life. I really started to pack on weight when I hit puberty and started high school, at around 13 years old I began to have my first experiences with depression and have struggled with depression and anxiety ever since. At around 14 years old I read a magazine article about PCOS and recognised the symptoms in myself, I went to a Doctor, had some tests and an ultrasound and not long after was diagnosed with PCOS. I went to a specialist at this time who told me I needed to lose weight to control the PCOS, I was 14 years old and 72 kgs (158 lbs) at the time, about 20 kgs overweight (my height is around 160cm/5ft"2).
When I was 20 years old I hit around 90 kgs and after some humiliating name calling/tagging on face book photos by an ex-"friend" I decided to go on Jenny Craig. I did well on Jenny for about 2 months, I got down to about 84 kgs, but then discovered it was hard to have a normal life when all you can eat is microwaved Jenny Craig meals ( I couldn't go out or eat at family gatherings etc) and it was RIDICULOUSLY expensive, almost $200 a week for their food.
I ditched Jenny in the end because of the cost and feeling trapped by their restrictions. I struggled on my own and gained back all the weight and then some....in the end I weighed in at 93 kgs, at the end of 2011 I was so depressed about my weight I went back to Jenny as I felt it was the only thing that had worked for me and that I was too weak to achieve my weight loss goals on my own. When I went back to sign up and the woman taking my information found out that I had been a member previously and she was extremely smug, informing me that most people who quit the program come back within a year....inside I knew it was a bad idea to go back but I was so desperate for results. The second time on Jenny was a disaster, I wasn't committed to it at all, I think because I knew it was all fake...I knew I would lose weight but i'd do it by eating out of a box and that it wouldn't teach me how to survive the real world. I think I lasted a month on Jenny the second time around, I only lost about 4 kgs in that time.
After quitting Jenny again I tried to continue eating healthy on my own at the beginning of 2012, this went really well for a while, then I started studying as well as working full time, I managed to keep dropping weight but only because I was sleeping through out most of the day and eating one fast food combo a day. My one meal a day "fast food diet" helped me drop a few more kilos and I managed to get down to 81 kgs, which is the lightest i've ever been, but the pressure of study and working full time started to take over, I ended up going on anti depressants and taking anxiety medication to cope along with self medicating with food....by the end of the year I was a bridesmaid for my nieces wedding and I was ballooning in my bridesmaid dress back at 90 kgs, a family friend who had last seen me at 81 kgs said to my mother when she saw me walking down the aisle "oh my god what happened to her?!".
Now I'm back at 93 kgs but all the motivation and faith has disappeared over the last couple of years, I am at that point where you say to yourself "I guess this is as good as it gets, I'm just not supposed to be thin". That spark in me to lose the weight has died out, I guess I just don't want to put in the effort again because I feel that i'll end up back where I started anyway like I have done the last couple of times. But then I remember - if this is as good as it gets that's pretty sad isn't it? I'm 22 years old, I should be having the time of my life but instead I am a hermit, I sleep all day (I slept 17 hours today!!!) and I only ever get out of bed to go to work. I don't want to see or be around people as I feel uncomfortable, ugly and anxious so I stay at home. 22 year olds should be going out every weekend but instead I stay at home on the computer. I feel that my weight stops me from living a happy and fulfilling life, sometimes I wonder whether I purposely stay fat to have an excuse to avoid living.....either way I know it's unhealthy and I need to make the most of my 20s before it's too late....I so want to be happy and healthy, I know being thin will not solve all of my problems but maybe the confidence and sense of achievement I would gain from losing weight would help me combat other issues that I have.
I just feel that I have lost that desire I had a few years ago where I was hungry to lose weight and start living my life, and I desperately want that feeling back. A few things I know I need to start doing are: going to bed before midnight, waking up early, cutting out fizzy drinks, drinking more water, eating more vegetables, cutting down on fast food, start exercising again....that's all I can think of for now. I really hope this is the last time I have to go through all this from scratch again
My goal would be to lose 30 kgs by the end of the year, so getting down to 63 kgs in the next 9 months.
First of all, welcome to the forum! I enjoyed reading your (extremely well written) summary of your 'weight history,' especially since I can really relate. Age 22 is when I hit my highest weight and I can still remember all the 'my God what happened to you?' looks and comments with crystal clarity. At the time I felt depressed and really not worthy of....anything.
Well, I've read a lot of feminist literature since then, and so the first thing I would say to you is that you are worth absolute respect, no matter what your weight. Please try not to let the world marginalize you. Don't sleep 17 hours a day. Take some small steps to put yourself out there in contexts beyond your job. Make a date with a friend. Volunteer, go for walks, etc. Participate in the world!!
In regard to a weight-loss plan, I might recommend that you check out Weight Watchers. It's a nice compromise between those plans that provide all your food (something which is expensive and makes it difficult to transition to 'real world' eating) and completely open plans like Intuitive Eating. On Weight Watchers you can eat anything in moderation. WW is what helped me lose my first big chunk of weight, many years ago.
I wish you the best! Keep posting here! I think it will help you get out of your current funk! And remember, think feminist thoughts! I know that you want to lose weight, and that's fine, but a number on a scale has NO bearing on your value as a human being!
1st I have to say, you are a great writer. really. You know how to exactly express yourself.
I am so glad that you have come here. It is a wonderful community and you get to feel like you belong somewhere. You see your life and troubles in other people's stories and triumphs (and misses ) and see examples on how you can change your own life. YOU ARE IMPORTANT Don't ever forget that. I have been overweight since I was 10 (I'm 54 now). I had rocks thrown at me, been called tubby tubby 2 by 4, screamed Lard *** as I did my exercise walk along a street, split seams in clothes, sneered at by guys when I smiled at them, turned down for jobs, and had a 3 year old in a grocery store tell his mom (really loud) Look at that FAT lady Mom. All these things hit home and hurt and stopped me from being better. I realized that these things are not important to me, I am, and I have decided to be healthier and stronger to show myself and not others. You, I am sure, have that same strength inside of you! Just keep reminding yourself.
I just say. (kinda a 12 steppy thing tho I have not done that program) Just for today I am going to eat healthy and move. Just today. Tomorrow is a day away and I can make a decision about that day tomorrow when it comes. It is not as hard if you deal with it in small ways
You can DO IT. You are able and have the desire.
I hope to see you around the threads. There are alot of challenges going on and funny ones at that. Loosing weight and getting healthy should be fun too and not always hard!
Last edited by wannaskipandlaugh; 03-02-2013 at 11:28 AM.
Thank you so much for the support guys and for the compliments in regards to my writing - I enjoy writing but it has always made me feel vulnerable, hence why I have never used a weight loss forum before....but I'm glad that I've taken the leap and started writing about my journey because your feedback has truly made my day
I forgot to mention that I recently started using weight watchers online, I like the freedom it gives you to make your own choices. And you're both right I definitely need to take small steps to pull myself out of this funk and the first step is to get my sleeping patterns under control, and mackinac19 I completely agree with the comment about giving my life context outside of my job...I recently came to the conclusion with my therapist that I am very unhappy at my job, it's not a horrible job it's just that it's not where I wanted to be at this point in my life; I took the job to get some experience in the health care sector before embarking on a health related degree but then I just....got stuck here :/
I made a deal with myself at the start of this year that I would allow myself to put off starting my degree til next year so I can use this time to get my weight and life under control and gain some much needed confidence in order to have a better chance in being successful in my degree, so I really need to do this as I do not want this to be another wasted year.
30 kgs is a lot of work but you can do it. I suggest you get some professional help (maybe a personal trainer or nutritionist), it will make all the difference in the world.
And yes, you write beautifully. Ever considered doing it professionally?
I can relate to so much of what you've experienced, as well. I'm also attempting to get that 'spark' for weight lose back. I've never belonged to a weight loss forum, either. I think we all need support and sometimes it's people you've never met who give it best.
Nice to online meet you
Welcome to the forum! I am relatively new to this forum but did belong to another one back in 2006 and with their help and support, I successfully lost 86 lbs. Life has handed me some lemons since then and I have put 38 of those lbs back on. So see, you are not alone!!! There are others of us who lose and gain and lose and gain. It is truly a roller coaster for me. This time, I am following the Metabolic Research Clinic program mainly because I plan to purchase their maintenance program because keeping the weight off is my biggest problem and I can't do it by myself. I hope that the accountability there will help me. As far as WW online, it is a great program. Since you are not getting out much, I hope that soon you will feel that you can go to some of the WW meetings near you. The support and education you get there, I think, would help you a lot. You would begin to make friends near where you live and maybe they could direct you to some exercise options with people that you would feel comfortable exercising around. I would keep up the online program though as it is an awesome tool. I also would like to recommend that you find some Richard Simmons workout videos to do at home. He may be corny, but he is a very motivating guy and I liked the fact that he had some larger women like me exercising so I didn't feel like a fish out of water like I do with all the skinny babes who looked like they would fall over if a good wind blew on the other tapes. I battled with a deep depression when I got hurt at work and then fired by the company because I could no longer do my job. I too would sleep most of the day and when I was awake, I stayed in bed with the TV on or on the laptop just so I didn't have to face the day. You and I both know that it is not healthy both physically and mentally to do that. So after reading this, I challenge you to set your clock to get up after say 12 hours of sleep to start with (and then wean yourself down to an 8-hour sleep schedule). Get out of the bed and look in the mirror and say, "I Love Me. Today is a great day and I am going to do _______________ today just for me." Then tomorrow do the same thing and so on until you feel good about yourself. It will get easier and easier and soon the depression will seem less and less. I know this works 'cause I did it. If you have something come up that sends you towards the dark tunnel of depression again, start over and do what I have recommended again until you feel back in control. I have confidence in you and know that if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything you want to. Blessings, firegirl
Thanks Flavion, yes it's definitely going to be a big challenge to lose so much weight (30kg/66 lbs) but considering my height (5"2) it's the amount I have to lose to be at a healthy BMI, thank you for your faith in me and I have briefly considered doing writing/journalism professionally before - I was even told by an English lecturer to pursue it once, but I think I just got scared off by the lack of stability and competitiveness in such a profession...but maybe once I start building my confidence I may begin to reconsider , you have all definitely given me something to mull over this year.
Richard Simmons is great, a friend of mine who is a personal trainer for Les Mills met him and it was like a dream come true for her lol he is very inspirational, I will look into finding some of his stuff online . I came across some Biggest Loser workouts on Youtube with overweight contestants doing the workouts, I think I may look at doing those. I have a lot of resources at my disposal that I'm not utilising at the moment: I have a 24 hour gym membership, so I could go to the gym whenever I could fit it in, I mean this gym is even open on CHRISTMAS DAY!!! so there are really no excuses when it comes to that but somehow I've managed to have the membership for almost a year and have only gone ONCE, it's pretty unacceptable considering I pay every week for it. I also have an Xbox Kinect with an assortment of workout games (Biggest Loser, Yourshape, Dance Central), these games are really fun which is great because you don't realise you're actually doing an intense workout.
I know once I start getting up earlier I will have more time to fit in exercise. I might look into finding a personal trainer, even if it's just for a few months while I get back into this, but I know at the end of the day I've got to learn to push myself and hold myself accountable.
Today has been a good day so far, with the help of all of your supportive comments I managed to commit to having a healthy breakfast (I had work today so HAD to wake up early) and lunch today with plenty of water, I have also started on Metformin today to see if this aids my weight loss. My goals today are to not drink coca cola, eat a healthy dinner and to get to bed before midnight....before I go to bed tonight I'm going to take firegirls advice and look in the mirror and tell myself that I love ME!!!
Thanks firegirl, I reached all of my goals yesterday: no coke, healthy dinner and in bed by 10pm!!! and up at 10am this morning which is a feat for me lol had a healthy breakfast and took metformin.....I now understand what people are talking about when they mention stomach issues associated with it :S it's only lunch time here in New Zealand, so still a whole day ahead but hopefully it goes well goals for today are the same as yesterday...small steps!!!
Starting weight 93 kg --- need support getting back on the horse, again!!!
). Just a little background information on myself for anyone who is interested, I'm 22 years old (soon to be 23 in a few months) and I've been overweight for the majority of my life. I really started to pack on weight when I hit puberty and started high school, at around 13 years old I began to have my first experiences with depression and have struggled with depression and anxiety ever since. At around 14 years old I read a magazine article about PCOS and recognised the symptoms in myself, I went to a Doctor, had some tests and an ultrasound and not long after was diagnosed with PCOS. I went to a specialist at this time who told me I needed to lose weight to control the PCOS, I was 14 years old and 72 kgs (158 lbs) at the time, about 20 kgs overweight (my height is around 160cm/5ft"2). 
to you!
) and see examples on how you can change your own life. YOU ARE IMPORTANT Don't ever forget that. I have been overweight since I was 10 (I'm 54 now). I had rocks thrown at me, been called tubby tubby 2 by 4, screamed Lard *** as I did my exercise walk along a street, split seams in clothes, sneered at by guys when I smiled at them, turned down for jobs, and had a 3 year old in a grocery store tell his mom (really loud) Look at that FAT lady Mom. All these things hit home and hurt and stopped me from being better. I realized that these things are not important to me, I am, and I have decided to be healthier and stronger to show myself and not others. You, I am sure, have that same strength inside of you! Just keep reminding yourself. 
. I came across some Biggest Loser workouts on Youtube with overweight contestants doing the workouts, I think I may look at doing those. I have a lot of resources at my disposal that I'm not utilising at the moment: I have a 24 hour gym membership, so I could go to the gym whenever I could fit it in, I mean this gym is even open on CHRISTMAS DAY!!! so there are really no excuses when it comes to that but somehow I've managed to have the membership for almost a year and have only gone ONCE, it's pretty unacceptable considering I pay every week for it. I also have an Xbox Kinect with an assortment of workout games (Biggest Loser, Yourshape, Dance Central), these games are really fun which is great because you don't realise you're actually doing an intense workout. 
