Weight was not an issue for me always. In my teens, I was a healthy weight, however, very unhealthy with men. Then once I was in my twenties, I started gaining weight, until I reached a maximum of 190lbs. I had a reason too. I feel in love with a wonderful man, and I have problems when other men like me. I have a hard time saying no to people, I'm a yes person. I also have this deep down fear that people don't like me, and don't want me; and I cave to intimacy. So I was determined to stay true to him, which I did. But I gained lots and I became stand-offish to other men. Then, I broke up with him; had nothing to do with my weight or another person; just not meant to be. Soon after, I lost all the weight, and more, and I went down to 130lbs, and I'm 5.9ft. I thought I could handle the attention from men, but I couldn't. I dated every cute man (6) that pursued me, each one ending quicker than the next. I made a decision that I would wait until I got to know them, before allowing them in my bedroom. At least I didn't sleep with too many (2). But for most of them...I don't know, it was over before it began. Also, I was getting a lot of comments regarding how unhealthy I looked, that I lost so much weight, so quickly. I did have some great people who were proud of me, and they are still around. But, I was so hurt, and was becoming resentful of the way I looked. Men didn't bother me when I was heavier. This happened in 16 months. So I am now 170lbs. And the men leave me alone, for the most part. But my attitude towards people is very protective. Around most women I've gotten to know, I feel safe. Around most men, I'm distant; I want to trust them, I just have had such a bad run with them lately. The irony about this whole thing is, that I want to have someone to love, and to receive love. So, now I feel tired and unattractive. I got used to having energy when I was thin, that it is taking a bit to get used to having less energy. So, I go to the gym, to have an outlet for my life, and it gives me energy. As soon as I start to lose weight, I have a mini freak out, and fall off the wagon. Then I feel bad again, and try to deal with the conflict in my head, of wanting to be mentally and emotionally healthy to be thin, and wanting to be ignored.
I hope this makes sense. It's come out a bit weird, and all over the place.
Wow. Your post shows that there are all sorts of underlying emotional reasons behind losing/gaining weight. Many people assume that people are overweight simply because they have no self-control or because they have a food addiction. For many people, weight is tied into so many other aspects of life. All the best in your journey and I hope that you undertake this when you are ready, IF you are ready and not a moment before.
Thank you for your words. I'm still struggling with becoming healthy in my emotions to lose weight. I've made some big strides, in recognizing my patterns, and trying to find the reason behind my actions. Some days are better than others. I have gotten better at knowing when to say no to a "relationship" with someone who is not for me. Which is huge. But, I'm afraid to think that I'm out of the woods and will be able to always do that. Self-contol isn't always about food, and food can be protection against an inner weakness. On a happy note, today was a great day at school; I got lots done and saw a good friend.
I think that you're on the right path by acknowledging some of these emotional barriers around you. In your first post you said:
"So I am now 170lbs. And the men leave me alone, for the most part. But my attitude towards people is very protective."
It sounds like a part of you is considering whether it's the weight keeping men/people away or something else. I have a feeling that the distance between you and others doesn't have as much to do with the weight as it has to do with the drop in your self-confidence and the barriers you put up. People of all sizes get into relationships, as well as form friendships, all the time. It's not likely that a good, decent man will turn down a woman for not being incredibly thin (or, at least, most of them grow out of that phase pretty quickly).
The good news for you is that, according to your bmi, you're less than five pounds overweight. I know BMI doesn't mean everything, but it helps to know that you're officially thinner than the vast majority of Americans. Perhaps your self image is off quite a bit? As far as your friends saying you looked unhealthy at 130- did you feel unhealthy? If we're still going off the BMI scale, 130lbs for you would mean that you were on the borderline of "underweight," which frequently means that you are unhealthy. A lot of people have warped self images, called body dismorphia, and when I was down to my lowest I had it as well. I felt huge, self-conscious, and fat, just because in my mind I was still 300lbs (even though I was half of that). You're not alone.
Whenever you decide to lose weight, no matter what your goal is, we'll be here to support you.
Wow, I can so relate to this post on so many levels. I was always healthy and I had a relationship that left me devastated amongst other things and over the last 8 years I have put on so much weight, 80lbs to be exact. I also "felt" that I received a lot less from men and I was very protective of myself. I did not mind the lack of attention but I have finally gotten to a point that I want to grab my life back. I want a family, kids and thats not going to happen of i dont deal with my emotional issues and physical health. I am now on this awesome website to deal with the physical side and seeing a coach to deal with every thing else. I realized that I so shut myself off physically and emotionally from love. I wish you luck and I hope that you successfully walk out the other end of the tunnel with a healthier physical, emotional and psychological self, because that is the same prayer I have for myself. I hope this ramble makes sense,
Not entirely ready to lose
