I am 48 years old and I still don't know how to cope with interacial discrimination!
I am a fair-skinned black woman, who has been called "white" all of my life. It was one thing to be a kid and be called white, but now I'm supposed to be an adult and am dealing with a family of ignorant neighbors, who take every chance they can take to call me "white', fat, and crazy.
Just today, a little girl. from this family told my daughter that I was white. There is nothing wrong with being white, but I am black! This child is either 7 or less than yrs. old. She beats up boys and girls, both her own age and older, and so do her older sisters. The mother is never home, and the house is a drug house, and an undesirable entity to the neighborhood! One of her older sisters has actually cussed out my husband! They truly are out of control children.
And I feel out of control! I'm fat! And I am mad! And I don't know how to get rid of my anger! I'm not trying to play a race card, but I don't know how to handle this. It's bad enough that difference races can't get along, but it's even worse that people of the same race can't seem to get along and raise their children to follow the same patterns.
I need some feedback on how to stop feeling so sad, mad, and depressed! Can anyone out ther relate and help me?
I'm about as white as they come (my sign in should be casper) so I can't offer much advice on your predicament, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry about what you're going through. I would just say you know who you are and don't worry about what ignorant individuals think or say. And when it comes to kids, remember that they are only parroting the ideals of their parents. Sad, but changeable. Just tonight in chik-fil-a my son came out of the play area all upset because some girl had told him that all boys were stupid and would never go to college. Of course, he's six and doesn't know what she's talking about but I guess the snotty way she said it was enough. Nothing compared to racism, but just an indication of how stupid some of the stuff parents teach their children can be. I hope this isn't too rambly, I'm tired, but my thoughts are with you.
I hate to tell you to just write off a whole family but there is some ignorance that is just too difficult to deal with. From the way you describe the household, it sounds like this is only one of an entire host of issues that the kids in the family will have to deal with. Since they seem to be the only problem family out of many in the neighborhood, I'd try to chalk it up to the other bad influences and not worry about it too much. If, on the otherhand, you think this child is capable of deeper understanding you might try explaining that race and ethnicity isn't always (or even at all) about the way a person looks, it has more to do with culture, feelings of family & pride in a common history.
It's easy to think "if we can't get along with each other, what hope is there" but really, there has always been division within ethnic groups. Try not to let it bother you too much.
Here's a really, really stupid question. Are the ignorant neighbours black and against you because they think you're white, or are they white and against you because they think you're black and pretending not to be, or ??? (In my defense, I'm Canadian, and while Canada is certainly not racism-free, it's very different from what I think you live with.)
Anyway, come and live up here: we spend so much time feeling superior and looking for a national identity that we don't have time for worrying about colour.
I believe that the ignorant neighbors are black as she talks about getting along with your own race? correct me if I've misinterp.
Racism comes in all shapes and sizes.... I'm what you might refer to (in catshow terms) a "classic white"...blonde, fair, anglo features... I'm a mix of hungarian/czech. and my Mom is a Jew who converted to being a protestant, my father was catholic. I observe no specific religion but believe. I don't like a lot of the churchy things. Some of the most pious people at my Mom's church are classic biggots.
I work in a very multi-cultural, medical environment where EVERYONE is polite, no racial slurs are ever spoken (and if you would be that stupid, we have a SPECIAL DEPARTMENT who will *counsel*/repremand you and another department who files a complaint if you are one who takes offense--it's our own Dr. Phil sessions 5 days a week except on the 15 holidays when no one comes to work) and you are judged pretty much on your brains. So this is NOT the real world obviously. Sometimes I forget how steeped in racism things can be. My closest friend for over 20+ years is a very fair-skinned black woman with red hair, she's heard the same sort of thing intermittently, but her Mom and son are darker skinned, so she's usually not subjected to name-calling.
The last few men I've dated have been of other races, it never even came into my mind they might feel differently....and one (Indian who has been here for over 30 years but still cow-tows to mommy) told me his family would NEVER accept me because I was "american"....I got mad and said what you really mean is WHITE, he agreed, I was his "white-girl" secret. This is a 40 year old adult male physician! it disgusted me.
Another man I dated was very sensitive about his features...he was Guadamalan. He was always afraid he would be mistaken for one of the gardeners instead of what he was, (Interventional Radiologist with MD/PhD)....he would keep asking me "do I look Mexican? Can you tell?" It drove me crazy, I said, you ARE who you ARE, you have classic latino features, like I have classic european features, geez get over it!!! (eventually I stopped seeing him, he was just too obsessed that he didn't look american, I got tired of re-assurign him he no one in my neighborhood was going to ask him to weed the flowerbeds).
Now that I've been so long-winded, the point I would like to make is that, yes, it's OK to get mad because your neighbors are jack-asses, but don't waste your energy trying to change them, they don't want to get along withyou if you are black or white.....but Casper, you should be proud of what you are (a good, intellegent woman!) and instill that pride in your kids too. and you are NOT fat....you are "fluffy".
I live in Mississippi and while I don't think racism is as bad here as the media would have you believe we certainly aren't short of it. Quite frankly, there are people from all walks of life - white, black, Indian, whatever, who put more effort into keeping race relations stirred up than stamping out prejudice. With that said, I am an upper middle class white woman and, as such, have never been blatantly discriminated against so I will not pretend that I can totally relate to your situation.
I do believe that I am raising tolerant children who are accepting of people for who they are not what they are. My oldest is 7 and while our discussions are geared to his level of experience I do not tip toe around the issues. They see and hear things in restaurants, school, etc. and I believe that they deserve honest answers to even the most sensitive questions. You aren't likely to change the offending family but you can certainly arm your children to respond appropriately. Other kids will see this and, hopefully, your family's attitude will spread. Slowly but surely, differences can be made.
Have you ever traced your family tree? If you are so light skinned perhaps you do have another race somewhere in your heritage. Make this a fun project for you and your daughter to do together. Talk about where your family comes from, teach her not to be ashamed regardless of her background. Research the cultures that you find in your history. Besides giving you a bonding experience with your daughter it will arm her to say, "so what" should anyone ever say you are white with malicious intent again. Sometimes the best response to people like your neighbors is no response at all. Last year on the school bus some kid told my son that he was "hideous." My son was upset. Not only were his feelings hurt but he was embarrased being teased in front of the other kids. My only question to him was, "Do YOU think you are hideous?" Of course the answer was no - he isn't blind. And I was able to assure him that the other kids aren't blind either. It was a good lesson in understanding that people's insults are only powerful if anyone believes them to be true. You can teach the same lesson by helping your daughter understand where she comes from and making sure that she understands the postive aspects of every culture you come across.
And, as she gets older there are sure to be innocent questions raised by her friends who will wonder if you are white even if they don't care one way or the other. Knowing her roots will give her a chance to answer their questions with confidence and pride.
I just want to say that I never thought that I'd get so many responses to my feelings! There are truly still good people who actually care about the plight of others and I thank you all!
Happydaisy - I love it that you said taht you're about as white as they come and that your sign should be casper!
Thank you for expressing that you're sorry for what I am going through. You are right - I do know who I am and I shouldn't worry about what ignorant individuals think or say. It's just so sad that the age of the child who made the comment to my daughter, is so young yet so on the wrong track of life. To my knowledge, there is only one parent in this particular household and she isn't anything to write home about either. Before she realized that I was married and therefore was a man in our household, she used to always come to my door to try to "start something". I remember when the first time my DH was home and the shock when I called him to the door and the shock on her face as she backed her bull self down very quickly! She's not a good role-model, for she is never home, and the police district that we live in know that there residence is a "drug hub." We own our home and her's is a section 8 household. I wish there was someway to move them out. Recently our neighborhood's property values have increased and we are just hoping that they will eventually get "priced out" of the neighborhood - with the values of our houses at present it doesn't make sense for someone to own a section 8 house when they could either rent or sell.
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened to your son at the chick-fil-a. It doesn't matter that it was not a racism situation - children can be so cruel. I just don't want my children to go through what My DH and I had to go through in the '60s!
No, you weren't too rambly. Thank you for your thoughts being with me, especially since you are tired.
Your a beautiful person!
Flipafart - It's not hard to advise - yes people usually judge by sight - but this family is black and my family is black and it is simply a case of the haves and the havenots! It's sad but true that there are some blacks that just simply don't like fair-skinned blacks! And through their ignorance, they go out of their way to let you know that they are jealous and just plain din't like you.
JuliaTN - hey! I went to school in Nashville at TSU! Thanks for your feedback! No need to tell me just to write off this whole family, because if I wasn't so thin-skinned, I'd have done it! This family definitely comes under the categoty of ignorance that is just to difficult to deal with. Unfortunately, this particualr child goes to the same school as mine do, so this goes on both on and off campus. I believe you are correct that the kids in this family are dealing with a host of issues. And there's no guidance at all in that house hold. There is another household that leaves something to be desired, but this particular household is by far the worse! I will try my best to take your advise and try to chalk it up to the other bad influences and not worry about it too much. (I'm bipolar and being thin-skinned, I worry about everthing!)
This child is definitely not capalble of deeper understanding. I tried that when I was a teacher up at the school. She is too far gone at too young of an age.
You are correct - there has always been division within ethnic groups. I'll try to take you advise and try not to let it bother me too much!
Thanks again!
Hey Carla! God am I glad to hear from you!
No, it's not a really , really stupid question - the ignorant neighbors are black, but they know that we are black! They are jealous of our status and are color-struck! Hey, I didn't know that you were Canadian! Canada and Canadians are cool! When I was little (young) I used to always say that when I grew up I was going to live in Canada! You know, ther whole Vietnam thing. I'm originally from Ohio so I truly love Canada! And I must say that you all had, by far the best Expo ('67) I've ever been to.
Love ya!
Hi Marbleflys! Good to hear from you too!
Yes you are correct - the ignorant neighbors are black.
Yes, again, you are correct - racism does come in all shapes and sizes.....Do you like cats and do you show them? I'm a cat lover! Religion wise I'm Episcopalian. You are so right - some of the most pious people and class biggots you find right in church!
I enjoyed the stories that you shared, and you were not long winded! Thanks for letting me know that it's OK to get mad because my neighbors are jack-asses! You hit the nail right on the head! I will try to take your advise and not waste my energy on them. I've worked too many 12 step programs to know that you cannot change people. And your are right - they don't want to get along with us. Marbleflys, I am proud to be what I am (a good, intelligent woman!) and I try and will continue to try to instill that pride in my kids. Nope - I'm not fat, I'm "fluffy".
Thanks for the good luck!
Hi jawsmom - You are correct - I am not likely to change the offending family - done too many 12 step programs to know that! I am/will arm my children to respond appropriately so that other kids will see this and hopefully our family's attitude will spread.
As far as our family tree goes, my great grandmother on my mother's side was 100% white. And from what I've hear, she was a pistol!
You are right - people's insults are only powerful if anyone believes them to be true. My problem is that I have a short fuse!
Both of the kids know their roots. It's not the innocent questions I'm concerned with - it's the maliciaous ones.........
Thanks everyone! You've made me feel so much better.
That sounds so frustrating - your neighbors sound like real jerks. I know how frustrating a mistaken racial identity to be, and for them to be malicious about it! How awful. My family is from Lebanon, but half the time when it comes up in discussion, no one believes me! I am light-skinned but I still look like most people that come from the region, people just have the idea that all Arabs have very dark skin, but skin tone varies as much as that of whites (or blacks, for that matter). Maybe if I put on a burkha they'd believe me? Funnier still is that I'm not Muslim, and my family is Jewish, converted to Christians!
Hi Jenicra! Thanks for the feedback! Yes it is frustrating! Yes, my neighbors are real jerks! It's nice to know that there is someone else out there who knows how frustrating a mistaken racial indentity can be and for the offender to be malicious about it! Yes it is awful! If your family is from Lebanon, I know that you all must be very attractive! Some people say that my mother looks like she is from Lebanon! How rude for people to think that all Arabs have very dark skin! Maybe you should put on a burkha! How interesting - you are not Muslim and your family is Jewish converted to Christians! We are such beautiful people - all people who are openminded!
Hi there,
just came in here to give you a big "HUG". I kow how you feel cause I am white and my hubby is black.We live in germany and we had to deal with it for some time.
Margret
How do you deal with interacial discrimination?
I would just say you know who you are and don't worry about what ignorant individuals think or say. And when it comes to kids, remember that they are only parroting the ideals of their parents. Sad, but changeable. Just tonight in chik-fil-a my son came out of the play area all upset because some girl had told him that all boys were stupid and would never go to college. Of course, he's six and doesn't know what she's talking about but I guess the snotty way she said it was enough. Nothing compared to racism, but just an indication of how stupid some of the stuff parents teach their children can be. I hope this isn't too rambly, I'm tired, but my thoughts are with you. 
When I was little (young) 
I used to always say that when I grew up I was going to live in Canada! You know, ther whole Vietnam thing. I'm originally from Ohio so I truly love Canada! And I must say that you all had, by far the best Expo ('67) I've ever been to. 
Funnier still is that I'm not Muslim, and my family is Jewish, converted to Christians!
