Ok have a question and I need some input.
I have this friend which I've known since I was 18 y/o (I'm 30 now), we used to be close before she and I got married. When she got married (8 years ago) she felt bad b/c I went out to find some single friends b/c obviously I didn't want to be hanging around her and her husband. I mean she called me crying saying that she felt jealous that I had other friends. They went on to have kids.
Well, 4 1/2 years ago I and my husband got married so I started calling her once a month or so. Our friendship has never been the same, this girl isn't the type to call, you have to call her. But then she will make a comment about how we need to keep in touch. It seems like my husband and I speak more to her husband then I with her.
Whats even more funny is that when ever we are around other people or friends she will bring up old times and how we are so close. She tells people that I am her best friend. How can this be if she never calls (Well she does call when she needs something).
I told her that there would be good chances that my husband would be relocated out of state. She responded with "Oh, how sad, I'm going to miss you. What am I going to do without you, you are my best friend?" WHAT!
Like today I called to see how she was (mind you I haven't talked to the girl in 2 months) and she told me she had to get off b/c her kids wanted to go to the park, her kids are 4 and 2 1/2 years old. Our conversation was only about 2 minutes long.
What do you think? What should I do?
As with any relationship, there has to be effort on both ends. If she is not making the effort, then she must not really feel as close to you as she says she does, BUT it is entirely possible that she truly believes that she is putting forth effort. My suggestion would be to have a very frank talk with this person and find out what exactly is going on in her mind. If you want to remain friends with her, you should tell her so, but if you feel that you guys really don't have much of a friendship anymore, tell her that and tell her why. She will either confirm that she hasn't felt close to you for a while, or she will confirm that she is saddened to hear what you've said.
The most direct route between point A and point B is a straight line.
Unfortunately, my guess is that even if you talk to her about it her behavior will not change. I had a very good friend back in high school, who called me her best friend and said I helped her through the toughest times in her life. I went to college a year before her, and expected to keep in touch either via phone or email. It quickly became evident that I was the one who had to contact her, and she wouldn't ever contact me on her own. This went on for two years. Each time I would bring it up, she would apologize and promise that this was the last time, that she was going to change, and that she would call me in a couple days.
Well, eventually I had a very frank talk with her and told her I was sick of this one-sided friendship and that I was not going to contact her again until she contacted me. Once again, she said I was her best friend and that she would definitely start calling me.
This was about two and a half years ago, and I haven't heard from her since.
Anyway, my point is that you can try having a talk with her about it, but my guess is that she will never change and you will have the burden of contacting her if you want to stay friends. I think you can probably find some friends who are more interested in contacting YOU though.
No offence, Rakkoon, but from what you say in your post, when she got married 8 years ago she kept calling but you found single friends to replace her. Now that you're married, you'd like the old friendship back. But she may be wary (once bitten, twice shy), and she has probably developed friendships while you were not available to her. It may take a while, and consistent effort on your part, for her to invest in your relationship again.
Actually before I got married she didn't call me. I was always the one calling her. There was a time (when they were married for 2 years) that she swore it was no problem that I continue hanging out with her and her husband. Then I started dating someone and she made this remark "Well its good you found someone, now my husband and I can be alone together." Mind you I wouldn't hang out with them every weekend just once in a while. It ticked me off b/c she was the one insisting I hang out with them. Thats actually the time I started looking for other single friends b/c I felt weird hanging out with a married couple.
We also have a third friend, this girl got married a year before her. She also says the same thing "Why do I always have to call her?" so its not only me.
Unfortunately, there are as many possible reasons for the behavior as there are people in the world, but like BonnieBelle said- that type of relationship can be exhausting. It's really up to you whether or not you want to continue to be in a relationship like that or not because at this point, she IS unlikely to change. That doesn't mean that I rescind my previous post, because I generally believe in clearing the air.
Just as a thought, maybe she is just flat out uncomfortable talking on the phone. Or maybe she just has issues with *initiating* contact. Have you tried communicating through letters or email? I am pretty similar to her in (phone) behavior, and it's just because I have a horrible time communicating on the phone. I never have anything interesting to talk about and I don't like asking too many questions about my friends because I don't want to seem nosy. It's much easier for me to shoot the breeze through email (funny jokes make a good ice breaker) or to arrange a get together to visit in person. Ultimately, you will just have to do what you feel is right.
I don' think it has anything to do with talking on the phone. The reason I say this is b/c she seems to have a problem with jealousy. Almost like she hates it if I have other friends.
Like for instance, she (Heather) invited me to this mothers group thing that meats every friday morning. Since my son was younger then hers we were split in two different groups. I went and got to know other women. she would come later and interupt a conversation I would be having with someone and tell me to go with her b/c her son wanted to see me (supposedly he liked me, even though when I would be around him he would shy away) he would be in another room. As it happened after I was going for a while she all of a sudden stopped going. I eventually stopped going b/c it wasn't very close to my home (about 30 minute drive). I did start going there b/c I thought that this would bring us closer. When she stopped going I was like "well what the heck," she was the reason I was going in the first place. Now 6 months later (we both go on this chat room) she was mentioning how she was going to this womens thing again. I just don't get her, she will act like she is all alone and has no friends but then when I make an effort to get close to her thats as far as it goes, I'm doing all the work.
But I think I will take your advice and just let it go. Like the third friend (Michele) we have always called each other, its a two way friendship. Even though we are both married we still keep in touch.
Friend or not?
