Have You Ever Had to Wrestle Your Share of Support in a Friendship?
Should you have to wrestle your share of support out of a friendship, do you do it, and how?
What do I do that makes my "friends" feel like they can dismiss friendships with me when they'll alright, disappear for years, not care about how I'm faring and still feel that they own the right to pop up in my life when THEY need me?
People leave your life because that' life. How do you cope with those who leave, do not care how you fare for years, and then reappear as if nothing, or with excuses, just because THEY now need you?
Read on if you want a few details to understand what I'm talking about.
I grew up to be a people pleaser, as a result of my upbringing. In my friendships this has translated into a strong sense of trust, loyalty and being helpful. Like everyone else, I have had issues relating to friendships. In the recent years however a new pattern seems to have appeared (though I don't want it to stay, which is why I'm trying to understand this and get advised). Notice that with all the following situations, I initially tried to keep in touch, but got tired of being ignored and gave up.
This woman and I had been friends from our pre-teen to adult years. There have been periods of distance and closeness but she completely cut contact with me when she got engaged. After being totally absent from my life for 3 solid years, she came to my town last year and only contacted me because she needed a place to stay. I sheltered her for a night...a few weeks later she called me out of the blue to 'check up on me'. The call was unexpected and I thought she wanted something from me so I wasn't that enthused and I might have sounded just like that. She hasn't called anymore after that but I'm sure it's because I sounded quite cold on the phone.
5 years ago I befriended a woman and we were very close...until it was time for me to move out of that area of the city. I was alone with no car and going through a tough time. She kept promising to help me at every stage of the moving but repeatedly disappointed me. For about 2 years, she did not even try to get to know my new house, visit or help with all the work I was doing on the flat. She later confessed to me that she tried to date my ex but it didn't work between them. I don't know if that's what kept her away from me all that time. Anyway, we have been totally out of contact for 3 years now. Last week, she randomly calls me and invited me to 'a lunch' because her new workplace is close to mine.
I used to have this close friend. We grew up together and finished high school before she moved overseas with her family. As soon as she left the country, this person cuts all contact, won't reply to emails, calls, etc. This has gone on and on for more than 10 years. Last month, she added me on skype and now wants to chat several times a week, for hours (when SHE feels like it).
I befriended this woman about 6 years ago. It turned out she's like a chameleon emotinonally. She gets super close to me during HER tough times and gives me the cold shoulder when I need her. She withdraws emotionally when she doesn't need me, for months or years then reappears out of the blue, then I'd realize that it's because she's in a rough patch. Recently, she dated, got engaged which is why she vanished out of my life. Before getting engaged, she dismissed me as friend and maid of honour because of a misunderstanding we had. No phone calls, emails or text/skype messages for a whole year. Last month, she started popping in weekly messages and emails. She's quite sly as a person and I'm guessing that it's because she needs assistance with her wedding planning. She's been dropping hints that I pretend to ignore.
My question is...is it just me or somebody has had similar experiences?
I don't think all these people have something wrong in common...I think I'm the one doing something the wrong way here, and I can't put my finger on it.
P.S: I fully intend to drive these people out of my life. For the most part, I'm going to lead them on and serve them the same dish they did me. By that, I mean that I'm going to ignore them when they call for my attention. Just for them to know I'm no more one to be taken for granted. I have moved on and I have changed, so I don't want to discuss their past attitude and how it made me feel. I feel that they don't even deserve me treating them decently and tell them something like: I'd like you to leave me alone now. When they're tired of solliciting me they'll get my game and take the door out.
Last edited by thirti4thirty; 03-02-2015 at 08:52 AM.
I've tried to get friends to give me back the same level of loyalty and time that they demand of me, but I ended up regretting it. It caused friction, and ultimately either they want to spend time with you or they don't. For some reason I tend to attract people who are only interested in me when they need help or a shoulder to cry on. But when their life is normal and they're happy, they have other friends to hang out with. I'm glad they trust me enough to lean on me when they need help. I'm sad that that's the only place they apparently see me having a role in their life. But now when people drop out of my life, I just let them. If they try to pop back in, I'll consider it at the time. If I have the time, I'll make time. Otherwise, I don't feel an obligation to do so since they pretty much ignored me for months.
I have a very different approach to friendship than you do, so perhaps I can offer some insight into "people like me" so you can see at least one different approach...
I could have ticked the box "I'm the culprit here!" (before reading your examples), because I don't offer my emotional support freely. I'm a logical type of person, not emotionally based at all, and I'm not even really all that in touch with my own emotions, much less anyone else's. However, I didn't tick that box because I don't think anyone should have to wrestle support from someone who is actually their friend.
If a friend doesn't provide support when I need it, I am either understanding about it, or we drift apart. It's not something I fault people for, and it's not something I think I'm owed.
If one of my friends is in need, my response is very relationship-dependent. If I know we don't have that kind of relationship, then I will talk to them but not bend over backwards or get emotionally involved. I will provide advice, and I'll listen to them talk without discouraging them. If it's someone very close to me, like my sister or my husband, I will go to any lengths necessary to help them, at risk to myself and my emotional wellness. I am no-holds-barred when I am fully on board. But I have a maximum of three people in my life who I would do that for, at any given time. I do not have the emotional capacity for more.
Friends have always drifted in and out of my life, and it's never been something that bothered me. I'll be very close to someone for a while, get involved in fun projects and things, then eventually we drift apart. Usually my friendships result from situations like school, or roommates before I lived on my own, and when the physical proximity was gone the relationship died. Now and then I've gotten in touch with people again and met up, but it's never the same as it was. I just enjoy things while they last, and it works for me because I'm not a social person. I like being by myself (or with my husband, who's now int he best-friend role pretty constantly), and I have plenty of fun on my own with projects and activities. (That's not to say I'm anti-social; I go to a regular writing group, I volunteer, and do other things around people. But for the most part I wouldn't call people from group activities my "friends." They're people I know and like and get along with, but not people I've spent time with individually).
Having read your examples, it sounds like you're very hurt by the lack of support you've received from some people you thought you could count on. I don't really identify with that, but that's because I don't count on anybody for anything (which I guess some people might think is a bad/sad thing in itself).
I could respond to each case individually (for example, the one who moved away probably gained a whole new life when she did; not something I'd personally fault her for) but my whole approach is different. Instead of relying on friendships to stay the same, I enjoy them while they last, and let them go when they don't. I don't need anyone's attention or affection if they don't want to give it to me. And in that case again (friend who moved), I would make time only when I have time, get on with my life, and let the relationship go again if what I had to offer wasn't enough.
I think the only thing that's connecting all these examples and issues is your attitude towards them, not the events themselves. I don't think you're causing people to ignore you by any means, but I think you're viewing things in a way that causes you more stress than anyone means to cause you.
If I believe that there is a relationship worth salvaging then I do make myself vulnerable and put myself out there. There have been times that I have asked a friend to be a better friend because I genuinely needed more. Sometimes it has worked out for the best and sometimes it didn't pan out. All I know is that I asked for what I needed. If someone hurt me I told them so. I am honest upfront and genuine. There's no reason to expect anyone to be your friend if you can't be honest, upfront and genuine imo. If someone can't be the friend that I need then I let them drift off. And my longterm friendships don't stay the same forever, they change and grow and sometimes grow apart and then grow together again. It's all part of a process. Try to value people for who they were at the best time of your lives and then forgive them for drifting apart.
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Originally Posted by thirti4thirty
I don't think all these people have something wrong in common...I think I'm the one doing something the wrong way here, and I can't put my finger on it.
P.S: I fully intend to drive these people out of my life. For the most part, I'm going to lead them on and serve them the same dish they did me. By that, I mean that I'm going to ignore them when they call for my attention. Just for them to know I'm no more one to be taken for granted. I have moved on and I have changed, so I don't want to discuss their past attitude and how it made me feel. I feel that they don't even deserve me treating them decently and tell them something like: I'd like you to leave me alone now. When they're tired of solliciting me they'll get my game and take the door out.
I'll put my finger on it for you: You're passive aggressive. Stop it!
It sounds like you can't be pleased, friendship is not a game. If you have no intention of keeping these people in your life then why allow them in at all? It doesn't sound right to me, it just sounds mean and vindictive. What pleasure do you derive from leading them on in the first place? You won't "win" anything at all, you'll still be alone at the end of it with a few enemies in tow if you go about it that way.
Last edited by Palestrina; 03-04-2015 at 07:23 AM.
I don't know if there is something wrong with you, but this is my perspective.
I'm a simple friend. I support you and I am loyal to you, if we like each other. I do expect a certain level of support, but I don't expect you to be my ONLY support -- I have multiple friends and family that can come to the rescue when I need it. I don't expect you to drop everything for me -- but it would be nice if you did, if I really needed help (and chances are, I won't ask for it unless I need it).
In my old (!) age, I've learned that friends will drift away on their own -- because they got married, because they had children, because they moved away, because their job got intense or they went back to school... The question isn't about whether or not they stopped calling, but whether or not the friendship feels natural when you're in touch again.
For the friend that stayed with you or the one who is Skype calling you -- do/did you enjoy spending that time with them? Did you like catching up on their lives? Did they care about yours?
If you had fun and enjoyed talking to them again, forgive them for being out of touch. Life happens and even with the best intentions of staying in touch, you can easily fall into the pattern of not being able to connect.
And if you feel like you're being imposed upon -- like when your Skype friend only calls when she is free... Tell her you're busy if that time doesn't work for you. Or if you need to really talk to her, tell her -- "I really need to talk to you tonight, can you be online at 8 PM?" And if she comes back and says that she can't at 8 PM, but she can talk to you at 7 AM the next day, and you're free... then take the call. Forgive her for being busy, as she has a life too.
And you have to remember that you also have a life and no everyone can cater to your schedule or your expectations necessarily. You bend to theirs, and they will bend to yours.
If the friendship is toxic, then that's another story... and that does deserve cutting it off.
Thanks for replying, everyone. I enjoyed reading your responses. Apart from a few character attacks and strange generalizations on my personality
I think I didn't point out my issue in a clear manner, and most posters assume it to be that I'm mad at my friends because we grew apart. But really that isn't it. I drift away from friends too. My point here is ignoring ( for years) a close or best friend who needs you and then feeling free to get back with them when you're in trouble.
Also to those who feel that I wasn't given friendly support because I didn't ask for it, I'd say that there's no way you can get any support from anyone who makes themselves UNAVAILABLE to you BY CHOICE. The following might not have been clear from my OP: I gave up counting on these people only when several attempts to simply get in touch went UNANSWERED.
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For some reason I tend to attract people who are only interested in me when they need help or a shoulder to cry on. But when their life is normal and they're happy, they have other friends to hang out with. I'm glad they trust me enough to lean on me when they need help. I'm sad that that's the only place they apparently see me having a role in their life. But now when people drop out of my life, I just let them. If they try to pop back in, I'll consider it at the time. If I have the time, I'll make time. Otherwise, I don't feel an obligation to do so since they pretty much ignored me for months.
I think this is were I am wrong too. With the difference that I'm the type of friend who feels I HAVE TO make time for them no matter what their attitude has been towards me and I think that's why they keep coming back.
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You can't expect eternal support and loyalty from anyone. Period.
Sure, so I don't get why people who couldn't care less about me keep asking me for it after skipping to fulfill their side of the deal.
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I don't think you're causing people to ignore you by any means, but I think you're viewing things in a way that causes you more stress than anyone means to cause you.
Thanks for your analysis. But the point here is not people 'ignoring' me, but people 'ignoring me when I need their support, and then randomly popping back into my life to receive that support when THEY need it'. In your post it wasn't obvious if you were able to get that.
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Try to value people for who they were at the best time of your lives and then forgive them for drifting apart.
On point! We can drift apart and get drawn to each other again. What I can't understand is...why do we drift apart when I need them and get close again when THEY NEED ME? That's the point of my post.
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It sounds like you can't be pleased, friendship is not a game. If you have no intention of keeping these people in your life then why allow them in at all? It doesn't sound right to me, it just sounds mean and vindictive. What pleasure do you derive from leading them on in the first place? You won't "win" anything at all, you'll still be alone at the end of it with a few enemies in tow if you go about it that way.
I didn't become their 'ennemy' when they did the same thing to me on purpose... Why allow them in? Because words can't make them feel how their atittude has made me feel. Somethings can be learnt only by experience. I will win TO BE LEFT ALONE BY THESE PEOPLE which is g-reat! At least for me.
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do/did you enjoy spending that time with them? Did you like catching up on their lives? Did they care about yours?
If you had fun and enjoyed talking to them again, forgive them for being out of touch. Life happens and even with the best intentions of staying in touch, you can easily fall into the pattern of not being able to connect.
No I didn't...because I realized that she was only in search of a shoulder to cry on...after over a decade of ignoring me when I needed her!
I didn't become their 'ennemy' when they did the same thing to me on purpose... Why allow them in? Because words can't make them feel how their atittude has made me feel. Somethings can be learnt only by experience. I will win TO BE LEFT ALONE BY THESE PEOPLE which is g-reat! At least for me.
That's not what you said originally. You said that you fully intend to be friends with these people for a little while and then abandon them the way they did to you so that they can feel what you felt.
I had 3 close friends left in my life by 2007, calls on a regular basis (sometimes daily) and spent regular time together until Facebook took over. Two of them are now totally consumed in social media, and the one is in a newer relationship but when she was married and miserable she called all the time. Now she's "happy" and doesn't make time for me unless they get into a fight. I text her last night because I was very upset about something but I could tell she was busy with her BF and all I got was a "yeah, that sucks" 10 minutes later and that was it. I've spent hours with her on the phone when she was upset.
Hi Palestrina. I can't see the difference you're talking about. Maybe you should just point it out. Thanks for your input though.
Novangel, welcome to the club!
You're right, there is no difference. In my opinion it is vindictive behavior. If you don't want these people in your life just don't let them in. You don't have to pretend to be friends with them again so that you reciprocate their bad behavior back to them. It's really not your job to teach them a lesson.
Perhaps try being honest by saying something like "You know, it's tempting to be friends with you again and allow you into my life but last time you hurt me by vanishing when I needed a friend and I'd rather not go down that route with you again, sorry." At least this way they are made aware of how you feel without you having to stoop below their level.
Thanks but that's YOUR opinion and that's what YOU would do. Because you have YOUR life and YOUR realities.
As you can notice, the poll and asking for advice do not include this part of my post. In this part what I did was to share MY line of action and how I decide to solve the problem.
Which doesn't have anything to do with me trying to UNDERSTAND why this happens.
It happens because that's life. People come and go. Some people are kinder than others. Some are mean and selfish. What's important is how we treat people. Harboring resentment only damages you, nobody else.
It's just how it is.
How much do you choose to deal with?
Shcicerf, million dollar question there. I got the back of those who get mine too. That is one lesson that I think I learnt too late in life. Maybe it's because I had my eye opener episode only recently. I initially thought that if I wanted to be a 'good friend' I HAD to indefinitely deal with very much...
Palestrina, I would assume that someone with a good and wise mind such as yours would know better than giving uninvited advice even when told that their advice is uninvited, unwanted and un-needed. But that's just my assumption.
You can have the last word if that's JUST what you want. I'm not going to divert from the purpose and object of my post. All the best to you!
Have You Ever Had to Wrestle Your Share of Support in a Friendship?
