I am one of those chronically and excessively shy persons...
1. I cannot utter a word in public or whenever I am facing 10 other people, even strangers, in any situation.
2. I cannot even stand in front of an audience. This need not be strangers, even if it my own relatives (except my immediate family) such as aunts, cousins, in-laws, co-sisters, etc, I feel way too shy to 'just be there' or to take the stage in public where I simply have to stand.
I am devastated for long by my own inability. My #1 cause for jealousy is against those (especially in the movie industry) who can appear before a crowd applauding for them with all eyes fixed on them, who can 'act' anything in front of an audience, etc... How on earth are they doing that? I even feel jealous of anyone having the ability to take the mic and present anything in front of an audience.
I am not here to ask for ways to get rid of these qualities in me... I don't even think it is possible to do so in a 40+ as me! Just thought I will vent out and take solace in what others like me have to offer!
I think shyness is something one needs practice to overcome. It's ok to be shy, but it's not ok if it interferes with your life and your ability to succeed in your job or make friends and relationships.
As someone who is on stage a lot as part of my job I can tell you I'm as shy as they come. It has taken me years to be able to stand comfortably in front of an audience and present my music. It does not come naturally to me and what has helped me the most is positive self talk, visualization, breathing techniques, and building my confidence.
Positive self talk has to be ongoing. When you are gearing to go to a party or speak at a family event make sure you bathe yourself in positive self talk. I look forward to telling everyone how I feel. I have something important to say. People like me and want to hear what I say. Everybody is rooting for me!
Visualization is key - You have to picture yourself on stage or in front of people and visualize yourself like you've never seen yourself before. Confident, content, powerful, elegant, convincing, beautiful. I do this daily.
Breathing - before performances I have a ritual of eating a banana, stretching and breathing. I like to take the time to center myself by meditating and practicing chi gong. You may enjoy this interesting TED talk about the power of body language http://www.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_y...you_are#t-8247
And just spend a lot of time building your self confidence. Be kind to yourself and others will be kind to you.
I'm highly introverted which people often confuse with shyness. I avoid events that involve lots of social interaction because I don't like them. Being a social butterfly is overrated.
There are lots of strategies to deal with this and lots of different things to try. One thing I do is to disown things once I speak them. If I say an idea in public, once it leaves my mouth it is no longer mine but out there for other people. They can think what they want about it, but it is no longer mine.
There are also useful presentation techniques. Like if you have to make a speech, don't just read it aloud, but read a line in your head then say it. Then repeat. You think you are going slow, but the audience picks it up as natural. And you can be confident because you are just....reading.
So shyness is just a state of mind that can be overcome with technique.
At least the shyness you refer to. I am lost on raising conversation with a pretty stranger.
I am not here to ask for ways to get rid of these qualities in me... I don't even think it is possible to do so in a 40+ as me! Just thought I will vent out and take solace in what others like me have to offer!
Anyone here is chronically shy like me?
I think she just wants a little commiseration.
My aversion to social stuff isn't shyness per se, but I do feel some inadequacy over my unwillingness to change. Some aspects of my life might improve were I willing to work to make parties and such more enjoyable and less arduous. But the way I see it, that stuff is supposed to be fun. If you don't enjoy something most people do for enjoyment, why do it?
I'm quite shy too. I'm getting better at making presentations (essential to my job), but when I first started I was quite horrible at it. I also do dance competitions and performances, so I don't have problems performing in front of an audience. I always get very nervous before a performance, competition, or presentation though. In fact, my first dance of the competition is consistently my worst, but it's not as bad as it used to be!
I'm really shy in groups though, and one-on-one usually has to be initiated by the other person unless I know them well. My closest friends are people who forced themselves into my life, basically initiating conversation over and over again with me.
Unfortunately, this shyness comes across as me being b****y/snobby! I have severe resting b**** face so I always look mad or grumpy if I'm not actively trying to smile. But it's really just that I'm too shy to participate in whatever group conversation is going on, or even to say hi in the hall to someone I recognize!
Thank you all for well thought-out and inspiring answers! Sure, I can try some of the methods suggested by you such as speaking my lines mentally first and uttering them out loud when in front of an audience.
I noticed that my shyness, which was tolerable and ok to live with earlier when I was continually employed, has gotten much worser in the past 2 1/2 yrs I've been home simply as a homemaker. So maybe shyness would get better if you meet many different people each day to interact with!
Born in a family that had very limited (actually none) from outside circle to visit such as friends, cousins, uncles, aunts, etc, I am exposed to only my own immediate family and there too, the members were confined to much of their own problems and did not interact in any fun or socially stimulating ways! Been brought up in this atmosphere throughout my childhood and youth has contributed very negatively to my ability to handle social situations and has aggravated my inbuilt shyness!
It is comforting to know your stories! Each of you appear a hero in my eyes, for you seem to have come up with a means to handle with shyness in your own unique ways! Kudos to you all!
Hello! I am introverted and pretty shy, which as Violette pointed out, are not necessarily the same thing.
I think you are correct that staying home could have made you a little rusty in terms of interaction skills. The more you put off something you don't want to do, the harder it becomes to step back into that thing, right? But I also think it could be related to you settling into your personality. At least that's how I feel as I'm nearing 40. I'm accepting who I am and don't want to struggle anymore being very social because I simply do not enjoy it.
Do you have some kind of presentation coming up? Or are you just generally concerned about daily interactions? You could talk to a doctor if you have strong physical effects from social interactions. Mine gave me beta blockers to take before an interview once, which just calm down your nervous system so you don't have the fast-beating heart, sweaty palms, etc. which are signals from your body that just make you even more nervous.
Actually shyness is getting in the way of all my daily interactions. I feel so inhibited and bothered to reveal my true thoughts and feelings, it feels as if I am having a huge blockage and inability to express myself in any situation. Due to this, in many social situations, I feel dumb owing to my inability to utter anything.
When I was employed earlier, owing to the competitive nature of being in a job where you have to prove yourself from time to time, as well as out of necessity to having to speak and interact, I was 'speaking out' from time to time, which felt like I was socially active. You are very correct in saying these skills in me have gone rusty from being out of the job market for so long.
Lastly, thanks for giving me an interesting link! I will go through it.
I am a naturally shy person as well, but when I revealed this to the instructional aide I teach with every day, she was shocked. She could not believe that I am a socially anxious introvert. Weirdly, I've always been an accomplished public speaker and have always enjoyed participating in theatre. I do well speaking in front of a crowd, but I will seriously sprint across a store to a avoid some awkward chit chat. Meeting some one new? Holy crap, anxiety. Going to a get together where there will be a lot of people I don't know? I'll be anxious for days before hand. I think most people pick up that I might be a little quiet, but for the most part, I'm able to fool people into thinking I'm confident and gregarious. It's taken a lot of practice, and it's something I have to keep working on. Luckily, as a teacher of teenagers, that face of the witty, hard nosed and confident woman is one I practice donning every day. If they knew that I'm actually an awkward people pleaser with self esteem issues, I'd probably be had! Hahaha.
So my advice is to fake it until you make it, but that's only if you really want to change. There is nothing wrong with being quiet and shy, but unfortunately introversion and social anxiety can be a disadvantage in our culture. If you're missing out on important social relationships, maybe you should consider finding a club or taking a class in something you're interested in. It's a lot easier talking to like minded individuals when you have a topic at hand. Or maybe practice striking up a small conversation with s stranger. Nothing too intense, but a polite exchange. But well, where I live, talking to strangers is commonplace. Might make you seem a little weird in certain places.
Last edited by Song of Surly; 02-25-2015 at 12:31 PM.
If you would like to overcome it, check into Toastmasters or some other organization like that. Maybe start by getting a book on shyness out of the library.
I think it is a good attribute. Sometimes the ones that put themselves out there too much have a tendency to put their foot in their mouth or embarrass themselves. Now, having confidence in a group is a good thing. Like some people said, it is something that you have to work one especially if it's something that bothers you. It takes baby steps to gain that confidence. I am sure you would be more comfortable talking to a group of friends or family first, maybe practice in front of people you trust and confide in first.
All my life, I was very shy, but then I decided I wanted to be a teacher. Teaching is about presentation, really, and so I was forced to get in front of a public, and be watched constantly.
One of the best ways to eliminate shyness is to join groups centered around your favorite hobbies or other things you love. It is a safe environment in which you can demonstrate things, or show friends things. Even running as president or seceratary of those organizations is a great way to remove shyness.
I think that being "self awear" is a good thing. Shyness in itself is a protective set of behaviors, and I can respect that. Society often rewatds those who are extroverted and easily make friends and so on, when much of the true innovation is done by introverts. Being a mix of introvert and extrovert is ideal.
There's nothing wrong at all with being shy. Just like there's nothing wrong with being outgoing. In fact, some of my favorite people are shy.
However, if it hinders you from doing some things you like, there are ways to work with it (as others have pointed out). I'd start out slow and practice.
Violette_R: I am so on the same page as you (introverted, not shy). I'm an introvert and being around a lot of people (especially loud people I don't know or care about) tires me out and bores me to tears. I love when I try to explain that to an extrovert - they're so confused. I sometimes feel like I should be different (American culture encourages and rewards extroversion). But as I get older, I care less.
Bothersome shyness...
I also do dance competitions and performances, so I don't have problems performing in front of an audience. I always get very nervous before a performance, competition, or presentation though. In fact, my first dance of the competition is consistently my worst, but it's not as bad as it used to be!
