I love this part of the forum because people sometimes pour their hearts out, and others are so supportive (yet honest) and there are so many times I think to myself, "I thought I was the only one who did/thought/said that!" It really is helpful to me, and so in that spirit I am starting my own thread which is part cathartic for me, but also a plea to the rest of you, to see if I'm the only one who does this (I suspect not, but you never know).
Here goes: I tend to WAY overthink everything I do and say, everything from the small talk with the grocery-store cashier, to arguments with my kids, to conversations with other mothers at the park (in fact, I will be constantly overthinking the mere fact that I even started this thread; it will haunt me for days, no joke). I ALWAYS think of the things I should or shouldn't have said. I've gotten used to it, though it still happens and I don't like it.
So this week it happened again, only on such a grand scale that for the past week now, I've really been down. To the point where I didn't even want to eat much this week; I skipped several meals and was way under my calories every day. Yes, I lost 3 pounds but that's not the way I want to lose.
I have this celebrity crush, a musician whom I admire greatly and is (in my opinion) a bit of a looker, hence the "crush" part. Though mostly I just think he's a brilliant musician and songwriter. My husband agrees. He's not a huge name, but if I mentioned the band he's in you would probably know it (but I don't want to mention any names). So he's finally on tour in this country, a solo tour in very small clubs. We went to see him at his first show. Afterwards we stuck around and he actually came out to meet us.
Herein lies the problem. I totally froze! I had things I wanted to say, but all I could do was smile like an idiot, ask to get a picture with him (which I did) then say thanks and leave. I didn't even introduce myself!
We even drove 12 hours to see him again a few days later (my husband didn't mind, he really likes the guy too) and although I didn't say this to my husband, I really only did it to get a second chance to meet him. And of course, it didn't happen. For various reasons, he didn't want to do a meet-and-greet after that show. I managed to speak to his guitarist who said that they did, indeed, remember us from the first show. So that should be enough, shouldn't it?
On the one hand I think, how many people get the chance to get their picture taken with their music hero (and celebrity crush)? On the other hand I think, how many IDIOTS get that chance and then not even introduce themselves?!? See how I can skew things, and overthink everything? His show was amazing, that should have been enough for me. Actually getting to say hello and get my picture with him, that should have been the icing on the cake. But no, apparently that's not enough, because I've been down in the dumps ever since.
Maybe it's like when you are anticipating something for so long, then it happens, and there's a let-down afterwards. Maybe that's all it is?
Argh. This is the epitome of a first-world problem for sure, and I can't believe I'm even typing this. Gah, I am SO not a drama person, so what the **** is going on? Do any of you have such an uncannily debilitating way of second-guessing your life away like I do? What do you do to cope? It sucks that I can't even enjoy the memory, instead I have this feeling of having made some big blunder. And the saddest thing is, it will happen again. I just wish I knew a way to stop over-thinking everything I say and do around other people.
I know how you feel. Sometimes when you have high expectations it's bound to be a let down. Also, it seems to me like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself in social situations.
I don't always feel like that, but when I do I often feel odd, awkward and even a little ashamed. It doesn't follow me for days but it can definitely ruin my day.
When days like that happen, it's probably because my inner dialogue is negative and because my self-confidence isn't doing too good. I think it's perfectly normal to have those days once in a while but they should not consume you.
If you feel overwhelmed by anxiety and afterthoughts, maybe some kind of therapy could help you. In the meantime, I suggest reinforcing positive thoughts about yourself and situations. Something like "wow, I'm so lucky to have met my favourite musician!" and accepting thoughts like "I can't believe I didn't introduce myself" are natural for you and training yourself to let them go. It's a big deal to you right now because that's not how you wanted it to go and I'm pretty sure that's because you've put pressure on yourself. Be compassionate towards yourself and you'll be surprised how light and relieved you'll feel. Accept that some things are out of your control and that what's important are the positive things that come out of it
I also recommend reading self-help/improvement blogs. My all-time favourite one is Zen Habits.
Take care and remember to be compassionate! Be as nice to yourself as you would be towards someone else
I used to have that problem. I beat myself up for days if I thought I said something stupid, even though logically I knew it was a total stranger and they probably forgot about me by now! I've learned to not care that much anymore about what people think of me, but it took a long time for me to get to this point. I read a lot of self-help books about that kind of stuff, what with me trying to cure my depression and everything. The works of Eckhart Tolle are great, as well as Deepak Chopra's works (The Ultimate Happiness Prescription goes into self-esteem if you're interested). I know simply telling you "Don't worry about what others think" won't help much, but I can recommend working on that. Stop striving so hard for the approval of others. It'll save you a lot of energy and you'll be happier.
Thanks, to both of you. It has really helped to actually express how I was feeling and then have it be acknowledged (which I guess is exactly what I DIDN'T do last week, hence my anxiety).
It's not so much that I would have cared if I said something foolish; it's more that I had this golden opportunity to say something, anything, and I froze. But no matter, I feel a lot better this afternoon, and I was able to look back on it for a moment and actually think, "Yeah, that was pretty cool", which is all I wanted.
muguet, I will check out the blog you recommended. I agree, there is a big self-esteem issue going on. Not surprising, I suppose; I think for a lot of people, weight issues stem from self-esteem issues rather than the other way around (and I am on a dieting forum, after all). In fact, I have been a little weird about it lately; down to my lowest weight in years and I feel like I look old. Like really, really old and I'm only 45. But I've also dropped many things over the years, including make-up, doing nice things with my hair, wearing decent clothes, etc. I think I need to add some of that back in and I will feel better. In fact last week at the concert, it was an excuse to actually go shopping for clothes, and wear nail polish, etc. and I felt really good! It's amazing how much better you feel when you put a little effort into your appearance.
Thanks chmia, I will look at the books you recommend. I have read a lot of Eckhart Tolle snippets and some of it really speaks to me, so that is a start. Funny what you said about saying things to total strangers and then beating yourself up for days. I have done the same, but when it's a friend or family member, sometimes the days stretch into years. Things they probably never thought twice about or just forgot, and here I'm still carrying guilt. That's a little different than my situation last week (I really didn't care so much about what he thought of me, so much as I cared that I didn't have a more meaningful interaction), but the idea I guess is similar.
Thanks again. If anyone else wants to chime in, feel free. Maybe I'm not the only one who froze at the chance of a lifetime.
I feel like I do that a lot too. In fact, I will avoid having a conversation with someone I don't know well, just so I don't experience that. All in all, I don't "B** S*** that well, so then end up stumbling on my words. I do agree to give yourself a break, go with the flow and don't beat yourself up over it, life is hard enough.
Be well...
Over-thinking everything - is it just me?
